Hello Kitty Porcelain Figurines

You know that Hello Kitty Hell has gone way beyond reasonable when I keep getting press releases from manufacturers about their new Hello Kitty products. I was never sure exactly what they wanted me to do with them since it was obvious that a site not fond of the evil feline really wouldn’t want to print the false drivel that comes in these press releases.

Then it dawned on me. They must be sending me these press releases so that I can rewrite them to accurately reflect the truth of the situation. Now that is something that I can do:

hello kitty porcelain

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Hello Kitty Fanatic Kid Hell

When it comes to Hello Kitty Hell, the question is who has it the worst. Obviously, everyone and everything that has contact with the Hello Kitty fanatic has to endure their own form of Hello Kitty Hell. While I maintain that it is the significant others of the Hello Kitty fanatic that have it the worst (still doubt?), the dogs and cats of the Hello Kitty fanatic certainly have a valid claim as well. Add the kids of Hello Kitty fanatics to the mix:

hello kitty fanatic kid

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Hello Kitty Nightmare Video

One of the most difficult aspects of living in Hello Kitty Hell is explaining the complete fanaticism of Hello Kitty fanatics to people who have never met one. They simply have no reference, and any sane person would find it unbelievable the lengths that fanatics will go to surround themselves with the evil feline. This video gives a taste of what every Hello Kitty fanatic would like their house to look like (my wife is certainly doing her utmost to equal, if not surpass, it).

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Hello Kitty Bombs In Boxes

There is no doubt that Hello Kitty loves her guns, so there really is no surprise that the evil feline would also eventually find her face on bombs. While these are artwork, you know that this has inspired the employees at Sanrio, and that it’s only a matter of time before she shows her mug on the real thing…

Hello Kitty bomb

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Hello Kitty Tattoo Plush

If there is one thing that the evil feline can’t stand, it’s her image appearing on stuff where she hasn’t been able to fleece the buyer for the majority of their last paycheck. Because of this, Hello Kitty tattoos have always posed a problem for her. The solution for body piercings was simple. The idea of a Hello Kitty tattoo gun never seemed to catch on except in prison. So Hello Kitty has done the only thing she can to capitalize on the Hello Kitty tattoo trend by creating a Hello Kitty tattoo plush:

Hello Kitty tattoo plush

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Hello Kitty Digital Scale

We already have a Hello Kitty scale, but that doesn’t stop my wife from wanting other ones that she comes across. I find the whole idea rather ironic since the last thing that my wife wants to know from the evil feline is what she weighs. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Hello Kitty digital scale actually malfunctions on purpose so that it gives the wrong weight (to keep the Hello Kitty fanatics happy), or maybe it gives the weight in apples (if you know why this reference is significant, you know too much about Hello Kitty) so that it is impossible to tell. No matter what the truth is, it’s just another piece of Hello Kitty junk to add onto the pile in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty digital scale

Sent in by appleworm

Update: It looks like Sanrio is moving closer to that weight in apples theory I had with the Hello Kitty apple digital scale (sent in by martha)

Hello Kitty apple digital scale

Hello Kitty Diamond Sapphire Doll – $150k

A diamond ribbon, over 400 pink sapphires on its body, a citrine nose, black spinel eyes and made of platinum, there is no doubt that my wife will want this. Luckily for me, her business isn’t so good that she can afford the $150,000 it costs…

Hello Kitty jewel figure

Sent in by Susan

Hello Kitty Stained Glass Window

Any normal person would figure that after my wife had decided on the Hello Kitty house made of Hello Kitty bricks with Hello Kitty plants in front surrounded by the Hello Kitty picket fence and Hello Kitty display cases to keep all her Hello Kitty junk that my wife’s dream house had pretty much reached the point where it could no longer be Hello Kittified. Of course, normal never applies when living in Hello Kitty Hell and the Hello Kitty stained glass window proves this point:

Hello Kitty stained glass window

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Hello Kitty Three Apples Art

Even though it is quite clear that Hello Kitty and art don’t mix, that doesn’t stop the evil feline from trying to be a part of the art world. Apparently Sanrio is throwing a Hello Kitty art show called Three Apples at the Royal/T Cafe in the Los Angeles area from Oct 23 to Nov 15 in honor of Hello Kitty turning 35 years old and they have released a sneak peek at what is going to be there:

Hello Kitty Yosuke Ueno art

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Hello Kitty Skin Meter

You knew that it would eventually have to happen. Having already Hello Kittified virtually every real gadget out there, the evil feline has decided that it’s necessary to take the next logical step in her plot to take over the world — invent random gadgets that make no sense at all, but which she knows thousands of loyal Hello Kitty fans will buy because it has been Hello Kitty branded. There is no other explanation that can be rendered for the Hello Kitty skin analyser:

hello-kitty-skin-analyser

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Where To Find Hello Kitty Converse Hightops (and anything else on this blog)

As many of you have noticed, I have not posted in awhile. This was not due to there being a lack of the evil feline goods making their way into my life to increase the Hello Kitty Hell I live in or which to rant about, but because of a bet I made with my wife. She once again (at the unfortunate urging of Hello Kitty fanatics that believe this blog is disrespectful to both my wife and Hello Kitty) decided that this blog should be terminated. Somehow the Hello Kitty fanatics have now decided that the real problem is that I am addicted to and obsessed with Hello Kitty since that is the only way that I could write a blog about Hello Kitty (even if it happens to be negative).

There can be no bigger Hello Kitty Hell than actually trying to reason with a Hello Kitty fanatic since they are inherently void of this capability. Unable to convince my wife that I was not “negatively obsessed” with Hello Kitty, I asked her what I could do to prove that I wasn’t. She said that if I could go a month without doing any work on this blog that she would believe me and that she would no longer bother me about closing the blog down. If, however, I couldn’t last a month without working on the blog, I would have to tell any Hello Kitty fan where to get the items on this blog that they wanted and to turn over the blog to her and her Hello Kitty fanatic friends to do with as they wished.

The deal was struck and everything was going fine until many of the regular readers started to complain that I wasn’t updating this blog (since obviously they would have no idea of the bet and why there were a lack of updates). A few days ago the comments lead me to check the admin area of the blog and find that there were several hundred comments that were waiting in line to be moderated. I began going through these and accepting those that were real and deleting the spam.

One of the comments happened to be on the FAQ area asking a question and without even thinking about it, not only did I accept the comment, I also answered it in the main FAQ post. It didn’t take long for my wife and her Hello Kitty fanatic friends to notice that “I had worked on the site.” I protested saying that the spirit of the bet was that I would not put up new blog posts while my wife insisted that by answering the question, I had been working on the blog. After a lot of discussion and several nights spent on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, we were able to come to an agreement:

I would be allowed to continue to write this blog, but I would have to tell Hello Kitty fanatics where they could get any item they wanted that have been listed on this blog — something that I have been steadfastly against up until this point. Since I already know there is going to be a huge demand to know where to get the Hello Kitty Converse sneakers which Hello Kitty fanatics are always whining about, you can find out all the information you need to know here. For any other items, you can leave a question in the comments and I will answer them there.

While it totally sucks that I have to do this, I felt it was the only option that would allow me to keep blogging without constant fighting (and me ever getting off of the couch and out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag). So Hello Kitty fanatics, you may think you have won a small prize of being able to know where you can find Hello Kitty products courtesy of my wife, but I still plan to win the war…

Hello Kitty Lawnmower

Although I have suspected it for some time, I am now convinced that there is a special unit at Sanrio that makes Hello Kitty items with the sole purpose being to irritate the hell out of the significant others of Hello Kitty fanatics. In fact, it would not surprise me if they have it nicknamed the “Hello Kitty Hell” department and basically start each day with the mantra, “How can we make Mr. HKH’s life even more miserable?” I have come to this conclusion because there is no possible way that something like the Hello Kitty lawnmower would ever come into existence without such a department:

Hello Kitty lawnmower

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Hello Kitty Computer Case Mod

It’s not enough that Hello Kitty comes out with a new Hello Kittified computer every few months and more Hello Kitty computer accessories than is healthy for anyone that can still refer to themselves sane to have, but of course that is not enough for the true Hello Kitty fanatics. They have to go out and Hello Kittify their computer themselves like this Hello Kitty case mod:

Hello Kitty computer case mod

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Hello Kitty Music CD Hello World

It’s never a good sign when I receive emails from numerous readers about something Hello Kitty, but it’s even worse when the publicity department backing the evil feline also feels that sending me a press release is a positive thing to do. Thus was the case of the new Hello Kitty music CD that has been released with cringe inducing song samples to make you feel like you want to vomit for the rest of the day (warning – don’t listen. You’ll never be the same…):

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Hello Kitty Vogue Hommes

Most people, when they hear the concept of men fashion combined with Hello Kitty, have to try hard not to fall into a fit of hysterical laughter at the pure absurdity of it all. That doesn’t dissuade the evil feline and her cohorts at Sanrio from trying to convince the world that Hello Kitty and men belong together. Take this photo for example:

Hello Kitty Vogue Hommes

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Hello Kitty Eye Mask

You have the Hello Kitty face mask, the Hello Kitty Mexican wrestling mask and even the Hello Kitty welding helmet mask to scare the Hello Kitty Hell out of you, but the evil feline doesn’t like to stop when she is on a roll. That is the only conceivable reason that the people at Sanrio would think that the Hello Kitty eye mask could be a good idea:

Hello Kitty night mask

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Hello Kitty Yuko Yamaguchi

Public enemy number one of this blog:

Hello Kitty Yuko Yamaguchi

She gave an interview to Time Magazine. From the evil creator herself (as if there was ever any doubt of their plans):

What will Hello Kitty be doing in 10 years?

In 10 years’ time, everybody around the world will know her. Also, the number of male and female fans will be the same. Men who are still reluctant to be seen with Kitty in public today might be wearing Hello Kitty boxers. But they will eventually stop being shy and will show off Kitty proudly.

One more warning sign that all is not right in the world…