While it’s certainly true that Hello Kitty finds a variety of ways to make my life hell on a daily basis, most of the time I can take it. Then there are the days when the evil feline devastates me.
I have always had a secret celebrity crush on Zooey Deschanel. Since I had never seen a photograph of her wearing the evil feline like so many other celebrities, I’d come to assume that she was one of the sane ones out there.
So you can imagine the devastation I felt when I discovered that not only did Zooey Deschanel have this monstrosity (3rd photo down) of a Hello Kitty sewing machine, she was actually quite proud of it:
While all seasons suck when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, the end of the year is the worst. I know immediately when October arrives because people start sending me stuff like Hello Kitty Halloween costumes and Hello Kitty pumpkins. And that is just the tip of the iceberg of the Hello Kitty Halloween crap that exists out there. To perfectly illustrate this point, I present the exclusive Hello Kitty Build-A-Bear Halloween orange witch:
Antonio Garay is a 6-foot-4, 320-pound NFL defender. Usually I would have nothing bad to say about someone who could undoubtedly do me great physical harm, but Antonio also proudly drives a Hello Kitty smart car:
While I don’t believe that anyone actually lives more of a Hello Kitty Hellish life than myself, I really do feel for the pet owners of Hello Kitty fanatics. Especially dogs who must have done some pretty horrific things in their past life to have been dealt such a humiliating hand in this one. Here is yet another prime example of what those poor dogs must endure:
We all know that Hello Kitty claims to be a wonderful role model (and how could we ever dispute that with all the Hello Kitty weapons, Hello Kitty alcohol and Hello Kitty scarification she so generously promotes to lead all toward the good life). Now we have further proof of Hello Kitty’s goodness and role model worthiness as she tries to help girls look their best: I present the Hello Kitty bulimic:
There are some things in life that when I see, I give thanks that I was somehow spared from the Hello Kitty Hellishness. That is exactly how I feel about this recent Hello Kitty by Swarovski event in Japan (prepare for 5 minutes of sickening sweetness if you dare to watch this video — I highly recommend you use common sense and don’t as this will save your mind from losing several IQ points)
It doesn’t take a huge leap of faith to figure out that if you lived an especially disgraceful previous life, chances are that you returned to earth as a pet of a Hello Kitty fanatic as punishment. Although I can’t imagine what type of evilness could constitute such a horrendous punishment, what Hello Kitty fanatics do to their poor pets is proof that their crimes must have been immense.
One would have thought this retribution was limited to those coming back as cats and dogs, although the fact that some poor bees got thrown into the mix (forcing them to kill themselves to escape the pain) should have been a hint that no animal was safe. The Hello Kitty hermit crab is more evidence to this fact:
It has been shown time and again that Hello Kitty in herself is just plain wrong. Hello Kitty tattoos have a way of highlighting that wrongness in ways that make us all shake our heads in disbelief. Then, of course, there are tattoos that when seen are simply wrong in so many ways and there isn’t really much more to say. A perfect example:
It can never be said that the evil feline doesn’t know how to compliment the atrocities she comes up with. One would have imagined that once the Hello Kitty contacts came out, she had done as much damage as she could with the eyes of Hello Kitty fanatics. Of course, that would underestimate how much Hello Kitty loves to produce atrocities as can plainly be seen with the Hello Kitty glasses:
I decided, against my better judgement, to let others submit Hello Kitty Hellishness directly to the blog. The ability to do so has been live only a few hours and I am already regretting this decision. How could I not be when something like this (seriously, I really have no freakin idea what it is, and quite honestly, I’m a little afraid to even find out)
When it comes to ruining foods, look no further than the evil feline. Her latest endeavor in her never ending quest to put the Hello Kitty name on anything and everything in the world is the creation of Hello Kitty Cheetos:
There aren’t many things covered with the evil feline’s face that I can get into, but anything that allows me to piss on Hello Kitty is far better than most of the other crap that invades my life. For example, if I have a choice of all the Hello Kitty crap at target or a Hello Kitty urinal target, I would obviously choose the latter. Along the same lines, if I have a choice between a Hello Kitty pregnant cake and Hello Kitty urinal cakes, I’d go for the cake that allows me to relieve myself on them with a plausible defense so there is a slight possibility I might avoid getting sent to the couch to sleep in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag for the rest of the month:
I guess it was a far too hopeful for me to wish that Hello Kitty could ever be satisfied with the torture that she unleashed on all the significant others of Hello Kitty fanatics with her horrifying Hello Kitty ice-cream because she decided for some unfathomable reason that she also needed a Hello Kitty popsicle version:
The biggest problem with posting any type of food on this blog (such as yesterday’s Hello Kitty pretzels) is that Hello Kitty fanatics feel it’s somehow their duty in life to send me more Hello Kitty food atrocities. Thus I have things like Hello Kitty gingerbread raisin cookies show up to ensure that I continue to live in Hello Kitty Hell and fear every type of food out there.
If you live in Hello Kitty Hell, you quickly learn that it is never a good idea to mention Hello Kitty and a food product in the same sentence. If you do, the result is often quite unfortunate and you end up with things like Hello Kitty pretzels in front of you:
In her never ending quest to turn the stomach of all sane people while promising rainbows out the back end for her devote followers, Hello Kitty believes that her diabetes inducing soda (Hello Kitty Belly Washers) will somehow wash away all the bad of those who drink it. Far more likely is that it ends up coming right back up the end it originally went down since that is the most common reflex the evil feline warrants in most of us:
It didn’t take long for things to get a whole lot worse. After the Hello Kitty duct tape spawned the Hello Kitty duct tape purse, you would think that those of us living in Hello Kitty Hell would get a few days of respite to heal our eyes (and minds) from the hideousness. That, of course, is not how the evil feline rolls. Thus some Hello Kitty fanatic decided against all common sense (and human decency) that a Hello Kitty duct tape dress would somehow be a positive addition to the world:
