The Hello Kitty McDonald’s McArch

Well, let’s certainly hope that this isn’t a trend that catches on and spreads to other countries. Apparently the evil feline decided to sleep with Ronald McDonald and the result was the ugliest thing you can imagine. Yes, it appears that their night of romance (apparently Kitty chan forgot to tell Ronald to use her branded condoms — or more likely, she did and they simply failed to work) produced the Hello Kitty McArch:

Hello Kitty McArch

McDonalds sign with Hello Kitty bow

I see that this as further proof that the end is near, and when it comes, it’s not going to be pretty…

Sent in by McD lover

Safe

Once again, there is no doubt that the evil feline knows her market. She goes out and produces mass amounts of junk, but somehow convinces the fanatics that the junk is actually valuable. And what are these fanatics to do when they have all this junk that they have been brainwashed into thinking is something that other people will covet? Sell them even more junk in the form of a Hello Kitty safe:

Hello Kitty safe

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Mother’s Day Flowers

Most of us love our mothers and enjoy showing them true appreciation on Mother’s day each year. Not the people at Sanrio. With Mother’s Day just around the corner, the evil feline has decided that she would like to guarantee that it’s the worst possible day ever for all mothers by encouraging gifts of Hello Kitty plants and flowers.

hello kitty Mother's Day flowers

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Hello Kitty Paper Clips

I should know by now never to ask my wife for something, no matter how innocent that request may seem, because the request will undoubtedly result in Hello Kitty somehow invading my life (like the Hello Kitty paper shredder). Take, for example, what happened when I temporarily lost my senses and I asked my wife for a paper clip. One would assume that this request for a mundane office supply would hold no danger whatsoever, but that assumption fails to take into account that nothing is safe when it comes to Hello Kitty. So instead of something practical that I could use to hold my papers together, I instead received something that had grotesquely morphed into a Hello Kitty paper clip:

kawaii Hello Kitty paper clip office supply

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Hello Kitty Office Cubicle

You either had to have done something amazingly horrible in a past life or pissed off your co-workers to no end to deserve to have something like this done to your office cubicle. Either way, it is a good sign that it’s time to find a new job. I think this might even qualify as torture under the Geneva convention.

hello kitty cubicle

Sent in by Jose who says, “So a couple of years ago, one of my co-workers brought his lunch that his fiancee had packed in a hello kitty bag because they ran out of regular ones. We (of course) proceeded to mock him mercilessly for a few weeks about it. When he finally got married and went on his honeymoon, this is what we did to his cubicle. It took 5 of us a few hours to do it, and probably even used some pictures from your site.”

Hello Kitty Wonderful World Graphic

If you really had any doubt (and if you have been to this blog, that certainly is not the case) about how prevalent the evil feline is in the world, this Hello Kitty “Wonderful World of Hello Kitty” graphic should thoroughly depress you for the next few years (click on image to enlarge at your own risk):

Hello Kitty graphic

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Hello Kitty Store Verona Italy

One thing that you learn quickly when you live with a Hello Kitty fanatic is that you are never safe from the evil feline when traveling. That’s because no matter where in the world you might be, there is a good chance that a Hello Kitty store exists — and the one universal truth for those living in Hello Kitty Hell is that if there is a Hello Kitty store to be found, the Hello Kitty fanatic will find it. Take these photos and story as a classic example:

Hello Kitty shop

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Hello Kitty Box Cutter

I have no doubt that Hello Kitty will be the death of me. One day the sweetness will become so overwhelming that I will find myself trying to get it out of my system by slicing my wrists. Apparently the evil feline wants to give me a choice when this time comes: I can go for the Hello Kitty knife or I can choose the Hello Kitty box cutter:

Hello Kitty boxcutter

Hello Kitty boxcutter

Sent in by Helen

Hello Kitty History Video

Hello Kitty, as has been well established, is disturbing just being herself. It gets more disturbing when people feel it necessary to write books about her. Then it gets even worse when people get a huge crowd to listen to a lecture about a book about Hello Kitty. Basically, it’s everything that you never wanted to know about the evil feline — don’t bother watching because it’s 30 minutes of your life you can never get back:

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Hello Kitty Netbook

I should have learned by now that it’s never a good idea to make a random comment about something I want since I live in Hello Kitty Hell. I have been doing more traveling lately which has had me thinking that I really need to buy a netbook so I don’t have to haul around my clunky laptop where ever I go. I mentioned this to my wife who took it upon herself to research and inform me of the Hello Kitty netbooks out there that would be perfect for me and which she wants to buy for me as a gift:

hello kitty netbook

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Hello Kitty Politics Credit Card

While it’s never good when Hello Kitty shows up on TV, it is double troubling when she shows up in a political debate on TV. When your political leaders feel it’s necessary to use Hello Kitty to make any point, you know it’s pretty much time to give up on the world ever being a hospitable place for any normal living being to dwell:

hello-kitty-politics

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Hello Kitty Desk

You really don’t know Hello Kitty Hell until a true Hello Kitty fanatic is in your presence on a daily basis. Imagine, for instance, that you had a co-worker that was a Hello Kitty fanatic. You might be saying to yourself, “oh, I know someone that likes the evil feline” but they really aren’t a Hello Kitty fanatic unless they have decorated their desk like this:

Hello Kitty desk

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Hello Kitty Gold Pocket Calendar

Well, you can’t say that Sanrio doesn’t beat themes to death when they know that Hello kitty fanatics will line up to buy the most useless things. With Hello Kitty fanatics already purchasing the Hello Kitty gold business card, the Hello Kitty gold personal business card and even a set of Hello Kitty gold playing cards, how is a Hello Kitty fanatic to resist the Hello Kitty gold pocket calendar?

Hello Kitty gold calendar

Hello Kitty gold pocket calendar

Hello Kitty gold wallet calendar

The pocket calendar card is covered with 0.6 grams of 99.99% gold – who else but Hello Kitty would charge $57 (6,300 yen) for you to find out the date? Of course, you probably already know why this scares the hell out of me. With Sanrio’s current quest to cover everything you put into your purse with 99.99% gold, it shouldn’t be long before they apply this to the Hello Kitty condom and make a special set of them as well – and that really would be Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Paper Shredder

I have come to the conclusion that one of the most important skill sets when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is to learn how to keep your mouth shut on things you need and buy them yourself. While I have become quite good at this over the years, every once in awhile I slip up with horrifying results. May I introduce you to the Hello Kitty paper shredder:

Hello Kitty paper shredder

It is almost always the office that gets me in trouble with slips of what I need. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would ever get office equipment that has been Hello Kittified? But apparently there are enough Hello Kitty fanatics out there to make it worthwhile to Hello Kittify even the most mundane office supplies.

Thus after making an offhanded comment last week that we really needed to get a paper shredder one of these days, the Hello Kitty paper shredder was waiting for me in my office when I came back from an errand. Of course, my wife was smiling from ear to ear anxiously waiting to see what I thought of it. “Isn’t it the cutest thing ever? Hello Kitty will help protect us from identity thieves.” (I manged to mumble something that satisfied her enough that it kept me out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag)

While there is something wrong with every Hello Kitty item, there is just something downright wrong with having a Hello Kitty paper shredder. Every time I go to shred something, I get this overwhelming fear that the shredder is going to bounce up and catch hold of my hand or a piece of my clothing because you know if it was a movie, it would be the “cute” Hello Kitty shredder that ends up maiming and mutilating everyone.

I had a friend stop by who saw the thing and he just stood there shaking his head. A couple hours later I get a call with him laughing so hard he can’t stop: “Every time I walk by the shredder at work, I think of that thing you have and start laughing. It’s so sad that it’s hilarious…” (with more uncontrollable laughter)

Which I think is a pretty good summary of Hello Kitty Hell now that I think about it…

Hello Kitty Gold Business Card Personalized

You knew that Sanrio wouldn’t stop at one – it’s not in their character to fail to beat something to complete death when there are Hello Kitty fanatics ready to pay out big dollars for useless crap. To help celebrate the 33rd anniversary of Hello Kitty (like they really need an excuse to launch this stuff – they might as well declare everyday Hello kitty day and use that as an excuse), they have revived the pure gold business card, but now will personalize it with your name and address for the small sum of $110 (12,600 Yen)

Hello Kitty gold business card

To make matters worse, they have decided to release two different patterns of the card and then give fanatics the choice of English or Japanese lettering for their name making 4 different options for the Hello kitty fanatic to choose from. Since we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t make choices, but get one of everything, the result is over $400 for 4 gold business cards.

For the vast majority of us, we take one look at this business card and know it is completely useless. We think that Sanrio has finally lost their marbles and there is no way that this could possibly be a success (then again, that is exactly what we thought about the Hello Kitty business card). Of course, this common sense has no effect on the Hello Kitty fanatic. “It makes a perfect matching pair with the Hello Kitty business card. My business card right next to Hello Kitty’s business card. It shows how close we are to each other.”

You know that you are living in Hello Kitty Hell when your wife can explain with a straight face the reasons that getting a $110 gold Hello Kitty business card makes perfect sense…

Hello Kitty Slinky

When I first saw this, I thought I might have some fun making it go down long flights of stairs until it eventually showed the wear and tear of countless missteps along the way. No such luck because it isn’t a Hello Kitty slinky:

Hello Kitty slinky

but a Hello Kitty letter holder. So instead of getting to rough Hello Kitty up, I have to see her each day as my wife has decided to place all my mail into it when it comes. Just like Hello Kitty Hell to give me a glimmer of hope that I could actually abuse Hello Kitty, and then have the hope quickly taken away…