Hello Kitty Men Project

So, my worst nightmares are coming true in far too many ways (more on that in the coming days). The fact that the people at Sanrio have come to the conclusion it’s time to release a dedicated Hello Kitty brand for men certainly isn’t making these nightmares any less frightening. Apparently, they believe there’s a body of men who still don’t have a “preconceived idea” of the evil feline that associates it with little girls. They also think an image with a male model with a huge cartoon bow across his face to advertise the new brand is somehow going to appeal to someone with even a bit of sanity (granted, they are working with a customer base who will buy absolutely anything, so they really aren’t used to have to actually think about what they are creating…)

hello Kitty brand for men

I have no doubt they are simply trying to push all those poor souls who have managed to survive the hell of a friend or family member being a Hello Kitty fanatic over the edge when that fanatic decides the men in her life need to wear Hello Kitty with her. It’s a win-win for Sanrio. The fanatic buys more crap while those fighting the resistance are eliminated as they realize even the most horrific death is a lot less painful than having to wear a clothes line from the cat with no mouth.

The only good news here is that the actual new brand for men won’t be available until next year so we don’t have to immediately suffer the consequences. The bad news is that we now have confirmation things will continue to get worse…

Hello Kitty Eminem Rap God Cat God Video

How do you know that the world is about to end? When the cat-with-no-mouth suddenly finds that she has one upon deciding that it’s a good idea to take Eminem’s song Rap God and do her Cat God interpretation. No, I’m not making any of that up — and you would be wise to trust me on that and just walk away from your computer screen because if you choose to watch the video, it can never be unseen. There has never been any doubt that the evil feline she’s herself as a God (or Jesus), and this video only proves it.

If this is the way that 2013 is ending, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to survive what 2014 is sure to have in store for me…

Hello Kitty eminem cat god

The Hello Kitty McDonald’s McArch

Well, let’s certainly hope that this isn’t a trend that catches on and spreads to other countries. Apparently the evil feline decided to sleep with Ronald McDonald and the result was the ugliest thing you can imagine. Yes, it appears that their night of romance (apparently Kitty chan forgot to tell Ronald to use her branded condoms — or more likely, she did and they simply failed to work) produced the Hello Kitty McArch:

Hello Kitty McArch

McDonalds sign with Hello Kitty bow

I see that this as further proof that the end is near, and when it comes, it’s not going to be pretty…

Sent in by McD lover

Hello Kitty Butt Plugs Should Make You Cringe

When you live in the type of hell that I do, it’s a major risk opening up email each morning. While I never escape completely unscathed from the torment that the evil feline throws my way, there are definitely some days that are much worse than others. Today was one of those days. That’s because you absolutely know that things have gone terribly wrong in the world when you open up an email to see Hello Kitty butt plugs (clear and pink) staring back at you…

Hello Kitty anal plug

pink anal plug

Now, I think that we can all agree that there’s more than a bit of irony in the fact that the cat-with-no-mouth would feel it necessary to produce butt plugs. It also should be noted that while she doesn’t seem to have one of her own (although there are those that dispute that), shoved up someone’s ass is exactly where the vast majority of people in the world believe that she belongs. The fact that fanatics will gladly do this honor to themselves (while paying $80 to have the privilege) once again proves the people at Sanrio know exactly how to treat their customers…

Sent in by Hello Booty

Hello Kitty Sea Cruise

As if having airplanes covered with the cat-with-no-mouth wasn’t bad enough, the shipping industry feels that they should also get into the act of torturing most of society. A company called Star Cruises has launched a Hello Kitty themed cruise on two of its ships (the SuperStar Virgo and SuperStar Libra) that will run through December 29, 2013. The excruciating painful trip will include having to spend time on the ship with Dear Daniel, My Melody and Bad Batz Maru along with the evil feline, as well as a musical show, breakfast meetings, teatime parties and story telling time. No doubt people will be vomiting long before anyone gets sea sick, and probably before the ship even leaves port…

Hello Kitty cruise boat vacation

While it’s bad enough having to live with Kitty chan existing in this world, imagine the horrifying terror that would be experienced being stuck on a ship with her and her fanatic friends for an entire week? My guess is that there would be a lot of significant others jumping overboard knowing that being eaten alive by sharks would be far less painful than having to survive the entire cruise. One more thing to fear if you ever find yourself in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Car Engine

There are many ways to ruin a car. For fanatics of the one-with-no-mouth, this is an everyday occurrence that they seem able to accomplish without even giving it a second thought. For the true fanatic, however, simply ruining a car is far too mundane. They want to take it to a level that not only makes everyone ask “wtf? Why would anyone do that?” but also makes them cringe that something like it exists in the world.

If we are truly being honest with ourselves, I guess we should have seen this coming. With all the different cars sporting the evil feline’s face these days, and the fact that she also has her own line of engine oil, is it really a surprise that there now exists a Hello Kitty engine?

hello kitty car engine

We can only hope that this either blows up (as distinct possibility if they are putting the HK engine oil into it) or that someone takes pity on the world and places this vehicle into a car compactor. Until then, we have one more example of the Hello Kitty Hellish world we live in…

Sent in by Suzanne

Hello Kitty Breast Pump

One of the most disturbing aspects of the evil feline is her insistence of being a part of every bodily function a person has. She wants to be there when you defecate in the form of what you use, what you wipe yourself with (in a a variety of patterns including KISS) and where your waste eventually ends up. Then she insists on being around when it’s that time of the month and when things need to be refreshed down there (and that doesn’t even address those that feel it necessary to decorate –NSFW). Of course, she also wants to be around when any type of sexual activity is taking place (flavored versions as well if that’s what you’re into).

So I guess it really shouldn’t be a surprise that she wants to be there helping you pump your breast milk when that time arrives as well. Yes, that’s right. The people at Sanrio have decided that what the world really needs is both an electric breast pump and a hand breast pump featuring the cat-with-no-mouth.

Hello kityt electric and hand breast pump

As I say time and again, it can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Norma

Hello Kitty Caterpillar

One of the disturbing tendencies of fanatics of the evil feline is that they they go around trying to see her in other things. When Jesus was found on toast, the fanatical throngs immediately felt that the one-with-no-mouth deserved to be treated with just as much adoration. Sanrio, believing their own hype (plus seeing an opportunity to make a buck), decided the only way to rectify the situation was to make a toaster so that fanatics could create Hello Kitty toast on a daily basis.

Just like Jesus on toast, fanatics are now claiming that there is a caterpillar that has been created in the image of the most despised Sanrio character of all time, and they are now referring to it as the Hello Kitty caterpillar:

caterpillar looks like hello kitty

hello kitty caterpillar

Caterpillar with Hello Kitty face

I feel sorry for these caterpillars. If they thought that trying to survive in the wild from being ripped apart and swallowed alive to die in the stomach acid of such predators as birds was horrifying, they have no idea the pain they are likely to endure if they are ever captured by a fanatic. In fact, they will likely wish they had first been discovered by a bird once they find themselves in such a situation. Things will only get worse when the fanatics begin trying to staple bows on them in an attempt to make them look even more like the mouthless cat. It really is a cruel fate of nature when, just because some delusional fanatics think that you resemble a cartoon feline, you are thrust into the fiery pit of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Marth via The Featured Creature)

Hello Kitty Breaking Bad Cell Phone for Sale

You know that all is not right in the world when the evil feline shows up on the TV series Breaking Bad. Obviously the placement had something to do with her insecurity of anything being more popular that herself, and weaseling her way in to be a part of it. The people at Sanrio probably also felt that one of the few untapped markets that they have failed to exploit up to this point for their goods is among drug dealers and their lawyers. The result is the appearance of a Hello Kitty cell phone in the TV series:

Breaking Bad hello kitty cell phone

Even worse, the phone is now being auctioned off.

The Hello Kitty Breaking Bad cell phone

This is just one more sign that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Gravestone

One would hope that it would be possible to escape the evil feline upon death, but fanatics are doing everything within their power to guarantee that this is not the case. It’s a good bet that if you live with a fanatic, you’re going to end up in the ground in one of her coffins. It’s an even better bet that upon that coffin you will end up with an arrangement of horrifying flowers. And of course, how could a fanatic ever resist placing a Hello kitty gravestone on top of your grave?

Hello Kitty headstone cemetery

Hello Kitty grave

Hello Kitty graveyard

Just further proof that the one-with-no-mouth has the diabolical plan to not only torture you during this life, but for all of eternity…

Sent in by anonymous, Deanna and shiho

Hello Kitty Cleavage

I apologize in advance bringing a day of my life into your world. It’s never a fun process of opening my emails in the morning because I know that I will inevitably be terrified by some photo from a fanatic who somehow thinks it was a good idea to send it to me. Even worse, they can’t be unseen. It’s always been a bit beyond me why fanatics of the evil feline think that she’s sexy and will attract men when in all reality she’s an automatic repellent to anyone who has half a brain, but then we have already established that fanatics have little more than air floating around in their heads. Combine lack of brains with a twisted notion that she has sex appeal and ideas like Hello Kitty cleavage get dreamed up to terrify all of us with an ounce of common sense:

Hello Kitty cleavage

I guess there are a couple of legitimate reason that this would be beneficial. It would be a wonderful way to tackle world overpopulation since nobody in their right mind would ever want to reproduce with someone wearing this. It would also be a much more effective campaign than “abstinence only” and easily eliminate teen sex for generations. But in the end, it’s simply one more thing which adds to the horrifying depths of Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Airplane Coming to US

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse, EVA Air has announced a new jet route which will bring a newly designed Boeing 777-300ER Hello Kitty plane to the US by way of Los Angeles. the new route begins September 18, 2013. For those of you who thought that Europe has escaped this catastrophe, they may have done so only for a brief moment. The airline has expressed its desire to torture European countries with an evil feline plane in the future as well.

As if the plane itself isn’t bad enough, EVA air has announced that they will be inviting a group of fanatics to fly on this maiden flight who will be able to get on-board autographs from Yuko Yamaguchi, guaranteeing that the plane will be the absolute worst place that anyone could ever imagine being. In fact, if the government was smart, they would require that any known terrorists be placed on that flight because there seriously couldn’t be any worse torture dealt upon a human being (of course, this can’t be done because even terrorists have some human rights).

Hello Kitty US airplane Los Angeles

I guess all we can do now is hope the pilot takes pity on the rest of us and wanders into no-fly-zone airspace and gets the plane shot down, but that would indicate that there is actually hope in the world dominated by the cat-with-no-mouth. Everyone, take out the barf bags because you’re going to need them.

Hello Kitty Terminator Cake

Well, we all instinctively know that there is nothing close to being soft, sweet or lovable under the skin of the evil feline. So what are you to do if you are given the unfortunate task of making a cake that shows what you’ll find under her matted fur? You make exactly what you imagined you’d find, and that would result in something along the lines of a Hello Kitty Terminator cake:

Hello Kitty as terminator cake

Cute terminator cake

Hello Kitty x Terminator specialty cake

Of course, the scary part is that we know exactly that her goal is exactly the same as the Terminator’s goal of world domination, although the mouthless wonder goes about it in a much more cruel and devastating way by inflicting far more pain and cruelty than any Terminator could ever inflict. And the worst part is that this knowledge simply confirms the horror of another average day when it comes to living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Julie (via Between The Pages)

Hello Kitty Fireworks

One would assume that going to a fireworks display would be one of the few places that one would be safe from the claws of the evil feline. Of course, the assumption would be terribly and painfully incorrect. Somewhere, someone decided that creating a Hello Kitty firework would be a good idea (My personal guess is that the person thinking it was a good idea was a Sanrio employee with a one of the many guns in her arsenal pointed at the temple of some poor soul who had to decide between his life and the sanity of the world — and he chose wrong)

Hello Kitty sky 4th of July

Yes, that still shot is a pretty demoralizing statement of where the world has come, but it’s nothing compared to the terror you are going to feel upon seeing these in video:

While an explosion of hot gas that terrifies all those around does do a good job in describing the feelings the cat-with-no-mouth elicits from the vast majority of the human race, seeing it in reality is further proof that there is no escaping her no matter what the event…

Airline Boarding Pass Machines

It seems that the TSA has figured out a less expensive and 100% effective way to make the skies safe. Instead of spending hundreds of millions of dollars to screen each individual before going into the boarding area, they have figured out how to get those without any common sense to reveal themselves (probably without them even realizing it). There would really be no other logical reason for the Hello Kitty boarding pass machines (unless there is a secret campaign taking place by other forms of transportation to get people not to fly, because anyone who stumbled across these probably would feel so nauseated that they would be unable to board a plane).

hello kitty airline ticket machines

It’s pretty simple and ingenious if you think about it. Anyone who would willingly go up and get a boarding pass out of one of these machines would have to be insane. Even better, all these people could quickly be loaded onto an appropriate plane where if it does get blown up in the sky, nobody would really care all that much. And if you think about it, anyone that had to go to these machines to get their boarding passes probably is looking for some type of quick death because it surely would be a lot less painful than having to deal with a fanatic that thought getting these tickets would be a good idea…

Sent in by Cass

Comic Con

If you were planning to attend Comic Con is San Diego later this month, you might want to serious reconsider. Apparently, the evil feline will be there in full force with her (and I’m not making this up — this is a quote from their press release) “band of Lolitas, who personify anime, cosplay and the colorful style of Japanese pop culture, will host fans at the experience” to make sure that everyone wishes that they never attended. Let’s just pray that fanatics don’t dress up like they did at Dragoncon (NSFW or your life)

Hello Kitty comic convention 2013

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Wedding Shoes

It seems that fanatics, for some unfathomable reason, have a desperate need to completely ruin their weddings. Of course, one should realize that the entire affair is going to look like a train wreck when there is a Hello Kitty engagement ring and wedding ring involved. So, when cakes, dresses, and even tuxedos are all likely to be adorned with the evil feline, you know that someone is going to think it’s a good idea to have the wedding shoes plastered with the cat-with-no-mouth on them as well:

Hello Kitty bride shoes

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