Hello Kitty Hell

Although I have come to the inevitable (although still excruciatingly painful) realization that I’m going to eventually see everything succumb to the branding of the evil feline at some point, there are still things that end up in my email that I hope for the sanity of the human race never become trends. The Hello Kitty vajazzle is most definitely one of those things:

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There is a never ending conflict that the evil feline must address on what is more important to her — living up to the expectation that she has as a role model of love and friendship for the young, or making money. Obviously the “love and friendship” side won out with the Hello Kitty flask, because we all know how important it is to impress upon children the need to consume vast amounts of alcohol:

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Once again, there is no doubt that the evil feline knows her market. She goes out and produces mass amounts of junk, but somehow convinces the fanatics that the junk is actually valuable. And what are these fanatics to do when they have all this junk that they have been brainwashed into thinking is something that other people will covet? Sell them even more junk in the form of a Hello Kitty safe:

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If there was ever any doubt that the people at Sanrio aren’t even trying anymore (and there really is no doubt at all), the latest Hello Kitty creation should even convince the most skeptical. It has become readily apparent that they know that no matter what they make, fanatics of the evil feline will buy it. Case in point, the Hello Kitty chicken reversible plush:

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With her never-ending fascination with all things oral (even though she doesn’t have a mouth), it really shouldn’t be much of a surprise that fanatics would think that drawing the evil feline on their lips would be a good idea. Of course, that means the rest of us who possess even a tiny bit of sanity end up having to try to erase from our minds the image of Hello kitty lips:

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There is no doubt that Hello Kitty likes her rings. She expects her loyal fans to wear them at every stage of their lives, including when they get engaged and even when they get married. But what is a fanatic to do when someone with common sense points out how hideous that ring actually is? Have no fear — that is exactly the situation where the Hello Kitty brass knuckle ring comes into play:

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It’s not often that I sigh in relief when I’m sent some evil feline monstrosity, but today was one of those days. I was sent the following photo labeled as Hello Kitty breast implants, but it appears that in reality they are nothing more than soap bars. That sigh of relief, however, does come with a very dark and disturbing side. The relief I felt only could manifest because I knew in my heart that Hello Kitty breast implants were not out of the scope of possibility (and when you think about that, the horrifying reality I live in on a daily basis becomes all too clear).

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I’m not sure what it is with the evil feline and hair. Fanatics, in their delusional exuberance, feel that shaving the cat with no mouth into their hair is a good idea. Or turning their hair into a bow. Or going out and buying a Hello Kitty wig. And let’s not forget that there’s actually a Kitty hair salon. One would think that these people would have embarrassed themselves enough with all of this, but apparently not (which really shouldn’t be a surprise since it seems that this is the goal of their lives). Now we can add the Hello Kitty braid to the mix:

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One of the first things that you learn when you have a Hello Kitty fanatic in your midst is that they believe everything should be fashioned into the evil feline whether it makes sense or not. This is readily apparent with food which for some unfathomable reason, must bear the face of the cat with no mouth no matter what it happens to be. In what now appears to be a quest to ruin all fruits that are out there, she has decided to add another kittified fruit to the horrifying list of melons, watermelons and fruit displays by creating a Hello Kitty strawberry:

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There are far too many fanatics out there who dream about wearing a wedding dress covered in faces of the evil feline. Even worse, they believe this would actually be a great way to celebrate a day that would undoubtedly be a preview to the unrelenting torture they plan to inflict on their partner for the rest of his life (we won’t even go into the engagement ring, the wedding rings, the wedding tiara, the wedding cake and all the other assorted excruciating painful crap that will have to be endured). What these fanatics fail to realize is that on that special day, this is what they are going to end up looking like:

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When it comes to the evil feline, there are few things worse than having to confront her in the early morning before you are fully awake. With the last remnants of sleep still keeping your mind somewhat foggy, there’s absolutely no way to believe anything other than you’re suspended in some intensely bad dream when confronted with Miss Kitty and all her horrors. Knowing this, the Hello Kitty shower head is one of the most evil and sheer terror producing items that she has decided to brand.

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When you think about the evil feline, things don’t get much worse than the things that she brands for weddings. From engagement and wedding rings to wedding dresses (with almost every type of accessory in between), you knew that there was no way that she could resist making the bride the object of hideousness by providing the one wedding accessory that would make her look ridiculous. Since Miss Kitty knows that no true fan would dare walk down the aisle without wearing a $30,000 platinum Hello Kitty princess tiara on her head (and that they would also be willing to pay that much for it), she created one:

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It has become abundantly apparent that the evil feline (ironically, with no mouth) has quite the oral fixation. With that fact being confirmed time and again, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise (but it doesn’t keep us from cringing all the same) that someone else would think it was a good idea to get a Hello Kitty tooth placed in her mouth:

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In her never-ending quest to never leave even the things she does which are horribly wrong alone, the evil feline once again is taking her money-grubbing paws to a new level. While the world cringed with the launch of Hello Kitty x Kiss and assumed that this combination had reached its ultimate low with the Hello Kitty KISS toilet paper, we once again failed to realize that the depths of Hello Kitty Hell can always go deeper — much, much deeper. With this in mind, the masses can look forward to being tortured with KISS Hello Kitty the TV cartoon show (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up)

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We are already well aware that the cat with no mouth tends to go a bit overboard in her decorations. For those that have any doubt, just take a look at what she does to phones and nails. Only in the world of the evil feline does it somehow make sense that the way to block the sun while wearing glasses is to fill those glasses with so much bling that the sun can’t get through them. The obvious fact that it also means that you can’t see crap out of them yourself apparently doesn’t seem to be an issue of much concern which is perfectly illustrated with these Hello Kitty sunglasses:

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It’s bad enough that the evil feline feels it’s necessary to brand anything and everything that is new, but one of the more hideous habits she has is taking old school stuff and making it appear that someone vomited pink all over it. That is exactly what happens when someone decides to create a Hello Kitty typewriter:

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I guess it was only a matter of time before Hello Kitty shoes would find a way to look similar to Hello Kitty phones. I’m not exactly why anyone would want to walk around with these on their feet other than repel every other human being on the planet, so I guess that anyone delusional enough to wear these is actually doing all humans a service in warning them to stay as far away as possible. Could there really be any other reaction to these Hello Kitty high heels?

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There are bad ideas, and then there are ideas that have simply been created to infuse the vast majority of the human population with utter and total disgust. While most items branded by the evil feline fall somewhere in between these points, it seems that more and more are finding their way closer the “total disgust” side of the spectrum. Case in point — there really can be no other reason for the invention of the Hello Kitty stockings than to recreate those revolting dry heaves that you get in the morning after drinking far too much tequila the night before. Don’t believe me? Take a look and let the queasiness begin…

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The one thing that is always certain in Hello Kitty Hell is that no matter how bad things get, all you need to do is wait another day to realize it will inevitably get worse. One would assume that fanatics of the “one with no mouth” would have gotten their fill with the multi-colored HK vibrators (oh, sorry, those are technically shoulder massagers, aren’t they?) that Sanrio so conveniently decided to reintroduce when it was obvious that they could make a few bucks off of them. That assumption, alas, greatly underestimates the evil feline’s hoards who seem to have a strange fascination of placing her near their own kitty, and must always find some new way to expose the horrific underbelly of new technology.

Most people would think that the advancing technology of 3D printers is something that was pretty interesting, and they probably thought that a lot of great things could be done with them. Of course, the naively never anticipated that HK fans would step into the picture. When they did, the horrors immediately became apparent with the Hello Kitty 3D printer vibrator being developed:

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Anyone who lives with a Hello Kitty fanatic will know that there are many progressions which take you deep into the hellish nightmare that your life eventually encompasses. For many, the first sign that things aren’t right is when your morning toast inevitably shows up with the evil feline’s face on it. It’s simply one of those moments when it instantly dawns on you that things are much worse than you had ever imagined, and the uneasy feeling penetrates your entire body that it’s only going to get worse. Another one of those terrible realizations occurs when these first show up in one of your drinks:

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