Sometimes I forget that Hello Kitty looks at every event that makes the news as an opportunity to promote herself no matter how utterly distasteful doing so may be. A perfect example of this is the evil feline’s decision to create a Hello Kitty Steve Jobs as a memorial tribute as if anyone (besides the fanatics) could ever view this as something positive. See for yourself:
It’s obvious that Hello Kitty wants anyone and everyone to promote her, even if it’s a D-List TV personality wearing an age inappropriate costume. I could go on and on about what a sad train wreck the Bethenny Frankel Hello Kitty costume is, but a couple of photos will do that so much better:
I guess it’s sort of appropriate that EVA Air has announced today that they will once again start flying Hello Kitty planes since this is the time of the year when things that you thought were long dead come back to life in order to both haunt you and eat your brain (something that the evil feline seems quite adept at doing). Yes, there will be a Hello Kitty plane once again to torture all those that have the unfortunate curse of actually knowing a fanatic that would think this is a good thing. Supposedly there are going to be 3 different Hello Kitty airplanes (just to increase the pain to the next level) that will be based out of the place that also gives the world the Hello Kitty airport, although Eva Air unveiled only this Hello Kitty plane pattern today:
There really was no doubt left that Hello Kitty would put her name and likeness on anything and everything after she decided that the Hello Kitty vibrator (oh, sorry, I meant “shoulder massager”) was actually an acceptable item for the evil feline to promote. Since Hello Kitty alcohol was also deemed age appropriate for all the fanatics, was it really that much of a stretch to believe that Hello Kitty cigarettes would appear at some point?
I knew this was coming. I secretly prayed that it wouldn’t, but the mere fact that the evil feline exists pretty much proves that there is no God. It has become an annual torture fest beginning with Hello Kitty Halloween pumpkins landing in my email, then eventually a Hello Kitty Halloween costume ending up there as well. Although I had tried to mentally prepare myself for horror that would undoubtedly appear, I had no idea what an utterly frightening mess it would be. Judge for yourself:
It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty puts herself all over typical Halloween themes like Hello Kitty pumpkins and Hello Kitty costumes. It’s a stretch when the evil feline starts appearing on Halloween cupcakes and Halloween cookies. You know that there’s absolutely no boundaries when she shows up on a Halloween car, Halloween finger nails and in a Hello Kitty Halloween obento:
One of the things that I fear most about posting Hello Kitty crap is that it will lead to more Hello Kitty crap in my email. A perfect example is when I posted the Hello Kitty shooting target on Facebook. Christine then offhandedly asked the question, “For those who don’t have access to guns, how about a Hello Kitty dartboard?” Guess what ended up in my mailbox a few days later? Was there any doubt that it was a Hello Kitty dartboard?
All of a sudden, I enthusiastically support barbecues:
This really shouldn’t be a surprise. When the evil feline is willing to create a Hello Kitty Darth Vader or a Hello Kitty Klingon, it isn’t a stretch to imagine that she would try to invade absolutely every imaginable franchise including Ghostbusters. So while my eyes bleed at the sickly pink and my brain hurts at the abomination of a Hello Kitty Ghostbusters proton pack, I can’t say that I’m really all that surprised. If you’re a fan, be prepared to weep:
When Armageddon arrives, I have absolutely no doubt that this is exactly what we’ll all see in the streets:
One would assume that since Hello Kitty has no mouth that she wouldn’t be able to speak, and thus there wouldn’t be any Hello Kitty quotes that my wife could constantly reference. Of course, that would make way too much sense which is definitely not the way the evil feline works. In fact, she has what would appear to be the most ludicrous quotes in the world to anyone other than a HK fanatic. Take for example, my wife’s favorite Hello Kitty quote:
While I do believe that creating a Hello Kitty Halloween pumpkin is the best way to ruin a perfectly good holiday, I guess it’s a great way to scare the hell out of all the kids in the neighborhood and keep them away from your house.
Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:
Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.
And onto the original post…
For a cat that claims to bring love and understanding to the world, Hello Kitty sure does have quite a supply of pink weapons. One would assume that a pink Hello Kitty hand grenade would be more than enough for the evil feline to show her heartfelt kindness to all, but apparently she felt that a single variety of hand grenade just wasn’t quite enough to spread that love around. The solution? A gold Hello Kitty hand grenade, of course:
As you all well know, I don’t get Hello Kitty. It isn’t just some parts of it — I don’t get any of it. That being said, there are certain areas that I don’t get a lot more than others. For example, I have absolutely no idea why an cat with no mouth has such an oral fixation. Not just any oral fixation, either. In typical Hello Kitty fashion, the oral fixation is with the most bizarre stuff imaginable. How else can anyone explain the existence of the Hello Kitty tooth, Hello Kitty retainers, Hello Kitty braces and the Hello Kitty grill?
One would imagine that she would have pretty much explored all she could in this area, but once again that would be greatly underestimating the lengths that the evil feline will go to to brand absolutely everything. I mean, what’s a Hello Kitty fanatic to do once they get older and they begin to lose all those blinged out HK teeth? Well, get Hello Kitty dentures of course:
I knew that I would probably regret putting together a photo album of all the different Hello Kitty cars that exist, and it sure didn’t take long for the regret to arrive in my email. No sooner had Sammy Bear on facebook asked the question, “Out of all the cars so far…where is a Prius? just saying” did this a Hello Kitty Prius photo show up (like anyone would doubt that a Hello Kitty Toyota Prius existed…)
I should know by now never to ask my wife for something, no matter how innocent that request may seem, because the request will undoubtedly result in Hello Kitty somehow invading my life (like the Hello Kitty paper shredder). Take, for example, what happened when I temporarily lost my senses and I asked my wife for a paper clip. One would assume that this request for a mundane office supply would hold no danger whatsoever, but that assumption fails to take into account that nothing is safe when it comes to Hello Kitty. So instead of something practical that I could use to hold my papers together, I instead received something that had grotesquely morphed into a Hello Kitty paper clip: