Hello Kitty Tooth Cap

There have been a number of readers who have sent me photos of the Hello Kitty tooth cap, and while it certainly is strange, this is one of the few Hello Kitty items that really doesn’t put fear into my heart. The reason being that I would never have to see it. I mean, really, how many times do you look into the depths of someone’s mouth to check out their dental work? If my wife decides that she needs to have a Hello Kitty crown placed on one of her molars, I don’t think it would add to my Hello Kitty Hell.

Hello Kitty Tooth

That being said, I do have a great fear with Hello Kitty and teeth and I’m not sure that I should even mention it as it would likely give someone the idea (because there is undoubtedly some Hello Kitty fanatic that would do it) to actually do it and then inspire my wife. I’m just waiting for some rap star to sport a Hello Kitty grill. I can see someone with Hello Kitty in diamonds implanted into their front teeth and as soon as that happens, I know I will be in big trouble…

Thanks (I think) to rgpalacio, dtstan, hklove, Mackenzie and probably a few others I missed (apologies)

Hello Kitty Apple TV

Once you have been living in Hello Kitty Hell for an extended period of time, the “sick factor” comes into play. This is a simple rule that applies to all things Hello Kitty when one lives in a Hello Kitty Hell. The sick factor rule states that the more nauseating a Hello Kitty item is to you, the more the Hello Kitty fanatic will like it.

One of the few items that my wife does not currently have is a Hello Kitty TV and so it was with much fear that I opened up an email from ojuang that lead to a Hello Kitty TV set. It only took a quick peek to know that this was going to be on the high end of my sick factor scale which immediately meant my wife would love it.

Hello Kitty Apple TV set

Of course, the sick factor rule prevailed once again to hit my wife’s reaction with a bulls eye. Among all the fawning over the Apple TV, there was even the mention of “one in every room” which immediately stopped my heart. My hope is that locating one of these will be difficult and the damage will stop at one — yes, even with all the contradictory evidence piled upon me each day in Hello Kitty Hell, I do still hope for the impossible…

Thanks (I think) to ojuang via akihabaranews

Hello Kitty Steering Wheel Cover

It should go without saying at this point that Hello Kitty Hell produces dichotomy in my daily life. While the Hello Kitty food would lead one to believe I would gain a great amount of weight, the car that is getting the Hello Kitty make over produces the opposite effect and keeps my weight in check. How does a car keep my weight in check?

wife: “I want you to come to the home improvement store today to help me carry the things I need back.”

me: “OK. I’ll walk and meet you there” (secretly thinking: Am I going to have to ride in the Hello Kitty mobile?)

wife: “The home improvement shop is 7 miles away. That’s too far to walk”

me: “No problem, I’ll run…”

These are the types of conversations I have when the thought of getting into the ever increasingly Hello Kitty decked out car comes to mind. I find that to avoid getting into the car, I’m walking/running all over town (maybe there is a Hello Kitty Hell diet book somewhere in there…) The latest addition to the car came in the form of a steering wheel cover:

Hello Kitty steering wheel cover

Hello Kitty steering wheel cover pink

Now, you know that Hello Kitty Hell has set in when you actually are thankful that the Hello Kitty steering wheel cover is merely pink and not covered in feathers all around the the Hello Kitty computer. I actually almost heard myself saying, “oh, that’s not too bad” before I came to my senses and realised it was a freaking Hello Kitty steering wheel cover. I mean, who in their right mind would ever want to have a Hello Kitty steering wheel cover?

Update: ktdelight was nice enough to let me know I will likely endure more Hello Kitty steering wheel cover hell as there is also a silver version available:

Hello Kitty steering wheel cover silver

Hello Kitty USB Feet Warmer

Ever since my wife saw the pimped out Hello Kitty computer mod, she has decided that she needs to make her laptop more Hello Kitty like. Fortunately, she is too afraid to try and pimp out her computer in the same way as the one featured previously. While that is a small consolation prize in Hello Kitty Hell, it is mitigated by the fact that to compensate for not completely decking out the computer, she is purchasing every Hello Kitty add-on computer gadget that she can find. The latest of these being the Hello Kitty usb feet warmer.

Hello Kitty USB Feet Warmer

Now this would be bad enough if I had to look at them daily on her feet, but she also decided I needed my own Hello Kitty usb feet warmer and presented it in a way that I couldn’t really argue. Because our house doesn’t have central heating (which is common in Japan) and because energy prices are so high, getting a feet warmer would save a lot in energy costs as it is the feet that really get cold in winter.

So my choice this winter is to place my feet into those sickly, fuzzy pink foot warmers or let them slowly turn into blocks of ice. Since I still do value the use of my legs, the fuzzy, pink foot warmers usually win out. As I look at my Hello Kitty feet at this moment as I type (this epitomizes Hello Kitty Hell), I realise that there is something very wrong in making a man wear pink slippers of any kind. Isn’t there a law against this, or something? Maybe losing my feet to frostbite isn’t such a bad option after all…

Hello Kitty An Pan

While I’m sure that my wife appreciates the emails I receive with all the Hello Kitty stuff you think we should know about (believe me, it is only on rare occasion that something comes that we haven’t seen before), she really doesn’t need any more encouragement. This is especially true in areas where I’m trying to distract her from Hello Kitty.

I already realize that there is more than enough Hello Kitty food that exists that we could likely live on only Hello Kitty food. Just because something can be done doesn’t mean that it is a good thing to do. The goal here is to help relieve my Hello Kitty Hell, not watch it swirl deeper and deeper into an inescapable abyss. When readers like happykitty send me photos of Hello Kitty An Pan (“an” is a sickly sweet black bean paste often used in Japanese deserts, and while it seems apply appropriate as something that should fill the inside of a Hello Kitty item like bread (“pan”), it’s not something that any human should eat when wrapped around a Hello Kitty face) that my wife may really try to serve only Hello Kitty food.

Hello Kitty an pan

While I imagine that many of you enjoy my torture (hey, after reading this, could your life really be all that bad?), you must weigh that torture with the knowledge that if I die from sugar poisoning (the only outcome for anyone that lives on a Hello Kitty food diet) is that this blog will cease to be updated.

Why don’t they make Hello Kitty food that would actually be worthwhile eating and drinking like Hello Kitty pizza and Hello Kitty beer?

Hello Kitty Condom ???

Walking into the room after taking a short walk down to the grocery store, I went into my room to turn on the computer and saw a — “ummmm is that what I think it is?” — sitting right next to my computer. I stopped dead in my tracks at the door eyeing the small, square package from a distance. After my last post about babies and my ending comment about birth control, my immediate thought was that my wife had read the entry and had therefore left the little package next to my computer for me.

Now, of course, this brought about a huge mixture of feelings. First, it meant that I wouldn’t be sleeping on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight which is always a good thing. But the more I thought about it, could one really have a romantic night while knowing where Hello Kitty was the whole time? I mean, there is something just really, really wrong with that image…

I know that they have made Badtz Maru condoms in the past and I have heard rumors that there are Hello Kitty condoms although I had never seen any in person (I’ve seen photos on other websites, but they all look to be photoshopped to me). Was I really seeing what I thought I was seeing?

Hello Kitty condom ???

On closer inspection, however, it turned out to be something completely different. What it actually turned out to be is Hello Kitty cheese. Now why they place the Hello Kitty cheese in packages that makes it look like a condom is anyone’s guess, but as you probably already know, I stopped trying to figure out anything Hello Kitty long ago.

Hello Kitty cheese

What’s more worrying is that my wife decided to bring me Hello Kitty food which I assume means she still has the “all Hello Kitty food” idea in her head. That, my friends, can mean nothing other than pure Hello Kitty Hell down the road…

Hello Kitty Baby Car Seat

While I do complain a lot about being in Hello Kitty Hell, I know that it will become 1000 times worse if we ever have a baby girl. If we have a baby boy, I’m afraid that he will be scarred for life even before he knows how to talk. But even though we don’t have kids at the moment, that doesn’t stop my wife from showing me all the baby things she wants to have when we do.

When I look at some of the things that they make Hello Kitty style for babies, I think that it is probably a good thing that I spend half the time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag alone. I view each of these items with both a sense of relief (that we don’t have it) and dread (there is a good chance that one day we will have it).

Today’s email attachment was for this Hello Kitty baby car seat:

Hello Kitty baby car seat

You know you’re in Hello Kitty Hell when your only hope is if they come out with Hello Kitty birth control…

Hello Kitty Bathroom

Many of the readers have been questioning whether I am making all of this up and have asked to see photos of our house. I would, but wouldn’t want to give you a heart attack. Therefore I will give you a glimpse of the hello Kitty Hell I live in by showing you a few photos of our bathroom.

Keep in mind that we live in Japan and the toilet is the only thing in this small room. Usually the walls would be wallpapered and that is it – very basic. Instead, because all of the other rooms are overflowing, we had to make shelves along one side of the bathroom and in the back above the toilet. These are all filled with Hello Kitty:

Hello Kitty bathroom
behind and above the toilet

Hello Kitty bathroom
along the side wall

As you can see, there are multiples of everything and so many that many of them can’t even be displayed facing forward. This, my friends, is how all the rooms look if not piled with more Hello Kitty stuff.

I’m very tempted to just start taking pieces away one at a time, but if it is one thing I’ve learned about Hello Kitty fanatics, even if they have nine of an identical Hello Kitty items stored in a far corner of a room in a box on the bottom that hasn’t seen the light of day for 3 years, when they open it and see there are only 8 of the Hello Kitty, you receive the Hello Kitty Death Stare (which means a minimum of a week on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag).

I may show more as time progresses, but this should give you a start in imagining how bad things are and that I’m not exaggerating…

Hello Kitty Gun

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

To everyone that visits Hello Kitty Hell on a regular basis, it’s time to take a seat and sit firmly down. I don’t want you falling over in shock like I did. Hello Kitty Hell isn’t quite freezing over, but there is a definite chill in the air. Yes, believe it or not, there was a Hello Kitty item that my wife saw that she was only lukewarm about and even uttered the words – okay, time to hold on tight because the earth may crack open and swallow us all to our deaths – “I don’t think I need that (Hello Kitty item)” Yes, I have been pinching myself all day wondering if it was all a wonderful dream that couldn’t possible be true and have bruises all over my arms to prove it.

The Hello Kitty item in question is a Hello Kitty gun which sent to me by readers Mackenzie and Dolores. I am assuming that both are photo shopped and aren’t real, but since my wife isn’t interested in them, this is one Hello Kitty item I really wish they did make.

Hello Kitty gun

Hello Kitty gun

wife: “Hello Kitty doesn’t kill things.”

me: “You could use it for target practice.”

wife: “What would I shoot for targets?”

me: (smile on my face) “hmmm, I don’t know. I’m sure we could find something around the house.”

wife: (no smile on face) “I hope you aren’t suggesting what I think you are.”

It was at this point that I was glad that she didn’t have the Hello Kitty gun as it would have probably been used on me…

But besides that little incident, there have been nothing but sunny skies in Hello Kitty Hell with the historic even of her not wanting something Hello Kitty. I will have to savor this as I predict it is a once in a lifetime event and tomorrow will return to the Hello Kitty Hell I have known for so long.

Hello Kitty Cereal (fruit flavored snacks)

What’s worse than my wife seeing Hello Kitty products that she decides she must have? When those products inspired her to think beyond the Hello Kitty product itself. This, my friends, is where the real Hello Kitty Hell begins.

Reader skyler decided to add to my Hello Kitty Hell by pointing out that in addition to Hello Kitty Pop Tarts, Kellogg’s also makes Hello Kitty Fruit Flavor Snacks (is this Hello Kitty cereal or just snack packages – not that it really matters as I’m sure it’s completely disgusting either way)

Hello Kitty fruit flavor snacks

While any additional type of food that may make it into our house is certainly Hello Kitty Hell noteworthy, Hello Kitty Hell took on a new dimension when my wife began to think about all Hello Kitty food combined together:

wife: “You know, I just had a good idea”

me: “really?” (secretly praying: “please don’t let this be Hello Kitty related”)

wife: “I bet that we could live on only Hello Kitty food!”

me: (eyes popping out of head in shear terror) “Um, you remember that screen on the balcony that you have been wanting me to fix for the last 6 months, I think I will do that right now” (it’s amazing how fast the brain can work when survival is at stake)

wife: Look of shock that something that she had be hounding on me for months to do would all of a sudden be offered to be done

me: out of the room as quickly as possible and working on fixing the screen

Of course, this doesn’t mean the end of it and it could end up being even worse. The hope is that she will forget the thought of living off of Hello Kitty food (I don’t often wish for much, but I am praying that this happens), but it’s bound to come up again in the future. then it is only a matter of time before she makes the connection that I will do virtually anything that needs to be done around the house to avoid eating Hello Kitty food on a regular basis. While I may have stalled the doom for the moment, it’s still lurking right around the corner…

Hello Kitty Snowman

Reader marls did the kindness of adding to my Hello Kitty Hell by sending me this photo of a Hello Kitty snowman:

Hello Kitty snowman

You know that things are going to get bad when my wife sees a photo like that and says, “We need to go out and make our own Hello Kitty snowman!” While I don’t mind playing in the snow, building a sculpture to the enemy in my life is not one of the more pleasing ways I consider to pass an afternoon. Unfortunately, there are more than a few who believe snow shrines to Hello Kitty are a good thing…

Businesses like Hello Kitty snowman because of all the Hello Kitty fanatics there are out there. I’m sure as soon as my wife sees this photo, she’ll insist we go to this hotel and spend a weekend.

Hello Kitty snowman

I have to make sure that if I do get forced into building a Hello Kitty snowman, it isn’t small like this. The temptation to punt it across the yard would be too great and I would end up on the couch for the rest of the winter…

Hello Kitty snowman

I certainly hope that the caption on this one meant Wednesday night and not wedding night..had we not been married in Hawaii, that is certainly something that my wife would have considered doing…

Hello Kitty snowman

Obviously Hello Kitty fanatics have way too much time on their hands to be building all these snowmen. It only seems fitting in Hello Kitty Hell that I’ll probably have to add to the list when the next snow falls out here…

Update: More reasons wintered should be feared:

hello kitty snowman

Hello Kitty Venus

Yikes! I unfortunately opened this photo sent from kittylv as my wife was looking over my shoulder.

Hello Kitty Venus statue

wife: “I want one of those!!!”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “Why the hell would you want one of those?!?)

wife: “Wouldn’t look just perfect in our entry way?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “It’s a trick question. Don’t say anything. She really doesn’t want to know.”)

wife: “See, Kitty can be both cute and beautiful, don’t your think?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “It’s another trick question. Don’t say anything. She really doesn’t want to know.”)

wife: “Why are you being so quiet all of a sudden?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “hey, this is working. Don’t say anything and don’t get into trouble!)

wife: “It’s because you don’t like it, right? Right?”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “uh oh, this is not turning out quite as well as I thought it would…”

wife: “You still don’t appreciate the love and beauty of Hello Kitty. You can’t see her heart, otherwise you would be as happy as I am. I’m going to bed.”

me: “….” (secretly thinking: “Damn, on the couch again with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag – remember next time that silence doesn’t work with Hello Kitty fanatics”)

UPDATE

Apparently, Sanrio actually had a Hello Kitty Venus de Milo statue commissioned for the 30th anniversary of Hello Kitty in 2004 (much like the Hello Kitty Crop Circle – I certainly hope I die before the 50th anniversary arrives) which they named “Hello de Milo” (makes me sick just saying it…)

Hello Kitty Venus statue

Luckily me wife wasn’t in the room when I found this or she would want both in our entry way…

Hello Kitty Extreme Computer Mod

When I get emailed things like this, it sends shivers down my spine. True, I should be thankful that my wife’s computer is not this bad at the moment, but that doesn’t mean it won’t eventually get there and surpass it. When I get photos like these, I see my future Hello Kitty Hell. That future is not pretty:

Hello Kitty extreme computer mod

Hello Kitty computer mod

While the person that posted the Hello Kitty laptop computer mod had the sense to label it as “hobbies gone wrong,” I doubt that any Hello Kitty fanatic would view it that way. My wife’s only reaction would be, “Where can I get one of those?!” It’s depressing enough looking at Hello Kitty Hell in the present, but knowing where it is likely going is down right gut wrenching…

Thanks (I think) to Mackenzie via Pink Hello Kitty Laptop

Hello Kitty Car Security System

While Hello Kitty Hell hasn’t reached the point where we have a Hello Kitty car (it’s not that my wife doesn’t want one, just that the Hello Kitty cars tend to be small…if they ever come out with a medium sized Hello Kitty car, I’m in real trouble), she has been slowly, but surely turning our regular car into a Hello Kitty car. She has been doing this by adding all kinds of Hello Kitty items to our car, the latest being the Hello Kitty car security system.

Hello Kitty car security system

While all Hello Kitty is a waste of money in my opinion, this has to be right up there near the top. I mean, come on, who in their right mind would steal a car decked out in Hello Kitty?!? Another Hello Kitty fanatic? Wouldn’t that be un Hello Kittyish (see, Hello Kitty Hell makes you come up with new Hello Kitty words). Anyone who would steal it would probably end up having to pay someone to take it off their hands…I don’t see there being a big black market for Hello Kitty themed cars, but then again, nothing about Hello Kitty would surprise me these days…

Hello Kitty Love Hotel Bondage

There is Hello Kitty Hell and then there is Hello Kitty HELL – I have nightmares about something like this. The Morning News ran an article about Japanese Love Hotels with photos including the following of a Hello Kitty S & M room:

Hello Kitty Love Hotel

Hello Kitty Love Hotel Bondage

I can think of nothing worse (although I’m sure my wife will think of something) than being chained down to a Hello Kitty covered bed with Hello Kitty all around. My wife, seeing these photos, has decided that we must go to this love hotel since it is located in Osaka which is fairly near to us – I am hoping (most likely futilely) that the hotel has gone out of business since the photos are dated 2004. I’m not sure even I would be able to recover from a Hello Kitty Hell experience like that…

Photo Source: The Morning News

Hello Kitty Bathroom Slippers

The problem with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that one is never enough. Hello Kitty items usually come in a variety of colors and that means my wife needs one of each color. We needed to get some bathroom slippers (in Japan, you switch slippers when going to the bathroom) and since our everyday slippers (having to wear Hello Kitty slippers all day is Hello Kitty Hell in itself) are Hello Kitty, the bathroom slippers also have to be Hello Kitty. Here is the problem – when we got to the store, they came in 4 different colors:

 

Hello Kitty slippers
 

Now most people would simply choose their favorite color and that would be it. Hello Kitty fanatics have lost this common sense reasoning and feel that they must have one of each color (at a minimum). While we have no need for four different colors, my wife rationalized it by saying a single color would be boring and she could switch the colors each week.

So you can add four pairs of Hello Kitty bathroom slippers to my Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Wine

When I wrote about Hello Kitty Rice Wine (sake) a bit ago, you knew that if they made rice wine, they must make regular Hello Kitty wine. We found it at a local store today and of course my wife needed to get a bottle to display with the sake:

Hello Kitty wine

I learned my lesson from the last experience and submitted to not being able to drink it (which actually is probably a good idea – I’m not sure that drinking Hello Kitty wine is something that anyone should do during their lifetime…even with its hefty $25 a bottle price tag, something tells me it will taste more like syrup than wine. Something like liquid Hello Kitty pop tarts.

It seems like a fitting purchase for Hello Kitty Hell. Something way overpriced that I will have no chance of ever drinking, but then again, probably thankful that I never had the chance to drink it. So I pay $25 for something that I am actually thankful that I can’t ever consume – that is pure Hello Kitty Hell logic.

Update: Apparently Hello Kitty wine has become popular enough to now come in different varieties – of course, I still can’t consume any of them…

Hello Kitty wine

And (unfortunately) the varieties keep coming:

hello kitty wines

Sent in by far too many readers via lv weekly

Stephen Colbert weighs in on Hello Kitty wine:


The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Tip/Wag – Hello Kitty Wine & Pig’s Blood Filters
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor Fox News

Hello Kitty – How Many Bows?

One of the worst aspects of Hello Kitty Hell is all the Hello Kitty games that my wife receives and then gives to me. I have to make some type of effort or I end up sleeping on the couch even though it’s torture to do so. Well, all you readers who actually like Hello Kitty are going to have to start earning your keep for my torture. Today my wife gave me this “How Many Bows Can You Find” and since looking at it makes the Hello Kitty pop tarts actually seem appealing, I’m enlisting you to give me the answer:

 

Hello Kitty - how many bows?
 

Hello Kitty Pop Tarts

Maybe there is an angel looking over me in Hello Kitty Hell (oh boy, is that wishful thinking…) – at least these Hello Kitty Pop Tarts weren’t ever spotted at our local grocery store while we were back in the US.

Hello Kitty Pop Tarts

If they had been, I probably would have had to eat pop tarts for three meals a day. Somehow, Hello Kitty and Pop Tarts seem to go together well – sickeningly sweet and not at all good for you.

Thinking about it a bit more, those may not have been all that bad compared to what may be in store for me…there are far more Hello Kitty foods in Japan that I will be tortured with now that we are back as you will see (probably to your amusement, but to my chagrin). Worse, the Hello Kitty Pop Tarts aren’t really out of reach of my wife – she’ll probably order some once she reads this since they are available online…

**Thanks (I think) to Amaranthim who left a link in the comments

Update: Not a pretty sight:

hello kitty poptart

Sent in by Julia