I was really beginning to regret leaving all these comments on Hello Kitty Hell, since I would then be forwarded the knuckle-dragging comments of subsequent visitors.

Now, the comparison of Hello Kitty to herpes has made that all worthwhile.

Before you marry, get your partner tested for Hello Kitty. People can be infected with Hello Kitty for years without ever showing any symptoms. To test, take a small Hello Kitty porcelain figure, and hand your parner a hammer. If she don’t hit that, you don’t hit that.

I mean really, its a freaking cat how horrible is that? I mean its not like cancer, or herpes, you can’t get rid of herpes. You can take a break from hello kitty, I understand the need to vent, but really? Your hatred of hello kitty is as bad as your wife’s supposed obsession, that well you created.

“But you can’t possibly really hate Kitty if you have a website devoted to her!!!”

Now let’s say, for example, I was dating someone obsessed with, say, severed shrunken heads. Everything in our house was severed-head themed. We ate off plates with pictures of shrunken faces, our toilet paper was printed with sewn-shut lips, I was awoken every morning by a grinning corpse. And worse still, everyone else regarded it as a harmless, slightly over-the-top but adorable hobby. In desperation, I start a blog with pictures of the latest bit of stomach-wrenching horror, so that the (apparently) five or six people in the world who share my loathing for this stuff can find me and commiserate. And then hordes of people descend, saying:

“But you can’t possibly hate shrunken heads if you write a blog about them!!!”

Actually, the more I think about it, the more I think shrunken heads would be a significantly better fate than Hello Kitty.

if you hate hello kitty there’s a store full of stuff that’s extremely anti hello kitty. A few examples are the Hello Kitty knife holders, which feature 6 different sized knives thrust through Hello Kitty’s head and covered in painted-on blood. They also feature an HK game that features 20 pins and a dead Hello Kitty. You get a pixel screen, and each time you poke Hello Kitty she inches closer to death. All you need to do is the outskirts on the west side of Iraq and then ask to be gunned down with a Hello Kitty machine gun before you go in. Simple as that!