Hello Kitty Menstrual Pantie Liners

Just when you believe you’ve seen it all, Hello Kitty reminds you that there is no bottom in the pit of Hello Kitty Hell. This, my friends, is when you know you have a true Hello Kitty fanatic on your hands. 99.9% of the population would look at these and simply say “WTF?!?” but to a Hello Kitty fanatic, something like this makes perfect sense and you receive a reply like this one from my wife: “What a cute idea, I want those” (I know, I know, you’re asking yourself “HOW is that a cute idea?!?” but it is useless to try and understand). So I present to you the Hello Kitty menstrual pantie liners:

Hello Kitty Menstrual Pads

Hello Kitty Menstrual Pantie Liners

Courtesy (I think) of fork in the comments via ebay

They also come in holiday themes:

Hello Kitty Halloween pads

Sent in by Xenaspanky

Hello Kitty Thermometer

Now that my wife is toasty warm in her Hello Kitty heated lap blanket and Hello Kitty foot warmers, she decided that we needed to know how cold it was inside. I don’t need a Hello Kitty thermometer to tell me that I’m damn well cold (why else would I have on pink Hello Kitty foot warmers on my feet?!), but that holds little sway when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. So here is the thermometer she purchased:

Hello Kitty Thermometer

Actually, it is ironic in a Hello Kitty Hell kind of way that I need Hello Kitty items to keep me warm and tell me how cold it is while living in a place that should be burning up.

Hello Kitty Chair Massager

Again, an innocent comment has gotten me into Hello Kitty Hell trouble. Sitting in front of a computer all day isn’t the healthiest activity in the world and when I spend long hours typing away, my lower back sometimes gets sore. I mentioned the other day that my back was feeling the hours I had been putting in to my wife and walked into my computer room to see this attached to my chair: the Hello Kitty chair massager:

Hello Kitty Chair Massager

All I have to say is that there is something seriously wrong in the world when a grown man has Hello Kitty vibrating underneath him…

Hello Kitty USB Lap Warmer

My wife is continuing to add to her Hello Kitty computer accessories to the point that she is going to need to get a massive USB hub (I’m sure that they make a Hello Kitty one somewhere and if they don’t, it’s likely already in the works) for all the Hello Kitty gadgets. She has been in love with the Hello Kitty foot warmers ever since she got them (I just never look under my desk and try not to think about the fact that a grown man has his feet in warm, fuzzy pink slippers – can’t be much less manly than that), so when she came across the Hello Kitty USB lap warmer, she had to have it:

Hello Kitty USB Lap Warmer

My wife is deliriously happy that now not only are her toes toasty warm, both her lap and hands are also warm. She tried to get me to warm my hands, but I have resisted thus far. I’m afraid there may be hidden cameras that will catch the image of me in pink USB warmed slippers and a big, pink Hello Kitty face lap warmer on my knees which will eventually find their way onto some social network site where I will be humiliated to no end…I have no doubt that something like that is what Hello Kitty Hell has in store for me…

Hello Kitty Shower Radio

One of the worst things about Hello Kitty Hell is that there is no place to escape it. Not even the bath / shower area is Hello Kitty safe. A couple of weeks back my wife decided that we needed a Hello Kitty shower radio to place in the bath area. I can tell you that nothing quite sums up Hello Kitty Hell as having to listen to jpop music (I swear that half the singers sound as if they are friends with Hello Kitty) over a Hello Kitty radio while taking a shower.

Hello Kitty Shower Radio

Hello Kitty Martini

Hmmmm, it’s not often that I receive a Hello Kitty email that has me torn between this being a good thing or a bad thing (believe me, 99.9% of Hello Kitty photos sent to me are bad things). On the one hand, it is definitely not a good sign that they have started to name drinks after Hello Kitty. On the other hand, if you have to have something Hello Kitty in Hello Kitty Hell, having it come with strong alcohol included (to dull the inevitable pain) is certainly a plus. And unlike the Hello Kitty Sake and Hello Kitty Red Wine, this can’t really be saved for display. Thus I introduce to you the Hello Kitty Martini

Hello Kitty Martini

3 oz strawberry vodka
1/2 oz gin
1 1/2 oz peach schnapps

Add all the above ingredients into a martini glass pouring over crushed ice. Stir well then garnish the glass with a strawberry (Hello Kitty bow)

Maybe the house won’t look quite so bad if I have a handful of these each night 😉

Thanks (I think) to dlbuegirl

Hello Kitty Press On Nails

You know it’s going to be a bad day in Hello Kitty Hell when you hear the words, “Honey, do you want to see the new thing I got in the mail?” This is because you have already fallen into a trap from where there is no escape. Even though there is absolutely no intrigue in the question – I already know that it is going to be something Hello Kitty and it is going to be something bad – I have to act excited, but of course, not too excited. If I don’t act excited, then my lack of appreciation will get me in trouble, but if I act too excited, then she knows I’m faking enthusiasm and I will get into trouble. Ahhh, the thin line I have to tight rope along living in Hello Kitty Hell (which I must say, I have well perfected).

The problem with today was that it went on beyond the initial “look at this” and I was actually asked for my opinion. This part of Hello Kitty Hell I still haven’t perfected and almost always results with me taking out the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.

Hello Kitty Nails

Hello Kitty Press On Nails

Of course I didn’t get the answer right (note to self: “whichever you like best” won’t cut it in Hello Kitty Hell — when answering any question related to which Hello Kitty item I like best, remember the correct answer is “all of them” according to my wife) and paid the Hello Kitty Hell price…

Update: You actually thought that more of this hideousness wouldn’t be produced?

Hello Kitty press on nails that spell Hello Kitty

Sent in by Jen

It Ain’t Going To Happen

Don’t even bother asking, it isn’t going to happen. All your pleading, whining, and crying have absolutely no effect on me because basically, I don’t care. In fact, it rather brings a smile to my face seeing Hello Kitty fanatics whine and plead for something they can’t find (kind of like Hello Kitty Hell in reverse and it almost seems poetic in justice – my wife, the ultimate Hello Kitty fanatic, doesn’t only bring Hello Kitty Hell on me, but also onto other Hello Kitty fanatics because they can’t find what they want). Maybe there is a higher being after all…

I live in Hello Kitty Hell so there is absolutely no way I am going to spend any of my time searching, looking or even telling you where you can find any of the Hello Kitty stuff my wife locates (I view this as a good samaritan service to all human beings across the world on my part so they don’t have to look at even more Hello Kitty – and especially to any significant others you may have. I bet they would even pay me for this service.)

Or maybe I should just put it in words that any Hello Kitty fanatic should be able to understand: Hello Kitty Hell has no mouth – you’ll simply have to find the answer with your heart 😉

Hello Kitty Pasta

Yikes…the Hello Kitty Hell food issue is fast becoming a train with no brakes. It has progressed to the point where I’m not sure there is anything I can do to stop it as my wife finds more and more Hello Kitty food that is not pure sugar. Her latest purchase to prove to me that Hello Kitty can be healthy is a box of Hello Kitty macaroni pasta. Even worse, it comes in a decorative Hello Kitty jar so even after the pasta is gone, there will still be more Hello Kitty in the house:

Hello Kitty Pasta Macaroni

Sitting down to a meal with Hello Kitty food on a Hello Kitty plate pretty well sums up the Hello Kitty Hell I’m living in. Why don’t they invent a Hello Kitty garbage disposal…that might be something Hello Kitty I could get into…

Update: I thought that moving away from Japan would allow me to escape Hello Kitty Hell pasta nights — apparently the evil feline was having none of that making her way into foreign countries:

hello kitty pasta

Sent in by ralph (via sooperkuh)

hello kitty pasta

hello kitty pasta cooked

Sent in by sybill

And of course someone had to make homemade Hello Kitty pasta as well…

homemade hello Kitty pasta faces

Sent in by itgirl

And now there is Hello Kitty organic pasta:

hello kitty organic pasta

Sent in by asianbanker

Hello Kitty Exercise Ball

I should have learned to keep my mouth shut living in Hello Kitty Hell by now, but sometimes there just isn’t the connection on how bad things will turn out when you make an innocent suggestion. Take, for example, my suggestion to my wife that we both exercise a bit more. The intention was to get a membership at a local fitness center so that we weren’t both behind the computer 24 / 7. Of course, intention means little when you are living in Hello Kitty Hell…

And so, yesterday I walked into the house to see a big, pink Hello Kitty exercise ball:

Hello Kitty Exercise Ball

No doubt the exercise ball is hideous, but it is the least of my current worries. The minute I saw that I realized that exercise equipment is one of the few areas where my wife has not gone on a Hello Kitty rampage and so I’m dreading what else may show up in our house soon…

Hello Kitty Snowman (mail delivered)

I’m coming to the conclusion very quickly that Hello Kitty has an answer for everything in Hello Kitty Hell. Awhile back I wrote about Hello Kitty snowmen and how I would likely have to build one this winter with my wife. While you can’t say many things good about global warming, keeping temperatures in Japan warm enough this winter that we haven’t had any snow on the ground where I live (and thus no opportunity to build a Hello Kitty snowman) is one positive that everyone fails to mention in the discussions on the issue. In fact, I was giving myself better than average odds that I might escape 2007 Hello Kitty snowmanless…that was until…

Hello Kitty Snowman delivered by mail

What you are looking at above is a mail order Hello Kitty snowman…I kid you not, words fail me on this one. For a bit over $40 (4,800 yen) my wife has informed me that we can have a Hello Kitty snowman packed from snow in Hokkaido (Japan’s northern island) shipped to our front door via a refrigerated mail service truck (so it doesn’t melt along the way) and display it for all to see. The picture on the left is the actual Hello Kitty snowman once taken out of the Hello Kitty container ( shown on the right).

This, my friends, is Hello Kitty Hell at it’s finest. Not even global warming can stop her…

Hello Kitty Microwave

My wife has gotten it into her head that we need a new microwave oven. I think this is an extension of the “can we eat only Hello Kitty food” craze that has weaved itself into her head (I can tell that this is not going to end well in Hello Kitty Hell). Her only problem is that our current microwave works perfectly at the moment (she’s struggling to come up with an answer for this) — something she is determined to solve because she found something that she really wants – the Hello Kitty microwave oven.

Hello Kitty Microwave Oven

It’s gotten to the point in Hello Kitty Hell that I no longer like walking into the kitchen and if our current microwave decides to break, it will be all the worse…

Update: Of course, there are more. Now if we could only find a Hello Kitty microwave where we could place the evil feline inside:

Hello Kitty microwave oven pink face

Left by Becky on Facebook

Hello Kitty Yogurt Maker

The thing you learn in Hello Kitty Hell is that if you complain about one aspect of Hello Kitty, it will usually come back to haunt you because Hello Kitty has likely capitalized on both sides of the issue. my wife continues to hint about trying an all Hello Kitty diet (just thinking about that sends chills down my spine) and I finally blurted out, “it would be the most unhealthy diet in the world” (note to self: don’t blurt out things that will challenge my wife to prove me wrong). So I guess it really shouldn’t be a surprise that I found a new Hello Kitty Yogurt maker in our kitchen this morning.

Hello Kitty Yogurt Maker

Somehow I still don’t think that sugar and yogurt constitute a healthy diet, but I’m keeping my mouth shut to avoid more “healthy” Hello Kitty food gadgets ending up in our kitchen…

Hello Kitty TV #2

I mentioned earlier that one of the few things that my wife doesn’t have that is branded Hello Kitty is a TV and that my wife was interested in the Hello Kitty Apple TV. Well, this certainly wouldn’t be Hello Kitty Hell unless they made more than one Hello Kitty TV model which happens to be exactly what they do (imagine that?).

Hello Kitty TV

Hello Kitty TV - 1974 design

Now even a normal Hello Kitty fanatic would sit down and consider which of the two she really wanted, but in Hello Kitty Hell the decision is no which one, but whether only to get one or both. Scary, I know…and a typical day in Hello Kitty Hell.

Hello Kitty Toilet Paper

Only in Hello Kitty Hell can a man be sent to the couch for the night for using the wrong toilet paper. Now, if you are in the bathroom and you finish up only to find that there is no toilet paper on the toilet paper roll, what do you do? All normal people (ie not Hello Kitty fanatics) reach for a new roll of toilet paper and that is the end of the issue, but I knew that things weren’t going to be quite that easy as soon as I realized that the only toilet paper I could find was Hello Kitty toilet paper.

While the rest of the world views toilet paper as just that, Hello Kitty fanatics view toilet paper as a display item. So I sat on the toilet pondering my predicament. I had two choices: 1) I could open the bathroom door, hobble down the hallway with my pants at my ankles desperately trying to salvage any dignity I had by covering up the best I could until I got to the storage closet where I knew we had non Hello Kitty toilet paper. I would then grab a roll, hobble back with my pants still around my ankles until I reached the bathroom where I could finally wipe myself properly. 2) I could grab a roll of Hello Kitty toilet paper right next to me, use it without losing any dignity, but have to face the Hello Kitty Hell wrath for actually using a Hello Kitty product the way it was supposed to be used.

For any regular person, the obvious choice is quick and simple, but not so in Hello Kitty Hell. 5 minutes, 10 minutes, 15 minutes, 20 minutes passed with me still debating which was the lesser of two evils: humiliation & embarrassment or facing the wrath of a Hello Kitty fanatic. The tables were tipping in favor of the walk down the hall and I even opened the bathroom door, but realizing it was the dead of winter and there was no heating in the hallway, the tables quickly tipped back toward the Hello Kitty toilet paper. I must admit it took quite a bit of courage for me to finally decide that Hello Kitty toilet paper was going to be the choice (urged on by the fact that after 20 minutes of debating the issue, certain areas were beginning to crust…well, let’s just leave those gory details to your imagination…)

Now even the choice of Hello Kitty toilet paper didn’t free me to wipe away. I then had to choose which of the 4 patterns of Hello Kitty toilet paper we had I was going to use. Would it be the 1974 Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - 1974 design

The 1977 Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - 1977 design

The Berry / Flower Wreath Winking Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - berry flower wreath design

The Tropical Flower Hello Kitty Design:

Hello Kitty toilet paper - topical flower design

This was far from an easy decision due to the fact that all the patterns came in pairs and the use of one would certainly unbalance the display. It took another 10 minutes before I came up with my brilliant idea: I would carefully open the Hello Kitty toilet paper, use a few sheets and then re-wrap it. Nobody would ever know, I’d keep my dignity and wouldn’t freeze my butt off (literally) and there would be no Hello Kitty fanatic wrath to face. Perfect…except…

I put my plan into motion and it worked perfectly. I congratulated myself for insightful thinking in an extremely delicate Hello Kitty Hell situation. I was still self-congratulating myself when:

wife: “Honnnney…”

me: “…” (thinking that doesn’t sound like the good “honey” but like the “You did something terrible honey”)

wife: “Honnnney, can you come here a minute…”

me: “Yes dear.” (thinking uh-oh, this is not going to be good)

wife: (looking into the bathroom) “There is something not quite right here…”

me: “Everything looks fine to me.” (thinking “woohoo, she can’t figure it out”)

wife: “Why is the Hello Kitty toilet paper out of order?”

me: “…” (thinking WTF??? Hello Kitty toilet paper has an order???)

wife: “They should all be in the order of their release. Why is the 1977 style Hello Kitty toilet paper placed before the 1974 style Hello Kitty toilet paper?”

me: (quick thinking) “Oh. I’m sorry. I accidentally bumped the shelf and they fell down and I just placed them back up.” (thinking “order??? why does everything Hello Kitty have to have an order???)

wife: (sighs) “You need to be more careful. You know that Hello kitty is precious.” (shakes her head as if talking to a 6 year old)

Then it happened. The instant she touched the roll that I had used, she knew. I still don’t understand what power Hello Kitty fanatics have that can make them instantly know that 5 squares off a full roll of toilet paper are missing just by the feel of the roll, but they can…and that is when the “you’re on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” look came (I’d try to describe this look, but it would be useless. Think back to when you were a little kid and you did something that made your parents so mad that they couldn’t even speak. Multiply this by 1000 and you begin to see the tip of the iceberg on the “you’re on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” look).

I must admit that I did get a bit of satisfaction out of being sent to the couch which is a rarity in Hello Kitty Hell. While a brief and fleeting moment, Hello Kitty got to see what I live with 24 / 7 when I took those 5 sheets of toilet paper and used them as they should properly be used…I should have used more.

Update: It should come as no surprise that the evil feline continues to come out with toilet paper in her image:

Sent in by ratbite

Hello Kitty pink bulk toilet paper

Sent in by Nat

Hello Kitty toilet paper

Sent in by Ashlin

Hello Kitty Scooter Helmet

Old nightmares are coming back to haunt me now that we have returned to Japan. I mentioned awhile back that my wife was thinking about getting a Hello Kitty scooter for errands around the house, but that potentially disastrous Hello Kitty Hell situation was forgotten when we moved to the US. Now that we’re back in Japan, the Hello Kitty scooter nightmare is once again coming closer to reality. I didn’t realize how close, however, until a package arrived in the mail today,

Although we don’t have a scooter yet, we do have a brand new shiny Hello Kitty scooter helmet:

Hello Kitty scooter helmet

Hello Kitty scooter helmet front

Having lived in Hello Kitty Hell as long as I have, I expect things to be bad to some degree. The thought of riding a Hello Kitty scooter is just downright embarrassing, but to be wearing a Hello Kitty Helmet on top of that is a shame that pretty much ranks up there with the worst Hello Kitty Hell has had to offer thus far (although I never underestimate that there is something Hello Kitty out there that could make it worse). With the Helmet already purchased, it’s only a matter of time before that scooter ends up outside our place and Hello Kitty Hell will reach yet another whole new level…

Update: You thought there would just be one?

hello kitty helmet

Sent in by weistar

hello kitty pink helmet

Sent in by clara

Hello Kitty Binoculars

As I have mentioned previously, when living in Hello Kitty Hell, it’s extremely important to not make the assumption that something you ask the Hello Kitty fanatic to purchase won’t come in a Hello Kitty model. This can be difficult at times because any reasonable person would assume that certain products would just never come out in a Hello Kitty model, but as you can see, Hello Kitty fanatics are far from reasonable. That means that if a company makes it, there is probably a Hello Kitty model out there.

My wife and I are going to a concert in a fairly large arena this coming weekend and I mentioned that if she had the time, she should pick up a pair of binoculars so that we can see the performance better. Now who in their right mind would imagine that they would make Hello Kitty binoculars? Well, they do and we now have them:

Hello Kitty binoculars

I can already see the people around me staring and pointing as I look through these Hello Kitty binoculars to get a closer look at the concert — it isn’t going to be a pretty sight and it is never fun to bring Hello Kitty Hell into the public arena…

Hello Kitty Postage Stamps

The problem with living in Japan is that there is absolutely no place that Hello Kitty can’t be found. No matter how innocent the task, Hello Kitty will be there in some shape and form. Take, for instance, a letter I wrote recently. I had the entire letter written, addressed and ready to send when I asked my wife where our stamps were (I do almost all my corresponding over the Internet by email and it’s my wife that sends out a lot of packages and letters for her work). Now, one would assume that postage stamps would be postage stamps, but that is not the case in Hello Kitty Hell.

The Japanese post office actually has made Hello Kitty stamps.

Hello Kitty stamps

and apparently my wife purchased all of them (only slight exaggeration). I can safely say we have well over $500 worth of Hello Kitty stamps (and only Hello Kitty stamps) in our house which means my letter went out with Hello Kitty plastered on it. Believe me, there can’t be a much more pitiful sight than watching a grown man place Hello Kitty stamps on his letters and it pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Update: We don’t currently live in Japan and have no need for Japanese postal stamps, but my wife is getting all her friends back in Japan to buy these newly released Hello Kitty stamps for her. Typical Hello Kitty Hell…

hello kitty postal stamps

hello kitty stamps

Hello Kitty Night Light

I have an especially acrimonious relationship with the “classic” Hello Kitty in Hello Kitty Hell. I have mentioned this on several occasions before that while Hello Kitty is sucking her thumb in the classic pose, I have no doubt that she is actually flipping me off. So not only does she mock me by being everywhere in our house, she is also set in prime locations to show me the finger whenever I happen by, just to let me know who is in charge.

While there are a number of these classic style Hello Kittys that I see on a daily basis, it is the Hello Kitty night light that most disturbs me.

Hello Kitty night light

Yes, it is certainly Hello Kitty Hell when you have to wake up each day in a Hello Kitty futon, but that Hell is compounded when the first thing you see each morning upon waking up is Hello Kitty shining brightly as she flips you the bird. Maybe being sent out to sleep on the couch (even if it is in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag) every once in awhile isn’t such a bad thing after all…

Hello Kitty Toaster Oven

Part of the problem when living in Hello Kitty Hell is that it begins the moment that you get up in the morning. If it isn’t the Hello Kitty futon (or Hello Kitty sleeping bag on the couch depending how the previous day had gone), the first meal of the day also has Hello Kitty written all over it. It probably goes without saying that the vast majority of our plates and bowls have a Hello Kitty theme (we’ll get to photos of those at a later date), but also a lot of our cooking utensils including our Hello Kitty toaster oven:

Hello Kitty toaster oven

There’s just something that makes toast a lot less appetizing when it comes out of a Hello Kitty toaster. And yes, I am aware that there is a Hello Kitty toaster that toasts Hello Kitty onto the toast because my wife also has this, but the aim of breakfast is to get food into your stomach and not throw it up all over the table, which would happen if I had to look at Hello Kitty actually on my toast…