I debated whether or not I should post this, but I decided that if the fanatics here find something to focus on rather than this blog, that can never be a bad thing. Apparently, someone thought that it would be a good idea to make a documentary film about Hello Kitty fanatics (obviously someone that has never really had to spend much time with them in the past). I assume it’s going to be marketed as some type of real life horror film. Either that or it was special requested by the Department of Homeland Security to be used as the ultimate weapon to obtain confessions from suspected terrorists. Either way, it’s not going to be pretty and there will obviously be an unsuspecting film crew that will end up being scarred far deeper than they ever imagined for the rest of their lives.

Although they have requested that I help, I would much rather jump into a shallow pool of piranha that haven’t eaten for several months since that would be a lot more enjoyable and far less painful. Since they evidently want to experience the worst that this world has to offer, I figured that letting any fanatics reading this blog could obsess to them instead, thus giving me a slight reprieve from Hello Kitty Hell. This is what they wrote:

Let’s first say, your Hello Kitty Hell website is amazing. Secondly, I’m not an obsessed Hello Kitty fan, but I am a researcher/producer working on a documentary about Hello Kitty fanatics. Your website has become a great source of information for me, there’s some real gems! By that, I mostly mean the crazy people who are willing to scar, sunburn, brand and/or tattoo themselves with the Hello Kitty image, and that’s just to start with.

We’re going to be shooting in Japan, Hawaii, and all over the US in the next few months and would really like to interview you. Are you interested? I’m also curious if I could pick your brain for some of the sources on some of your posts? For example, the nightmarish goth-looking girl with the bow tattoo on her forehead, we’d really like to find her.

Please feel free to ask me as many questions about this project as you’d like. Essentially, it’s a feature film documentary about Hello Kitty and specifically focuses on the crazy strange obsessions of her fans.

Thanks for your time,

TC Contact

Since there are obviously no shortage of “crazy, strange, obsessed” fanatics, that for some unknown reason feel compelled to visit this site regularly, I’m sure that Trina will love for you to show her how bad it truly gets and make sure that the horror/torture film as potent as possible…

If you have to ask “When is Hello Kitty’s birthday?” or don’t instantly know that it’s November 1, 1974, then consider yourself one of the luckiest people on the planet. If you do know that November first is Hello Kitty’s birthday, you either have been endowed with an unfortunate intellect which for some unimaginable reason gives you the misguided sense to be a fanatic, or have the truly horrible misfortune to be close to a fanatic. And while it’s a truly sad existence to find yourself in either one of the two latter situations, I do believe that everyone should be wished the very best on their birthday. It’s with this in mind that I recalled the one Hello Kitty cake that I could get behind and once again present it to Hello Kitty on her birthday.

Wishing the evil feline everything she most certainly deserves in the year to come…

I would never encourage anyone to buy Hello Kitty crap, but I know that some of you reading this blog are planning to do so no matter how much a rant and rave. If you are planning to buy anything in the near future, then I would encourage you to do it on Thursday March 31 since 100% of profit will go to help the earthquake and tsunami victems in Japan (you don’t realise how painful if was for me to link to the official Sanrio site, but in times of disaster, even sworn enemies must sometimes unite)

If you are somewhat sane, then I would encourage you to donate directly to the Red Cross or by texting REDCROSS to 90999 on your cell phone.

When it comes to Hello Kitty Hell, the question is who has it the worst. Obviously, everyone and everything that has contact with the Hello Kitty fanatic has to endure their own form of Hello Kitty Hell. While I maintain that it is the significant others of the Hello Kitty fanatic that have it the worst (still doubt?), the dogs and cats of the Hello Kitty fanatic certainly have a valid claim as well. Add the kids of Hello Kitty fanatics to the mix:

You have to feel for this kid and I know I have worn that expression more times than I would care to remember. The worst part is this is what everyday becomes if you are forced to go shopping with a Hello Kitty fanatic because you know they will go into every store that has a supply of the evil feline.

Of course, my wife contends that any child of hers will never feel this way because they will thoroughly and completely love Hello Kitty — which may have convinced me that Hello Kitty condoms are not such a bad idea after all….

Sent in by Nicole who I would wish terrible punishment upon, but have a feeling that her son will provide much worse than I can ever imagine in his later years as revenge for her doing this to him…

Update: Then there are the Hello Kitty fanatics that drag their kids to Hello Kitty events and bribe them to pose for a photo in Hello Kitty hot air balloons so that they will be mercilessly teased for the rest of their lives all because the Hello Kitty fanatic thinks it it “cute”

Sent in by dodgerfan1976 who will also undoubtedly pay the price when her kid realizes exactly what his mom did to him…

You know, I would think that by now people would realize that I really have no desire to help them spread the cult of Hello Kitty — but of course, that would be greatly underestimating the intellect of those that promote the evil feline. Case in point — this recently ended up in my email box:

Dearest Gatekeeper of HK Hell,

I’ve just started working for HK mag UK, and one of the segments I produce is about the bonkers things people do in the name of Hello Kitty… Needless to say, 90% of images/references/posts all come back to your site. I’m hoping you might be willing to provide me with contact details for key images/pieces/products that you feature…

This by no means would see you endorsing the mag, product or Hello Kitty, but would simply be a way for people to have an alternative avenue to showcase their endeavours. As I’ve just come on-board at the mag, I don’t have an established fan-base to draw upon; your blog is literally the best reference internationally for such things — Alessandra

It seems that now Hello Kitty magazines believe it’s my job to do their work for them because it is obvious to them how much I would actually love spending more time than I already have to with the evil feline. It really is not a good sign in Hello Kitty Hell when people from Hello Kitty magazines are contacting me for help. It’s even worse that they considered HKH the best international reference for things Hello Kitty. I have a feeling it is going to be a long, long week…

It’s that time of the week again to self inflict massive amounts of pain to your brain by looking at the Hello Kitty crap that didn’t make the front page. This email I received sums it up pretty well:

This site freaking proves how deadly and dangerous a place the internets really is. One minute I’m pretending to work while searching guitars on google and everything is great the world is a happy place for me. About 3 clicks and 2 minutes later I’m in “WTF” HelloKittyHell?!!? (The sad part is, I’ve been here like 2 hours looking at hello kitty vibrators and handguns!) — Kelly

Proceed at your own risk:

Hello Kitty Google Chrome Theme
Hello Kitty Sushi Plush (update)
Hello Kitty Snuggie (update)
Hello Kitty Darth Vader Helmet
Hello Kitty Kilt
Hello Kitty Tattoos (photo gallery)
Hello Kitty Scarification (photo gallery)

And just to make the week all the more Hellish, I now have readers whining for Hello Kitty crap from me (which I would obviously already be giving away if the consequences from my wife weren’t so severe)

I was the winner of the Hello Kitty optical mousepad (which I am enjoying, by the way), and I have a sad story. For Christmas, my boyfriend, whom I live with, promised to get me the Build-A-Bear Hello Kitty doll. Instead, he got me nothing. Not a flower. Not a card. Nothin’. Zip. Zilch. He said he “didn’t have time.” This has made me incredibly sad and has RUINED my holiday (especially since I knitted everyone in his WHOLE family personalized scarves, AND got him plenty of Christmas gifts). I feel an injustice has been done to me.

I am aware of you and your lovely wife’s recent return to the US. Welcome back. If you feel obliged to send any of your wife’s extraneous Hello Kitty dolls my way, no matter how small, you would make a Georgia girl’s holiday happy again! I know this request may sound pathetic, but I am feeling despondent and, quite frankly, heartbroken. I wanted a Hello Kitty gift this year, and was severely let down. — Rebecca

Believe me, if you have to rely on someone living in Hello Kitty Hell to rescue you from being despondent because you didn’t get the Hello Kitty crap you wanted for Christmas, you’re going to be despondent for a long, long time…

It’s never a good sign when the first week of the New Year begins with situations like this, and it gets even worse when I take a look at all those posts that didn’t make the front page this week. Flee while you can and leave the links below alone because once you look, there is no erasing what you have seen:

Hello Kitty Weapons (photo gallery)
Hello Kitty Fanatic Significant Other (update)
Hello Kitty Star Wars (photo gallery)
Hello Kitty Snuggie (update)
Hello Kitty Bong (update)
Hello Kitty Room (update)
Hello Kitty Xbox Controller
Hello Kitty Advent Calendar (update)

It’s that time when I list all those updates and posts that didn’t make the front page. If you really want to make 2010 better than 2009, one of the first resolutions that you should make is to stop torturing yourself by looking at all the Hello Kitty crap that exists in the world. That mean leaving this blog right now and doing something massively more productive and beneficial to the world like watching butter melt or grass grow.

And if you happen to be one of those people that are here because you actually like the evil feline, a Hello Kitty detox program would probably be a wonderful New Year’s Resolution for yourself. Just saying…

Hello Kitty Fanatic Significant Other Photo (update)
Hello Kitty Bratz Lady Gaga Dress
Hello Kitty Soldier Cake
Hello Kitty Computer Keyboard (update)
Hello Kitty Mouth Mutant
Hello Kitty Wine (update)
Hello Kitty Eye Mask (update)
Hello Kitty Wii (update)
Hello Kitty Dog Holiday Nightmare
Hello Kitty Xmas Tree (update)
Hello Kitty Fanatic Shame
Hello Kitty Christmas Stocking
Hello Kitty Advent Calendar
Hello Kitty Water Dispenser

Don’t you have some holiday shopping to do? Yeah, it sucks fighting the crowds, but it is immeasurably more pleasant than looking at the links below that didn’t make the front page this past week. So is eating fruit cake — or for that matter, getting whacked upside the head with a fruit cake. What I’m trying to subtly say is that you can basically do anything else that you can imagine — no matter how painful it may be — and you will be much happier than looking at the links below. You’ll also save yourself the inevitable nightmares for the rest of the week. You know, one day I’m hoping that you finally learn…

Hello Kitty Gangster Car (update)
Hello Kitty Hand Grenade (update)
Hello Kitty Throws Up Rainbows
Hello Kitty Snuggie
Hello Kitty Nipple Tassels (update)
Hello Kitty Edible Fruit Bouquet (update)
Hello Kitty Xmas Tree (update)
Hello Kitty Pink Room (update)
Hello Kitty Band Aids (update)
Hello Kitty Pajama Bottoms on Men

I know, I know. It’s like a car wreck. Even though you know that you will thoroughly regret it, you still slow down and take a look. In the same way, you know that you will thoroughly regret looking at all this Hello Kitty stuff that didn’t make the front page:

Hello Kitty POW Ambush Necklace
Hello Kitty LCD TV (update)
Hello Kitty Christmas Wreath
Hello Kitty Blythe Doll
Hello Kitty Judith Leiber $4000 Hobo Bag
Hello Kitty Band Aids (update)
Hello Kitty Nails (update)
Hello Kitty Version Love & Peace = Paradise Mano Erina (video)