One of the worst things about my life is that people actually think it’s a good idea to send my wife all kinds of Hello Kitty crap. Believe me, the last thing in the world that is needed around my house is anything with the evil feline on it. In most cases, it’s unavoidable that it enters her collection because I have no idea what has been ordered and what hasn’t, but a few days ago a package arrived with a message on the outside that indicated that whatever was inside was a gift (“A little something for Mrs. HKH”). I stealthily brought it inside and opened it to find the following letter:
Dear Mrs. HKH,
I love Hello Kitty almost as much as you do. I’m jealous that you are able to get so many Hello Kitty products that I can only dream of having one day. The one thing that I do love the most in my collection are my Hello Kitty glasses. Everyone compliments me when they see them and tells me how great they look. I am sending you a pair because I know that you will love them as much as I do!
As you can plainly see, they’re quite hideous and undoubtedly created to inflict the greatest amount of pain on anyone who happens to come in contact with the fanatic delusional enough to wear them:
In the rare situation when I find myself in possession of something that my wife has no idea about, there is only one thing to do — get rid of it before she discovers it. The preferable course of action would be to take a hammer and let all my frustration loose, but that could leave tell-tale signs which would inevitably lead me to having to spend large amounts of time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.
Instead, I will secretly do a little test to see how many of you out there have no qualms of willingly torturing those you love by forcing this painful look on them…