Seriously, the people at Sanrio have gotten to the point that not only are they not even trying anymore, they are actively testing to see if there is anything that Hello Kitty fanatics won’t buy. Can you really come to any other conclusion when they are willing to release a product called “Who Pooped on My Toothbrush?” toothpaste in strawberry flavor?

I still don’t understand the fascination of Hello Kitty x Poo, but obviously Hello Kitty fanatics think it’s a good thing to brush their teeth with. What’s ultimately so sad is that no matter how hard Sanrio employees try, and no matter how ridiculous the products that they come up with, the fanatics will continue to see them as cute and buy them. Is it really any wonder that more and more are finding themselves in Hello Kitty Hell?

Sent in by Nam Yoon Kim (with dedications to Nam Hee Kim and Orchid Lee)

The simple fact that anyone could even conceive of this club, let alone that it actually exists, scares the Hello Kitty Hell out of me. There really isn’t any more that needs to be said about the Hello Kitty Athletic Club:

Sent in by Summer (via the Hello Kitty athletic club blog where there are plenty of other disturbing photos sure to give you nightmares for the rest of the year…)

There really was no doubt left that Hello Kitty would put her name and likeness on anything and everything after she decided that the Hello Kitty vibrator (oh, sorry, I meant “shoulder massager”) was actually an acceptable item for the evil feline to promote. Since Hello Kitty alcohol was also deemed age appropriate for all the fanatics, was it really that much of a stretch to believe that Hello Kitty cigarettes would appear at some point?

Completely disregarding the irony that a cat with no mouth (but an extreme oral fixation) wants to help girls be beautiful, happy and healthy by encouraging them to suck away on cancer sticks (I have no doubt that they have been engineered in such a way that when the cancer appears, it’s in the shape of Hello Kitty’s face), my biggest fear would be what they actually taste like. One would assume that it would be impossible for cigarettes to taste any worse than they already do, but that would not be giving Hello Kitty her due when it comes to making things worse when it seems impossible to do so. Or maybe she will make them taste so sickly sweet that fanatics can’t resist them. Then they will become so addicted and smoke so many packs that they begin dying off. Maybe Hello Kitty cigarettes aren’t such a bad idea after all…

Sent in by hkdiva

Update: You thought that it would stop at one?

Sent in by ciggirl

As if you really needed any additional proof that Hello Kitty fanatics have a warped sense of thinking, you simply have to ask yourself what would you do if you were going to the beach. Most of us would put on some suntan lotion to prevent a sunburn and have a good time, but the Hello Kitty fanatic thinks a bit differently than you and me. She instead decides to put a Hello Kitty stencil on her body and then purposely get burned so that she can show off her lovely Hello Kitty sunburn to all her friends:

So in an indirect way, the evil feline promotes skin cancer, which actually makes a lot of sense when you think about it since it really isn’t difficult to see that Hello Kitty is a cancer on society. All in all, the indications are that this is going to be one of the worst Hello Kitty Hell summers in quite some time which is definitely saying a lot…

Sent in by Makenzie

It’s more than a bit ironic that despite Hello Kitty having no mouth, she has quite an oral branding fixation. This irony is all the worse because the Hello Kitty oral branding tends to be some of the worst. It’s difficult to keep one’s sanity when you see things like the Hello Kitty tooth, the Hello Kitty retainers, the Hello Kitty tongue stud and the Hello Kitty tongue and lip tattoos. One would assume that these disasters would bring Hello Kitty fanatics to their senses and that they would realize that Hello Kitty does not belong anywhere near their mouth, but that would be making the terrible assumption that Hello Kitty fanatics have common sense. Thus someone thought that Hello Kitty braces would be a good idea:

Let me give you a little hint that will serve you well in life. If you see a cute girl and she smiles at you to reveal a set of Hello Kitty braces or if your current significant others says that she has to have these, turn around and run. Better yet, sprint as fast as you can. Failure to do so with result you wearing a Hello Kitty tux while she walks down the aisle in a Hello Kitty wedding dress while you exchange Hello Kitty wedding rings. And that will only be the beginning of your Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Vivian

There is not much in life that I can be thankful to the evil feline for, but one thing is that I will never get sick again. I already made this decision when I ran into the Hello Kitty scrubs (or if I do, I will just let myself die instead of letting myself suffer through what I will likely find at the hospital which will undoubtedly will be far more painful). The latest device one has to fear if they should happen to hurt themselves is the Hello Kitty wheelchair (with interchangeable Hello Kitty wheelchair spoke guards so that you can suffer — and makes all those around you do so as well — in multi colors)

My wife thinks that a Hello Kitty wheelchair will make people heal faster. She may have a point. I would imagine that anyone would do whatever needed to be done (including miraculously healing themselves) to get out of one of those things as quickly as possible…

Sent in by Chrissy who should have to use one of those for the rest of her life as punishment for ever thinking that I needed more reason to stay out of hospitals…

I ended up in the hospital emergency room last week (luckily I didn’t end up in a Hello Kitty hospital or a Hello Kitty examination room). Now, most people would view a trip to the emergency room as a negative experience, but when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, things tend to get a bit warped. All of a sudden I found myself someplace that was (seemingly) void of the Hello Kitty, so as I sat in the emergency waiting room, I was actually beginning to think that regular visits to the emergency room might not be such a bad idea.

The delusion that I would not meet the evil feline even in the emergency room was soon shattered. While I managed to avoid the Hello Kitty blood pressure gauge, I wasn’t so lucky when it came to what the nurse that did the initial screening wore when checking me into the emergency room – Hello Kitty scrubs:

As soon as my wife saw the scrubs, she was instantly more interested in them than my health and more concerned where she could get them that whether or not I was going to die. As the nurse tried to get vital information that might determine whether I lived or died, my wife peppered her with questions of where she could obtain such a “cute and wonderful uniform.”

The nurse, being the true professional that she was, not only was happy to engage in a fifteen minute conversation with my wife about all the different patterns of Hello Kitty scrubs that exist, but also gave her information on how she could purchase them. The only positive thing about the entire process was that the nurse didn’t manage to leave a Hello Kitty bruise on my arm when she drew my blood (something my wife was rooting for) and the fact that I now have a reason never to get sick again in my life…

Update: You knew the evil feline wouldn’t stop at one pattern:

I’m beginning to think that creative editing (much along the lines of Hello Kitty coloring pages) might be the way to help lessen the agony of living in Hello Kitty Hell. If a Hello Kitty fanatic decides to gift you a Hello Kitty growth chart, what is the best way to proceed after the stomach churning realization that you may have to stare at the nauseating image for the foreseeable future? How about turning it into a Hello Kitty skeleton growth chart?

My wife simply doesn’t understand why someone would ever want to do something like that to Hello Kitty. When she asked me why, I did what any self preserving man who lived in Hello Kitty Hell would do. I kept my mouth shut, scrunched my brow a bit to make it look like I was considering her question with deep thought and even placed my hand on my chin for a more dramatic effect. I then shrugged my shoulders as if to say, “I have no idea” while secretly thinking, “who knew that a little shading here and there would bring out the true Hello Kitty?” Hey, at least I’m learning how to stay off the couch and out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Sent in by krystal who should have to spend the rest of her days marking the heights of kids on Hello Kitty growth charts as punishment for ever thinking that sending this to me would be a good idea…

Update: All is not right in the world when I get emails like this”

“I love the blog. I saw that growth chart and I wanted the hello kitty on my arm. I almost got a punisher style hello kitty but I love this one so much. It is my first real tattoo. I am going to get more than I can, so I wanted to share my tat. I hope whoever drew on that chart doesn’t get mad I took their idea as a tattoo.” — Laurie

It is bad enough having to look at the outside of Hello Kitty, but there are more and more people that think it would be a good idea to look at her insides. Case in point, Hello Kitty anatomy:

Is it totally wrong that upon seeing this, I immediately thought that a quick slice with a Hello Kitty knife or Hello Kitty box cutter of one of those Hello Kitty blood vessels would be a wonderful way to make the world a little better? It’s depressing enough that this exists at all, but you know that it’s only a matter of time before someone emails this to me as their new Hello Kitty tattoo…

Sent in by Jason Freeny (via his Moist Production site) who should be forced to show the most expedient ways to kill Hello Kitty as part of this art project as compensation for ever thinking that this was something that I needed to see…

I would put visiting the dentist pretty much up there with living in Hello Kitty Hell. When you put the two together, you basically have the makings for a complete horror show where stuff like the Hello Kitty tooth becomes a permanent fixture in your mouth after getting a Hello Kitty root canal.

One would assume that the Hello Kitty tooth would make all Hello Kitty fanatics come to their senses and simply admit that Hello Kitty x dentistry will never go together, but once again you would be underestimating the lengths that Hello Kitty will go to get her image on absolutely everything. Thus, the Hello Kitty retainer was born:

Upon seeing this, my wife thought that the entire concept of a Hello Kitty dentist would be a wonderful idea. At one point she even exclaimed, “Wouldn’t Hello Kitty braces be the cutest thing ever?!”

All I could imagine was having Hello Kitty leaning over me with a Hello Kitty dentist drill in her hand with a Hello Kitty drill bit on the end hitting my teeth as the Hello Kitty Novocaine she administered hand no numbing effect. Now that I think about it, that would probably be on par to the pain that Hello Kitty Hell causes me on a daily basis…

Sent in by Tara who has already punished herself more than I could ever imagine wishing upon her by merely thinking that getting a custom made Hello Kitty retainer is something a sane person would do…

Update: One would assume that one such monstrosity would be enough, but of coourse that would go against everything we already know about Hello Kitty:

Sent in by kristen

More Hello Kitty oral fixation…

Sent in by Marisa

Sent in by Lisa