I guess it’s sort of appropriate that EVA Air has announced today that they will once again start flying Hello Kitty planes since this is the time of the year when things that you thought were long dead come back to life in order to both haunt you and eat your brain (something that the evil feline seems quite adept at doing). Yes, there will be a Hello Kitty plane once again to torture all those that have the unfortunate curse of actually knowing a fanatic that would think this is a good thing. Supposedly there are going to be 3 different Hello Kitty airplanes (just to increase the pain to the next level) that will be based out of the place that also gives the world the Hello Kitty airport, although Eva Air unveiled only this Hello Kitty plane pattern today:
There really was no doubt left that Hello Kitty would put her name and likeness on anything and everything after she decided that the Hello Kitty vibrator (oh, sorry, I meant “shoulder massager”) was actually an acceptable item for the evil feline to promote. Since Hello Kitty alcohol was also deemed age appropriate for all the fanatics, was it really that much of a stretch to believe that Hello Kitty cigarettes would appear at some point?
I knew this was coming. I secretly prayed that it wouldn’t, but the mere fact that the evil feline exists pretty much proves that there is no God. It has become an annual torture fest beginning with Hello Kitty Halloween pumpkins landing in my email, then eventually a Hello Kitty Halloween costume ending up there as well. Although I had tried to mentally prepare myself for horror that would undoubtedly appear, I had no idea what an utterly frightening mess it would be. Judge for yourself:
It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty puts herself all over typical Halloween themes like Hello Kitty pumpkins and Hello Kitty costumes. It’s a stretch when the evil feline starts appearing on Halloween cupcakes and Halloween cookies. You know that there’s absolutely no boundaries when she shows up on a Halloween car, Halloween finger nails and in a Hello Kitty Halloween obento:
One of the things that I fear most about posting Hello Kitty crap is that it will lead to more Hello Kitty crap in my email. A perfect example is when I posted the Hello Kitty shooting target on Facebook. Christine then offhandedly asked the question, “For those who don’t have access to guns, how about a Hello Kitty dartboard?” Guess what ended up in my mailbox a few days later? Was there any doubt that it was a Hello Kitty dartboard?
I guess I should have expected it. If there are Hello Kitty Halloween cupcakes, was there really any doubt that there would also be Hello Kitty Halloween cookies as well?
All of a sudden, I enthusiastically support barbecues:
It’s not often that I can get behind a Hello Kitty product, but I do have to say that I approve of this. With all the Hello Kitty guns that are out there, it’s about time that they had something worthy to shoot at — namely a Hello Kitty shooting target:
This really shouldn’t be a surprise. When the evil feline is willing to create a Hello Kitty Darth Vader or a Hello Kitty Klingon, it isn’t a stretch to imagine that she would try to invade absolutely every imaginable franchise including Ghostbusters. So while my eyes bleed at the sickly pink and my brain hurts at the abomination of a Hello Kitty Ghostbusters proton pack, I can’t say that I’m really all that surprised. If you’re a fan, be prepared to weep:
When Armageddon arrives, I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly what we’ll all see in the streets:
One would assume that since Hello Kitty has no mouth that she wouldn’t be able to speak, and thus there wouldn’t be any Hello Kitty quotes that my wife could constantly reference. Of course, that would make way too much sense which is definitely not the way the evil feline works. In fact, she has what would appear to be the most ludicrous quotes in the world to anyone other than a HK fanatic. Take for example, my wife’s favorite Hello Kitty quote:
While I do believe that creating a Hello Kitty Halloween pumpkin is the best way to ruin a perfectly good holiday, I guess it’s a great way to scare the hell out of all the kids in the neighborhood and keep them away from your house.
For a cat that claims to bring love and understanding to the world, Hello Kitty sure does have quite a supply of pink weapons. One would assume that a pink Hello Kitty hand grenade would be more than enough for the evil feline to show her heartfelt kindness to all, but apparently she felt that a single variety of hand grenade just wasn’t quite enough to spread that love around. The solution? A gold Hello Kitty hand grenade, of course:
As you all well know, I don’t get Hello Kitty. It isn’t just some parts of it — I don’t get any of it. That being said, there are certain areas that I don’t get a lot more than others. For example, I have absolutely no idea why an cat with no mouth has such an oral fixation. Not just any oral fixation, either. In typical Hello Kitty fashion, the oral fixation is with the most bizarre stuff imaginable. How else can anyone explain the existence of the Hello Kitty tooth, Hello Kitty retainers, Hello Kitty braces and the Hello Kitty grill?
One would imagine that she would have pretty much explored all she could in this area, but once again that would be greatly underestimating the lengths that the evil feline will go to to brand absolutely everything. I mean, what’s a Hello Kitty fanatic to do once they get older and they begin to lose all those blinged out HK teeth? Well, get Hello Kitty dentures of course:
I knew that I would probably regret putting together a photo album of all the different Hello Kitty cars that exist, and it sure didn’t take long for the regret to arrive in my email. No sooner had Sammy Bear on facebook asked the question, “Out of all the cars so far…where is a Prius? just saying” did this a Hello Kitty Prius photo show up (like anyone would doubt that a Hello Kitty Toyota Prius existed…)
I should know by now never to ask my wife for something, no matter how innocent that request may seem, because the request will undoubtedly result in Hello Kitty somehow invading my life (like the Hello Kitty paper shredder). Take, for example, what happened when I temporarily lost my senses and I asked my wife for a paper clip. One would assume that this request for a mundane office supply would hold no danger whatsoever, but that assumption fails to take into account that nothing is safe when it comes to Hello Kitty. So instead of something practical that I could use to hold my papers together, I instead received something that had grotesquely morphed into a Hello Kitty paper clip:
As I have stated before, the Halloween season is the start of a lot of Hello Kitty Hellishness. One would hope that the evil feline would be able to keep the theme somewhat on target with Hello Kitty pumpkins and Hello Kitty costumes with very little deviation into such things as Hello Kitty Halloween cupcakes, Hello Kitty Halloween tattoos and Hello Kitty Halloween nails. Of course, that would be hoping for the impossible as the Hello Kitty Halloween car so perfectly illustrates:
While it’s certainly true that Hello Kitty finds a variety of ways to make my life hell on a daily basis, most of the time I can take it. Then there are the days when the evil feline devastates me.
I have always had a secret celebrity crush on Zooey Deschanel. Since I had never seen a photograph of her wearing the evil feline like so many other celebrities, I’d come to assume that she was one of the sane ones out there.
So you can imagine the devastation I felt when I discovered that not only did Zooey Deschanel have this monstrosity (3rd photo down) of a Hello Kitty sewing machine, she was actually quite proud of it:
While all seasons suck when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, the end of the year is the worst. I know immediately when October arrives because people start sending me stuff like Hello Kitty Halloween costumes and Hello Kitty pumpkins. And that is just the tip of the iceberg of the Hello Kitty Halloween crap that exists out there. To perfectly illustrate this point, I present the exclusive Hello Kitty Build-A-Bear Halloween orange witch:
Antonio Garay is a 6-foot-4, 320-pound NFL defender. Usually I would have nothing bad to say about someone who could undoubtedly do me great physical harm, but Antonio also proudly drives a Hello Kitty smart car: