A second wedding with the full Hello Kitty theme is at the top of my wife’s wish list for our upcoming 15th wedding anniversary. It would include such horrifying things as the Hello Kitty tuxedo, Hello Kitty horse drawn carriage, Hello Kitty wedding cake, Hello Kitty wedding rings and ultimately end with us receiving a Hello Kitty wedding certificate. Facing something like this, it should be no surprise that I avoid anything and everything that might bring the second wedding topic up for discussion.

Hello Kitty fanatics don’t consider (or much more likely, don’t give a damn) that I may have a very good reason for not posting the Hello Kitty wedding dress, so they continue to send these photos to me almost as much as they used to send me photos of the Hello Kitty toaster. Stop. Just stop sending these photos to me. Believe me, if there is something out there that has anything to do with a Hello Kitty wedding, I have already seen it (and if I haven’t, I really have no desire to see it).

The fact that over five different Hello Kitty wedding dresses exist (and they’re actually coveted by many women) is further proof that the evil feline has successfully implemented her plan to take over the world. I know my personal Hello Kitty Hell has definitely reached new depths when it makes more sense for me to post these photos — and suffer through the inevitable consequence of listening about how wonderful a Hello Kitty wedding would be for the next several months — than it is to have them keep arriving in my email box…

Sent in by far, far, far too many people that obviously need to have their family and friend preform a Hello Kitty Intervention to rescue them from an addiction far worse than Hello Kitty cocaine…

If anyone sees me in a situation like this, take out the Hello Kitty shotgun and put me out of my misery.

Sent in by a disturbing number of people — far more than should ever want to watch a Hello Kitty video, let alone a Hello Kitty wedding video.

Yes, that is a Hello Kitty bow in the front. Yes, the bow tie is a Hello Kitty bow. Yes, that is Hello Kitty’s face blended into the back of the jacket. Yes, I did run to the bathroom and relieve my stomach of its contents upon seeing this…

Since my wife wasn’t a Hello Kitty fanatic when we got married, the one thing that she feels she has been denied is a Hello Kitty wedding which pretty much wraps all my Hello Kitty fears together into one terrifying event.

My wife now has the Hello Kitty wedding at the forefront of her mind since seeing this and is insisting that this is what I must wear. I think it’s time to begin looking for that Hello Kitty seppuku set (you know one exists out there somewhere and if anyone deserves it, it most certainly is me) so I can put myself out of my misery in a much less painful way than having to actually endure something like this.

Sent in (via think silly) by 15 different readers (many who seemed to derive way too much joy out of the prediction that I might one day have to wear something like this — you all really have way too much time on your hands) who should all have to join me in the Hello Kitty seppuku ritual for ensuring I will have to listen about Hello Kitty weddings for the next month and thinking that anything positive could ever come from sending something like this to me…

There is nothing that says doom and terror more for a groom than having to cut and serve your guests something like that on your wedding day. I have no doubt upon seeing that cake that there is another man that has every right to be a guest writer on this blog and he deserves to have the pity of men worldwide for the torture he is suffering.

Of course, my wife thinks it’s “absolutely adorable” and I distinctly heard the words “we should get one like that when we have our anniversary we…” at which point I slammed the door on my hand and screamed in pain because I calculated it would be infinitely less painful to do that than hearing the rest of the sentence. Unfortunately, it was probably only a temporary solution to the problem so I have a feeling that my extremities are going to be quite black and blue this coming week which seems to be a minor price to pay considering the alternative when living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Mitzi who should only be able to eat that for the rest of her life for contemplating even for a second that it was a good idea to send me this photo…

It gets even work when you realize where the wedding took place and the outfits worn:

And just to make my life completely miserable, a video of the entire event was included (view at your own risk – you have been warned…)

When it comes to looking into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell, the Hello Kitty wedding is right down there at the source of the flame. Of all the the painful moments I’ve endured in Hello Kitty Hell, I can still imagine that a Hello Kitty wedding would be more painful which is a very scary thought. Of course, my wife thinks it would be a wonderful idea if we renewed our vows in a Hello Kitty ceremony and will be reminding me of this fact for the foreseeable future ensuring that Hello Kitty Hell remains much too hot even in the middle of winter…

Sent in by Achim (via his site Hello Kitty Museum). While I should propose some unthinkable cruel curse upon him for even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me these photos, it frightens me to think that there might not be anything worse than what he has already gone through…

The problem with Hello Kitty fanatics is that they are perfectly willing to humiliate their partner and place them into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell from day one and see absolutely nothing wrong with it (because wouldn’t everybody want to dress up as Hello Kitty?). Here is the explanation in the email:

On our wedding day, according to Chinese traditions, the groom will come to “collect” the bride from her parents house. But before he gets to see her, he has to play games and do stupid things before he is allowed through the gate to see his bride. I made the Hello Kitty head for him to wear complete with collar and bell )…I was laughing the whole time I was sewing it.

Of course, my wife thought it was “sweet” and “adorable” – two words that were quite the opposite of how I would describe the situation. My sympathies go out to this man because what this poor soul doesn’t realize is that what he assumed was a one-time gag for fun is now the reality of the rest of his life…

Sent in by Gayle, who really should have to wear that costume each day for the rest of her life for thinking it was a good thing to send me this photo and whose husband is free to write for this blog at any time…

I’m not sure why this particular product annoys me so much. Yes, it’s useless, but as has already been established, so are all items of the evil feline. I think it’s the combination of nauseating Hello Kitty “cutest thing ever” mentality combined with the unrealistic romantic fairy tale love that simply makes me want to vomit. Just thinking about this combination gives me the dry heaves.

And if that hasn’t made you feel more than a bit queasy, it’s time to go and find an empty bucket or take your laptop to the bathroom. Not only is it a glass slipper, it’s also a wedding ceremony ring pillow bringing that into the equation which should pretty much empty everyone’s stomach (except, of course, for Hello Kitty fanatics who will see this as one of the greatest items ever made). When my wife begins to describe items as “precious” rather than “cute,” that is when I know it’s going to be an extra special Hello Kitty Hellish day…

It would be bad enough if I had to give her a Hello Kitty wedding ring, but it’s even worse that they come in a matching pair with Hello Kitty engraved on the inside meaning that I would also have to wear a Hello Kitty wedding ring. Sanrio, in their marketing genius, have set this up as a no win situation for any man living in Hello Kitty Hell. While the bride’s ring has Hello Kitty prominently on the outside, Hello Kitty is hidden on the inner circle of the ring on the groom’s ring — apparently even they realized the backlash if they had tried to place Hello Kitty’s face on the outside, but this strategic placement gives the bride negotiating room to argue that it is not nearly as bad as it could have been.

In reality, having Hello Kitty on the inside isn’t any better. Just the thought that I am somehow defacto married to Hello Kitty as well makes my heart seize up and gives my stomach that wonderful nauseating feeling you get before you have to run to the toilet to vomit.

Of course, the wedding rings don’t come cheap when Hello Kitty lends her face to them. The platinum Hello Kitty wedding rings run $1,640 (189,000 Yen) with the bride’s ring getting two minuscule diamond chips (0.02ct ) added to either side of Hello Kitty’s face. I’m actually surprised that they are Pepto Bismol pink.

So once again the Hello Kitty quandary arises. If I don’t get the rings, I will have to get something Hello Kitty that could be just as awful (or even worse) to placate not getting them. Either way I lose and Hello Kitty wins which is almost always the case in Hello Kitty Hell…