Hello Kitty Hell Emails

Some random Hello Kitty emails that ended up in my mailbox…

Dear Mr. HKH,

I recently came across your blog on CakeWrecks. At first I was shaking my head, thinking what a poor dear you are, putting up with all the Hello Kitty crap your obviously brainwashed wife brings into your life. And then, as I read more and more of your blog, I got to thinking: What if I were to Hello Kitty Hell my boyfriend’s life? Bring in a little bit of disgusting cuteness into his apartment every once in awhile, particularly when he’s upset me for some reason or another. Mention Hello Kitty items I might buy at any given opportunity. Show him pictures of cute Hello Kitty things every day, even occasionally off of HelloKittyHell.

Today I bought my first Hello Kitty item…a matching bra and panty set…which has already been modeled. All day today I wandered around our city (Peterborough, Ontario, Canada) and made a list of the Hello Kitty crap currently available for purchase, and making note of where and when I found them.

Did you ever consider that maybe you just upset your wife one time too many, and that your private HelloKittyHell is just retribution? Because I definitely think it’s the best idea I’ve ever heard of in terms of getting even…

Best of luck in Hello Kitty Hell. My boyfriend will meet you there soon.

This strategy may seem brilliant on the surface, but it would mean you would have to turn into a Hello Kitty fanatic. While I certainly live in a Hello Kitty Hell, at least I’m aware of this fact unlike the fanatics that actually believe that Hello Kitty is great. If you can’t delude yourself, then you are creating the same Hello Kitty Hell for yourself as your boyfriend, which I suppose would be proper punishment for even trying to think up something like this…

Dear Sir,

Every day I think to myself, “At least my view of humanity is so low, it cannot get much lower.” Sadly, I usually am proven wrong by something in the news or in my everyday dealings with people. And sometimes I even wonder what’s the point of soldiering on in such a world. But then I look at your life and your blog and how you must battle the demon Hello Kitty, and I am inspired. If you can deal with that thing in your life day in and out (and love your wife so much that you put up with it), then I can deal with the failings of humanity I run across, which are generally less horrifying than Hello Kitty. For that, I thank you, good sir. Should our paths ever cross, I will buy you enough drinks that you may forget the feline for a brief while.

Sincerely,

James

As long as there is no Hello Kitty alcohol involved in the process, I will certainly take you up on your offer…

God you poor guy. I am worried about my 6 year old nephew he loves hello kitty. Its a freakin cult his father is very against it but his mother thinks its cute and buys him everything HK. Back packs, stuffed toys, lunch boxes, ect. What if he growes up to be a serial killer or a Hello Kitty collector [AAHHHH}. – BACHMAYER

Let’s all hope for the less of the two evils and he only becomes a serial killer…

Love Advice

Maybe I’ll soon get my own love column because of my outstanding, well contemplated and accurate love advice to this email that was recently sent to me:

Ohayo!

Could use your input and suggestions here. I’m living in Japan, and I recently started dating a beautiful young lady. Good times, fun conversation, and blah blah blah.

BUT! Last weekend we decided to visit the local Jusco to look for a book that I wanted. Half way to my goal, I suddenly feel a tug on my arm and hear a quiet “eeeeeh”. When I look over I see the Hello Kitty section of the department store, and her with a rapturous look on her face. This is when I learned about her secret obsession. Pretty sure it took her about 30 minutes to touch every item. Yes, every item. I’d understand if she had an OCD, but it was a little creepy seeing her walking up to the Kitty-chan display and lightly touching every single product.

After going through this ritual, she revisited three displays several items… saying “kawaii” under her breath at each. I finally offered to buy her one item for each book that I bought, just to get her moving. Ended up being two, for the record.

So, knowing that you have some experience with this, what are your thoughts? Is this something that I can deal with? Should I be worried? Scared? Hit the eject button and bail out before this becomes a serious relationship? Any words of wisdom will be seriously considered.

Ja!

– Kowai BF

My simple word of wisdom: Run!

Hello Kitty Wedding Planner

Why, oh why, do people keep sending me emails like this?

dear sir, i need your help regarding information on a hello kitty wedding at first going to hello kitty world and getting married by hello kitty was kinda a joke between me and my finance, but as time has progressed we have decided that it would actually be something fun and special for both of us. I have been trying to find out how to get information from sanrio puroland about weddings but i haven’t found anything. Also, i was wondering how much just the wedding cost to have at the theme park (not including the reception, the wedding dress the tux, the rings ect), and if there are special scheduling that has to be done. can the wedding be in Japanese or is it in English? can you get married by a special character (like request it?, besides hello kitty…)we both love the monkey and the penguin ^^ and it would be awesome to get married by them. I’m sure there are so many questions that i haven’t thought to ask you so if you could just start with those, or give me advice about what i should do to find this information i would greatly appreciate it. thank you so much for your help and your time — ali e

Read more

Hello Kitty Sunday Mail

A few of the emails I have received over the past few weeks:

Hello,

I must say that when I came along and found your site I felt like a happy schoolgirl on a sunny day! I have been happily married to my high school sweetheart for three years. Unknown to me during the time we were dating I was unaware of my wife’s freakish obsession with Hello Kitty. The nightmare began on our wedding night when we were opening our wedding gifts that consistent of a Kitty toaster, handle towels, oven mitts and other monstrosities that I cannot mention without me having to evacuate to the bathroom and throwing up my very expensive t-bone dinner. I have explained to her that I think it might be time for her to get a much more grown up hobby. I threw out the idea that we might have couples golf lessons, gym sessions or something that does not include a feline in the mix. We have frequented the fine jewelry stores browsing for the perfect piece just to end up buying her the Kimore Lee Simmons “Hello Kitty” diamond collection. Should I mention that most of the pieces in that collection are $1000.00 or up and let me tell you my wallet felt it that day.

Reading through this forum I feel a little bit better about myself that I’m not the only Husband here that feels very hostile towards a very imaginary character. I know that every time that I wake up in the morning to eat some jam and toast I proceed to go to the toaster to see a white feline with her devilish eyes and her every sinister smile as if she saying to me “Even after you are gone and no one will remember you I will still bring smiles to grown woman every where.” I then take my burnt toast with a Hello Kitty imprint on it and then proceed to the couch, which is laced with overstuffed Hello Kitty pillows and eat my breakfast in a trance as if to wonder if our lives will ever be free of this pest lie little feline they call Hello Kitty — CB

Only three years? The worst — and yes, it will get much, much worse — is yet to come…

I am both happy and upset to have found your site. One of my kitty obsessed co-workers showed this sight pointing out that it was the most complete collection of hello kitty stuff. To find out that it was a hello kitty hate sight filled my heart with joy.

I work in a rather large gay night club. I’m only one of two heterosexual men working there. I’m known as DJ Blakkat, or at least was. My coworkers started buying me Gothic and punk hello kitty items. No big deal — just a few plush dolls kinda of cute I thought. Well, as time moved on, they shortened my name to DJ Kitty. They started buying me more and more hello kitty things each one more bizarre than the last. Now I live in hello kitty hell. Even my boss has had custom hello kitty lenses ordered for two of my trac-spots!

I must say that it hasn’t been all bad. It has gotten me laid more than the straight guy in a gay bar thing. Also there are many appliances that I could not afford on my budget such as the imported lcd TV that were bought for me, not a dime out of my pocket, all I have to do is live with that damn cat.

I’ll be reading your site regularly. It’s good to know there are others that are forced into having every thing they own covered with that damn cat! Anotherone in HK Hell — DJ Blakkat

If you can even think of saying “I must say that it hasn’t been all bad,” you still have absolutely no idea what Hello Kitty Hell is…

Hi,

Recently my life has become hello kitty hell. My friend talks of nothing else she has t-shirts jewellery key ring, pencil case stationary and the list goes on and is unfortunately expanding. It’s only a matter of time before she has the theme song as her ringtone!!!

In retaliation I have had 2 start a small local hate club against the satanic hello kitty who plans to use her brainwashed followers to take over our world and make this universe EVEN MORE of a hello kitty hell. After founding the HKHK (Hello Kitty Hate Klub) I read your blog and see that u also live in a hello kitty hell,.

Is there any way to save my friend from the hell kitty’s corruption or is she doomed to spend her eternity as part of this demonic cult????

The question you should be asking (and be far more afraid of) is whether you, as her friend, are doomed to live her Hello Kitty Hell as well…

Hello Kitty Hitler

Hmmmmmmm…an email sent to me tonight:

ok, first off, i love your blog. when i first found it i kept reading it until about seven in the morning, i started at nine. i can’t get enough of it and it has awakened me to the hellish nightmare that lives under the white outer coating of that evil cat. i had no idea till now. and the way you write about it is amazing and is probably one of the biggest reasons i come back everyday to read it, yet…

i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of justice there is in the world that would allow someone as hilarious and amazing as you to suffer through this kind of eternal torment. I’ve studied medieval tortures and would gladly volunteer for any of those than live in one day of your life. i thought about it for a long time to understand why you are made to suffer so horrendous a punishment each and everyday of your life, and i think i finally found it. its a two part theory.

1. Hindus’ were right
2. your the reincarnation of Hitler

it sounds crazy but it is the only concept i could think of to explain this phenomenon. a good witty person who hasn’t done anyone any harm living through a torture worse than damnation on a daily basis, and even when he sleeps (hello kitty sleeping bag or ((I’m assuming your wife has them)) hello kitty sheets) the only possible way you could possibly deserve this punishment would be by being the most evil creature in existence, and Satan has his own hell plus was never born, so Hitler! there is no other possible explanation i could possibly come up with. it sucks dude but i think you were Hitler. but remember its just a theory (one that helps justify my need to laugh at your suffering.) say hello to the hell cat for me

~ghost

p.s. the other genius about this idea is that the hello kitty fanatics that read your site won’t help but be able to agree with this and say your Hitler (because they need to justify how you couldn’t like the stupid hell cat) but by doing so also admit that hello kitty is the worst form of punishment and torture imaginable. and if by some chance they decide not to jump on this chance then hey, at least there is someone who has it worse out there than you. either way you win!

I know that I live in Hello Kitty Hell when I’m actually in a good mood and have a smile on my face after being called the reincarnation of Hitler because of the simple fact that the email didn’t come with an image of the evil feline attached…

Update: Of course, this lack of attachments with the evil feline couldn’t last. I log on today with 7 emails from various readers (there are obvioulsly way too many people with too much time on their hands for thinking to even search for something like this and then to email it to me) with the following image attached:

Hello Kitty Hitler

Hello Kitty Hell Mother Nightmare

It’s not only the husband’s that suffer in Hello Kitty Hell, it’s also the kids:

MY MOTHER’S SICK, SAD ADDICTION
Written by: Becky D. (Mary’s 15-year-old daughter)

Being the teenage daughter of a Sanrio obsessed 40-something woman is like being controlled by a 4-year-old girl. Ninety percent of everything my mother buys is either pink, a cat with no mouth or some strangely shaped creature with an unpronounceable name. Every time one of those techno-colored packages arrive at our door, my mother’s shrieks fill the house, followed by, “Isn’t that just the cutest thing?”

Think I’m kidding? The Hawaii incident: Spring break of 2003, my mother, sister, my mother’s fiancee and his daughters all boarded a plane and arrived in Hawaii hours later. We spent the week on a small part of Oahu’s north shore and planned on going to Honolulu later in the week. Every day my mother would remind us how many days until we could visit the Sanrio store. Finally the day arrived and my mom could not have been happier. We drove into town, to the mall and within a matter of seconds, my mother was off and running towards the underground cartoon hell. Her ohhhs and ahhhhs could be heard all the way to the sheets. I cringed when I thought about how long we would be trapped in the wonderland of toasters with cats on them, suitcases big enough for a pair of underwear and vacuums the size of small children. 3 hours and 4 large shopping bags later, we left — much to my delight and my mom’s dismay.

I thought it was just a phase, but nothing with her NOTHING is a phase. Soon all our pencils were replaced with pink pens with animals, all stationery was brightly colored, and I started getting notes at school on every type of Sanrio paper/envelope combination imaginable, “just because.”

One night when all conversation had died down, my mother admitted that she would love to live in an Airstream trailer filled with Hello Kitty memorabilia. The idea still freaks me out.

Until she gets over this sick, sad addiction I’m stuck in a Hello Kitty Hell.

Good-Bye Kitty.

Kids that have more sense than the Hello Kitty fanatic parent…that pretty much sums up the devastation that Hello Kitty can bring to an entire family…

Story sent in by Mary who should have to give her daughter anything she wants for the traumatization that she has caused…

Hello Kitty Sunday Mail

More random mail that has found its way into my email box:

I found this job that I think you should apply for:

Sanrio Digital is interactive new media company which strives to digitally expand on world famous IP’s such as Hello Kitty, My Melody, Badtz Maru,etc and to generate higher value via the development of digital content, new media, community, and the social web. For more information please visit www.sanriodigital.com

Web Content Editor

Jobs & Responsibilities

Responsible for writing and editing articles on website
To manage the web content and web forum and to develop the websites
Controlling the quality of the website content

I think you would do an excellent job at this job — james

hmmmm, I think everyone should go to the site and recommend me for the job considering they are already sending me press releases;)

I just ran into this and thought you may get a kick out of HK’s new friend! — Zalphene

The divorced dolphin, I like it…

Dude, Is Darlene your wife? I’m trying to think of reasons why this lady would be so against your right to free speech in your hatred towards Hello Kitty. I mean hey it’s your blog. She should get her own. Although even if she did yours would still be undeniably more popular. Anyway good luck in hello kitty hell. Maybe i’l get my boyfriend to draw some pictures of the “evil feline” for your fan art to help your days go by. Stay strong. — sarah

No…and it’s not worth the time trying to figure out why. Hello Kitty fanatics simply make no logical sense and trying to figure out why they act the way they do will only drive you nuts…

It was clear to me from the first sighting of a Kitty mall shop long ago that mindless commercialism had come into its own. The convergence of over-population (“consumers”), globalization of crap commerce and cutsie “culture” was first epitomized by this character’s mouthless mug. “Shut up and buy!” taken to its iconic limit.

So it becomes apparent that humanity does not end with a whimper or a bang after all. The final scene is a seething mass of toxic plastics and “Kitty krap” on the Pacific Ocean MUCH larger than Texas. Happily scampering and eternally singing their theme upon this “new continent”… the Kitties. — Questpass

One more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Found Dead, Charred in Los Angeles — many readers

If only it was true…

Hi! So I love your site and at the same time I despise it because it’s filled with the very thing I love and hate, which is Hello Kitty. Unfortunately she was forced in to my life by my grandparents and aunts who did/do nothing but send me everything they could find of Hello Kitty. Trust me, I never wanted Hello Kitty in my life. Whenever I see her face I’m immediately drawn to the object and find myself trying to justify my need for it to my husband. He usually drags me far enough away that I realize what an idiot I was wanting it. I know it’s wrong, but it’s like a reflex every time I see her face. I need help. You don’t know how happy I was to read that you won’t tell anyone where to get the HK items you post!!! I don’t need to know and I really don’t need them anyway so I just want to really Thank You for that!!! Although I was tempted by the sewing machine that turns in to a Transformer…. If, in a moment of weakness, I do decide I need it then I’m sure I could find it myself. Then I’d blame you because I saw it in your site. Sorry, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. I’m sure you understand. — A

And you thought crack addicts were bad…

Hi there, ive just been on your hello kitty hell site, and it really made me laugh, you have a funny way of writing. It seems your getting alot of negativity by some hk fans out there, so i thought id restore the balance some what and say how good and funny your site is! I myself am a 26 year old English girl, and a fully recovered hk addict! Back in my day i was gripped by her to the extreme, its an easy trap to fall into for a lot of girls and women.
When i was 4 i got a hk glow in the dark toy for xmas, which on reflection must have been a bootleg type thing , because it had a massive head! (even by hello kitties standards..) I liked it alot though and still do have a peculiar penchant for things with giant heads, anyway its not till i was around about 18 that i discovered hk through a friend of mine from brighton, which is englands gay capital incidently.

The fever quickly took hold, and i began to get obsessed i did think she was cute, and at that point still fairly underground where i lived anyway, and i like the unsual, now when i go back home even the scummy kids have hk clothes and stuff, and you can buy lots of tacky crap emblazoned with an outline of her head, and the gullible saps just lap it up!

I havent purchased anything with hk on it in a long time now thank god! At the worst financial drain of my hk obsession, i managed to spend at least $500 in just one shop that specialized in sanrio things in Amsterdam, i thought oh i can get stuff we cant get in england..i bought a lot of stationary, writing paper and unusual things,damn what a waste of money that was, of that whole collection i now possess just one hand mirror of hk which i appreciate as its my only item and fairly vintage now. The rest of my collection was stolen, by my ex b/f who decided after we broke up he could probably make some money on the stuff id collected over the years and took the lot to ireland, never to be seen again.. i do kinda miss that first doll, that glowed in the dark when i was 4, for sentimental reasons but the rest of my useless dust collecting collection i dont miss a drop, When you dont have it round you then you dont miss it, you dont need these things, and now im free.

At my most depraved point with hk, i persuaded the same ex b/f to drive me to brighton (gay capital), over 300 miles away just so i could purchase a hk dildo, officially released as a massager! (yeah right). So literally hk has made me orgasm with her vibrating head – i know at this point your probably hurling into a bucket, and horrified beyond belief, maybe just wondering why some random girl is telling you so much about a hk fascination.. well the moral to this disturbing and horrendous story is, i recovered and can fully understand why you live in hello kitty hell, mass merchandise is never a good thing, and even if its wrapped up in a sweet simple cat picture, its still just wrong, alot of its been made in china, probably by impoverished children and i just dont want to be a part of that society. People have long since forgotten how to be grateful for what they have, and to treasure things , they just waste money and dont think and amass a pile of useless plasticy tat that one day will end up in a charity shop because they will die, leaving behind all their useless crap, it may even be that some one so obsessed wants to be buried with their hk crap, in a hk coffin with a hk grave stone-surely there are better ways to spend your time than collecting useless junk, i think you were right when you said that people instead of whinging to you should be more constructive and send out love instead of hate. Besides if you were that much of a bastard you wouldn’t be still married to your wife, in a way i think its kinda sweet that despite your loathing for the kitty, you love your wife enough to be interested in her stuff, enough to make a website about it, i bet secretly you have some hk boxers! haha

anyway thanks for the site it brightned my day, and thanks for rading my ramblings…

sanrio satire from beth x

Sanrio just read this and have already developed a plan to launch Hello Kitty anonymous…

Thought you might appreciate the HELLo my wife just added to our kitchen.
She handed me the printout of the order she placed at target and said thanks for the valentines day present. Just what I needed .. a pink kitchen
So I can now look forward to a morning of hello kitty toast and waffles to go with my hello kitty
coffee, and clean up with our hands free hello kitty soap dispenser … someone please shoot me now. Putting The SIN in SINcerely, — My Hazey Clarity

Typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…welcome to the club…

I’m going to confess to not getting the whole “Hello Kitty” thing myself. Having said that, our large volunteer group is headed by a woman (not my wife or girlfriend) who is putting tons of time into the group while working full-time and studying for her MBA.

Would a $20 “donation for bandwidth” be enough for you to make an exception to “don’t ask where it came from rule” for the USB aquarium? Please trust me when I say I’m embarrassed to be asking.

Additionally, I would also gladly include a 3′ inflatable hammer, a full sized whoopie cushion, and a container of fart putty from our dental prize cabinet for your help. In any case, thanks for your time. Friendly Regards — Howard

For her and the group’s sake, it an’t going to happen – (refer to crack addict comment above…)

Hello Kitty Sunday Mail

I’ve started to get quite a bit of random email recently, so I’ve decided to start a new theme called “Sunday Mail” where I will be posting what I receive during the week for all your reading pleasure:

I love HK (but most of her stuff is ridiculous!!!) and I’m sorry what your wife is putting you through. You’re a strong man! Anyway, I work at a store called Altex where the registers are fully functioning computers. Everyday I come into work I check your website to see what’s new in HKH. It has now become a “tradition” of sorts for the guys I work with (I’m the only female amongst 10 men) to follow me to my register to “see what’s going on in Hell today.” And if they don’t catch me when I first walk in, they stand next to my register until I pull up your website for them so see. I know if they knew I was e-mailing you they’d scream, but we totally love your website!!! -the Altex Crew

Hmmmmm, this is quite disturbing and simply confirms that no matter how much people want to look away from a car wreck as they pass by, it’s impossible to do…

Hello mr. Hello kitty hell! I was just wondering…Do you own any hk items? Not your household items, but I mean YOU bought it.. xD Hello kitty computer mouse, hello kitty strawberrys or even a plushie.. I’m sure all of your readers & such would like to know! – Raine

Why in Hello Kitty Hell would I ever buy crap of the evil feline for myself? Have you even read any of the posts in this blog???

HI! I sent you an e-mail (twice) from my work e-mail :P I usualy send you stuff from this one… anyway, I’m Absinth on your blog. If anything that we sent you are worthy of being mentioned my friend will be astonished… she believes that you will never pay attention to our e-mail… I know Paula is wrong! Wishing the best far away from the HK sleeping bag – Absinth

mentioned…be astonished

First off, I would like to state, that I do not care much for hello kitty, and I absolutely LOVE your blog, it’s hilarious. Anyways, I started to ponder something recently. You hate Hello Kitty, specifically the products of the feline, however, through your hate, haven’t you become an accessory to her fiendish world-take over? Because of Hello Kitty, there is now a comedy themed anti-hello kitty news site that regularly reports on the products of hello kitty “Hello Kitty Hell” So, in a way, you’re an accessory of Hello Kitty, and an object of your hate, and pain. – Jesse

Great, like I really needed another reason to kill myself….

Hi, long time reader of your blog, I too have been living in a Hello Kitty Hell, but my girlfriend has taken things a little too far. I should of known from the beginning that dating a Hello Kitty fanatic would be different, but not consuming every single part of my life. I too have been though all the clothing, the bracelets, rings, wallpaper and just about anything else that you could imagine. Also, saying anything about Hello Kitty is almost always grounds for some sort of punishment, ranging from the traditional kicked out bed for the night, to the i-am-not-talking-to-you-for-a-week. The other day I had gotten into a disagreement about putting Hello Kitty bedding down on our bed and for some strange reason, she didn’t get mad, only brushed me off and didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. However today after I got home from work, I had found the sheer hearted revenge that could only come from a Hello Kitty fanatic. I went to use my new laptop that I often use for work and lo and behold there she was for all her glory, Hello Kitty, super glued onto my computer. I can only say this will be the last major argument we ever have….because now I have to figure out how to get Kitty off my machine…..I’m glad to see that more people are put to suffer at the ever changing hands of Hello Kitty than myself. Thought I might share. – Logan

Hello Kitty Dell computer

Welcome to the club – it only get worse…

hello i just read all the posts under the hello kitty tattoo tag, and i think mine should be on it as well :P mine appeared on bmezine mod blog but people thought i was trying to slander hello kitty and IT’S NOT TRUE i am a 100% hello kitty lover and the vagina face and dickhead came from a traditional japanese book! i love vagina, penis and hello kitty. so put them together and there you go! they are on my inner arms. =D love your blog! – Cici

As hard as it may be to believe, there are some Hello Kitty photos that are even too disturbing for me to post here…

Hello Kitty Fanatic Fiance Doom

He’s doomed…

I too am a fellow sufferer in the depths of hello kitty hell. my fiance is a hello kitty fanatic of the highest caliber. (we are going to honeymoon in Japan, see if you can guess why)

I find myself torn between the love of my fiance and my hatred toward hello kitty. I’m a fan of you blog and it has prepared me for life with my own hello kitty fanatic.

If I had not had your experience to learn from I would have thought nothing of my fiance buying a hello kitty sleeping bag. When faced with my impending doom I became fear drunk and decided I needed to accept hello kitty into my life and preform some large gesture to cement my loyalty.

I agreed to get a hello kitty tattoo. Whats worse is that I’m a Norse Pagan and I agreed to get a tattoo of hello kitty made to look like Odin.(one doesn’t exist so i have to design it myself)

I’m risking retribution from the All Father in order to avoid the hello kitty sleeping bag. I was wondering if what I’m doing is a little too extreme, and if so how can I go back on my agreement without my lawyer having to draw up hello kitty divorce papers.

Help me please – Tony

All I can say is that this blog is only the tip of the iceberg and doesn’t even do Hello Kitty Hell true justice. If he thinks that reading this has prepared him, he’s in even more trouble than he knows. My advice: Feel free to contribute any time you want ;)

Hello Kitty Devoted Boyfriend

Even though I specifically say not to email where to find Hello Kitty items, I still receive emails asking me where to find them. This has lead me to several theories. 1) Hello Kitty fanatics can’t read. 2) Hello Kitty fanatics don’t understand the meaning of the words “I’m not going to tell you.” 3) Hello Kitty fanatics believe that they are more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than every other Hello Kitty fanatic and therefore the rules that apply to normal Hello Kitty fanatics don’t apply to them. So despite me explicitly saying that I will not tell and that they should not email me, they still do. Here is the latest email I received:

I’m going to be forward with you. I realize that you don’t provide the whereabouts of your featured merchandise, but I’m going to try to convince you, in this isolated instance, to reconsider your position. Allow me to explain.

1. I do not know why you feel the need to stand as the unmoving guardian of the fine products you display. Perhaps it is genuine hatred of Hello Kitty and her “fanatics.” However, I think not. The idea that someone would erect, and maintain, a site dedicated to the thing they hate most in life, and that the site would so closely detail and celebrate said thing, is not alone preposterous. It is not uncommon to come across blogs dedicated to the demise of various celebrities, or whatever. However, these sites, unlike your own, do not become so comparable to fan sites as to ACTUALLY ATTRACT REAL FANS of the hated “thing.” In fact, I believe in your Hello Kitty Whiners entry you mention that when someone hates something so much that they wish it would disappear, they are more prone to ignore the “thing” than revel in it. I believe your mentality was “If you don’t like my blog, don’t visit it. Dumbass.” Therefore, I believe the blog allows you a vent for your frustration living in a house surrounded by your hated “thing.” Like so many other bloggers, you are frustrated and feel thwarted. If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.

2. I assume that because you agree to live in a home filled with Hello Kitty paraphernalia you must love your wife very dearly.

3. I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.

These three points bring me to my request: I am in desperate search of the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium your wife acquired. Please tell me where I can find one.

I will understand if you chose not to accommodate my request. However, I ask you to consider yourself in a situation which I believe you may have literally encountered before. I ask you to consider the one piece of your wife’s collection she has never attained. Think of that one piece which she turns over in her mind like a shining gem, anxiously awaiting the day it will be hers. For my girlfriend, that item is the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium.

Since a young age my girlfriend has had two great loves: Hello Kitty and Mermaids. Because your wife is collector, I do not feel that I need to say more. You will understand completely when I tell you that my girlfriend still has the first Hello Kitty Mermaid item she ever saw, a wrinkled old sticker which she stole off of another girl’s binder in the 6th grade.

I ask you to consider the look on your wife’s face as she unwraps your surprise gift to her, and discovers it is the Hello Kitty item of her dreams. Then imagine the look in her eyes when they meet your own. You, the husband who erected “Hello Kitty Hell” and who, presumably, gives her hell daily about her collection, sought out that one item she herself could never find. Then you managed to get one for her. I want to see that look for I too am the boyfriend who constantly nags about the Hello Kitty (and mermaid) shit EVERYWHERE.

Please consider revising your opinion just this once. Tell me where to find the Hello Kitty USB Mermaid Aquarium.

Thank you,
A devoted boyfriend

Here are some of my thoughts on this email:

1. I have extreme reservations whenever I receive an email like this that it is actually from a boyfriend and not the Hello Kitty fanatic herself because, being a guy, this is not the type of letter a guy writes. It is a letter that a Hello Kitty fanatic would write pretending to be a boyfriend:

A) A boyfriend would write: My girlfriend is driving me nuts so tell me where I can get the %#$@**&^!! thing so 1) I don’t have to listen to any more of this Hello Kitty crap. 2) I can get some tonight instead of sleeping on the couch. 3) I don’t have to buy anything Hello Kitty for another year.

B) Only a Hello Kitty fanatic would feel compelled to write: “I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.” Why would a Hello Kitty fanatic boyfriend ever think that? A boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic would know that there was no way that I would even consider that he thought I was evil, that I would only have sympathy for him. The only ones that consider me evil and have ever written that to me are Hello Kitty fanatics, so to stress (or to even mention, for that matter) that the writer doesn’t think that I’m evil would only come from someone who might actually think that I was – a Hello Kitty fanatic.

C) Guys don’t shout in the middle of explanations with capital letters, Hello Kitty fanatics do.

D) Guys don’t have email addresses with words like “green tea” in them.

These are the points that quickly tipped me off that this really wasn’t a boyfriend writing, but a Hello Kitty fanatic attempting to make me believe that she was a boyfriend in hopes this would result in more sympathy from me (see the lengths that Hello Kitty fanatics go to try and find the Hello Kitty crap they want). I’m sure there are many others if I was willing to take the time to read it more thoroughly…

2. Hello Kitty fanatics think that I’m holding some secret knowledge from them of where to get these things. I honestly don’t know. Further more, I could care less where they come from (although I do wish they wouldn’t all end up in our house). Yes, it is true that if I really wanted to find out, I could take the time and make the effort to talk to my wife and find out where to get them. I don’t do this because 1) I have no desire to spend my free time doing this. 2) While Hello Kitty fanatics think that doing so would be a nice favor, I see it as a disservice to all mankind. 3) It would encourage my wife into thinking that I cared about Hello Kitty and as you can already tell, she doesn’t need any encouragement in that department.

3. It is the true irony of Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty fanatics like this blog. It just shows that their fanaticism is so great that even when someone makes fun of the things they want to buy and they should be offended and walk away, they can’t because it is something that they want so much they keep coming back.

4. Only a Hello Kitty fanatic could write this sentence: “If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.” I have no desire to ruin anyone’s day. I’m a pretty positive guy which I think shows in that I’m still alive and haven’t committed suicide living in the Hello Kitty Hell that I do. Anyone who is not a Hello Kitty fanatic would not even comprehend that by not telling someone where they can buy something Hello kitty could ruin that person’s day. When your happiness depends on whether or not you can get a Sanrio character item, then you have moved beyond the comprehension of all normal people.

5. If I am wrong and you are truly the boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic (highly doubtful), I am doing you a huge favor. If you manage to track down this item for your girlfriend, she will expect you to track down every Hello Kitty item that she wants in the future. See, with Hello Kitty fanaticism, it never stops. There is never a last item. Sanrio will never run out of stuff to Hello Kittify because they are willing to Hello Kittify anything and everything. Your girlfriend won’t be disappointed if you can’t give this to her because she never expected that you could find it in the first place since she couldn’t find it herself. By not getting it you will not be beholden to find new Hello Kitty stuff in the future without suffering any consequences for not getting it for her. You’re welcome.