Sometimes I forget that Hello Kitty looks at every event that makes the news as an opportunity to promote herself no matter how utterly distasteful doing so may be. A perfect example of this is the evil feline’s decision to create a Hello Kitty Steve Jobs as a memorial tribute as if anyone (besides the fanatics) could ever view this as something positive. See for yourself:

What’s probably most ironic is that while many other computer companies were more than willing to cover their computers and other gadgets with Hello Kitty, I can’t think of anyone who could ever imagine Steve Jobs allowing this type of gimmick to occur to any Apple product. You know that Hello Kitty probably begged and begged to produce any limited edition Apple product and was spurned time and again. So having failed while he was alive, they immediately turn him into Hello Kitty upon his death when he can no longer defend himself. I’m not sure I can think of many things that are quite as Hello Kitty Hellish as that…

Sent in by Sugi

It’s obvious that Hello Kitty wants anyone and everyone to promote her, even if it’s a D-List TV personality wearing an age inappropriate costume. I could go on and on about what a sad train wreck the Bethenny Frankel Hello Kitty costume is, but a couple of photos will do that so much better:

Just one more reason I can’t wait for this holiday to be over…

Sent in by Norma

While it’s certainly true that Hello Kitty finds a variety of ways to make my life hell on a daily basis, most of the time I can take it. Then there are the days when the evil feline devastates me.

I have always had a secret celebrity crush on Zooey Deschanel. Since I had never seen a photograph of her wearing the evil feline like so many other celebrities, I’d come to assume that she was one of the sane ones out there.

So you can imagine the devastation I felt when I discovered that not only did Zooey Deschanel have this monstrosity (3rd photo down) of a Hello Kitty sewing machine, she was actually quite proud of it:

As she unfortunately states: I have a HELLO KITTY Janome sewing machine. It’s awesome. I want to believe that this is nothing more than a passing delusion and that she will come to her senses, but we all know that once Hello Kitty gets her claws into you, it’s more difficult to free yourself than from a Hello Kitty cocaine habit. Just when you think that the depths of Hello Kitty Hell can go no further, she provides yet another step that she forces you down…

Sent in by Amy

Antonio Garay is a 6-foot-4, 320-pound NFL defender. Usually I would have nothing bad to say about someone who could undoubtedly do me great physical harm, but Antonio also proudly drives a Hello Kitty smart car:

Despite the risk of having him show up at my door and twisting me into a pretzel, I have to tell the truth. Antonio has become so delusional with his ability to endure the pain inflicted upon him in the NFL that he has recklessly assumed that he can live with any pain that the evil feline might throw his way. He doesn’t realise how wrong he is, as he will quickly realise when his significant other insists that he wears these. Either that, or he has had his head slapped so many times that he can no longer think clearly. Either way, he’s unwittingly headed into a life of Hello Kitty Hell from which he will never be able to escape.

Sent in by Binks

There are some things in life that when I see, I give thanks that I was somehow spared from the Hello Kitty Hellishness. That is exactly how I feel about this recent Hello Kitty by Swarovski event in Japan (prepare for 5 minutes of sickening sweetness if you dare to watch this video — I highly recommend you use common sense and don’t as this will save your mind from losing several IQ points)

Going out to an event is supposed to be fun, not cause excruciating pain and leave you scarred for life. I guess that the only upside of the Hello Kitty Swarovski combo is that you at least have a fighting chance to use the Swarovski crystals to slit your wrists and put yourself out of the agony you would surely be experiencing…

Sent in by Sheila

This is exactly how my wife thinks all women should dress (seriously) and why she looks forward to Halloween so much. It certainly doesn’t help that she is a huge Rie Miyazawa fan as well which means I have to watch this commercial over and over and over again.

Welcome to a tiny taste of my Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Adora (via tokyomango)

Hello Kitty on anything is a disaster in itself. Give that Hello Kitty item to a celebrity and that disaster only amplifies untold times. Kelly Clarkson x Hello Kitty is a perfect example. I’m not sure what I find more disturbing — the fact that a Hello Kitty garter belt exists or that Kelly Clarkson thinks that a Hello Kitty garter belt should be worn on her head:

Of course, upon seeing this my wife has added the hello Kitty garter belt as a must have to go along with the Hello Kitty wedding dress, the Hello Kitty wedding cake and the Hello Kitty wedding ring as part of her dream Hello Kitty wedding that she wants to have as a second go around since she hadn’t realised her Hello Kitty fanaticism when we originally got married.

Unfortunately, any mention of Hello Kitty and wedding together automatically ensures a worse than usual week in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Amy (via Kelly Clarkson) who should have to wear a Hello Kitty garter belt around her head just like Kelly Clarkson as punishment for getting my wife thinking about Hello Kitty weddings again and ever thinking that sending this photo to me would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty has an official music video, and although it is a terrible song, it does have one highly redeeming value — the words have absolutely nothing to do with Hello Kitty.

The immediate question is why has Hello Kitty decided not to try to ruin the hearing of her legions of fans with the usual sickly sweetness? My guess is that the people at Sanrio figured that both the Hello Kitty theme song and Hello Kitty online theme song had ended up disabling the spending of too many of the fan base by putting them into diabetic music comas, so they needed try something new.

Of course, this change will undoubtedly be a bad thing in the long run. By packaging a random song as an official Hello Kitty music video which has nothing to do with the evil feline, the Sanrio marketing department may have found an easy way to release a new Hello Kitty official music video every week. Pick a random song. Pile lots of Hello Kitty crap in the background. Hello Kitty fanatics can’t resist and go out and buy everything in the video. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

All I know is that the one thing I have learned over the years is that rarely does anything good result in my Hello Kitty Hell when Hello Kitty tries to do something new for whatever reason…

Sent in by daisy who should have to listen to this song 24/7 for the next month as punishment for ever thinking that sending something like this to me would ever be a good idea…

Update: More Hello Kitty music videos to make your cringe:

Sent in by Rachael

What is worse than Lady Gaga dressed in a Hello Kitty plush dress? The thought of a line of Lady Gaga Barbies wearing that Hello Kitty plush dress:

My wife took one look at this and thought it was the greatest thing ever (The fact that not every Hello Kitty item can be “the greatest thing ever” seems to be one of those impossibilities that Hello Kitty fanatics conveniently ignore), and thinks it would make a wonderful addition to her collection. I think that when you take three wrongs (Lady Gaga + Barbie + Hello Kitty) and combine them together, they not only don’t make a right, but you have basically set in motion the conditions for the human race to give up all hope. That’s certainly the point in Hello Kitty Hell I reached when I saw it…

Sent in by tiff (via veik11 – used with permission) who should have to spend her life creating Hello Kitty Lady Gaga Barbies as punishment for ever thinking that sending me this photo could ever be a good idea…

It seems that Lindsay Lohan has decided that she no longer needs some of her Hello Kitty crap. She has decided to sell it to her fans on a new website which she created for the sole purpose of selling all of her old crap (seriously, you can’t make this stuff up). I can’t decide if it is good news that Lindsay Lohan has actually figured out that Hello Kitty crap is not worth keeping, or beyond evil feline evil that someone will end up with not only Hello Kitty crap, but Hello Kitty crap previously owned by Lindsay Lohan.

Every dog out there owned by a Hello Kitty fanatic is freaking out about this time. It’s pretty humiliating to be dragged around town in a Hello Kitty dog bag, but then having the owner tell everyone that it was also once owned by Lindsay Lohan would pretty much put the poor mutt on par with having a Hello Kitty dog tattoo (and you noticed that that dog ran away the first chance it got).

Lindsay also has another bag for sale:

My wife thinks it’s great that celebrities want to share their love of Hello Kitty with their fans. I see this as a new and unexpected twist in Hello Kitty Hell that could have horrifying consequences. Could there really be anything worse than collecting celebrity pre-owned Hello Kitty crap? Hello Kitty Hell, as I have found out time and again, can always get worse…

Sent in by Nancy who should have to dress in pre-owned Lindsay Lohan clothes for the rest of her life as punishment for ever thinking that letting my wife know about this could ever be anything buy disastrous…