One mans hell with cute overload
If there was ever a doubt (which there certainly shouldn’t exist at this point) that the evil feline was willing to do absolutely anything to earn a buck (do we really need to revisit the whole Hello Kitty vibrator incident?), we now have an additional piece of evidence: The Hello Kitty Chia Pet — seriously, you can’t make this crap up…
One of the worst things about my life is that people actually think it’s a good idea to send my wife all kinds of Hello Kitty crap. Believe me, the last thing in the world that is needed around my house is anything with the evil feline on it. In most cases, it’s unavoidable that it enters her collection because I have no idea what has been ordered and what hasn’t, but a few days ago a package arrived with a message on the outside that indicated that whatever was inside was a gift (“A little something for Mrs. HKH”). I stealthily brought it inside and opened it to find the following letter:
Dear Mrs. HKH,
I love Hello Kitty almost as much as you do. I’m jealous that you are able to get so many Hello Kitty products that I can only dream of having one day. The one thing that I do love the most in my collection are my Hello Kitty glasses. Everyone compliments me when they see them and tells me how great they look. I am sending you a pair because I know that you will love them as much as I do!
Meghin
As you can plainly see, they’re quite hideous and undoubtedly created to inflict the greatest amount of pain on anyone who happens to come in contact with the fanatic delusional enough to wear them:
In the rare situation when I find myself in possession of something that my wife has no idea about, there is only one thing to do — get rid of it before she discovers it. The preferable course of action would be to take a hammer and let all my frustration loose, but that could leave tell-tale signs which would inevitably lead me to having to spend large amounts of time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.
Instead, I will secretly do a little test to see how many of you out there have no qualms of willingly torturing those you love by forcing this painful look on them…
Well, I guess if you’re going to go into a zombie fight against the evil feline (which is undoubtedly how the world will end, because there is simply nothing that could be more terrifying than the Hello Kitty apocalypse), you are going to need to prepare yourself against more than a Hello Kitty chainsaw since you know you will be fighting horrors like this and this. Obviously, the Hello Kitty hatchet will be their weapon of choice when they come after you at a short distance:
One of the most disturbing aspects of living in Hello Kitty Hell is that it becomes painfully obvious that the people at Sanrio truly believe that if they simply put a bow on anything, this makes that thing cute. That, and the overwhelming fact that they simply can’t leave bad ideas alone, but feel it necessary to double down on them. By doing so, they make what any rational person would believe were the worst possible creations somehow even more disturbing.
So it really should not come as a surprise that at a recent Hello Kitty exhibit that a Hello Kitty toilet would be featured. Of course, the evil feline couldn’t simply leave it at that. Instead, she decided that since there seemed to be so much interest in Hello kitty poo (including in toothpaste form) that it would be cute to leave some with a bow on it in the Hello Kitty toilet (seriously, you can’t make these things up)
I swear the people at Sanrio aren’t even trying anymore. They are sitting in their office cubicles and seem to be actively trying to figure out something so ridiculously stupid that not even Hello Kitty fanatics will buy it. Of course, they are failing miserably at this mission.
Seriously, this really shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s already been well established that Hello Kitty will do whatever it takes to make a buck even if that means combining two previously terrible ideas together to form something that undoubtedly signals the coming of the end of the world. I have already had my run-ins with the wife concerning Hello Kitty toilet paper. Then the was the partnership between the evil feline and KISS which only confirmed that Sanrio has a special knack for making others sell-out in the biggest way possible. Any normal person would have stopped in complete embarrassment at that point, but that’s not how things work in Hello Kitty Hell. Instead, the people at Sanrio came up with the “brilliant” idea to combine these two failures to produce Hello Kitty KISS toilet paper:
While I am pretty sure that all Hello Kitty fanatics are going to deeply regret their tattoos, there are definitely some that are going to regret them more than others. My guess is that this Hello Kitty face tattoo is one that is going to fall into the category of “more than others.”
The problem of living my life is that there is no relief from Hello Kitty no matter the season. It simply seems that things get worse and worse as the years go by with each season getting worse than the last. A perfect example is that in winter there is a snowboard covered with the evil feline, so in summer there would undoubtedly be a surfboard. Since I have to deal with Hello Kitty snowmen in winter, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that now that summer is here, I will have to deal with Hello Kitty sand sculptures:
Yet again, the evil feline shows that she can’t leave a bad idea alone. After torturing an entire city with a Hello Kitty tram, anyone with even an ounce of sense would have hoped that this eye-gouging worthy sight would never have to be seen again. Of course, Sanrio couldn’t leave those in Europe as the only ones with scarred minds, so they decided to see if a Hello Kitty street car in Australia would have similar effects:
I guess this really should be expected. With all the types of Hello Kitty breakfasts including pancakes and waffles, you knew that the evil feline wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to make even more money on everyone’s morning meal. So it makes perfect sense (in a horrible, “why am I still living in this world?” sort of way) that there would be Hello Kitty maple syrup:
It’s not often I come across a Hello Kitty product where I’m not sure whether to hate it or love it. The mere fact that it’s yet another product depicting the evil feline produces instant loathing, but if I had to have something adorned with Ms Kitty White, I think the Hello Kitty knife set would be high on the list:
