Now I’m going to make a huge assumption and believe that the woman having this baby knows that she is having a girl. I know that this is a terrible assumption to make with a Hello Kitty fanatic, but making this assumption is the only way I’m going to be able to sleep at night for the rest of the month since the alternative is just too horrible to think about. If nothing else, start saying prayers for the little one inside that belly. I can guarantee that she wouldn’t be coming out into this world if she knew what was waiting for her.

Of course, the Hello Kitty fanatic takes this to a whole new level. My wife not only loved the concept of the Hello Kitty belly, she took it to a whole other level when she asked, “Wouldn’t it be wonderful if we could have Hello Kitty as a baby?” I think a vasectomy is looking a lot less painful than the alternative at this point…

Sent in by Eric who should have to endure Hello Kitty body paint on his significant others for the rest of his life for thinking for even a moment that sending a photo like this could ever produce any good in the world…

I want to ask “why?” but cringe at the thought of what would happen if I did. Instead of understanding immediately that it’s a question that can not possibly be answered with a straight face or sound mind, Hello Kitty fanatics will spend hours explaining to me in all seriousness and with the minutest details, why Hello Kitty baby perfume is a wonderful idea. They will continue to do this until I agree with them just to get them to shut their mouth or, if I happen to be extremely lucky, an asteroid falls through the roof seriously injuring me and I’m hauled away in an ambulance to intensive care for the next 3 months, but away from the evil feline.

The company claims that Hello Kitty baby perfume is aimed at infants and toddlers with a fragrance of raspberry, hazelnut and violet. That’s like saying that Hello Kitty candy comes with “rich flavors” when everyone knows it will taste exactly like all other Hello Kitty candy: pure sugar. My guess is it really smells like pink bubble gum and contains a virus that permanently alters the brain to crave Hello Kitty (and if it doesn’t, you know that Sanrio is busily working on one that does). Just one more thing to confirm I’m living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in first by Ed (as well as many others via the scented salamander) who should have to wear this perfume on a daily basis for ever thinking that it would be a good idea to send me this photo…

This Hello Kitty rubber duck simply terrifies me. One look at it and you’ll never be able to take a bath again (unless, of course, you are a Hello Kitty fanatic and therefore oblivious to the terror that a toy like this foretells). It typifies the toy in the bathtub that the cameras would focus on right before a mutant monster reached out through the bathtub drain to pull the woman under and drown her. Or what we’d see being splattered with blood as a knife wielding serial killer took care of business in the shower. Basically, it’s the toy that perfectly illustrates that there is something seriously wrong in the world and the result is going to be a horrific death — which pretty much sums up the world view of anyone living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by kay who deserves to have Hello Kitty rubber duck slasher nightmares for the rest of her life for thinking even a moment that sending me a photo of this could ever be a good idea…

You knew it had to happen eventually. If Hello Kitty fanatics were willing to place Hello Kitty heads on cats and dogs, it didn’t take much of a leap to know they would eventually do it to their own babies as well:

This is so obviously wrong that I don’t know where to even begin. Isn’t there a law somewhere that states completely humiliating your child for the rest of their life is some sort of child abuse? If there isn’t, this is the perfect proof that there should be.

Of course, my wife thinks this is “the cutest thing ever” which means that I will have to endure something similar if we ever have kids. While I do worry that such antics will scar the kids for life, I’m sure that having to deal with Hello Kitty child cuteness will scar me far more since it will only fuel the Hello Kitty Hell flames taking it to a whole other level…

Sent in by Mhkitty who should be punished in unthinkable ways for putting the thought of this into my wife’s mind and seeding my nightmares for the rest of the month…

The characters are irresistible to your child, but a new study reveals there’s a suspected human cancer-causing chemical inside millions of bottles of bubbles…

The FDA recommends a maximum of 10 parts per million (ppm) of the contaminant. The author says of the products tested, 15% exceeded that recommendation.

Among the children’s products, the Hello Kitty Bubble Bath was the worst offender. It was found to have 12ppm, 20 percent more than the FDA recommendation. The chemical was also found in some adult products.

That sure sounds a lot more like the Hello Kitty I know compared to the Hello Kitty the Hello Kitty fanatics portray. Now if I could only find a product where Hello Kitty would just kill herself…

Photo courtesy of Reid H Cooper [flickr]

When I look at some of the things that they make Hello Kitty style for babies, I think that it is probably a good thing that I spend half the time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag alone. I view each of these items with both a sense of relief (that we don’t have it) and dread (there is a good chance that one day we will have it).

Today’s email attachment was for this Hello Kitty baby car seat:

You know you’re in Hello Kitty Hell when your only hope is if they come out with Hello Kitty birth control…