Hello Kitty Cheerleader Superhero Video

It’s when I receive things like this in my email box that I know it’s going to be a horrendous Hello Kitty Hell day:

If we ever have a girl, that is exactly how my wife hopes our daughter turns out. I think I’ll go and cry in a corner and pray for a boy (although that might even be worse)…

This was so bad that the person that sent it did so anonymously. While they should definitely have to dress up like this for the rest of their lives for even thinking of sending it to me, I give them credit for not wanting to be associated with such a Hello Kitty Hellish and lower the sentence to just a year…

Hello Kitty Corset

We already know that Hello Kitty makes a wide variety of underwear including bras, boxers and even some scary boy’s briefs, but of course that is not enough — Hello Kitty has not mastered full domination until she also has a Hello Kitty corset:

Hello Kitty corest

Hello Kitty corest

My wife loves it. “Isn’t it wonderful how Hello Kitty is always helping women look their best?”

For a brief moment, I actually thought the idea of a Hello Kitty fanatic (namely my wife) getting a Hello Kitty corset would be good. There might be a tiny bit of justice if she decided to wear the corset and had it tied so tight that she could hardly breath (of course, all in the name of Hello Kitty helping women look better), but it didn’t take long to realize that this type of reasoning doesn’t work on my wife. Buying stuff for her Hello Kitty collection has nothing to do with actually using the stuff 99% of the time (of course this doesn’t make any sense, but we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics never do — unless you also happen to be a Hello Kitty fanatic).

The Hello Kitty Hell gods teasing me by getting my hopes up that justice would actually be served to a Hello Kitty fanatic for however brief a moment is yet another aspect of living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to kittyfan3 (via mindticor.com) who should have to wear one of these as tight as possible for bringing it to my attention

Hello Kitty Boyfriend

It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty fanatics feel it is okay to dress up cats and dogs as Hello Kitty, but you know you’re in real trouble when they feel it is appropriate to dress you up as Hello Kitty as this poor soul found out:

Hello Kitty boyfriend

I want to scream and shout at him to run for his life, but if he has endured until this point, there is no hope for him. I’m sure that he will be seeking to write a column on this blog in the not too distant future. My wife thinks that he is wonderful. “Look at how he shares his love of Hello Kitty with his girlfriend. You could learn from him…” I was tempted to remind her that she had to do this to him while he was sleeping, but didn’t want to place the thought into her mind that it might be a good thing to do to me, too.

His only saving grace is that his girlfriend had the decency to block out his face so he wouldn’t be ridiculed by all of his co-workers and friends for the rest of his life. My wife would have done no such thing she says. “You should be proud to show off your love of Hello Kitty if you’re male or female. Hello Kitty loves everyone the same.” And she wonders why I won’t let her do something like that to me…

The new Hello Kitty Hell concern is that my wife has embraced the idea of dressing me up while I’m sleeping. She hasn’t mentioned it specifically (and as I mentioned, I didn’t want to give her any ideas), but she had that Hello Kitty Hell twinkle in her eye as she looked at it and that can only mean trouble. Just one more worry to add to all the rest living in Hello Kitty Hell…

From xina in the comments, who really should have to wear the Hello Kitty head gear herself everyday for the rest of her life for any ideas she has given my wife…

Hello Kitty Leather Jacket

I know it’s going to be another Hellish day in Hello Kitty Hell when my wife decides I need a Hello Kitty leather jacket like this guy:

legacy of cuteality

Of course, she also wants to know why I’m not as enthusiastic about Hello Kitty as he is to which I simply have to say, if I even become 1/1,000,000 as enthusiastic as he is, someone simply shoot me and put me out of my misery…

Now I will have to wait in dire Hello Kitty Hell fear that a Hello Kitty leather jacket will soon appear at our door…

Left in the comments by Catherine who should have to marry this guy for even considering showing me this video

Hello Kitty Cell Phone Charger

Well, that certainly didn’t take long. Now that my wife has her blinged out Hello Kitty cell phone, she has decided that she needs to increase the number of Hello Kitty cell phone accessories she has (like that is a big surprise). Here latest purchase is this Hello Kitty portable cell phone recharger:

Hello Kitty cell phone recharger

Basically it is nothing more than a piece of molded plastic with USB cable, but my wife seems to like it for two main reasons: It’s light (only 50g including battery weight, but not the cable) so it’s not a problem for her to take it anywhere and Hello Kitty’s cheeks turn pink when the cell phone is charged (which she says is “so incredibly cute!”). At least it wasn’t one of her more expensive purchases at only $8 (998 yen) although with battery replacement it is going to cost a lot more in the long run.

I’m just trying to prepare myself for the onslaught of Hello Kitty cell phone accessories that will undoubtedly be showing up on our doorstep in the coming weeks and the Hello Kitty Hell situations that they will inevitably create…

Hello Kitty Fetish Fanatics

Let me say this once (I really don’t believe that I need to say this even one time) — I seriously have no (I’m talking 100%) interest in hearing about your Hello Kitty fetishes. While I view myself as being quite liberal and believe that what consenting adults decide to do in their own home is their own business, that doesn’t mean I have any desire to actually know in detail what it is you are doing with Hello Kitty in the privacy of your own home (and for all you Hello Kitty fanatics that visit this site that complain I’m being mean to Hello Kitty, believe me, you have no idea (nor do you want to know) what some people are doing to – or should I say “with” – her…).

I think it is pretty safe to claim a new low in Hello Kitty Hell when those with Hello Kitty fetishes believe not only that it is OK to email theirs to me, but that I would actually want to read about it…

Cell Phone

My wife finally got herself a Hello Kitty cell phone, but since the official Hello Kitty cell phones weren’t Hello Kittified enough for her taste, she instead had this monstrosity custom made:

Hello Kitty cell phone

Hello Kitty cellular phone

Since I don’t have a cell phone, my wife insisted that I take hers when I went out shopping yesterday in case she thought of some other things to add to the list she had given me. There’s definitely a Hello Kitty Hell law that states that when someone is living in Hello Kitty Hell and is forced to take some Hello Kitty branded item with them, the moment that that item will need to be used will be at the most embarrassing moment possible. Thus the phone rang right at the moment that I was in the most crowded section of the grocery store.

There is nothing that exudes “strange foreigner” in Japan more than a six foot three inch tall guy taking out a hideously blinged out Hello Kitty cell phone that is playing the Hello Kitty theme song as the ringtone in the middle of a crowded grocery store and having to explain that, “no, I am not lying and pretending I can’t find the Hello Kitty sausages you wanted. They aren’t here” and “yes, I do agree (because I don’t want to sleep in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight) that Hello Kitty pancakes are wonderful and it is also beyond me why the grocery store doesn’t stock Hello Kitty brand pancake mix.”

After talking and hanging up, I of course have every single mother and child in that area of the store looking at me with a raised eyebrow trying to decide if I am just a weird foreigner that likes Hello Kitty or some freaked out lunatic that has no grasp of the reality that grown men don’t have Hello Kitty cell phones (with the latter usually winning out). I immediately sulk away where upon the phone rings again and the entire process starts anew.

And the sad part is that is nothing unusual for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Race Queen

If you ever had any doubt that Hello Kitty wants it all, this should help put it to rest. Not satisfied to been the queen of cuteness, Hello Kitty also wants to be sexy. What other explanation can be found for this Hello Kitty Zent race queen plush:

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

Hello Kitty race queen

What exactly is Zent you ask? It’s a Super GT race car team:

Hello Kitty race queen

Just because you associate with women in skimpy outfits does not mean that you, yourself should wear the same outfit. The same holds true with Hello Kitty (like that would ever make a difference to Hello Kitty). Of course, my wife thinks this makes Hello Kitty “both cute and sexy.”

Normally this would not warrant a Hello Kitty Hell entry because on the scale of having to look at Hello Kitty, there are plenty of alternatives in the photo to keep my eyes occupied. If I have to look at Hello Kitty, looking at her being held by women in skimpy outfits ranks much higher on my acceptability scale than just having to look at Hello Kitty. Apparently my “acceptability scale” isn’t appreciated by my wife…

When my wife noticed that I wasn’t itching to change the subject or get way as quickly as possible, her Hello Kitty sense kicked in that something wasn’t quite right. Then she noticed that my eyes were fixated more on the models holding Hello Kitty than Hello Kitty herself. This is when I was informed in no uncertain terms that I am only allowed to “love and adore” my wife and Hello Kitty (not any other women).

I have no problem with the wife part, it’s the damn Hello Kitty part that keeps me in this Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Apple iBook Computer Skin

While I have no doubt that Hello Kitty will eventually come out with a limited edition Apple iBook (much like the Hello Kitty iPod mini) to compete against the Hello Kitty NEC Lavie G laptop computer, Hello Kitty fanatics aren’t that patient. They need to get their Hello Kitty fix this very second and if they own an Apple iBook, they accomplish this with the Hello Kitty Apple iBook computer skin:

Hello Kitty iBook skin

While I must admit that this is a rather reserved Hello Kittification (I mean, look at how some Hello Kitty fanatics mod their notebooks), you have to view any Hello Kittification as a harbinger of bad things to come (and that eventually means something that leaves you thinking WTF?!? as the Hello Kitty fanatics squeal with delight).

This is a classic Hello Kitty Hell teaser. It’s bad – enough to make non Hello Kitty fanatics cringe at the thought — but since it is obvious it is only the tip of the iceberg of what’s to come, we aren’t sure whether to be relieved or desperately sick…

Thanks to bethany who really should be required to use nothing but Hello Kitty computers for the rest of her life for showing me this…

Update

hello kitty ibook

Left by Jessica on Facebook

Hello Kitty Fetish

What is the deal with Hello Kitty and masturbation? Apparently the same Hello Kitty that makes me want to continuously vomit brings sexual excitement to far too many people – that is the only explanation to the popularity of the Hello Kitty vibrator and the Hello Kitty S&M Love Hotel Room. This goes to a whole new Hello Kitty Hellish level when just the sight of Hello Kitty is enough to bring this sexual pleasure:

Hello Kitty fetish

I must admit that I don’t understand a good 99% of what makes Hello Kitty fanatics function, but I can safely say that I completely (as in 100%) don’t understand those that have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish. There is something so completely wrong with that idea that is sends shivers up my spine every time I even have to consider it.

I know that all but the most hardened Hello Kitty fanatics are sitting in front of their computers (hopefully not a Hello Kitty computer) staring at the above confession and thinking WTF?!? (if you are even in the slightest bit considering a way to answer why some people might have a Hello Kitty sexual fetish, don’t. You are already over the edge of Hello Kitty fanaticism and any explanation will only provide all of us with worse nightmares tonight).

Yes, I considered this a sign that the world might be ending soon, but realized that that would relieve me from my Hello Kitty Hell suffering which would be much too easy — so not only is it not a sign of the apocalypse, it’s something that some people consider normal. And so another week in Hello Kitty Hell shows that things can continuously get worse than I thought possible the previous week…

Via ConfessMail

Hello Kitty Superhero

As mentioned previously, Hello Kitty has a problem with other pop culture and invariably tries to make it her own. She has obviously reached the point where all the superheroes have taken too much of the limelight away from her and instead of morphing the superheros into Hello Kitty, she has gone out and created her own Hello Kitty superhero:

Hello Kitty superhero

Hello Kitty super hero

This, of course, begs the question of what superpowers Hello Kitty possesses (this is something that I would really rather not know since it will undoubtedly be something that will make my Hello kitty Hell life worse). My wife thinks that she carries “barbells of love” because “Hello Kitty love will conquer all evil in the world” and a “heart belt of sweetness.” I have no doubt this is true because any enemy would rather end their life right then and there than have to witness either of those two powers in action. Then again, 99% of the world’s population (those that aren’t Hello Kitty fanatics) would also do the same…

Hello Kitty Darts & Cards

I should have learned by now to keep my mouth shut about what I’m thinking about getting something, because no matter how unlikely it would seem that they would make it in Hello Kitty style, they undoubtedly will and my wife will get it for me. Like Hello Kitty darts:

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Hello Kitty darts

Every once in awhile, as a temporary escape of my Hello Kitty Hell, I will venture down to a local bar and let the cold beer numb my senses so I can make it through another Hello Kitty Hell day. This particular bar has a couple of dart boards and I mentioned in passing last week that I might get myself a set of darts because the ones at the bar get ruined pretty quickly. It was more a “thinking out loud comment” than a statement of any kind and I didn’t even remember making it until today when 3 Hello Kitty dart set styles came to our door.

wife: “Look, a present for you.”

me: “really?” (trying to act enthusiastic knowing that something hideous was coming my way)

wife: “They are Hello Kitty darts. Aren’t they the cutest things ever?!”

me: “um, they make Hello Kitty darts?” (thinking: who the hell would ever buy Hello Kitty darts??? – besides my wife, of course)

wife: “Yes, aren’t they wonderful? Now when you play, Hello Kitty will be on your side so you will always have the power to win. They each have a deck of Hello Kitty cards that match so you can use those when you play poker, too.”

me: “…” (thinking: how the hell am I going to explain having Hello Kitty darts to the guys at the bar and Hello Kitty cards for poker night?)

wife: “Don’t you like them?” (with the Hello Kitty disapproval tone entering her voice)

me: “Oh, yes…umm, yes…they are great” (thinking: just throw the darts at my face as hard as you can from point blank range and use the edges of the cards to slit my wrists – it would be less painful than showing up with them at the bar)

wife: “Then why are you so quiet?” (the Hello Kitty disapproval tone reaching “you’re going to be on the couch with the Hello Kitty sleeping bag” levels)

me: “No, no, no. I’m not quiet. I was just thinking that all the other guys are going to be really jealous and I don’t want them to envy me so much.” (thinking: damn, was that a top notch recovery, or what?)

wife: “If they are that envious, I’ll tell them where they can get their own. Then you can all have Hello Kitty darts and poker cards…”

So while I’m not on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag tonight, I’m dreading the next time I go out and have to take the Hello Kitty darts and Hello Kitty cards with me. It’s hard to put forth an aura of manliness when you have Hello Kitty darts in your hand or when dealing a hand of poker with Hello Kitty cards. The only positive I can see is that the other guys will probably be laughing so hard that they won’t be able to play either and I’ll win by default. Somehow that isn’t a big consolation prize for the Hello Kitty Hell ribbing I’m going to have to take…

Hello Kitty Armband of Shame Video

The Hello Kitty armband of shame made it onto the Japanese news. Apparently they used the red and white checkered armband shown in previous months, but that armband proved to have the opposite effect and was popular among the police, thus they decided to switch to Hello Kitty to try and shame them…

As would be expected, my wife wants one of these for her Hello Kitty collection. Hopefully there is no police officer married to a Hello Kitty fanatic or he may be forced to get into trouble on a daily basis…

Hello Kitty Business Card Case

This is why Hello Kitty brings hell to the spouses of Hello Kitty fanatics. It’s bad enough that my wife “had to have” the Hello Kitty Gold business card. The problem is once you have the outrageously expensive business card, where do you keep it? In an outrageously expensive Hello Kitty business card holder, of course:

Hello Kitty business card case

Hello Kitty business card holder close-up

This business card holder is made of 24 karat gold and covered with Swarovski crystal beads and costs a mere $225 (27,300 yen). My wife thinks it’s stylish and cute and makes the perfect fit for the gold Hello Kitty business card.

This is where Hello Kitty excels – not only does she come up with completely useless things that she knows Hello Kitty fanatics will have to have, once she does, she comes up with accessories for the completely useless things. I have no doubt that she will also develop useless accessories for the useless accessories of the useless items (perhaps a gold threaded business card holder bag so that the Swarovski crystals don’t get damaged?). Then of course there will need to be a useless accessory for the useless accessory for the useless accessory of the useless item and so on…

I have no doubt that there is a reason that this Hello Kitty business card holder comes with crossed bones behind is it foreshadows my Hello Kitty Hell future. If you pick any Hello Kitty item, you can create a spider web of useless accessories linking them all together and I’m that struggling insect trapped in the web fighting to break free as Hello Kitty comes forth ready to sink her fangs into me and insert just enough venom to paralyze me, yet keep me alive so she can slowly suck the life out of me over a long period of time…that my friends, is a glimpse of what Hello Kitty Hell feels like…

Hello Kitty Tarot Cards

Not satisfied to simply take over mainstream religion, Hello Kitty also has delved into the alternatives such as these tarot cards:

Hello Kitty tarot cards

Hello Kitty tarot cards death

Hello Kitty tarot cards lonely

Hello Kitty tarot cards money

It doesn’t surprise me in the least bit that Hello Kitty believes that she can predict your future (and I’m sure she knows the Hellish future that she has in store for me…and I can only imagine that this makes her silently giggle – since she doesn’t have a mouth – with great pleasure). I also have no doubt that the death card would show up time and again in any reading I had…

Of course, my wife see this as yet another positive that Hello Kitty has brought to the world: “If people would let Hello Kitty’s love inside by using these cards, their future would be so much brighter and filled with love.”

The Hello Kitty high priestess has undoubtedly blessed upon me yet another day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by many readers all of which should have to listen to the future predictions of Hello Kitty and live with them for having enough time to find these. You can see the entire set at samiam010203’s flickr photo set

Armband of Shame

Apparently the police in Thailand have come up with the perfect way to keep their police officers in line – threaten to make them wear a pink Hello Kitty armbands to discipline them for such things as being late for work, parking in prohibited areas, fighting, failing to report for duty and giving poor service:

Hello Kitty eco bag

This is apparently not a joke and is intended to shame police officers into doing a better job and from repeating offences. The department has 10 armbands available that will begin being used this week. Just to make things a bit worse, first-time offenders must accompany the officer rostered as deputy chief of the day which means wearing the armband to all the major offices within the Crime Suppression Division.

Living in Hello Kitty Hell and knowing what it feels like to walk around with Hello Kitty, I have a feeling that this project will either be a great success or the Thai government will be overthrown in protest – with the edge going toward a complete government overthrow.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it quite the same way. “If all police officers wore Hello Kitty armbands, the public would love and respect them a lot more. The Hello Kitty armband should be a part of every police uniform…”

It seems that I won’t be the only person living in Hello Kitty Hell this week…

via Bangkok Post (better photo courtesy of Chris)

Hello Kitty Eco Bag

Only Hello Kitty can do something like this and actually convince Hello Kitty fanatics (like my wife) that they are spending their money wisely while helping the environment. My wife, knowing that I prefer to be eco friendly when possible, decided that I could not object to the Hello Kitty Eco Bag:

Hello Kitty eco bag

Now my impression of an eco-bag is something big enough to carry a sack full of groceries that you would use instead of plastic or paper. If it’s made out of recycled or renewable material, all the better. Sanrio, however, has a different take on what an “eco-bag” represents.

In Hello Kitty’s world, you take some recycled material, mold it into a purse, slap Hello Kitty’s face and 2000 Swarovski crystal beads on it and it magically becomes the “Hello Kitty Eco Bag” for the cost of a mere $875 (105,000 yen).

While it doesn’t really surprise me that this would be Sanrio’s version of Hello Kitty and being eco friendly at the same time (come on, eco friendly is a “hot” marketing area right now and when have you ever known Hello Kitty to try not to invade any hot marketing area?), I would think their attempt would be a bit less commercially obvious…until I realized they were marketing to Hello Kitty fanatics

While any normal person would see right through this lame attempt by Hello Kitty to be part of the eco friendly crowd, Hello Kitty fanatics actually believe this crap. wife: “It is great that Hello Kitty is embracing the environment and helping to save the earth. It goes to show all the love that Hello Kitty has for everything. I think I will get one to show my support for this great cause.”

And with that I reached one of those no win Hello Kitty Hell choices: Do I try to explain that Hello Kitty doesn’t give a crap about being eco friendly and end up on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag or do I keep my mouth shut with a smile on my faced and glazed eyes like a deer on the side of the road about to be slammed into by a 18 wheel truck? I should know better by now on which is the correct choice in this situation having spent this much time in Hello Kitty Hell and I would give you the details how I failed to choose that correct path, but it’ll have to wait until later as I’ve been sent to the closet to retrieve my bedding for the night…