Cutting Scarification

It’s already been well established that Hello Kitty fanatics are, to put it diplomatically, fanatical. In being so, they go far beyond what most of us normal people would consider, for lack of a better word, sane. Usually this merely means buying lots of useless Hello Kitty crap, but apparently some are willing to go to painful lengths for the evil feline:

Hello Kitty scarification

Of course, I have fallen once again into the classic Hello Kitty Hell trap of believing that it couldn’t get any worse than the Hello Kitty tattoos for body modification. I never learn…it always gets worse. Apparently true Hello Kitty devotion means splitting you skin open to permanently scar Hello Kitty’s image into your skin. Again, I hope this person really wanted Hello Mimmy (Hello Kitty’s sister) and not Hello Kitty on her arm (it still bothers me that I know the difference) because it doesn’t look like those scars will be coming off once the cuts have healed…

Sent in by Morgan (via modblog) who should have to suffer the same treatment for thinking it was – in any way, shape or form – a good idea to bring this to my attention.

Hello Kitty Zombie Tattoo II

Every time I get a new Hello Kitty tattoo sent to me, I naively think that the number of people who would ever consider doing something like that has been exhausted and no others will show up in my email box. Especially when I get one that is like the Hello Kitty zombie tattoo, I figure that there would not be any need for an alternative Hello Kitty zombie tattoo (isn’t a single Hello Kitty zombie tattoo enough?) Obviously, this is the hopeful delusions of someone stuck in Hello Kitty Hell because we all know that Hello Kitty is never satisfied with something until she has made a million versions. So it really shouldn’t have surprised me that a new Hello kitty zombie tattoo showed up in my email:

Hello Kitty Frankenstein tattoo

I would have pretty much determined that all these Hello Kitty tattoos are the sign of the Apocalypse being right around the corner except for the fact that we all know that Sanrio would be making Apocalypse Hello Kitty items in celebration of the event if it were that close at hand. You know it won’t be long before someone comes forward with a full body Hello Kitty tattoo and my ultimate fear is that it’s going to be my wife. It just shows that the evil feline can continue to drive my Hello Kitty Hell into deeper depths no matter how low she has ventured in the past.

Sent in by Andi who should have to get this tattoo (and all the others) for ever thinking it was a good idea to send this to me…

Hello Kitty Electronic Toilet Paper Dispenser

Once again, Sanrio and Hello Kitty provide another items that instantly becomes a front-runner for the most useless product in the world. Of course, this makes no difference to my wife that has her heart set on one of these Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispensers for Christmas:

Hello Kitty toilet paper dispenser

In classic Hello Kitty sales pitch style, the advertising copy trumps the low cost of using this device which only uses $1 a year in power to operate. Of course, that savings has little meaning when the unit itself costs approximately $220 (24,000 yen) which Hello Kitty seems to have conveniently forgotten while explaining how energy efficient the gadget is. And what do you get for that $220? The Hello Kitty toilet paper dispenser can be pre-program so that your exact favorite length of toilet paper will appear when pressing the button. That’s right. You can choose one of nine different length settings (each 20 centimeters difference) so that you never have more or less toilet paper than you really want for $220 and $1 a year in energy costs (if the thing doesn’t break after the first few uses).

While it really couldn’t make our bathroom look any worse than it already does and we have the Hello Kitty toilet paper that would match it perfectly, there is always the inconvenient problem that I’m not actually allowed to use the Hello Kitty toilet paper for its intended purpose which pretty much makes the entire gadget useless which pretty much sums up all gadgets in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Skull Bow Tattoo II

It’s disturbing when something I post here inspires someone to go out and get a tattoo (or two) – the Hello Kitty skull bow tattoos:

Hello Kitty skull bows tattoo

This is what I received:

These are my Skull bow tattoos. They were inspired by the hello kitty tattoo with the skull in the bow. I’m obsessed with hello kitty so of course I love your site. sorry!

I’m not sure if Hello Kitty’s bow without the face is any better than the complete evil feline and it’s completely beyond me why someone would want to place the bows where they appear to have been placed. My biggest worry is that one day the rest of Hello Kitty will appear which definitely would not be a pretty site…

Sent in by Katy who has given herself enough punishment by getting those tattoos in the first place…

Hello Hellish Kitty

On a very rare occasion, I come across something Hello Kitty that I actually like. On these days I have to stop, pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming, then put on just enough of a smile that my wife can’t discern whether I’m smiling or critically analyzing the evil feline in question. When these acceptable Hello Kitties come along, they almost are always something that reveals the true Hello Kitty:

Hello Hellish Kitty

wife: “Are you smiling?!?”

me: “No, I’m critically analyzing it…” (beaming with pleasure inside)

wife: “Why would someone do something like that?”

me: “hmmmmm…” (trying to keep the laughs from bursting out)

wife: “Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth. She could never take a bite like that!”

me: “hmmmmm…” (wondering if Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, why do I have to always listen to her sing her theme song…but letting it quickly pass to concentrate on the joy of the drawing more)

wife: “This is really disgusting and wrong!” (beginning to get angry)

me: “hmmmmm…” (enjoying the drawing even more as time passes)

wife: “Aren’t you offended by this?!”

me: “hmmmmmmm…” (thinking: “not in the least bit”)

wife: “Are you sure you aren’t smiling?!?”

me: “No, I’m critically analyzing it…”

It’s nice to see that there are others that can see the true Hello Kitty for what she really is. I actually think I felt a chill in Hello Kitty Hell…

Left by Alyssa in the comments – who I owe a beer if we ever meet for actually showing me something Hello Kitty that I could enjoy…

Hello Kitty Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade Float

I’m still getting things from Halloween when news like this is sent to me (it is very Hello Kitty like to make one holiday blend into the next so there is never a time when a holiday isn’t being celebrated by her):

Hello Kitty Macys Parade Float

Apparently Hello Kitty has been added to this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving parade. This is something right out of one of a horror movie – could there really be anything scarier than a giant Hello Kitty hoovering over you? Guess who is going to be having Hello Kitty Hell nightmares tonight

Sent in by Mike who should have to spend the entire parade underneath Hello Kitty for letting my wife know about this which has her now hounding me with the idea that we should go to see this…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume V

And the Halloween Hello Kitty costumes keep coming:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

With this note in the email:

haha enjoy this for your rants and raves!!! her name is candi kaboom…and her hobbies include dressing up like hello kitty!!!

There are so many things disturbing about this photo that I’m not sure where even to begin and therefore I think I will simply let all of you comment away. Of course, I can’t leave the post without making one small comment myself – it seems perfectly appropriate that someone named “candi kaboom” would be a Hello Kitty fanatic and why Hello Kitty fanaticism scares the hell out of me…

Sent in by Jill who should have to walk around like this all year as her punishment for reminding me how disturbing Hello Kitty Hell can be at its worst…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume IV

It doesn’t seem like Hello Kitty fanatics want Halloween to end and I continue to get more emails of pumpkins (I’ve added a couple more sent in) and costumes:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

This is what the email said:

I saw some of your other hello kitty costumes so i thought I would send you pictures of mine (it’s totally badass) Though most of the night I didn’t wear it as I was too busy smoking and drinking (are there hello kitty cigarettes yet?)

It took me 47 hours and your website actually inspired me to make it! I really hope the pics show up on your site as I love it :) it’s opened my hello kitty eyes ^^

It’s quite disturbing that any one would spend 47 hours working on a Hello Kitty costume. It’s even more disturbing that anyone would consider Hello Kitty to be “badass” in any way, shape or form. But far the most disturbing part is that my blog is now inspiring Hello Kitty fanatics and their fanaticism – a very sad day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Corpse Esproc who should have to wear that costume everyday as punishment for thinking it was a good idea to send me these photos and prolong my Hello Kitty Halloween Hell…

Hello Kitty Gold Pocket Calendar

Well, you can’t say that Sanrio doesn’t beat themes to death when they know that Hello kitty fanatics will line up to buy the most useless things. With Hello Kitty fanatics already purchasing the Hello Kitty gold business card, the Hello Kitty gold personal business card and even a set of Hello Kitty gold playing cards, how is a Hello Kitty fanatic to resist the Hello Kitty gold pocket calendar?

Hello Kitty gold calendar

Hello Kitty gold pocket calendar

Hello Kitty gold wallet calendar

The pocket calendar card is covered with 0.6 grams of 99.99% gold – who else but Hello Kitty would charge $57 (6,300 yen) for you to find out the date? Of course, you probably already know why this scares the hell out of me. With Sanrio’s current quest to cover everything you put into your purse with 99.99% gold, it shouldn’t be long before they apply this to the Hello Kitty condom and make a special set of them as well – and that really would be Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Tattoo Heart

It’s been awhile since the last Hello Kitty tattoo has shown up in my mailbox, so it really shouldn’t be a surprise that this Hello Kitty holding a heart tattoo came recently:

Hello Kitty tattoo heart

What is disturbing is that this tattoo is done on a guy which once again has my wife convinced that I need a Hello Kitty tattoo. More disturbing is that there have been enough Hello Kitty tattoos sent to me that are on guys that this incredibly disturbing trend doesn’t even shock me anymore. Worst is that since it’s a guy, he probably has no idea that he didn’t put Hello Kitty on his arm, but Hello Kitty’s twin sister Mimmy (and I find it the most disturbing that information like this has stealthily slipped into my brain due to living in Hello Kitty Hell for so long that I actually notice a mistake like this). The stars, apple, shoes and cupcake all around pretty much puts it into the top 10 Hello Kitty Hellish tattoo list and I can now look forward to a Hello Kitty Hell day of listening to how wonderful Hello Kitty tattoos are and that we should both be getting them…

Sent in by Liz who noted “My boyfriend has hello kitty tattoos; it’s why I noticed him….” which pretty much means they are meant for each other and I’m not sure there is any bigger punishment in the world than that…

Hello Kitty Mahjong Set

Hello Kitty Hell is, as would be expected, hellish, but it takes on new dimensions when a Hello Kitty product is combined with something else that my wife is obsessed with. In this case, mahjong.

My wife loves mahjong and we play it on a weekly basis. It is actually one of the few times where I am able to escape Hello Kitty Hell (well, except for the Hello Kitty snacks that get served…) to a large degree. That little oasis is soon to be gone forever now that my wife has found the Hello Kitty mahjong set:

Hello Kitty mahjong set

Hello Kitty mahjong set winds

Hello Kitty majong set back

There is something plain wrong about playing mahjong with Hello Kitty tiles. It would be like playing poker with Hello Kitty cards (something that my wife thinks that should be done too) or drinking beer out of Hello Kitty mugs (there aren’t many things that can ruin a beer, but that is one of them). Another typical day of finding out that one of the few places that has resisted the evil feline and her Hello Kittification has fallen under her world domination…

Sent in by hh who should be forced to play mahjong with Hello Kitty tile pieces forever for thinking it was a good idea to let me wife know about this…

Update: Apparently I will be receiving 28 boxes of Hello Kitty crap according to the latest threat from a Hello Kitty fanatic for refusing to tell where people can buy this stuff:

Please, tell me where to find the mah jong set. In return, I promise to throw all non- electric HK products away. If you don’t tell me, I will mail them- ALL 28 BOXES- to you and your wife!!! — Jodi

As far as empty threats goes (have you ever known a Hello Kitty fanatic that would willingly give up their Hello Kitty crap?), this one was both pretty feeble and typical. What Hello Kitty fanatics fail to realize is that with the amount of Hello Kitty crap that my wife already has, 28 boxes wouldn’t even be noticed… ;)

Update 2: It only gets better when it comes to dealing with Hello Kitty fanatics and their supposed threats. This is what I found in my email box today:

Empty!??? Ok, what’s yer address?? U now have 28 boxes of HK crapola on the way….seriously, that maj set is on 10 or so sites and no one knows the name of it or where to buy it. I come from one of those Jewish, mah jong playing families and i’ve been dying to learn to play….

This actually brought a smile to my face. The outrage that required an exclamation point and three question marks punctuated by having to ask where to send the crap. Obviously, it makes it a lot harder to send 28 boxes of Hello Kitty crap and take the threat seriously when you have to ask for the address of where to send it. Just saying…

Then there is the whole insinuation that she can’t learn how to play mahjong without a Hello Kitty mahjong set, and this should somehow make me feel sorry for her in some way. Believe me, I would feel much more sympathy toward your mahjong playing relatives if you were able to ever get your hands on the Hello Kitty mahjong set.

Seriously, why would anyone think that I would ever willingly give out my address to someone saying they are going to send me and my wife 28 boxes of Hello Kitty crap? I’m sure that somehow makes sense in the mind of a Hello Kitty fanatic — which I guess pretty much explains why they are Hello Kitty fanatics in the first place.

Update 3: The fun never ends. The latest email:

Ok, So now because of YOU – I had to contact other web sites about this stupid mah jong set….. I have people named “Maria Kitty” and “Bitty Kitty” writing me to say hello – they haven’t even responded about the set!!! How did I get myself into this??

So in response to your rather smarmy response…. I am not a HK fanatic – kind of used to be until it became trendy! I just haven’t tossed it out yet because .. well, I’d hate to see it NOT go to someone who wants it like you guys!! I haven’t bought any HK stuff in… uh, years!! Oh, except for electric stuff. And hopefully, a maj set soon. But after that, I will never buy any more, I promise. Also, my pals mom has a really old set but it’s made of ivory and I would feel just terrible knowing an elephant sacrificed his life, only to have me shooting what used to be his tusks across a table…. So, that’s why I need to know where to get the HK one – I doubt they are real ivory tiles. I promise not to tell a soul that you told me where to get it. — J

Right, somehow this is all my fault. And I’m the bad guy because I actually responded, although not in the way she wanted me too (note to self: remember never to respond anymore to Hello Kitty fanatics). The logic of Hello Kitty fanatics never ceases to amaze me.

It is classic Hello Kitty fanatic whining. The denial — they swear they aren’t Hello Kitty fanatics (isn’t denial the first sign that you really are an addict?), but they will still somehow not be able to live without some small piece of Hello Kitty crap.

I won’t even go into why not wanting to play with ivory mahjong tiles does not equate having to have a Hello Kitty mahjong set (if you can’t figure that out yourself, there really isn’t much hope in trying to explain it to you) and then she falls back onto the desperate plea that I eventually hear from all fanatics — the promise that they won’t tell anyone that I told them if I tell them. I’m not really sure why they believe this promise is supposed to convince me to tell them, but apparently it is a common assumption among Hello Kitty fanatics.

I’m almost tempted to tell her my address just so the hilarity can continue…

Condoms

You knew that they would show up eventually, but who knew they would be in the form of lollipops? Hello Kitty condoms:

Hello Kitty condoms

These are a quite disturbing development for reasons that should be obvious to anyone, but since Hello Kitty fanatics don’t usually follow the rules when it comes to the obvious, I will expound on this a bit.

1. The last place I want to see Hello Kitty when I look down is there. In fact, just the thought of something like that occurring is sending shivers down my spine…

2. While putting anything on related to Hello Kitty goes against my better judgement, putting on something that’s Hello Kitty there goes well beyond any Hello Kitty Hell I can even imagine.

3. I really can’t think of anything that would be quite as unmanly as having your significant other compliment how cute “it” looks with a Hello Kitty condom wrapped around it (which is the likely reaction of a Hello Kitty fanatic).

4. When a guy puts a condom on, he pretty much has a single thought on his mind. This does not include putting on different Hello Kitty condoms as if it were a fashion show.

5. Having to stop multiple times in the middle of doing it because the Hello Kitty fanatic wants to see “how cute it is” again and again pretty much would take the joy and pleasure out of the evening.

6. Being sent to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag because I wasn’t enthusiastic enough about this newest Hello Kitty item would pretty much top off the way I would expect the evening to end.

As you can see, the existence of Hello Kitty condoms is pretty much a nightmare for any guy that has a relationship with a Hello Kitty fanatic and something that definitely is going to cause the fires in Hello Kitty Hell to reach new levels…

Sent in by betty who deserves punishment far worse than even I can imagine, for even thinking that showing my wife the existence of these could in any way be a good idea…

Update: More Hello Kitty condoms:

Hello Kitty condom

Sent in by Aurora

Flavored condoms:

hello kitty flavored condoms

Hello Kitty lubricated condoms

Sent in by Dave

Hello Kitty Fanatic Changes Middle Name to “Hello Kitty”

Hello Kitty fanatics scare me. They scare me for a couple of reasons beyond the obvious that they are way too fanatical about Hello Kitty. First, they try to outdo one another. That is, they each believe that they are the most fanatical Hello Kitty fan and thus will do crazy things to prove that point. In much the same way that no matter how bad your think that Sanrio can get with Hello Kitty products, Hello Kitty fanatics always manage to find a way to do something insane to top one another.

Secondly, if they see another Hello Kitty fanatic has done something that they believe may make it look like that person is in the slightest bit more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than they are, they have to match and beat it. For the significant other, this ensures that Hello Kitty Hell continues to be a downward spiral into depths unknown. We live daily with the fear that some Hello Kitty fanatic is going to do something that will literally trigger all Hello Kitty Hell to break loose.

Today was one of those days when this arrived in my email:

Hello Kitty official name change

Yes, you read that correctly. This person has officially changed her middle name to “Hello Kitty” and as soon as my wife saw that, you could see the gears start cranking inside her head: “Wouldn’t that be a great thing to do?!? Think about it. If I change my name officially to Hello Kitty, then you can call me that everyday.”

Yes, and as that thought entered and solidified in my mind, I made a quick dash for the bathroom to relieve everything that I had eaten for dinner. Living in a house full of stuff covered with the evil feline is one thing, having to address your wife by the same namesake is taking things to a completely different dimension.

My only saving grace is that making such a change in Japan is nearly impossible, but I truly fear that my wife will figure out a way to do it. If that day ever comes, Hello Kitty Hell will certainly have moved to an entirely new level…

Sent in by Jo (whose significant other is free to write guest posts for this blog at any time) who deserves punishment well beyond anything that can be humanly conceived for even the thought of giving an idea like this to my wife…

Hello Kitty Douche

Because there is absolutely nothing that the evil feline won’t Hello Kittify (and some things that are just too “wtf” for anyone but the people at Sanrio to think of), may I introduce you to the Hello Kitty douche:

Hello Kitty douche

There are not many Hello Kitty products that leave me speechless, but this is one of them. Seriously, what else really is there to say?

From Laisa in the comments who gets a pass just because there aren’t many Hello Kitty products that can leave someone living in Hello Kitty Hell with nothing to say…

Hello Kitty Underwear

While I find everything Hello Kitty disturbing, there are some things that turn up the disturbed barometer a bit more than others. I’m still having trouble figuring out if this Hello Kitty underwear that Sanrio is producing in multiple patterns is for boys or girls:

Hello Kitty underwear

Hello Kitty underwear

In either case, they are just plain wrong. And a closer look tells you just how wrong they are. What exactly is Hello Kitty trying to sell here?

Hello Kitty underwear

Yes, you read that correctly. This is Hello Kitty kid’s underwear with “Juicy and Sweet” right across the crotch and the question “Want a bite?” directly above. I’m not too sure how appropriate that is for adult underwear, let alone children’s. Then again, it doesn’t seem like Sanrio is having much of a problem selling adult themed products masquerading as something else these days…

Hello Kitty eCard

Hello Kitty Hell takes on new dimensions of Hellishness when I begin receiving Hello Kitty ecards in celebration of Hello Kitty’s birthday:

Hello Kitty ecard

Just wanted to say that I like your blog, even if you are a hater. =)

I’m a Hello Kitty Fan, my husband is not, he feels your pain and understands. One day the both of you will come to share in the pure bliss that is Hello Kitty. We, your wonderful wives will welcome you into the light, we’re givers like that. You know how fabulous we are (you married us) and you also know we’re always right – we love Hello Kitty, ergo she’s good.

BTW – Have a Happy Hello Kitty Birthday Celebration!

I actually like your blog (you keep me up to date with some HK merchandise I didn’t know about). However I will continue to pray for your Hello Kitty enlightenment.

The simple fact that Hello Kitty ecards exist is quite disappointing. That one would ever be sent to me moves the level up to disturbing. That anyone would think it’s a good idea to send one to me in celebration of Hello Kitty’s birthday does nothing but fire up the flames in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent to me by *Hello Kitty Fan* (with a username like that, you know there is going to be nothing but Hello Kitty Hell) who should be forced into a padded room with no Hello Kitty for an extended period of time until the evil feline has been completely detoxified from her system (and I know I have the full support of you husband in this endeavor).

Vibrator Reborn

Oh, the irony. For anyone who thought that Hello Kitty wasn’t first and foremost out to make a buck, the following newly released item should put that to rest. Many of you know that there was a Hello Kitty vibrator that was made about 10 years back, but had been discontinued. Most people are aware of the history of the shoulder massagers, but in case you aren’t, here are the basics:

Hello Kitty vibrator pink

It all started back in 1997 when Sanrio gave a license to Genyo Co. to make a number of different Hello Kitty products. They produced all different types of products and one that was approved was a Hello Kitty shoulder massager. This was sent out to gift shops, restaurant chains, and other knick-knack stores and was truly sold as a shoulder massager around Japan initially.

It wasn’t long, however, that some people decided to use the shoulder massagers to massage other areas besides their shoulders. The Hello Kitty shoulder massagers that were being sold at the store down the street began to show up in adult movies. Soon they were also being sold in adult video shops and the sales of the product skyrocketed. Eventually it made its way online to be sold internationally as a “must have” sex toy.

When Sanrio found out that the shoulder massager was being sold as a sex toy, they claimed to be disgusted, especially since the Sanrio name and Hello Kitty character were on it. They immediately contacted Genyo Co. and asked them to stop. The Hello Kitty vibrator had at this point gained cult status and was selling like hotcakes and Genyo Co. had no intention of letting a hugely profitable product be taken off the shelf just because people were using it to stimulate other parts than intended. Sanrio tried to revoke Genyo’s licensing rights, but Genyo refused saying they had a valid license that had been approved and had spent much money developing the product.

The fight between the two companies continued until Genyo Co.’s top officials found themselves in tax trouble for some shady business dealings they were involved with. This gave Sanrio the reason they needed to revoke the license and Sanrio took the “shoulder massagers” off the market. The shoulder massagers that were still in outlets were soon bought up and sold as collector items sometimes reaching over $100 on eBay.

Since Sanrio was supposedly so disgusted and enraged by this “shoulder massager,” you can imagine my surprise when I received an email letting me know that they have revived it – selling it for just over $10 (1260 yen) in the Sanrio Japanese online store:

Hello Kitty vibrator should massager

Oh, but it gets even better. Not satisfied to come out with only the same thing they had in the past, it now is also available in black:

Hello Kitty vibrator black

This development of the “shoulder massager” being sold again is especially disturbing to all those that live in Hello Kitty Hell. At the end of the day, that is the last place you want to see Hello Kitty no matter how much pleasure the Hello Kitty fanatic claims that Hello Kitty brings. If this is the type of news the holiday season is going to be bringing me, it’s definitely going to be the most Hello Kitty Hellish one ever…

Thanks to Noa who really should be given some unspeakable torture treatment for even having the thought that letting my wife know these existed was a good idea…

Update: It appears they are available in red and lavender as well:

Hello Kitty vibrator set

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume III

It seems that the Halloween demons led by the evil feline have decided that they will continue to torture me even though the holiday is over. Yet more Halloween scariness sent my way in the form of another Hello Kitty Halloween costume:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

I image this is a preview to what a Hello Kitty convention would be like and just the thought of it is making the indigestion begin already…

Sent in by Dorian who, like the others, really should have to wear this year round as punishment for extending my Hello Kitty Halloween misery…