Hello Kitty Saved Update


As you all know, I promised to choose someone to give the Hello Kitty ceramic figure to in order to protect it when you overwhelmingly voted to save her instead of letting me smash her with a hammer. There were a lot of entries that put a lot of thought into how to protect Hello Kitty, but ultimately I decided to go with Heather and her Nerf missile guns (she is being sent out this weekend), because one of the things that I love to see in Hello Kitty Hell is poetic justice:

Hello Kitty is saved

Although I don’t have a Blendtec blender with which to protect Ms Kitty, and I don’t have a tank that I could use in Hello Kitty’s Arsenal of Free Cuteness, I can offer the services of my geek brother and I. You see, my brother is rather famous for his many ingenious ways in which he modifies Nerf guns into semi-automatic dart-firing machines. And honestly, as much as I love tanks, they’re much to hard and rigid to protect Hello Kitty. And as much as I love Blendtec blenders, the blender is much too square, and its blades are much too sharp and shiny. No, Hello Kitty needs to be protected by something from her own universe; something soft, cute, brightly colored, and slightly fuzzy. You know, like a Nerf dart… that’s capable of being fired across a football field.

You might be wondering, how would a Nerf gun compare to the protection power of the glock that someone else offered? Well, I somehow doubt that Hello Kitty’s cute little petite, feminine hands could withstand the shock of firing a glock. But she could easily fire the cute little missiles that come out of a Nerf gun with enough force to give a full sized man a black eye. See? Not only would a Nerf gun provide protection through pain, that pain would come from something as soft, gooshy, and cute as Hello Kitty herself. It’s a little something I like to call Poetic Justice.

So if you grant me the privilege of protecting Hello Kitty, I will do my best to guard her with my family’s entire arsenal of super soft, super cute weaponry. That includes everything from the air-tank powered automatic dart rifle, to the massive customized camel-back missile launcher. I’d even take Hello Kitty out to the next Nerf War, so that she can learn how to defend herself with a Nerf gun her own size. But if she should happen to take a little friendly fire, don’t worry, how much damage could a Nerf missile really do?

Anyway, that’s my pitch from my Nerf soapbox. I say the best justice is poetic justice, and the best way to protect the sweetest, cutest, softest, most feminine kitty in history, is with the softest, foamiest, fastest weapons on the planet: nerf.

Now, I know that Heather will be doing her best to protect Hello Kitty so that no harm comes to her, but I also know that none of us could blame her if while teaching Hello Kitty how to protect herself with the Nerf missile launcher Hello Kitty accidentally gets some string tangled around her neck at the end of the Nerf missile and launches herself the distance of a football field into a brick wall (or some other unthinkable tragedy) since we all know accidents do happen.

I feel good in knowing that I have honored your wishes to save Hello Kitty and to place her in a protective environment…

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8 Responses to Hello Kitty Saved Update

  1. hkitty383 says:

    …okay….

  2. Heather says:

    Thank you, thank you very much, this is indeed quite an honor. I promise I will do my best to um, protect Hello Kitty with all of my abilities and weaponry. I’ll post an update as soon as she arrives safely. Thanks again, I’m really quite excited to do my duty in the name of the kitty. ;)

  3. Carol says:

    Hooray! It warms my heart to hear that Kitty is going to such a protected home, to be surrounded by superior weaponry. I’m sure she will be well taken care of, although we all understand that sometimes accidents just happen.

  4. lisa says:

    may she rest….i mean stay in peace.

  5. Laiane says:

    I [heart] Heather; she’s a woman after my own heart. However, she owes me a new computer keyboard because I LOL-ed coffee all over it this morning reading her note to you.

  6. I can’t imagine the anguish you went through in choosing just the right home for HK. Not a decision to be taken lightly.

    Heather — to those whom much is entrusted, much is expected. Photographic updates of HKs new environment will, of course, set everyone’s mind at ease. I have every confidence that your plan for protection will provide much entertainment relief in HK’s well-being.

  7. MountPenguin says:

    Hello,

    I came across your excellent site while searching for ‘”hello kitty” blender’. Unfortunately I was unable to find any pictures of Hello Kitty being put through a blender. I wonder if you or your readers could help me in my quest?

    Yours

    MountPenguin

  8. James says:

    Where did you get the hello kitty darts?

    Thanks,

    James

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