Hello Kitty Musical

When you live in Hello Kitty Hell, a “fun night on the town” is not what any normal person would consider “fun.” Unfortunately, there are a lot of Hello Kitty themed events that I end up getting dragged along to. By far the worst of these are the Hello Kitty musicals:

Hello Kitty Musical

I don’t know if there is an adequate way to describe the excruciating pain that comes with having to attend one of these. Let’s just say that I would rather have a root canal at the dentist with no anesthesia than attend a Hello Kitty musical. In fact, give me a random person on the street with a pair of pliers…it would still be less painful. Think of your worst nightmare and add Hello Kitty singing and dancing to it and you have only scratched the surface of how bad a Hello Kitty musical is. It’s Hello Kitty Hell on steroids…

In fact, here is my advice to you. If you have any enemies in the world, buy them Hello Kitty musical tickets. They will think you have done something nice for them, but they will never be the same when they get out…

For those that doubt me, enjoy the torture (I warned you and I do advise to keep all sharp objects out of reach) of these short audio clips from it:

Feeling As I Do
Guard You With My Life

Thanks to Adora for reminding me I will likely have to attend another one of these in the near future by emailing this Hello Kitty musical info in Hong Kong — she should have to suffer through one of these on a daily basis for the rest of her life…

Hello Kitty Maori

Not being satisfied to take over all mainstream cultures, Hello Kitty is now attempting to take over literally ALL cultures as can be seen in this Hello Kitty Maori creation:

Hello Kitty Maori

I have no doubt that the staff at Sanrio have already sent people deep into the Amazon jungle looking for long lost tribes to convert to the Hello Kitty way. Hello Kitty Hell will soon be a reality for everyone…

Thanks to duncan (via artist Joseph), who should be forced to dress up like Hello Kitty in every culture for emailing this.

Hello Kitty Bowling Shoes

One of the worst things about blogging about Hello Kitty Hell is that as soon as I put something up, I start receiving emails with photos attached for other things that my wife will want associated with whatever was just posted. I’ve already explained that my wife doesn’t bowl, so why would she need Hello Kitty bowling shoes in addition to the useless Hello Kitty bowling balls?

Hello Kitty bowling shoes

Hello Kitty bowling shoes

Hello Kitty bowling shoes

Of course, my wife thinks these are the cutest things in the world and wants to add them to her Hello Kitty Converse high tops and Hello Kitty heels. “OMG!!! Those are the cutest things ever!” (here’s a question for all you Hello Kitty fanatics: how can everything Hello Kitty be the “cutest thing ever” ? – I know, I know, one of those things that doesn’t make sense to anyone except Hello Kitty fanatics because it doesn’t make any sense at all…)

Just another typical hellish day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to hellogina who not only should have to wear these everyday, but also have one of the Hello Kitty bowling balls dropped on her foot for emailing these photos…

Hello Kitty Bowling Ball

I’ve mentioned numerous times before that even though my wife doesn’t play the instrument or the sport, that doesn’t stop her from wanting the Hello Kitty item involved. Her latest lust is for the Hello Kitty bowling ball:

Hello Kitty bowling ball

Of course, with Hello Kitty it isn’t as simple as that. You might assume that one Hello Kitty bowling ball pattern would be enough, but alas that would be underestimating Hello Kitty’s world domination plan. Thus my wife is in her usual choice mode of not which of the bowling balls to get, but how many:

Hello Kitty bowling balls

This is the type of Hello Kitty item that I hate my wife getting. It’s one of those Hello Kitty Hell items that ends up silently mocking me every time I pass it. When they arrive and are displayed, each time I walk past them I will imagine how wonderful it would be to line up all my wife’s breakable Hello Kitty collectibles and heave the ball down the hall at them. And while this pleasant image will last a few seconds, it will ultimately be vanquished with the knowledge I would be spending the rest of my life on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag meaning no matter how strong the urge, I will never be able to fulfill my fantasy. Hello Kitty Hell has a way of doing that…

Thanks to Karen and hkfan, both of whom should have a Hello Kitty bowling ball fall on their toes for emailing these photos…

Hello Kitty Psycho Test

Now before all you Hello Kitty fans (who shouldn’t even be viewing this blog anyway – haven’t you realized this is an anti-Hello Kitty blog yet?) get into a Hello Kitty hissy-fit about the title of this entry, I’m just using the words that Sanrio uses in their own url to post (see, even Sanrio thinks that all of you Hello Kitty fanatics are a bit psycho 😉 – actually double psycho if you look at the url) the Hello Kitty Psycho Psychology Test:

Hello Kitty psychology test

While I have major concerns when people ensure their psychology tests to a make believe feline, it’s simply another example of how Hello Kitty is after world domination. Beyond the money in your pocket book, she wants to control your mind as well (which she if effectively doing to far too many Hello Kitty fanatics). Of course, my wife wanted me to take the test which produced the following results:

It’s virtually impossible for you to care for others. For example you would probably eat and drink next to a friend who is on a diet, or you would share your romance with a friend who just broke up or some other insensitive things like such. Sometimes, you should really stand in other’s shoe and think of them – otherwise, those around you would probably think you are a “self-centered” and evil person.

Wow, that was an abundance of Hello Kitty sweetness calling me a “self-centered evil person” just because I preferred to keep the red cup for myself…Hmmmmmm, maybe Hello Kitty should take some of her own psycho psychological advice. Or maybe this is just the result that Hello Kitty herself creates when you have to look at her in Hello Kitty Hell everyday…

Of course, my wife sees the results as a sign that I don’t have enough Hello Kitty in my life and need more to combat the evil within me “so Hello Kitty’s sweetness can seep into your heart” — now, the thought of that is true Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Hospital

I know it is going to be a Hello Kitty Hellish day when my wife screams with excitement about a new Hello Kitty place she wants to visit. It appears that there is a women’s hospital in Taiwan that has a Hello Kitty room for expectant mothers. It is decorated with pictures of Hello Kitty and Mimmy and who knows what else…

Hello Kitty hospital

I suppose this is their way of making the father go through the same pain and nausea as the mother giving birth, although I suspect that having to stay in a Hello Kitty decorated room waiting for your baby to arrive is actually more painful for the father. It certainly isn’t a positive sign of what the man can expect in future years.

My wife’s interest in this concerns me on a number of levels, but I have these terrible thoughts that we are going to end up going from the Hello Kitty love hotel to this Hello Kitty hospital. The only upside I can see in this whole situation is that it may possibly mean I don’t have to spend so many nights on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, but I’m not sure that even that is worth the price for the obvious future Hello Kitty Hell I will have to endure…

Thanks (I think) to Cindy who should be forced to have all her kids born at this hospital

Hello Kitty Beer

Reader Danny took pity on me and is the first person that decided my Hello Kitty Hell deserved some intoxication to help dull the pain and get me through it. He’s the first person to buy me a beer (click on the title of this post and look to the right if you have no clue what I’m talking about). Despite his generosity and my thankful senses, Hello Kitty Hell would be Hello Kitty Hell if I could simply drink a beer in peace and quiet. It’s a sad fact of life that there isn’t a single cup in our house that isn’t branded with Hello Kitty so my refreshing beverage had to be consumed in a Hello Kitty cup:

Hello Kitty beer reward

There should be a law that if you are a guy drinking beer, the beer can’t be in a Hello Kitty cup. Instead of being able to sit back and sip my beer slowly and with pleasure, Hello Kitty Hell and the Hello Kitty cup dictate that the beer needs to be downed as quickly as possible…each time you bring the cup to your lips, you see your sworn enemy directly before your eyes and you want to dull the pain of the situation as quickly as possible. Thus the Hello Kitty Hell escape paradox – when you believe that you will believe you will be able to escape Hello Kitty Hell even for a few minutes, she ends up being closer to you than you’d ever want her to be…

Hello Kitty Car Exhaust Pipe

It had to happen (I was just praying that it happened after I had already died). My wife finally found and purchased a Hello Kitty exhaust pipe for our car in her attempt to Hello Kittify all our transportation:

Hello Kitty car exhaust pipe

Hello Kitty exhaust pipe

Way too many people have sent me in this photo

Hello Kitty exhaust pipe

(don’t you all have better things to do than to try and make my life more Hello Kitty Hellish?) and for awhile I managed to convince my wife that it was another photoshop job, but as usual, she finally managed to track the real thing down. A typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Update: Unfortunately, it seems the evil feline has decided to expand this line:

Sent in by anonymous

Hello Kitty Saved Update II

Just a quick note to let everyone know that the Hello Kitty porcelain figure which the readers here decided to save arrived safely at Heather’s house (against my better judgment, I actually wrapped her well so she wouldn’t get damaged along the way). Heather promises to do her best to protect her, but does have a video camera fixed on her on the off chance that something goes wrong…

Hello Kitty is saved

Hello Kitty Jason

Somehow this seems like a Hello Kitty alter ego that is probably deep within her, although I still think she is scarier without the mask (although the fact that a Hello Kitty chainsaw really does exist is even scarier):

Hello Kitty Jason

Sent in by duncan (via artist Joseph)

Update: You knew there was no way that the Jason x Hello Kitty theme would ever end with just one item:

Hello Kitty Friday the 13th Jason mask

Sent in by Rob

Hello Kitty Flowers

My wife loves to get flowers, but a dozen roses won’t do. In fact, any bouquet of regular flowers, no matter how beautiful, just doesn’t make the grade. If I ever give her flowers, they have to be Hello Kitty flowers:

Hello Kitty flowers

Hello Kitty flowers

Hello Kitty flowers

Hello Kitty flowers

Hello Kitty flowers

When guests come over and she wants us to have flowers on the table, they have to be Hello Kitty. What’s crazy is that you can go into practically any flower shop in Japan and they will know how to make these bouquets – it’s downright depressing. There really should be some law that grown men aren’t allowed to buy bouquets of Hello Kitty flowers. There is nothing more embarrassing than walking down a crowded street with something like that in your hands, but it is yet another aspect of my Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by numerous readers…

As if these weren’t enough to make you sick, more photos sent in by reader Linda

Hello Kitty Dear Daniel flowers

Hello Kitty flower bouquet

Hello Kitty Hello Mimmy flowers

Hello Kitty carnations

Hello Kitty flowers

Hello Kitty flower bouquets

More photos sent in by tricia

Hello Kitty bouquet

Hello Kitty flower bouquet

Hello Kitty flower frame

Hello Kitty heart flower

Update: It keeps getting worse — not only are these available for purchase, there are now tutorials online on how to make Hello Kitty flowers (what the tutorial really should be named is “How to make sure to lose your significant other in the quickest way possible.”)

how to make a hello kitty flower

Sent in by HK Guy

Hello Kitty Dog Tattoo

There are a lot of things that are just plain wrong with Hello Kitty fanatics. Getting a Hello Kitty tattoo is one of them. Getting a Hello Kitty Star Wars tattoo is even worse. But when Hello Kitty fanatics start tattooing their dog with Hello Kitty, there has been a boundary that has been crossed. Can there be a bigger insult if you are a dog? Having to go around in life with a Hello Kitty tattoo because you owner thought it would be “cute.” That dog must have been teased mercilessly by the other dogs at the park…

Hello Kitty tattoo dog

Hello Kitty dog tattoo

Which leads me to my latest Hello Kitty fear. If a Hello Kitty fanatic would be willing to place a Hello Kitty tattoo on their dog, then obviously my wife would have no problem tattooing me with Hello Kitty. I think I’m going to have to be extra careful from now on when I go out drinking or I may end up with they same exact Hello Kitty Hell that dog must endure…

This was sent in by a number of readers including hellopink, Tim, Hayley and cuterthanu – may all of you have to wear a Hello Kitty tattoo yourself…

Hello Kitty Educational Video

Now that the Hello Kitty ceramic figure has been saved and is on its way to well protected safety, I thought that with my new found affection for Hello Kitty I should do something responsible for all those impressionable kids out there. I therefore spoke with my wife and convinced her to give me a couple of Hello Kitty plush to use as characters to make an educational video. Even better, Hello Kitty is dressed in a school uniform and Dear Daniel is in a graduation gown. The question became, what lesson should I teach to all the impressionable kids out there?

Hello Kitty school plush

I considered this awhile and thought it’s important for kids to understand that fireworks are dangerous. I could have Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel show the dangers of playing with fireworks. If in the process of showing how fireworks can be dangerous, Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel accidentally found themselves trapped in barrage of fireworks and ended up lighting up in amazingly colorful sparks, we would all know that this was a sad event, but they had taught everybody an important point.

Or if I was to teach kids about the dangers of playing near the water by a fast moving river and both Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel accidentally fell into the river and got swept through raging rapids and then over a high waterfall, we would all feel bad, but understand that they had done a great service in teaching us about safety near rivers.

Or if I had a wood chipper and wanted to teach how dangerous it is to be near one of these machines as the machine grinds branches into small chips and Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel accidentally get stuck in one of the branches and go through the chipping machine, we would all feel terrible, but know that they had taught us a very important lesson about the dangers of wood chipping machines.

After considering numerous ways I could teach kids about the dangers in the world with Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel (and smiling the entire time), I realized that I didn’t feel like sleeping on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag for the next month.

I have therefore decided to let the readers of this blog tell me how they would use Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel to teach kids about safety. Of course you should have a video camera to tape the lesson and any accidental events that may happen during it.

If you feel that you can do justice in teaching an important lesson to all the kids about safety using the Hello Kitty and Dear Daniel plush pictured here, please leave a comment on exactly what lesson you would teach and at the end of the week I will choose the best one to send these two plush to…

Hello Kitty Speakers

In the overall scheme of things, Hello Kitty speakers wouldn’t seem to be a top priority to highlight in Hello Kitty Hell, but it is these often mundane Hello Kitty gadgets that typify how terrible Hello Kitty Hell can be.

Hello Kitty speakers

See, when my wife gets something new like these, she has to show how happy she is by using the newest Hello Kitty gadget in her collection. That means listening to the Hello Kitty theme song 24/7 on a pair of lousy speakers that make Hello Kitty’s voice even higher pitched and annoying than regular (yeah, you don’t even want to think about it, trust me). For those of you who have decided that today would be a good day to be tortured, you can listen to this:

Imagine that, then add in the cheap speakers and the song playing 24/7 and you can see how a simple set of Hello Kitty speakers can just about make a grown man go crazy…and I still have at least another couple of days of this Hello Kitty Hell to endure…

Hello Kitty Klingon

One of the most annoying aspects of Hello Kitty (okay, that was a pretty lousy initial sentence since there really aren’t any aspects of Hello Kitty that aren’t annoying) is her inability to stay out of other fan based phenomenons. She has to be a part of anything and everything that has the least bit of pop culture popularity. It is the reason that you see stuff like a Hello Kitty Darth Vader or this little piece that should make any Star Trek fan want to vomit (hey, come on over to my place, I will soon have a Hello Kitty toilet which will be the perfect place for you to do so):

Hello Kitty Klingon

Star Trek Hello Kitty Klingon

Yes, that is a Star Trek Hello Kitty Klingon that showed up at a science fiction convention last year. Makes you want to take out your Star Trek phaser and nuke her, doesn’t it?

My wife has a simpler explanation. “All pop culture wants to embrace the sweetness of Hello Kitty. That is why you see her everywhere. She brings happiness wherever she goes.” Maybe I’ll be using that new toilet myself to get sick in…

Photos copyright by The General at GeneralGeneral.com, used with permission. Costume from the science fiction convention Convergence 2006. You can see more photos at his new site Klingon Hello Kitty.

Hello Kitty Toilet

You knew that it would be impossible for Hello Kitty to stop at Hello Kitty toilet paper and when the Hello Kitty bathtub made it’s presence known, I had that haunting Hello Kitty Hell feeling what was going to be coming next. Of course, my wife thinks we need the Hello Kitty toilet to compliment all the Hello Kitty crap that is already in our bathroom:

Hello Kitty toilet

As a guy, I’m not sure if there is anything more humiliating than going to the toilet, lifting the lid to take a piss and having Hello Kitty staring back at you the entire time. There is just something extremely wrong with that image and yet I see that image becoming a reality in the days to come. Sometimes the worst part of Hello Kitty Hell is already knowing what life is going to be like in the near future…

from yen in the comments…who should be forced to live with a Hello Kitty bathroom for the rest of her life…

Update: You knew that one Hello Kitty toilet would never be enough for Hello Kitty fanatics. Seen at 3 apples by Cindy:

Hello Kitty toilet

and more:

hello kitty toilets

Sent in by shilah

Hello Kitty Saved Update

As you all know, I promised to choose someone to give the Hello Kitty ceramic figure to in order to protect it when you overwhelmingly voted to save her instead of letting me smash her with a hammer. There were a lot of entries that put a lot of thought into how to protect Hello Kitty, but ultimately I decided to go with Heather and her Nerf missile guns (she is being sent out this weekend), because one of the things that I love to see in Hello Kitty Hell is poetic justice:

Hello Kitty is saved

Although I don’t have a Blendtec blender with which to protect Ms Kitty, and I don’t have a tank that I could use in Hello Kitty’s Arsenal of Free Cuteness, I can offer the services of my geek brother and I. You see, my brother is rather famous for his many ingenious ways in which he modifies Nerf guns into semi-automatic dart-firing machines. And honestly, as much as I love tanks, they’re much to hard and rigid to protect Hello Kitty. And as much as I love Blendtec blenders, the blender is much too square, and its blades are much too sharp and shiny. No, Hello Kitty needs to be protected by something from her own universe; something soft, cute, brightly colored, and slightly fuzzy. You know, like a Nerf dart… that’s capable of being fired across a football field.

You might be wondering, how would a Nerf gun compare to the protection power of the glock that someone else offered? Well, I somehow doubt that Hello Kitty’s cute little petite, feminine hands could withstand the shock of firing a glock. But she could easily fire the cute little missiles that come out of a Nerf gun with enough force to give a full sized man a black eye. See? Not only would a Nerf gun provide protection through pain, that pain would come from something as soft, gooshy, and cute as Hello Kitty herself. It’s a little something I like to call Poetic Justice.

So if you grant me the privilege of protecting Hello Kitty, I will do my best to guard her with my family’s entire arsenal of super soft, super cute weaponry. That includes everything from the air-tank powered automatic dart rifle, to the massive customized camel-back missile launcher. I’d even take Hello Kitty out to the next Nerf War, so that she can learn how to defend herself with a Nerf gun her own size. But if she should happen to take a little friendly fire, don’t worry, how much damage could a Nerf missile really do?

Anyway, that’s my pitch from my Nerf soapbox. I say the best justice is poetic justice, and the best way to protect the sweetest, cutest, softest, most feminine kitty in history, is with the softest, foamiest, fastest weapons on the planet: nerf.

Now, I know that Heather will be doing her best to protect Hello Kitty so that no harm comes to her, but I also know that none of us could blame her if while teaching Hello Kitty how to protect herself with the Nerf missile launcher Hello Kitty accidentally gets some string tangled around her neck at the end of the Nerf missile and launches herself the distance of a football field into a brick wall (or some other unthinkable tragedy) since we all know accidents do happen.

I feel good in knowing that I have honored your wishes to save Hello Kitty and to place her in a protective environment…

One Hello Kitty Fanatic Down

A rare glimpse of sunshine to drown out the Hello Kitty Hell pinkness arrived in my email:

I’m going to be honest with you – I found your website by trying to find Hello Kitty items. And I’ll admit that I am (or was?) a Hello Kitty fan. Not really a fanatic, but I did shriek with delight sometimes over anything with that cat on it. Actually, my boyfriend is in Japan right now, so he sent me Hello Kitty items – an alarm clock (it speaks in Japanese, though, and doesn’t sing the Hello Kitty song), some Hello Kitty candy, and Hello Kitty noodles or something weird like that. Now, at the time, I thought this was awesome.

But then I started researching Hello Kitty items, and I’ve come to the conclusion that Hello Kitty is no ordinary cat. Call me crazy, but it has some freakish power of sucking in people with it’s cuteness. For some reason, women are more likely to be sucked in by this. Men seem to be able to resist. Fortunately, I’ve never been one to like pink, so I’ve busied myself with non-pink Hello Kitty items (tough to find, I know). But your website, the one that opened my eyes to Hello Kitty bras and Hello Kitty pads (honestly, wtf?), and that eerie Hello Kitty Darth Vadar, has almost made me disgusted with Hello Kitty.

I’m not a conspiracy theorist, but I do think that Hello Kitty is slowly taking over the world. My boyfriend has claimed that every store in Japan has something Hello Kitty in it, so it’s already claimed them. When will it claim other places? I see it’s already claimed your home.

And to think…I wanted a Hello Kitty toaster. But now, instead of cute, it seems cultish.

And on that note I must thank you. The truth of Hello Kitty is very exposed in your blog. I only hope more people can see it. — Savvy

Of course, the true question is, how many million more to go ???

Hello Kitty Money

You thought that Hello Kitty would stop at religion and sex? Not a chance. It now appears her fans want to make her a part of our financial lives:

Hello Kitty dollar bill

It would not surprise me in the least if Sanrio is waging a massive campaign to try and convince the US government to replace George with the face of Hello Kitty because as my wife commented, “Oh, wouldn’t it be soooo cute if Hello Kitty was on all our money?” Yes, another classic example of the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

From miss kitty who emailed, “One of my closest friends stopped for gas tonight and got that bill back for his change. lol i think our money should read ‘In Hello Kitty We Trust’. I’m sure your wife would agree.” You know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting even worse when fanatics like that are sending me photos…