As you all know, I promised to choose someone to give the Hello Kitty ceramic figure to in order to protect it when you overwhelmingly voted to save her instead of letting me smash her with a hammer. There were a lot of entries that put a lot of thought into how to protect Hello Kitty, but ultimately I decided to go with Heather and her Nerf missile guns (she is being sent out this weekend), because one of the things that I love to see in Hello Kitty Hell is poetic justice:
Although I donâ€™t have a Blendtec blender with which to protect Ms Kitty, and I donâ€™t have a tank that I could use in Hello Kittyâ€™s Arsenal of Free Cuteness, I can offer the services of my geek brother and I. You see, my brother is rather famous for his many ingenious ways in which he modifies Nerf guns into semi-automatic dart-firing machines. And honestly, as much as I love tanks, theyâ€™re much to hard and rigid to protect Hello Kitty. And as much as I love Blendtec blenders, the blender is much too square, and its blades are much too sharp and shiny. No, Hello Kitty needs to be protected by something from her own universe; something soft, cute, brightly colored, and slightly fuzzy. You know, like a Nerf dartâ€¦ thatâ€™s capable of being fired across a football field.
You might be wondering, how would a Nerf gun compare to the protection power of the glock that someone else offered? Well, I somehow doubt that Hello Kittyâ€™s cute little petite, feminine hands could withstand the shock of firing a glock. But she could easily fire the cute little missiles that come out of a Nerf gun with enough force to give a full sized man a black eye. See? Not only would a Nerf gun provide protection through pain, that pain would come from something as soft, gooshy, and cute as Hello Kitty herself. Itâ€™s a little something I like to call Poetic Justice.
So if you grant me the privilege of protecting Hello Kitty, I will do my best to guard her with my familyâ€™s entire arsenal of super soft, super cute weaponry. That includes everything from the air-tank powered automatic dart rifle, to the massive customized camel-back missile launcher. Iâ€™d even take Hello Kitty out to the next Nerf War, so that she can learn how to defend herself with a Nerf gun her own size. But if she should happen to take a little friendly fire, donâ€™t worry, how much damage could a Nerf missile really do?
Anyway, thatâ€™s my pitch from my Nerf soapbox. I say the best justice is poetic justice, and the best way to protect the sweetest, cutest, softest, most feminine kitty in history, is with the softest, foamiest, fastest weapons on the planet: nerf.
Now, I know that Heather will be doing her best to protect Hello Kitty so that no harm comes to her, but I also know that none of us could blame her if while teaching Hello Kitty how to protect herself with the Nerf missile launcher Hello Kitty accidentally gets some string tangled around her neck at the end of the Nerf missile and launches herself the distance of a football field into a brick wall (or some other unthinkable tragedy) since we all know accidents do happen.
I feel good in knowing that I have honored your wishes to save Hello Kitty and to place her in a protective environment…