Hello Kitty Religion

You probably assumed that Hello Kitty Hell could not get any worse, but as I have said time and again, Hello Kitty has a way of always topping herself. So it should come as no surprise that Hello Kitty Hell has gone into a completely new realm with the introduction of Hello Kitty religion. Christians, Muslims, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists – heck, even Scientologists have no reason to disagree with one another now that Hello Kitty has established her own religion.

Hello Kitty religion

Yes, Hello Kitty Hell has been bad, but having to look at Hello Kitty as the new deity certainly shows that it has been nothing up to this point (yep, hard for me even to believe those words came out). I wonder if this means I will have to go and pray weekly to a character that has no mouth (“because you can tell what Hello Kitty feels through your heart” – doesn’t that sound kind of cult religious creepy?)

Hello Kitty Mannequin

OK, it’s stuff like this that freaks me out in Hello Kitty Hell. Hello Kitty on every conceivable product I have come to accept. Turning something not Hello Kitty into Hello Kitty to sell other products? That is exactly what they have done with this Hello Kitty mannequin:

Hello Kitty mannequin

It seems like there are some that would like to see Hello Kitty turn into a real live being (my wife already insists that she is – another clue as to whether or not you have a Hello Kitty fanatic on your hands), but even coming from Hello Kitty Hell, this is simply downright creepy – something straight out of a Hello Kitty horror movie. Of course, my wife thinks this would be a perfect thing to have to display her Hello Kitty clothes when she is not wearing them which presents one of those Hello Kitty Hell dilemmas – would Hello Kitty clothes on a mannequin or on my wife be worse? I hope I never have the chance to find out…

Hello Kitty Surfboard

My wife’s latest Hello Kitty want is a Hello Kitty surfboard:

Hello Kitty surfboard

No, of course she doesn’t know how to surf.
No, of course she doesn’t want to learn to surf.
No, of course she doesn’t want to even consider taking it to the beach (“It might get scratched by the sand.”)

She has determined that it would make a cool wall hanging for a Hello Kitty summer theme room/house decorating. From the sound of her latest talking, it looks like I can expect seasonal themed Hello Kitty Hell to look forward to from now on…

Update: An alternative pattern to put more fear into your summer:

Sent in by Laura

Hello Kitty Banana Cover

The thing about Hello Kitty Hell is that it will never end. Any normal person would assume that Hello Kitty would eventually run out of new things to stamp her little face on, but that is not how Hello Kitty works. When it becomes difficult to find items that haven’t already been Hello Kittified, there is a simple answer: invent new ones.

Hello Kitty banana cover

WTF?!? A Hello Kitty banana cover? Don’t bananas already come with their own naturally produced covers? That is how any normal person should react upon seeing this Hello Kitty product. Not my wife. “That is soooooo cute. We need some,” was her reaction in typical Hello Kitty Hell fashion.

Having lived in Hello Kitty Hell for a number of years, I have seen my share of completely useless Hello Kitty products. I have to say the Hello Kitty banana cover has to rank not only near the top of totally useless Hello Kitty products invented, but of all products ever invented. That being said, I have no doubt that the Hello Kitty apple and orange covers are already in the works…

Update: You really thought the evil feline could stop at one Hello Kitty banana cover?

hello kitty banana case

Sent in by leslie

Hello Kitty Computer Keyboard

I knew this was bound to happen because it is, for lack of a better term, so Hello Kitty Hellish. My wife has been adding Hello Kitty computer accessories left and right: the USB powered Hello Kitty keyboard cleaner, the Hello Kitty USB foot warmers, and the Hello Kitty USB lap warmer — so what is the missing element? To start Hello Kittifying the computer itself. She took a big step in that direction when this arrived in the mail…the Hello Kitty keyboard.

Hello Kitty computer keyboard

Of course, there is no illusion that the Hello Kitty computer pimping is going to stop here. She is already on the lookout for “the perfect Hello Kitty computer” as well as exploring more Hello Kitty computer accessories to add. Which all points to Hello Kitty Hell moving beyond the current reality and becoming a virtual nightmare in the future…

Update: More Hello Kitty keyboards that would drive most people off the computer for life.

Hello Kitty keyboard

Hello Kitty computer keyboard

Hello Kitty pc keyboard

Sent in by stacyl (pink keyboard via number657).

hello kitty computer keyboard

Sent in by Vienne via Twitter

Hello Kitty Guitar Picks

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that if Hello Kitty guitars come in several models and 7 different designs, that there are also a variety of Hello Kitty guitar picks:

Hello Kitty guitar pick black

Hello Kitty guitar pick motion

Hello Kitty guitar pick pink

I could go on a rant on why my wife needs Hello Kitty guitar picks when she doesn’t play the guitar, but we’ve already been down that path. Suffice to say, it’s one of those Hello Kitty fanatic things that will never make sense to the 99% of us (and if it does make sense to you, this is not something that you should be proud of). The only consolation with this particular collection is that they are small and I don’t have to see them on a daily basis…it’s not a good Hello Kitty Hell sign when you switch from feeling pain with each and every Hello Kitty purchase to where the pain is so intense that you actually feel some relief when the Hello Kitty item purchased is small so you won’t have to see it daily…

These photos were sent in by a number of readers – all of whom should have to listened to my wife play her Hello Kitty guitar…

Hello Kitty Star Wars Tattoo

What’s worse than a Hello Kitty tattoo? How about a Hello Kitty Star Wars combination tattoo:

Hello Kitty Star Wars tattoo

Not many things leave me speechless in Hello Kitty Hell these days, but this is one that comes close…

Sent by starkitty (via idoru45 created from this painting) who should have to watch Star Wars and Hello Kitty in combination for the rest of her life…

Update: Let The Wookie Win, for some unfathomable reason, thought it would be a good idea to share her Hello Kitty Stormtrooper tattoo with me. The fact that one person has this tattoo is disturbing, but that fact that more than one does is downright scary…

Hello Kitty Stormtrooper Tattoo

Hello Kitty Tattoo

My wife’s friend came by and proudly displayed her new Hello Kitty tattoo. There is nothing worse to a Hello Kitty fanatic than having someone do something that would indicate in any way that they were more of Hello Kitty fan than the fanatic. My wife doesn’t often get jealous when it comes to Hello Kitty (how could she with all this crap she has?), but that wasn’t the case this time. So my wife is now insisting that she needs to get a Hello Kitty tattoo (or more) and is searching for the perfect one at the moment. Unfortunately, there seem to be plenty of Hello Kitty tattoos to choose from:

hello kitty belt line tattoo

Left by kaylamuldoon via twitter

hello kitty lion tattoo

Left by Jessica on Facebook

Hello Kitty tattoo

Hello Kitty tattoo blue

Hello Kitty waist tattoo

Left by Steffijo on Facebook

Hello Kitty tattoo bones

Hello Kitty tattoo flowers

Hello Kitty neck tattoo

Left by Rosemarie on Facebook

hello kitty dragon tattoo

Left by on Angelia Facebook

While the thought of anyone wanting to place Hello Kitty on their skin permanently is disturbing in its own right (wife: “It’s so cute and sexy and a tribute to Hello Kitty”), it also will add another aspect to Hello Kitty Hell. One of the only times that I don’t have to see Hello Kitty is when my wife doesn’t have any clothes on — a tattoo would make Hello Kitty Hell a 24 hour a day ordeal.

hello kitty shoulder tattoo

Sent in by Whitney

hello kitty accessory tattoo

Sent in by Domonique

Hello Kitty Barf Bag

It is an extremely rare occasion when I’m sent a Hello Kitty photo that actually is appropriate to my plight:

Man, I feel for your situation. I just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. While my girlfriend’s obsession isn’t on the same level as your wife’s, it’s enough to let me know the torture that Hello Kitty brings. So I thought you might like this.

Hello Kitty barf bag

Now if I have to have something with Hello Kitty on it, I can’t think of anything more appropriate to represent Hello Kitty Hell than a Hello Kitty barf bag. If my wife does decide to torture me with a consistent menu of Hello Kitty food in the future, when I get sick I can simply say I am filling up the bag with Hello Kitty and the thought of doing something like that brings a smile to my face…

Thanks to Brian who definitely deserves to never have to eat any Hello Kitty food from his girlfriend…

Hello Kitty Cosplay

Thus far I have been spared my wife dressing up in Hello Kitty costumes and, as you might well imagine, don’t have any urge to encourage such a hideous idea. It was therefore with extreme disgust I found this in my email this morning:

Hello Kitty cosplay
Alexandra Roberts [flickr]

Now I realize that you look at this photo and simply say “wtf????” because that is the reaction of any normal person. So when a Hello Kitty fanatic begins to tell you how cute the outfit is, basically nothing registers because, quite frankly, your mind can’t fathom that the words reaching your ears could ever be true. At this point you hope that what you are hearing is a dream rather than reality, but soon realize that in Hello Kitty Hell you don’t wake up from nightmares like this…

Since my wife has already expressed fondness for the Hello Kitty Darth Vader, Hello Kitty cosplay is a real danger. Hello Kitty bras, Hello Kitty shoes and Hello Kitty clothes in general are Hello Kitty Hell enough, but if Hello Kitty cosplay comes into being, Hello Kitty Hell is going to be worse than I ever imagined (and believe me, I’ve imagined some pretty horrendous things….)

From reader HKsweet who should have to put on a Hello Kitty cosplay outfit everyday from now on…

Update: More examples to put far more fear into your life than should be permissible:

Hello Kitty outfit

Sent in by Rebecca

Hello Kitty Electric Guitar Amplifier

Now that my wife is looking at adding Hello Kitty guitars to her collection, it inevitably leads to Hello Kitty guitar accessories. Since I’ve already mentioned that she doesn’t play, nor has any plans to learn to play, why in Hello Kitty Hell she needs a Hello Kitty guitar amplifier is beyond me (but then again, so are the guitars in the first place):

Hello Kitty electric guitar amplifier

Hello Kitty guitar amplifier

I guess it really could be worse (wow, I can’t believe those words actually came out of my mouth) – if my wife actually did learn how to play the guitar, I would not only have to listen to her rendition of Hello Kitty songs on them, but also to the hours and hours of her practicing them. It really is a sad day in Hello Kitty Hell when I actually feel myself lucky that it isn’t worse…

update: Because everything sounds worse through a Hello Kitty amplifier, multiple models to produce this awfulness were obviously necessary:

Hello Kitty guitar amplifier music

Hello Kitty Guitar – Fernandes & Fender

My wife has a Hello Kitty guitar:

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes

Now, any normal person would assume that if a person buys a guitar, they know how to play or have an interest in learning how to play the guitar. This logic, however, escapes the Hello Kitty fanatic. Not only does my wife not know how to play the guitar, she has absolutely no interest in learning how to play. Despite this, she has to have a Hello Kitty guitar because it is “sooooo cute” (I think these two words really should be banished from the English language).

Even worse? I’m not even allowed to play it. The other day, I thought It would be cool to learn to play a little and decided to get the guitar out to try. Now I know that a man playing a Hello Kitty guitar doesn’t do a whole hell of a lot toward creating a manly image, but I figured I was at home and nobody was ever going to see this indiscretion on my part. So I have it out and am about ready to play when all Hello Kitty Hell breaks loose

Now if there is anything worse than a Hello Kitty fanatic, it’s a Hello Kitty fanatic that is angry (note to all men who have the true misfortune to be involved with a Hello Kitty fanatic – don’t, under any circumstances, touch her Hello Kitty stuff without her permission).

wife: “Don’t you even think about playing that guitar. What if you accidentally scratch it?!?”

me: “What’s the use of having a guitar if you aren’t even going to play it?” (thinking: oops, should have stopped that before it came out)

wife: “You don’t understand anything. You don’t have to play to hear the music that Hello Kitty brings to everyone. All you have to do is look at it and you can hear the music.”

me: “…” (thinking: ?????????)

Which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell – lots of Hello Kitty goods that have a use, but can’t be used for their intended purpose because Hello Kitty is on them (don’t worry, if none of that made sense, it just means you’re not a Hello Kitty fanatic which is a good thing)

Of course, now there are other Hello Kitty Guitars that have been made and my wife is considering which (or all if she can find the money) to add to her collection:

Hello Kitty Fernandes Collectors’ Edition

Hello Kitty guitar - Fernandes Collectors Edition

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster Limited Edition

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender Limited Edition

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster (pink)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender

Hello Kitty Fender Stratocaster (black)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender black

Hello Kitty Fender Mini (pink)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender mini pink

Hello Kitty Fender Mini (black)

Hello Kitty guitar - Fender mini black

Too many readers to list sent me photos of these guitars – may you all have to listen to Hello Kitty theme songs played on the guitar each day for the rest of your lives…

Hello Kitty Strawberry

It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty comes in all its man-made shapes and forms, but Hello Kitty Hell gets even worse when Hello Kitty appears naturally. Hello Kitty fans believe this is some divine intervention showing that Hello Kitty is loved by all rather than the obvious truth that it was simply a grotesque mutation that should have never appeared on earth. That is the case with this latest photo that was sent to me:

Hello Kitty strawberry

Wife: “That is the cutest thing that I have ever seen. Scientists should really sit down and think of away to genetically make strawberries to look like Hello Kitty. If they did that, everyone would want to buy strawberries.”

There is probably a scientist at Sanrio right now working on a way to make this possible because that is exactly how Hello Kitty Hell works…

Reader hksweet (what the hell is with all these “hk” usernames visiting this blog?) deserves to taste only strawberry for the rest of her life for sending this photo to me (and even more punishment if it ever becomes a cash crop).

Hello Kitty Scarecrow

Part of Hello Kitty Hell is that people (especially my wife) believe that anything, if turned into Hello Kitty, will automatically be cute. Now I can see that with most things this might be able to be argued (if you happen to like Hello Kitty), but Hello Kitty fanatics take it to a level beyond what is normal. It is beyond me why someone would get the inspiration to create a Hello Kitty scarecrow (then again, this seems to be the normal daily operation of Hello Kitty Hell):

Hello Kitty scarecrow

When I first saw this photo, all I could think was, “Yes, Hello Kitty in a bad horror movie as a scarecrow would be quite fitting and definitely scary.” My wife had a completely different reaction: “Isn’t that cute? I think I’ll make miniature versions for our flower garden!” So now I can expect the images of Hello Kitty scarecrows to come into my nightmares meaning that Hello Kitty will not even leave me alone when I sleep. Yep, another typical example of Hello Kitty expanding her domain in Hello Kitty Hell…

Reader cutesy really should have to dream about this monstrosity every night for sending the photo…

Hello Kitty Bento

It’s cherry blossom viewing season in Japan and so my wife wants to make a picnic and go view the cherry blossoms. Then Hello Kitty Hell struck with a link left in the last post that showed photos of various Hello Kitty obento creations:

Hello Kitty obento

Hello Kitty bento

Hello Kitty bento box lunch

Hello Kitty obento box lunch

I don’t even want to imagine what I’m going to see when I open my bento box next time. You know those scary movies when the main character decides that it’s a good idea to go down into the basement, and the feeling you get when she/he opens the basement door – that “No! No! Don’t do it! How the hell can you be so stupid? You know how horrible it’s going to be down there!” That’s the feeling I’m going to have every time I open up a bento box from now on…which pretty much is on par with Hello Kitty Hell.

From Mrs Muffle in the comments who should be forced to not only make these for herself, but also eat them everyday from now on… (via e-charaben)

Update: One would think that the above Hello Kitty bentos would be enough to swear all others off of creating their own, but that would be greatly underestimating the complete lack of sanity of Hello Kitty fanatics:

bento box with Hello Kitty rice ball

Japanese bento with KT Hello Kitty

cute Hello Kitty Japanese bento box

kawaii Hello Kitty bento as snowman

Sent in by milli (via akinoichigo)

Hello Kitty Food Stamp

Well, this little Hello Kitty email pretty much guaranteed Hello Kitty Food Hell for the rest of my life. Now not only can my wife search for all the Hello Kitty branded food out there to torture me with, but if for some reason she’s in a hurry or can’t find a particular food that comes with Hello Kitty, she can simply brand it with a Hello Kitty stamp:

Hello Kitty food stamp

Just thinking about all the food my wife can now Hello Kittify is nauseating in itself. Even worse, there is no doubt that Hello Kitty Hell has reached a new pinnacle of Hellishness when you not only are surrounded by her 24/7 on the outside, but she is also slowly moving her way through your bowels day and night…

Obviously, eemcginnis who passed this photo my way deserves to eat as much Hello Kitty food as I will eventually have to eat…

Hello Kitty Bicycle Tire

There are things that you begin to expect when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. You take for granted that standard items are going to come in a Hello Kitty edition. If they make a Hello Kitty car, it seems pretty obvious they also make a Hello Kitty bicycle:

Hello Kitty bicycle

But Hello Kitty is never satisfied with merely coming in obvious forms. She always takes it a step further by placing her face on items that make you stop and wonder what the hell was someone thinking?!?

Hello Kitty bicycle tire

Then it dawns on you that the person who thought of that knew that there were Hello Kitty fanatics in the world and even though it makes absolutely no sense at all, it will become a best seller and make them a lot of money. Unfortunately, part of those riches are coming from my wife.

wife: “If we get those tires, then we can ride through the mud and we can leave a trail of Hello Kitty where ever we go!”

me: … (unable to utter a sound as I think of how utterly disgusting that thought is)

It seems appropriate in Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty would leave a trail of herself everywhere we went. While that may be a dream for a Hello Kitty fanatic, it is just one more confirmation that no matter how bad you think Hello Kitty Hell can get, there is always something around the corner to remind you the worst is yet to come (it is only a matter of time before they start making Hello Kitty tires for cars…)

I believe that compound punishment should be bestowed when a guy, as in this case with zbicyclist, sends me Hello Kitty photos…there is something very wrong when Hello Kitty Hell takes a step in that direction.

Hello Kitty Easter Eggs

One of the many troubles with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that every holiday is an excuse to get more Hello Kitty. It makes no difference that Hello Kitty has absolutely no connection with the event — she will find a way to be there. Take, for example, these Hello Kitty Easter Eggs:

Hello Kitty Easter Eggs
from reader shoho

How in Hello Kitty Hell did Hello Kitty weasel her way into this holiday? There is absolutely no connection, but there she is like she owns the holiday.

Hello Kitty Easter Eggs
Sakurako Kitsa [flickr]

Hello Kitty Easter Eggs
OneLuckyBiatch [flickr]

Hello Kitty Easter Eggs
buzzbo [flickr]

There is just something totally depressing knowing that I will wake up on Sunday to find pink colored eggs covered with Hello Kitty all over the house. Not to mention too many assortments of Hello Kitty candy. I’m already feeling sick and the day hasn’t even arrived…

Oh, how I long for the good old days when the only concern at Easter was whether the chocolate bunny was hollow or solid…

Reader shoho, who sent the original photo (to get my wife really excited about a Hello Kitty Easter), should really have to eat nothing but Hello Kitty Easter candy for the next week…

Sent in by Monica

Hello Kitty iPod Mini

Well, it has certainly become a classic Hello Kitty Hell day. My last post hasn’t even been up an hour and I’m getting multiple emails that my wife can get a Hello Kitty iPod. It’s not like she really needs encouragement, you know?

Hello Kitty iPod

And when my wife sees the Hello Kitty iPod (which of course I’m trying desperately to hide from her), she looks at me like I’m an idiot and says, “I already have that….why do you think I want the Hello Kitty iPod recharger?”

You can imagine how many Hello Kitty items are in our house when I don’t even know that my wife already has a Hello Kitty iPod…and that, my friends, is true Hello Kitty Hell…

Reader Energist deserves to listen to Hello Kitty music 24/7 for a month for sending the photo which made me look like a fool in front of my wife and made me realize that listening to Hello Kitty music on a Hello Kitty iPod (being charged by a Hello Kitty recharger) in our Hello Kitty car is no longer a possibility, but an inevitability…