Hello Kitty Hell

Proof positive that a meme has gone way to far is when the evil feline thinks it’s a good idea to be part of it:

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Now even full size pools aren’t safe from the evil feline:

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There really isn’t any doubt that the evil feline loves her sex. She can pretend all she wants that it is a shoulder massager, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that two kitties are much more likely to meet. Simply knowing that Hello Kitty latex beds, Hello Kitty S&M floggers, Hello Kitty pasties, Hello Kitty handcuff nightmares and the Hello Kitty love hotel all exist, it shouldn’t be a shock that a Hello Kitty bandage sofa exists:

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This came in my email today:

Hi

My fiance is obsessed with hello kitty and subsequently I’ve been reading your site for a while. First it started as some hello kitty pocky, then cuddly toys and has progressed to so called “designer” clothing and jewelry. But now it has reach an all new level of depravity, as I have mentioned she is my fiance and i love her dearly however when planning the wedding she has let slip that she plans to have hello kitty centerpieces and cake, as well as telling me that once the wedding has been paid for she will be buying some of the “super cute” home appliance’s and furniture.

I understand that there is no hope for you but perhaps you can save the rest of us from your fate! Is there a way to stop the spiral in to hello kitty hell?

All the best
Tom

Included with the email were the following photos of his fiance’s wedding folder:

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One would assume that having the evil feline cut out fruit in the shape of her face and marketing fruit under her own brand (and we aren’t going to even touch the Hello Kitty banana cover) would be enough to satisfy her fruitful dominance cravings, but that, of course, would be highly underestimating what Hello Kitty has in store. She actually wants her face branded into all fruits (hey, if it is good enough for people…) with the Hello Kitty melon as the launching off point:

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I have an aversion to any Hello Kitty and pancakes combination since it was the Hello Kitty pancake maker that made me realise that I had entered into Hello Kitty Hell. I can tell you from experience that there is not a better way to completely ruin someone’s day than to serve them up a Hello Kitty pancake:

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It is already well established that Hello Kitty fanatics love their claws. One would assume seeing that sampling of what Hello Kitty fanatics are willing to do to their nails pretty much sums up the worst of the worst, but that would be highly underestimating Hello Kitty fanatics. Case in point: the Hello Kitty pedicure:

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Further proof that the evil feline can be found on absolutely anything that is being sold: Hello Kitty motor oil:

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While one would assume that Hello Kitty had enough weaponry in her current collection, she feels the need to continue to add to it (further proof that she plans to start her own army) every chance she gets. The latest weapon to be added to her cache is the Hello Kitty Keltec plr-16 pistol:

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You know that Hello Kitty Hell has gone way beyond reasonable when I keep getting press releases from manufacturers about their new Hello Kitty products. I was never sure exactly what they wanted me to do with them since it was obvious that a site not fond of the evil feline really wouldn’t want to print the false drivel that comes in these press releases.

Then it dawned on me. They must be sending me these press releases so that I can rewrite them to accurately reflect the truth of the situation. Now that is something that I can do:

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There is not much in life that I can be thankful to the evil feline for, but one thing is that I will never get sick again. I already made this decision when I ran into the Hello Kitty scrubs (or if I do, I will just let myself die instead of letting myself suffer through what I will likely find at the hospital which will undoubtedly will be far more painful). The latest device one has to fear if they should happen to hurt themselves is the Hello Kitty wheelchair (with interchangeable Hello Kitty wheelchair spoke guards so that you can suffer — and makes all those around you do so as well — in multi colors)

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It is when I get emails like this that I fear for the future generations of the human race. There really should be a rule at every college that if you feel that Hello Kitty should be on your graduation cap when you are about to graduate, you forfeit your degree and have to begin your education from kindergarten again:

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Living in Hello Kitty Hell ensures that there are plenty of mentally traumatic experiences that have to be survived on a regular basis. That being said, some of these are much more traumatic than others. The existence of Hello Kitty low rise underwear for men was one such instance and became even more traumatic when a variety of themed Hello Kitty underwear showed up at our door.

Now most people would see the above as proof that the evil feline had finally reached her limits. Of course, they would be wrong. Hello Kitty is always able to make something that one would assume could never get worse, oh so much more so. The Hello Kitty men’s skimpy briefs are further proof of this:

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There was one point that the only thing I hadn’t seen was Hello Kitty pizza and Hello Kitty beer (which, of course, I have since seen). One would assume that this would pretty much indicate that the world was coming to an end and there would be no need to go any further, but that would be greatly underestimating the evil feline and her desire to not only co-opt everything possible, but also every variation of everything. Thus someone inexplicably thought it would be a good idea to create Hello Kitty mini pizzas:

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Of all living things on earth that may have a comparable Hello Kitty Hell to my own, the closest may be the dogs of Hello Kitty owners. When your owner thinks it’s a good idea to give you a Hello Kitty ID tattoo or simply dress you up like this (or this or this or this — it is quite sad that I could keep going on and on), being a dog owned by a Hello Kitty fanatic can’t be an easy life.

Knowing this, it becomes plainly obvious when a creature did something beyond evil in their past life, and now the karma has come back to haunt them in their new form. There is no other explanation when you see a photo like this:

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In her never ending attempt to place the Hello Kitty label on anything and everything possible, the evil feline now wants to ruin cookies and milk for the entire world. There is no other explanation for someone wanting to create a Hello Kitty Oreo:

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I ended up in the hospital emergency room last week (luckily I didn’t end up in a Hello Kitty hospital or a Hello Kitty examination room). Now, most people would view a trip to the emergency room as a negative experience, but when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, things tend to get a bit warped. All of a sudden I found myself someplace that was (seemingly) void of the Hello Kitty, so as I sat in the emergency waiting room, I was actually beginning to think that regular visits to the emergency room might not be such a bad idea.

The delusion that I would not meet the evil feline even in the emergency room was soon shattered. While I managed to avoid the Hello Kitty blood pressure gauge, I wasn’t so lucky when it came to what the nurse that did the initial screening wore when checking me into the emergency room – Hello Kitty scrubs:

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Hello Kitty on anything is a disaster in itself. Give that Hello Kitty item to a celebrity and that disaster only amplifies untold times. Kelly Clarkson x Hello Kitty is a perfect example. I’m not sure what I find more disturbing — the fact that a Hello Kitty garter belt exists or that Kelly Clarkson thinks that a Hello Kitty garter belt should be worn on her head:

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I’m beginning to think that creative editing (much along the lines of Hello Kitty coloring pages) might be the way to help lessen the agony of living in Hello Kitty Hell. If a Hello Kitty fanatic decides to gift you a Hello Kitty growth chart, what is the best way to proceed after the stomach churning realization that you may have to stare at the nauseating image for the foreseeable future? How about turning it into a Hello Kitty skeleton growth chart?

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