My wife absolutely loves the Hello Kitty toe nails and wants some for herself. She couldn’t stop squealing with high pitched Hello Kitty delight as she wondered out loud why she had not thought of doing that herself.

My reaction was quite different. Upon seeing them, I immediately recognized that the perfect torture technique had been developed. Instead of torturing a prisoner by slowly ripping of their finger and toe nails off with pliers, all you would have to do is show them the Hello Kitty manicure and pedicure. The person being detained would instantly recognize that ripping off their own nails would be vastly less painful than having Hello Kitty placed on them and having to look at them 24/7. Something I’m sure I have to look forward doing to myself in the near future if Hello Kitty Hell continues down it’s current path…

Left on twitter by @PinkVelvetDream via Pink Velvet who has obviously brought so much more pain and suffering upon herself by creating these than I could ever imagine wishing upon her for ever thinking that it would be a good idea to send them to me…

While my wife insists that this will help beautify your skin, I put it forth as proof that the employees at Sanrio have an ongoing bet that they can put the evil feline on anything and that Hello Kitty fanatics will buy it. I have no doubt that a typical morning meeting in the Hello Kitty new product development division goes something like this:

team member 1: “We need to think up a new Hello Kitty product to sell.”

team member 2: “We have already put Hello Kitty on everything that exists. There is nothing more.”

team member 1: “Hmmm, OK, let’s just make some crap up and and put Hello Kitty on it.”

team member 2: “Like what? Something like Hello Kitty eggshell membrane oil?”

new team member: “Nobody will ever buy something as stupid as that…:

team manager: “You must be new to this team…”

all team members: (shaking their heads with bemusement as they snicker under their breath)

team member 1: “Yes! We will say that it helps beautify your skin. The Hello Kitty fanatics will love it!”

They then go on to sell millions and repeat the same process each and everyday. In fact, I bet now they just make up the most ridiculous thing that they can think of in hopes that they can prove this formula wrong, but still haven’t managed to come close to finding something that fanatics won’t actually buy. I should know — it all ends up in my house to ensure that I continue to live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Left by @sylphanne (via @RachelTrue on Twitter) who both should actually have to use that crap on their skin as punishment for owning / thinking that sending it to me could ever be a good idea…

For some unfathomable reason, my wife thinks that this is adorable and would be fun to wear around. Something about being able to wear your hair as Hello Kitty on a daily basis or something like that, but to tell the truth, I’m not sure exactly what she was saying because as soon as I heard the word “adorable,” I immediately tuned out everything she said. I knew my head would explode in excruciating pain if I actually had to hear somebody explaining how this could be cute, and my self preservation instinct kicked in.

So my wife does have a reason, but I hope I never find out what it actually is. Then again, the fear that she might spontaneously decide to tell me again when my defenses are down pretty much ensures more Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Lynn (via princessdelacoiffure) who should have to listen to my wife explain exactly why she finds it adorable again and again until she grows tired of doing so (never) as punishment for ever thinking that sending this photo to me could result in anything positive.

When my wife saw this photo, she thought it was adorable and didn’t hesitate to inform me that when we have a little girl, she will participate in Hello Kitty beauty pageants. Maybe those Hello Kitty condoms aren’t such a bad idea after all…

Left by Kristen on facebook who should have to attend daily Hello Kitty beauty pageants for the rest of her life as punishment for letting my wife know that these exist and ensuring the depths of Hello Kitty hell increase when we have children…

Sent in by too many people – stop sending MAC stuff – the campaign is over and let’s leave it that way for everybody’s sanity…

Of course, when my wife sees something like this, she believes that it’s a fashionable new trend. Even worse, she instantly believes that it’s a fashionable new trend that I need to partake in so that I am fashionable.

I, on the other hand, have quite a different feeling when I see this. I would much rather have an full body bikini wax over the entire 6 foot 3 inch frame of my hairy body (yeah, I know that isn’t a pretty image — sorry about that) than to have Hello Kitty stickers placed on my face to be “fashionable.”

Yet another battle to be fought in the depths of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Natalie who should be forced to wear Hello Kitty stickers on her face each day for the rest of her life as punishment for sending this to me and giving my wife the idea that this is something that I should do…

After the initial “wtf?! are my eyes deceiving me?” moment has passed, you inevitably re-loop back into the same question because of how little sense this makes. The best case scenario has everyone leaving with a bow in their hair and worst case is that everyone leaving looks like this.

Of course, my wife thinks this is the greatest idea ever and wants to get her hair done there. She somehow believes that getting her hair done in a Hello Kitty hair salon will make the haircut that much cuter than if it was done in a regular hair salon (no use trying to explain that it doesn’t make any sense because nothing regarding the evil feline does…)

To make matters worse, my wife thinks that I should get my hair cut at the Hello Kitty hair salon because the “outstanding haircut will make you appreciate Hello Kitty more.” I think the only saving grace if this should happen is that there will be lots of sharp objects around to allow me to slit my wrists and quickly put me out of my pain. One more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by deidra who should be forced to go to this hair salon on a daily basis for the next year as punishment for thinking that it would in any way, shape or form be a good idea to email me this photo…

Of course, this is infinitely better than the Hello Kitty contacts, but that simply proves that the world is in a sad state when it’s possible to name something that is worse than this. My wife’s bright idea? Combine the Hello Kitty eyeshadow with the Hello Kitty contacts so that Hello Kitty will be staring at you 24/7 — now that’s truly the definition of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Chrissey who should have to wear Hello Kitties on her face daily for the next year for giving my wife such an idea and thinking for even an instant that something good could come out of sending me something like this…

So what does this gadget do? Who the hell knows…apparently by pressing it against your face, it is able to directly measure the state of your skin by analyzing your skin’s moisture content, oil content and sun damage. Since this would seem incredibly ridiculous to even someone in an insane asylum, my bet is that it really sends beams of Hello Kitties under your skin to infect you with a Hello Kitty virus that Sanrio has developed to get you to buy more Hello Kitty junk. That, or send huge amounts of electricity into the brain to fry it to the point that you actually think that Hello Kitty is cute.

Even the employees at Sanrio believe they may have taken all this Hello Kitty crap a step too far. Realizing that this gadget doesn’t make any sense at all, it appears that at least one employee had a twinge of conscience and added a clock to it (they call the gadget a “Hello Kitty beauty clock”), so that it actually has one function which makes sense to anyone who isn’t a Hello Kitty fanatic.

Of course, none of this makes any difference to my wife. It’s a cute Hello Kitty gadget which she can add to her collection for a mere $25, use and pretend that somehow Hello Kitty understands how her skin is doing on a daily basis. Or in other words, she has ensured that Hello Kitty Hell continues to get worse on a daily basis…

While I’m sure that seeing such a sight would send a Hello Kitty fanatic into a tizzy (based upon my wife’s reaction from simply seeing the photo), I think I can pretty much speak for the rest of us in saying that bringing S&M Hello Kitty headed models to real life is probably the best way to get everyone to run as far away from the store as possible while they relieve their stomach of the last meal they had eaten.

And while anything Hello Kitty that comes into my life is something of great concern, the fact that Hello Kitty seems to be emphasizing the Hello Kittification of men on a more regular basis is definitely not a good sign for all of us poor souls that live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Maggie who should have to date the Hello Kitty MAC model in full costume as punishment for ever thinking for an instant that sending me this photo could be a good idea…