Hello Kitty Devoted Boyfriend


Even though I specifically say not to email where to find Hello Kitty items, I still receive emails asking me where to find them. This has lead me to several theories. 1) Hello Kitty fanatics can’t read. 2) Hello Kitty fanatics don’t understand the meaning of the words “I’m not going to tell you.” 3) Hello Kitty fanatics believe that they are more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than every other Hello Kitty fanatic and therefore the rules that apply to normal Hello Kitty fanatics don’t apply to them. So despite me explicitly saying that I will not tell and that they should not email me, they still do. Here is the latest email I received:

I’m going to be forward with you. I realize that you don’t provide the whereabouts of your featured merchandise, but I’m going to try to convince you, in this isolated instance, to reconsider your position. Allow me to explain.

1. I do not know why you feel the need to stand as the unmoving guardian of the fine products you display. Perhaps it is genuine hatred of Hello Kitty and her “fanatics.” However, I think not. The idea that someone would erect, and maintain, a site dedicated to the thing they hate most in life, and that the site would so closely detail and celebrate said thing, is not alone preposterous. It is not uncommon to come across blogs dedicated to the demise of various celebrities, or whatever. However, these sites, unlike your own, do not become so comparable to fan sites as to ACTUALLY ATTRACT REAL FANS of the hated “thing.” In fact, I believe in your Hello Kitty Whiners entry you mention that when someone hates something so much that they wish it would disappear, they are more prone to ignore the “thing” than revel in it. I believe your mentality was “If you don’t like my blog, don’t visit it. Dumbass.” Therefore, I believe the blog allows you a vent for your frustration living in a house surrounded by your hated “thing.” Like so many other bloggers, you are frustrated and feel thwarted. If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.

2. I assume that because you agree to live in a home filled with Hello Kitty paraphernalia you must love your wife very dearly.

3. I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.

These three points bring me to my request: I am in desperate search of the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium your wife acquired. Please tell me where I can find one.

I will understand if you chose not to accommodate my request. However, I ask you to consider yourself in a situation which I believe you may have literally encountered before. I ask you to consider the one piece of your wife’s collection she has never attained. Think of that one piece which she turns over in her mind like a shining gem, anxiously awaiting the day it will be hers. For my girlfriend, that item is the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium.

Since a young age my girlfriend has had two great loves: Hello Kitty and Mermaids. Because your wife is collector, I do not feel that I need to say more. You will understand completely when I tell you that my girlfriend still has the first Hello Kitty Mermaid item she ever saw, a wrinkled old sticker which she stole off of another girl’s binder in the 6th grade.

I ask you to consider the look on your wife’s face as she unwraps your surprise gift to her, and discovers it is the Hello Kitty item of her dreams. Then imagine the look in her eyes when they meet your own. You, the husband who erected “Hello Kitty Hell” and who, presumably, gives her hell daily about her collection, sought out that one item she herself could never find. Then you managed to get one for her. I want to see that look for I too am the boyfriend who constantly nags about the Hello Kitty (and mermaid) shit EVERYWHERE.

Please consider revising your opinion just this once. Tell me where to find the Hello Kitty USB Mermaid Aquarium.

Thank you,
A devoted boyfriend

Here are some of my thoughts on this email:

1. I have extreme reservations whenever I receive an email like this that it is actually from a boyfriend and not the Hello Kitty fanatic herself because, being a guy, this is not the type of letter a guy writes. It is a letter that a Hello Kitty fanatic would write pretending to be a boyfriend:

A) A boyfriend would write: My girlfriend is driving me nuts so tell me where I can get the %#$@**&^!! thing so 1) I don’t have to listen to any more of this Hello Kitty crap. 2) I can get some tonight instead of sleeping on the couch. 3) I don’t have to buy anything Hello Kitty for another year.

B) Only a Hello Kitty fanatic would feel compelled to write: “I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.” Why would a Hello Kitty fanatic boyfriend ever think that? A boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic would know that there was no way that I would even consider that he thought I was evil, that I would only have sympathy for him. The only ones that consider me evil and have ever written that to me are Hello Kitty fanatics, so to stress (or to even mention, for that matter) that the writer doesn’t think that I’m evil would only come from someone who might actually think that I was – a Hello Kitty fanatic.

C) Guys don’t shout in the middle of explanations with capital letters, Hello Kitty fanatics do.

D) Guys don’t have email addresses with words like “green tea” in them.

These are the points that quickly tipped me off that this really wasn’t a boyfriend writing, but a Hello Kitty fanatic attempting to make me believe that she was a boyfriend in hopes this would result in more sympathy from me (see the lengths that Hello Kitty fanatics go to try and find the Hello Kitty crap they want). I’m sure there are many others if I was willing to take the time to read it more thoroughly…

2. Hello Kitty fanatics think that I’m holding some secret knowledge from them of where to get these things. I honestly don’t know. Further more, I could care less where they come from (although I do wish they wouldn’t all end up in our house). Yes, it is true that if I really wanted to find out, I could take the time and make the effort to talk to my wife and find out where to get them. I don’t do this because 1) I have no desire to spend my free time doing this. 2) While Hello Kitty fanatics think that doing so would be a nice favor, I see it as a disservice to all mankind. 3) It would encourage my wife into thinking that I cared about Hello Kitty and as you can already tell, she doesn’t need any encouragement in that department.

3. It is the true irony of Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty fanatics like this blog. It just shows that their fanaticism is so great that even when someone makes fun of the things they want to buy and they should be offended and walk away, they can’t because it is something that they want so much they keep coming back.

4. Only a Hello Kitty fanatic could write this sentence: “If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.” I have no desire to ruin anyone’s day. I’m a pretty positive guy which I think shows in that I’m still alive and haven’t committed suicide living in the Hello Kitty Hell that I do. Anyone who is not a Hello Kitty fanatic would not even comprehend that by not telling someone where they can buy something Hello kitty could ruin that person’s day. When your happiness depends on whether or not you can get a Sanrio character item, then you have moved beyond the comprehension of all normal people.

5. If I am wrong and you are truly the boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic (highly doubtful), I am doing you a huge favor. If you manage to track down this item for your girlfriend, she will expect you to track down every Hello Kitty item that she wants in the future. See, with Hello Kitty fanaticism, it never stops. There is never a last item. Sanrio will never run out of stuff to Hello Kittify because they are willing to Hello Kittify anything and everything. Your girlfriend won’t be disappointed if you can’t give this to her because she never expected that you could find it in the first place since she couldn’t find it herself. By not getting it you will not be beholden to find new Hello Kitty stuff in the future without suffering any consequences for not getting it for her. You’re welcome.

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29 Responses to Hello Kitty Devoted Boyfriend

  1. thisdaydreamer says:

    I promise you that I will NEVER ask for any Hello Kitty item you feature on your blog. I sadly admit to a Hello Kitty phase – when I was seven and clueless.

    If, for some bizarre reason, I ever ask you for help in finding a Hello Kitty item, please, for the love of humanity, SEND HELP!!!!!

    And thank you for the laughs.

  2. TeratoMarty says:

    It strikes me that your wife’s eBay site is easy enough to find. All the HK fanatics should just e-mail her and ask her whether she sells whatever gilded doodad they’re looking for. That way, she will earn some cash (which you should expropriate for utilities or rent), the house will be cleared of at least one HK item, and the fanatic will be satisfied (temporarily).

    Google is good, too.

    For that matter, Sanrio is a big, honkin’ web presence. Surely the fanatics could just go straight to the satanic temple of Kitty Hell and make their pleas. But then, this is what we call “sense,” which is not made in Hello Kitty Hell.

  3. TeratoMarty says:

    Dear god, man, I’ve found your problem! Fifth on the Google list, this site: http://www.thisnext.com/item/F322A247/Hello-Kitty-USB-Fish-Tank , says that people should shop for the HK aquarium at Kittyhell.com! I urge you to issue them a cease-and-desist at once.

  4. Pencilposer says:

    Oh my god, he isn’t kidding, It gives the link to your blog on the usb fish tank. As much as I want to laugh at that simple fact, I just can’t.

  5. yet another anonymous says:

    If the e-mail is from a disguised HK fanatic, she/he is a real fanatic.
    This brings the Hell Kitty Hell to new heights. (new lows?)

    Am I naive to think that he is a genuine boyfriend of HK fanatic?
    Probably.

  6. TeratoMarty (above) is right- this website is listed as a Hello Kitty dealer at the link he posted!

    There was a girl on the el train over the weekend wearing all these peace and anti-capitalism buttons. She was lecturing her friends about “buying into” the Kanye West and 50 Cent feud which was “just a trick to make you buy both cd’s”.

    There in the center of her buttons, was HELLO KITTY!

    Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction, check your premises. You will find that one of them is wrong.
    Ayn Rand

  7. Mister John Doe says:

    HAHAHAHAH :D

    at first i really think that it was written by a Male, asking for help to find the HK item for his gf.
    But after reading pages of his letter….i got a strange feeling…but i can’t tell what is it….just something unusual!

    Hahaha~
    I think Your doubtful point is correct Mr.HKhell!!! #goodjob#

    HE is A SHE !!!!!!

    or….

    He just loves Hello kitty………………………..
    may be another guys that enjoying jerking HK, who u mentioned before..

  8. Helenaa x says:

    JUST TELL THE MAN/WOMAN WHERE TO GET THE GOD DAMN FISH TANK =O

  9. TeratoMarty says:

    BTW, this may be the first documented instance of a woman pretending to be a man on the internet rather than the other way around.

  10. roxy says:

    HAHAHAHAH no doubt it’s written by a man. thanks for sharing the laughs!

  11. Stef says:

    You can’t fool me. You post a photo of a Hello Kitty item almost every day. You aren’t really a Hello Kitty hater. You are, at best, *ambivalent* about Hello Kitty. You may hate her consciously, but secretly you are fond enough of that insipid mouthless beribboned visage to deliberately increase your opportunities to gaze upon her.

  12. Sebs says:

    if that letter was ever written by a boyfriend it would have read like this.

    Dude help me my girl saw that fishtank thing and wants one and i dont want to spend the time to find it because (man reason here) and frankly id rather buy her hooker boots but if i find this for her i think i could get her to do (something naughty) whilst wearing the boots. so help a bro out. thanks for the time.

    the letter wouldnt go longer than that. now if you could do me the favor and remove the link to the sanrio credit card page that would be grand. because my Fiance found it and now thanks to you and her i now have the card. Its burried in my wallet but i hate having my name on a HK card i am just waiting to use it in a strip club so they can steal the number and i can cancel the card.

    till then i feel your pain.

  13. hahaha says:

    Watching girlfriend who love Hello Kitty destroy Hello Kitty credit card with her bare hands when you use it at a strip club and get some action from the strippers because of how cute it is: priceless

  14. Kitteh!! says:

    TeratoMarty, thanks for the LOL moment which I suspect that even I Can Have Cheezburger will have difficulty in topping today!

  15. Kyle says:

    http://www.thisnext.com/item/F322A247/Hello-Kitty-USB-Fish-Tank

    I can’t believe they link to your site to buy that!! That’s fantastic! I hope this encourages the Hello Kitty enthusiasts (not fanatics, they’re lost) to see the burning red light of Hello Kitty Hell, realize they’ve been led down a path of unholy iconic commercialism and make them promise to never ever buy anything Hello Kitty again. And maybe go a round through the spank machine for the fun of it.

  16. glory says:

    Ha! Reading the letter, I immediately assumed it was from a female until “he” identified himself as male later. Definitely a female. What a fruit loop!

    I admit, I like HK, but I am *not* a fanatic. I’ve definitely re-thought things since running into your site. Mostly, I get the heebie-jeebies reading the crap that the real fanatics say.

    Keep fighting the fight! :)

  17. Alfred says:

    “green tea”

    LOL

  18. Jesper says:

    These three points bring me to my request: I am in desperate search of the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium your wife acquired. Please tell me where I can find one.

    LMAO

  19. manda says:

    hahahaha! i really liked this entry!!!

  20. Rat says:

    Seriously dude, you seem way too screwed in the head for me, or any of the people I hang around. The irony is, this letter could be you! How do we know you are not your wife, loving Hello Kitty and hating it officially just to get some high numbers on your blog ?

    Screwed, thats what it is..

  21. luvshellokitty says:

    i think it’s the boyfriend of a hello kitty who he himself is a hello kitty fanatic as well. Maybe he’s been brainwashed? ;-)

  22. Jean says:

    hahaha :) lol. I just had to comment on this…my friend supposedly a MALE who likes FEMALES goes by the nickname “Green Tea” sometimes we call him green tea bag, he loves the colour green and I can very well picture him writing a letter like this. all sorts of ‘males’ exist :P but no, that letter isnt from him.

  23. Wendyscat says:

    There are all sorts of males; there are all sorts of females, there are even all sorts of HK enthusiasts/likers (but a rather more limited no of ‘fans’), but – I reckon it’s a fan in disguise. The devoted boyfriend if he really wanted to buy the item would have found a simpler way of tracking it down.

    To write to Mr HKH seems like a ploy to say where ALL the stuff comes from without bothering to think too hard about it.
    ‘Watching girlfriend who love Hello Kitty destroy Hello Kitty credit card with her bare hands when you use it at a strip club and get some action from the strippers because of how cute it is: priceless’ – Interesting, but less disturbing then the appropriation of the Playboy bunny on goods aimed at women!

  24. Sarah says:

    What HK douchey fanatical freak can’t Google the item and find it listed? I just Googled it and the first link has it for sale. Christ almighty.

  25. cenovis says:

    Admittedly, I did know what a HK USB fish tank was, but when I clicked on your link I have to admit I exclaimed an audible AWWWWWWWWWWWWWW. This is a very cute item, but I can’t stand useless decorative crap.

  26. chaos says:

    Yeah!!!!!!!!! u ROCK, MR.HKH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I like and hate Hello Kitty at the same time. I hate being girly, and HATE pink… so I by non pink kitty stuff. But she’s so evil, u gotta like her 4 that. :p BIRD FACE!!! :> ha ha.

  27. sexyretard says:

    why the hell a freaking aquarium cats hate the water!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. jessica green says:

    what the hell is that about ?????

  29. jessica green says:

    i like hello kitty any way but i am a realy bad tomboy realy my faverit colour is blue,black,and sometimes green

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