If there was ever a doubt (which there certainly shouldn’t exist at this point) that the evil feline was willing to do absolutely anything to earn a buck (do we really need to revisit the whole Hello Kitty vibrator incident?), we now have an additional piece of evidence: The Hello Kitty Chia Pet — seriously, you can’t make this crap up…
One of the most disturbing aspects of living in Hello Kitty Hell is that it becomes painfully obvious that the people at Sanrio truly believe that if they simply put a bow on anything, this makes that thing cute. That, and the overwhelming fact that they simply can’t leave bad ideas alone, but feel it necessary to double down on them. By doing so, they make what any rational person would believe were the worst possible creations somehow even more disturbing.
So it really should not come as a surprise that at a recent Hello Kitty exhibit that a Hello Kitty toilet would be featured. Of course, the evil feline couldn’t simply leave it at that. Instead, she decided that since there seemed to be so much interest in Hello kitty poo (including in toothpaste form) that it would be cute to leave some with a bow on it in the Hello Kitty toilet (seriously, you can’t make these things up)
Most of us love our mothers and enjoy showing them true appreciation on Mother’s day each year. Not the people at Sanrio. With Mother’s Day just around the corner, the evil feline has decided that she would like to guarantee that it’s the worst possible day ever for all mothers by encouraging gifts of Hello Kitty plants and flowers.
There are plenty of hints that you are headed for a life of Hello Kitty Hell from which there will be absolutely no escape. At the top of the list is if you’re ever asked to wear these or these. That is quickly followed by basically anything that is evil feline related which also has to do with the bedroom. Your girlfriend suggesting that a custom-made Hello Kitty headboard would be a good idea is a perfect example:
As if there was really a need to have one more reason to want this season to end as quickly as possible (see Hello Kitty Christmas trees and Hello Kitty ornaments if you had any doubts), this should quickly put the question to rest: a Hello Kitty Christmas music video that is guaranteed to haunt you long after the new year begins (you have been warned)
What is worse than a Hello Kitty car? A Hello Kitty car where you are more horrifically distressed inside it than those are on the outside looking at the paint job (and believe me, the people on the outside are trembling with fear). This is why you never let a Hello Kitty fanatic decorate the interior of a car:
I knew that once the Hello Kitty Christmas tree showed up in my email before December even began that things weren’t going to go well this holiday season. This feeling was confirmed when someone, for some unfathomable reason, thought it would be a good idea to send me a photo of Hello Kitty Christmas ornaments:
It is already well established that Hello Kitty wants us to all eventually live in a Hello Kitty house, and she is (unfortunately) making sure that the house has absolutely every accessory that one could imagine — a Hello Kitty home bar, Hello Kitty wall displays and far too many Hello Kitty appliances to mention. Add to these the Hello Kitty chandelier:
You either had to have done something amazingly horrible in a past life or pissed off your co-workers to no end to deserve to have something like this done to your office cubicle. Either way, it is a good sign that it’s time to find a new job. I think this might even qualify as torture under the Geneva convention.
Sent in by Jose who says, “So a couple of years ago, one of my co-workers brought his lunch that his fiancee had packed in a hello kitty bag because they ran out of regular ones. We (of course) proceeded to mock him mercilessly for a few weeks about it. When he finally got married and went on his honeymoon, this is what we did to his cubicle. It took 5 of us a few hours to do it, and probably even used some pictures from your site.”
There really isn’t any doubt that the evil feline loves her sex. She can pretend all she wants that it is a shoulder massager, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that two kitties are much more likely to meet. Simply knowing that Hello Kitty latex beds, Hello Kitty S&M floggers, Hello Kitty pasties, Hello Kitty handcuff nightmares and the Hello Kitty love hotel all exist, it shouldn’t be a shock that a Hello Kitty bandage sofa exists:
You know that Hello Kitty Hell has gone way beyond reasonable when I keep getting press releases from manufacturers about their new Hello Kitty products. I was never sure exactly what they wanted me to do with them since it was obvious that a site not fond of the evil feline really wouldn’t want to print the false drivel that comes in these press releases.
Then it dawned on me. They must be sending me these press releases so that I can rewrite them to accurately reflect the truth of the situation. Now that is something that I can do:
One would assume that after the Hello Kitty latex bed there would have been enough Hello Kitty kink for the week, but then that would be greatly underestimating how much Hello Kitty loves her sex. This was made readily apparent when I found out that the Hello Kitty S&M love hotel existing was not enough, and someone felt it essential to build another Hello Kitty bondage room:
Have you ever wondered why Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth? Let me tell you, it has nothing to do with her “only needing to speak from her heart.” It’s because when she has a mouth, you see her as the true mutant that she actually is. See for yourself:
Sent in by Essi who found them at a flea market at Finland.
I don’t think that guys understand the appeal of canopies over beds in the first place, but that lack of understanding compounds immeasurably when the canopy features the evil feline on it. Let’s hope that my wife fails to find one of these because I can think of nothing more disheartening than waking up in the middle of the night covered in a Hello Kitty net from which there seems to be no escape — kind of like the Hello Kitty Hell I now live in…
Sent in by robin and xgirl
My wife absolutely loves this Hello Kitty shower and would like to have one just like it to go along with the Hello Kitty house made of Hello Kitty bricks with Hello Kitty plants in front surrounded by the Hello Kitty picket fence with Hello Kitty display cases and Hello Kitty stained glass windows inside.
I have a slightly different view. I believe a shower is a place that you get clean, but how can any self respecting man take a shower in something like that and not feel dirty afterwards? Just one more thing to worry about in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by annaxray
It’s bad enough waking up each morning and seeing Hello Kitty right in front of my face, but now my wife wants to multiply this pain by getting Hello Kitty bathroom mirrors. While she thinks that these are cute, they are simply another heart attack waiting to happen for me. On those nights that I need to go to the bathroom, I’ll get out of bed still half asleep, switch on the light to the bathroom and slowly open my eyes to have a Hello Kitty mirror staring back at me. I wonder how much my wife will like it when there is a Hello Kitty scream of terror to wake her up every night…
Sent in by molly
We already have a Hello Kitty scale, but that doesn’t stop my wife from wanting other ones that she comes across. I find the whole idea rather ironic since the last thing that my wife wants to know from the evil feline is what she weighs. It wouldn’t surprise me if the Hello Kitty digital scale actually malfunctions on purpose so that it gives the wrong weight (to keep the Hello Kitty fanatics happy), or maybe it gives the weight in apples (if you know why this reference is significant, you know too much about Hello Kitty) so that it is impossible to tell. No matter what the truth is, it’s just another piece of Hello Kitty junk to add onto the pile in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by appleworm
Update: It looks like Sanrio is moving closer to that weight in apples theory I had with the Hello Kitty apple digital scale (sent in by martha)