Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

Since it is the holiday season, Hello Kitty would never be satisfied with reintroducing a new Hello Kitty laptop look and adding a Hello Kitty mouse. She would demand more and of course, NEC would produce it in the form of a Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick:

Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

Hello Kitty mouse memory stick

And because it is Hello Kitty, that 1GB of memory costs $135 (15,750 yen). With the computer likely coming to me as a present, and the mouse as a stocking stuffer, is there really any doubt that this will be hanging on the tree as a very expensive ornament? You know you’re living in Hello Kitty Hell when Halloween isn’t even over and you are already having heart palpitations when thinking about what Christmas is going to be like…

Hello Kitty Swarovski Computer Mouse

Of course, NEC couldn’t simply stop with a new computer look. They had to create more bling to make Hello Kitty fanatics drool with dreamy lust as their significant others looked on in gut-wrenching pain. Thus the introduction of the Hello Kitty Swarovski crystal bead heart shaped mouse:

Hello Kitty mouse

Hello Kitty mouse memory stick

Of course, this Hello Kitty fanatic lust has a price: $110 (12,600 yen) for a computer mouse. Should I be expecting this as a stocking stuffer to go along with the computer? Those are the thoughts that run through the mind when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty NEC Laptop Computer

Not only is one Hello Kitty laptop not enough for the evil feline, one Hello Kitty NEC Hello Kitty laptop with Swarovski crystal beads is not enough. Thus NEC has released a new version of their Lavie G model covered once again is crystallized bling:

Hello Kitty Lavie computer

Hello Kitty laptop computer

Laptop

Since my wife already has the previous model, why would she need this one? (Yes, I know a very stupid question since we have already determined that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t need any reason when it comes to Hello Kitty). At $1,825 (210,000 yen), it’s a bit expensive as just a display item, but that would never stop a Hello Kitty fanatic. She has the perfect solution to the price issue. She thinks that it is time for me to get a new laptop, and she thinks this would be the perfect model (despite the fact that if this was ever given to me, I would never be able to use it since there is too much risk that I would damage it in some way meaning by default it would be hers).

I can already see how this holiday season is shaping up and I don’t think it will be too difficult to anticipate what my Christmas gift is going to be which already has me feeling perpetually queasy. For the number of times that living in Hello Kitty Hell upsets my stomach, I really should be investing in antacid companies…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume

Halloween is not celebrated in Japan, but now my wife wants to dress up in a costume because of this photo sent in:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

While my instincts are to go into yet another rant, maybe it will suffice to say that this is by far the scariest costume that anyone could come up with for Halloween. I have no doubt that little children screamed in terror as she walked down the street (because that is undoubtedly what I would have been doing if I had encountered it live). Maybe Hello Kitty and Halloween fit together a lot more than I have been been giving credit in the past. Either way, I have the distinct feeling that Halloween at Hello Kitty Hell is going to be downright scary now…

Sent in by Penny who should have to wear that thing year round for even thinking that sending me the photo and putting the idea into my wife’s head that a Hello Kitty Halloween costume would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty ATM Bank

Now that it is holiday shopping season (at least to Sanrio which officially launched the Christmas selling season a few days ago in Japan), my wife is drooling at all the new stuff being launched. Another of the many embarrassing things about living in Hello Kitty Hell is that gifts to friends and relatives often come with the evil pink feline on them. I no longer even try to explain — when they shoot me that look of “what the hell is this monstrosity?” I simply give them my “hey, I’m living in Hello Kitty Hell and I have no idea how to explain any of it” look, which, now that I think about it, really should come with a lot more tears and sobbing than it does. I know that I’m going to have to be practicing this look a lot this holiday season as my wife looks at all the things she wants to give as gifts. Her first priority is for my sister’s kids, and she has her eyes set on a Hello Kitty ATM bank:

Hello Kitty ATM bank

Hello Kitty ATM Bank Cash Card

My understanding of a bank is a place to save money, but Hello Kitty obviously can’t promote saving when there is so much of her Hello Kittified merchandise that needs to be bought. Thus, the Hello Kitty ATM bank comes with a “Hello Kitty cash card” so you can take out your money just as easy as you put it in. This seems to be the perfect illustration of how she digs her merchandising claws into Hello Kitty fanatics from the earliest of ages and then never lets go – thus laying the foundation to create the Hello Kitty Hell I live in today for many more unfortunate souls in the future…

Pumpkin Carving

It really does not help my Hello Kitty Hell when people actually take suggestions of my wife such as learning how to carve a Hello Kitty o’ lantern:

Hello Kitty pumpkin

via Movies of Myself (with the hope that it does mold and collapse into a zombie Kitty and we get to see a photo of that)

Hello Kitty pumpkin cat

Sent in by Marla (It seems to me that Kitty isn’t happy being associated with Hello Kitty)

Hello Kitty pumpkin

Hello Kitty pumpkin back

Sent in by someone who asked not to have their name revealed (someone with at least a bit of common sense, although he did make a Hello Kitty pumpkin so we may not be able to give him too much credit) from last year.

All these readers (and anyone else that decides to join them) should have to keep the Hello Kitty pumpkins for the entire year and watch as they decompose into the true character of the evil feline…

Update: I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that after writing this, more Hello Kitty fanatics would send me photos of their Hello Kitty ‘o lanterns as well:

Hello Kitty pumpkin

From Jennifer…

Hello Kitty pumpkin

From Sandra…

Hello Kitty carved pumpkin

From natalie…

Hello Kitty carved pumpkin

From natalie…

Hello Kitty pumpkin

From Nicole…

Hello Kitty Paper Shredder

I have come to the conclusion that one of the most important skill sets when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is to learn how to keep your mouth shut on things you need and buy them yourself. While I have become quite good at this over the years, every once in awhile I slip up with horrifying results. May I introduce you to the Hello Kitty paper shredder:

Hello Kitty paper shredder

It is almost always the office that gets me in trouble with slips of what I need. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would ever get office equipment that has been Hello Kittified? But apparently there are enough Hello Kitty fanatics out there to make it worthwhile to Hello Kittify even the most mundane office supplies.

Thus after making an offhanded comment last week that we really needed to get a paper shredder one of these days, the Hello Kitty paper shredder was waiting for me in my office when I came back from an errand. Of course, my wife was smiling from ear to ear anxiously waiting to see what I thought of it. “Isn’t it the cutest thing ever? Hello Kitty will help protect us from identity thieves.” (I manged to mumble something that satisfied her enough that it kept me out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag)

While there is something wrong with every Hello Kitty item, there is just something downright wrong with having a Hello Kitty paper shredder. Every time I go to shred something, I get this overwhelming fear that the shredder is going to bounce up and catch hold of my hand or a piece of my clothing because you know if it was a movie, it would be the “cute” Hello Kitty shredder that ends up maiming and mutilating everyone.

I had a friend stop by who saw the thing and he just stood there shaking his head. A couple hours later I get a call with him laughing so hard he can’t stop: “Every time I walk by the shredder at work, I think of that thing you have and start laughing. It’s so sad that it’s hilarious…” (with more uncontrollable laughter)

Which I think is a pretty good summary of Hello Kitty Hell now that I think about it…

Hello Kitty Karaoke Machine

While all Hello Kitty products make me cringe, there are some that go beyond the normal Hello Kitty Hell cringe and bring actual physical pain to me when I think about them. My head is throbbing just thinking about the newest gadget my wife wants: the Hello Kitty Karaoke machine:

Hello Kitty karaoke

Listening to the Hello Kitty theme song is enough to make any normal human sick, but accompany that with Hello Kitty fanatics singing the song at the top of their lungs in delight, and you pretty much have the worst torture chamber that one could ever imagine. The fact that they will continue to sing the same Hello Kitty theme song over and over again for eternity without any sign of tiring makes it all the worse.

I have no doubt that the people at Sanrio created this specifically to increase the heat in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Christmas Lights Candy Rocks

One of the things that I have noticed about Hello Kitty is that she takes Holiday specific items and tries to make them generic thus allowing the Hello Kitty fanatic to use the evil feline all year round instead of at only a specific time of the year. It is with this in mind that Sanrio has renamed their Hello Kitty Christmas lights as “Hello Kitty Candy Rocks”

Hello Kitty Christmas Lights

Hello Kitty candy rocks

Hello Kitty Xmas Lights

Hello Kitty light angel

It’s bad enough that they are selling Christmas lights well before Halloween, but even worse that the “candy rocks” theme gives my wife the excuse to use them all year round:

wife: “Look what I bought”

me: “What?” (already knowing that it wasn’t going to be a pretty sight)

wife: “Hello Kitty candy rocks.”

me: “They’re Hello Kitty Christmas lights…” (stating the obvious)

wife: “No, these are candy rocks. They can be used to decorate all different areas of the house. Won’t things look so much better with lights to help brighten the place at night?”

me: “They are Christmas lights. They are meant to be put outside after Thanksgiving.” (hoping that I could avoid them as much as possible)

wife: “Sanrio says they are candy rocks.” (exasperated that I wasn’t getting it)

me: “Who do you believe more, me or Sanrio?” (I knew it was a dumb question as soon as it came out of my mouth…)

So now that she has established that I have no idea what I’m talking about, my wife is trying to decide where’s the best place in the house to display the candy rocks and wondering if she will need more so they can be displayed in each room…just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Convention 2008

You know that Hello Kitty Hell has reached an entirely new level of Hellishness when someone like me is actually invited to a Hello Kitty convention to give a presentation:

I know you and Mrs. HKH are in Japan, but I wanted to let you know that next November, you’re invited to KittyCon 2008. It’s a fan-sponsored and supported convention of Kitty lovers to meet, shop, swap, and learn more about everyone’s (!) favorite feline. I’ve just kicked off the web site, which you can check out at KittyCon2008. I’m writing for a few reasons. First, if you’re in town, I’d actually get a huge laugh if you were interested in doing a seminar about your blog and adventures being a HKH (hello kitty husband?) I’d make sure that you were treated with complete politeness – no one will be mean to you there. I think it’d be cool to meet the man behind the blog! If you guys just wanted to attend, you’d be welcome to that as well. (And if you wanted to be anonymous, cool.) I’m just getting started now with lining up the vendors and seminar leaders and volunteers. The best part (yes, I can feel you cringing) is that the convention will be November 1-2, 2008, which happens to be Hello Kitty’s birthday (Nov 1). Whee! It’ll take place in Raleigh, NC.

This is just so wrong on so many levels that I’m not even sure where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere:

First, they have Hello Kitty conventions. Take a moment and reflect about that. Swarms of Hello Kitty fanatics gathering together to squeal in sugary delight and celebrate the loveliness of all the “cutest things ever” without a hint of sarcasm in their voices. You are excused to run as fast as you can to the toilet so you don’t make a mess anyplace else in your house.

Secondly, I personally cannot think of anything more disturbing than spending the day with a large group of Hello Kitty fanatics. Take out the medieval torture devices because that would be like a relaxing vacation compared to a Hello Kitty convention. Send Jack Bauer to interrogate me because that would be many times less painful. If I had to attend something like this, I would undoubtedly have to be removed in a straitjacket, and the nightmare would be even worse because there is likely a Hello Kitty straitjacket which they would use…

Thirdly, even more disturbing than the thought of spending a day with Hello Kitty fanatics is the thought that there are Hello Kitty fanatics that actually think that it would be a good idea for me to attend a Hello Kitty convention. Somehow, I don’t think that any presentation that I might give would go over too well. I can’t imagine the Hello Kitty fanatics enjoying themselves as I spent the entire time insulting both Hello Kitty and their fanaticism. While there are a lot of terrible ways to have your life end in this world, being attacked and killed by an angry Hello Kitty mob, while it would likely make the news, would be a downright embarrassing demise.

Of course, my wife wants to go. “Wouldn’t that be the most wonderful vacation ever!!”

It is typical Hello Kitty Hell that I already have to worry about 2008 when 2007 hasn’t even ended…

Hello Kitty World of Warcraft

In the never ending quest to be everywhere, Hello Kitty invades places that she should never be. How else can you explain the Hello Kitty World of Warcraft personalised interface:

Hello Kitty wow

For those unfamiliar, World of Warcraft (WoW) is an online game where people going around killing anything and everything. Obviously, there are players that believe that adopting a Hello Kitty theme will give them the added advantage they need to spread destruction and misery throughout the world. Hmmmm, on second thought, maybe it isn’t such a bad fit for Hello Kitty after all…

Sent in by Kate who should have to not only use this theme when she plays the game, but also listen to the Hello Kitty theme song the entire time for thinking that showing this to me could ever be a good idea.

Hello Kitty Space Candy Tattoo

I am not sure why Hello Kitty fanatics feel compelled to send me the Hello Kitty tattoos that they have gotten. It would seem that I would be the last person they would want to send it to. It’s not like I am going to give them a large compliment on it, but then it has already been established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t make a whole of of sense. Thus I have been sent yet another Hello Kitty tattoo:

Hello Kitty Space Tattoo

Putting aside the fact that anyone wanting a Hello Kitty tattoo in itself should probably be a sign that the world is coming to an end (especially for anyone in there is circle of family and friends — feel free to apply for a position writing on this blog if you happen to be part of one of these groups) getting a Hello Kitty in what appears to be a spacesuit with Badtz Maru and My Melody in the background and lots of hearts in candy all-around pretty much sums up the sickly sweetness that inhabits all of Hello Kitty Hell.

Of course, my wife loves it: “I need to get a Hello Kitty tattoo that is just as beautiful as that. It’s full of friendship and happiness.” I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the day that I come home and I find that my wife has gotten a full body Hello Kitty tattoo because there is no doubt that is the direction that Hello Kitty Hell is heading…

Sent in by Gawelle (with work done by Seb) who really should have to get all her future tattoos done with the Hello Kitty tattoo gun as punishment for getting my wife excited about getting a tattoo again…

Hello Kitty Space Heater

This is the time of year when people begin to take out their winter items. If you live in Hello Kitty Hell, that means having to deal with another year of such items like the Hello Kitty USB lap warmer and Hello Kitty USB foot warmers, but unfortunately things don’t stop there. That is because the evil feline can’t begin a new season without placing her mark on a whole new line for Hello Kitty fanatics to drool over. Thus my wife insists that we need to purchase this Hello Kitty flat space heater:

Hello Kitty space heater

Hello Kitty space heater

It’s when my wife start showing me things like this that I wonder if it would just be better to freeze to death…

Hello Kitty Halloween Pumpkin

One of the worst aspects of living in Hello Kitty Hell is that all holidays are completely ruined. It is impossible to enjoy any holiday because it gets Hello Kittified. And just to make sure that everyone not only buys Hello Kitty goods on that particular holiday, Sanrio provides directions on how you can Hello Kittify it yourself with such things as how to make a Hello Kitty pumpkin (note that a pumpkin with Hello Kitty on the front is not a “jack ‘o lantern,” but a “Kitty-o-lantern!”):

Hello Kitty Halloween Pumpkin

My wife took one look at this and sent me to the store to get not one, but several pumpkins in different sizes so she could practice making the perfect Hello Kitty ‘o lanterns. Mind you, Halloween is not celebrated in Japan so this has absolutely no meaning out here (yeah, I know that none of it has any meaning, but this just seems to have less meaning than most – decorating for a holiday that isn’t celebrated)

So now we have 4 Hello Kitty pumpkins sitting on the front step of our house and I can’t even kick the damn things in and blame it on the teenage boys down the street…

Sent in by Tyra who should be forced to eat pumpkin, and only pumpkin, for the rest of her life for thinking that it would be a good idea sharing this with my wife…

Hello Kitty AK-47

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

I guess if there are Hello Kitty guns and Hello Kitty Armoured Personnel Carriers, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that something which is supposed to exude love and friendship would be found on a AK-47:

Hello Kitty AK-47

Again, my wife is totally anti-Hello Kitty gun — “Hello Kitty brings love, she doesn’t kill” — but I think that this is simply showing Hello Kitty’s true colors. While she doesn’t necessarily destroy civilization with bullets and bombs, she does do it with a overwhelming blanket of cuteness that may be much more psychologically damaging to the world. I personally think it should be the weapon of choice for all Hello Kitty Hunters

And as the sales pitch notes, “A perfect gift for the young lady of the house.” What Hello Kitty fanatic wouldn’t want one?

The world should note the hand-crocheted shoulder-stock muffler and the anodized titanium plating. Several choices in stock wood are available. With a limited run of only 500, buy now before they’re gone! An mere $100 extra includes Glambo’s signature wood-burnt into the opposite side of the handguard. A perfect gift for the young lady of the house. A bargain at only $1072.95! ;)

Sent in by Ashley (via Glam Guns) who should shoot every Hello Kitty collection with it that she comes in contact with.

Hello Kitty Glass Slipper

As has been noted on numerous occasions, Hello Kitty has no problem venturing into any area in the pursuit of the all mighty dollar. Hey, if a good fairy tale is out there, Hello Kitty is sure to try and Kittify it. That’s the only explanation that I can find for this Hello Kitty glass slipper:

Hello Kitty glass slipper wedding ring pillow

I’m not sure why this particular product annoys me so much. Yes, it’s useless, but as has already been established, so are all items of the evil feline. I think it’s the combination of nauseating Hello Kitty “cutest thing ever” mentality combined with the unrealistic romantic fairy tale love that simply makes me want to vomit. Just thinking about this combination gives me the dry heaves.

And if that hasn’t made you feel more than a bit queasy, it’s time to go and find an empty bucket or take your laptop to the bathroom. Not only is it a glass slipper, it’s also a wedding ceremony ring pillow bringing that into the equation which should pretty much empty everyone’s stomach (except, of course, for Hello Kitty fanatics who will see this as one of the greatest items ever made). When my wife begins to describe items as “precious” rather than “cute,” that is when I know it’s going to be an extra special Hello Kitty Hellish day…

Hello Kitty Golf Ball Holder

There are a lot of Hello Kitty items that are unfathomably useless such as this and this (Hello Kitty items come in three different categories: useless, completely useless or unfathomably useless). We can now add another one to the unfathomably useless category. Let me introduce you to the Hello Kitty golf ball holder:

Hello Kitty golf ball case

Hello Kitty golf ball case

Hello Kitty golf ball case

Can anyone explain to me why anyone would need a golf ball holder, let alone a Hello Kitty golf ball holder? Let’s think about this logically for a second (my apologies in advance to the Hello Kitty fanatics who I know I’m asking quite a lot from with this request and, yes, I know that I have just broken the Hello Kitty golden rule of logic which states that logic can never apply to Hello Kitty fanatics, but humor me…) It’s a golf ball. It’s been created knowing that someone is going to whack it as hard as possible with a titanium golf club. When this occurs, it has been constructed to suffer no damage. So what exactly is a padded golf ball holder going to protect the golf ball from?

Of course, my wife has a perfectly acceptable explanation for Hello Kitty fanatics: “It’s to give the proper care and love to the Hello Kitty golf balls.” Obviously, even after all these years in Hello Kitty Hell, I still don’t get it…

Hello Kitty Men’s Fashion

It appears that Sanrio has decided to really make my life Hell by introducing a Hello Kitty men’s fashion line that consists of T-shirts, boxers, bags, sports wear and watches.

Hello Kitty men's fashion

I find all the Hello Kitty photos I receive disturbing, but then there are those that I find disturbing on multiple levels.

1. It was emailed to me by someone who has their blog hosted by Sanrio. I realize (although I still have a difficult time understanding why – must be another of those Hello Kitty fanatic things) that there are a number of Hello Kitty fans that frequent this blog, but it appears that Hello Kitty fans now feel that a mention on my blog will drive traffic to their Hello Kitty blog and the people who go will like it. In other words, there are enough Hello Kitty fans that come to this blog that blogs on the official Sanrio site want to be mentioned here which I find quite disturbing.

2. Sanrio believes there is a big enough market out there to begin a male fashion line. I find this extremely disturbing.

3. My wife is going to take one look at this stuff and decide it is exactly what I need and it will start to show up on our doorstep in the next few weeks as “gifts” for me. I find this to be take out the knife and begin slitting my wrists disturbing.

Although I am not a big conspiracy theorist, I’m beginning to get the feeling that Sanrio has set up a special department with the exclusive mandate to try and make my life more Hello Kitty Hellish than it already is…

Hello Kitty Skin Water

It’s bad enough that Sanrio is able to sell Hello Kitty bottled water, but why stop when you have a good thing going? Apparently if bottling water with the evil feline on the front for drinking sells well, then bottling water with Hello Kitty on the front to splash on your skin would be even more successful. Thus, the invention of Hello Kitty skin water:

Hello Kitty skin water

As a guy, if this was just plain old skin water I would be asking “why in the world would anyone need this?” but since Hello Kitty adorns the front of the package, I have no doubt that it is nothing more than another inventive product from the minds of Sanrio to make my life more Hellish.

Of course, my wife insists otherwise. “Hello Kitty skin water is refreshing and makes my skin healthier.” I’m tempted to replace the water that comes in the bottles with plain old tap water, but know that no matter what the results (if I was right and she didn’t notice and I told her what I did or if she noticed right away), I’d end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Hello Kitty Sausages

You may remember me telling you about the pimped out Hello Kitty cell phone that my wife had made and my embarrassing experience in the grocery store with it a couple of months back. My wife was quite distressed to learn that I wasn’t kidding when I said I couldn’t find the Hello Kitty sausages because our local store stopped selling them (yes, there is one sane store manager who was able to stand up to Sanrio in Japan). That means that my wife has been on a crusade to try to find a new place to get them since and, to her joy (and my chagrin) she was able to locate them the other day:

Hello Kitty sausages

I still am not sure why we have to have Hello Kitty on our food (it’s another one of those Hello Kitty fanatic things that no normal person will ever be able to comprehend) and even with the pleasure of getting to chomp my teeth into her and grind her up, it doesn’t make up for the nauseating experience of having to look at her on my plate.

The finding of the Hello Kitty sausages somehow revived talk of only eating Hello Kitty food again (a nightmare scenario that I have been praying would somehow fade away, but always seems to reappear to send chills down my spine). All I know is that if this idea transpires into reality, Hello Kitty Hell will have progressed to new depths that I don’t even want to imagine.