This is why Hello Kitty fanatics scare the hell out of me – they fashion things like this Hello Kitty bikini bottom that they believe is sexy, but just leaves everyone who sees it saying wtf?!?
Hello Kitty themed stores freak me out because there is no question that it will end up on my wife’s lists of places we must visit some day. It’s bad enough that I will someday be tortured into having to go to the Hello Kitty sweet shop, the Hello Kitty hotel (or even worse, the Hello Kitty love hotel) and the Hello Kitty hospital, but when it comes to evil feline and Hello Kitty bras, the Hello Kitty bra shop is a nightmare come true:
It’s bad enough when photos arrive in my mailbox that are products branded with Hello Kitty, but it’s even worse when I get a random Hello Kitty photo that I have absolutely no idea what it’s all about (and am too frightened to even imagine what’s going on):
I will be out of town for the first two weeks of April and I’m probably not going to have access to the Internet during that time to update this blog. I’m looking for someone to volunteer to take over during that time. If you feel that you can carry the Hello Kitty Hell banner while I’m away, please send me an email letting me know why you would be a good candidate for the job…
While I don’t condone any product displaying the Hello Kitty brand, if I did have to choose one, the Hello Kitty rectal thermometer would certainly be in the running:
It’s not often that I’m torn when it comes to anything Hello Kitty. The fact that Hello Kitty Easter eggs exist pretty much proves that Hello Kitty Hell has already invaded every possible holiday rendering them all times of torture. So it would be nothing out of the ordinary for me to react to Hello Kitty Easter eggs with the typical disgust I do with most things by the evil feline. But there is something that made me smile as it tickled my sense of justice when Hello Kitty Easter eggs were forced to witness the massacre of other Hello Kitty Easter eggs:
A photo set in which we created Hello Kitty Easter eggs, then ate them and made the remaining eggs stare at the resulting colorful carnage. I thought you might find it amusing, at the very least.
While the Hello Kitty vibrator pretty much put to rest any doubt that Sanrio wanted to expand beyond kids, the recent collaborative between Hello Kitty and Aki Hoshino pretty much continues along these lines. For those unfamiliar, Aki Hoshino is a Japanese bikini model that has turned that into a b-list TV career:
Not known for much else but the massive amount of flesh on her chest, Hello Kitty has embraced her with a new T-shirt line:
They just keep coming. Hello Kitty alone is reprehensible enough, but placing her on your skin with other supposedly “cute” characters just takes things to a whole new disastrous level as can be seen in this Hello Kitty Pikachu tattoo:
A sure sign that the apocalypse is upon us…The Kitty World Order:
Today, two confounded IT technicians wandered into my office and handed me a drawer from the new rack that they were installing. Printed on the circuit board was….
I cringed with despair when people started to make Hello Kitty computer mods. This sickness only increased as manufacturers began rolling out mass produced Hello Kitty laptops (and another and another), but I figured that it had to end there. Seriously, what else could Hello Kitty really do? But, alas, as has been well established here in Hello Kitty Hell, the evil feline can always do more. For those of you not yet thoroughly convinced that Hello Kitty plans to place her face on every single product in the world, I present the Hello Kitty circuit board.
Eight minutes of pure Hello Kitty Hell (view at your own risk of permanent brain damage)…
It’s never good to offer to help around the house when you live with a Hello Kitty fanatic. Even a simple “is there anything I can do to help clean?” will inevitably result in the evil feline forcing herself upon you. Case and point: Hello Kitty mop slippers:
Why does this seem so appropriate to me?
Hello Kitty, the Japanese cartoon figure popular with teenagers around the world, was used by a notorious Colombian drug lord to hide messages to his minions, according to a report Monday.
Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia, who is being held in Brazil after his arrest in August, hid voice and text messages digitally encoded into e-mailed images of the innocent feline, Brazilian police told the Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper.
Investigators say the disguised missives, hundreds of which were found on Abadia’s computer, could put the narcotics kingpin up to his neck in Kitty litter as some of them allegedly detail cocaine shipments between countries…
Abadia apparently picked Hello Kitty as his courier because his wife was a big fan of the Japanese icon — she had even decorated one of her rooms in a Brazilian house with Hello Kitty-themed chairs, watches and wallpaper.
Using Hello Kitty to help run a worldwide drug trafficking operation puts into perspective the real Hello Kitty and makes perfect sense. In fact, I would not be surprised if Sanrio sanctioned this because they felt that drug trafficking was becoming more popular than Hello Kitty and wanted in on the action (as they seem to do with anything else that has even the slightest bit of popularity).
The only bad part of this whole incident is that last paragraph highlighted in bold — I think he has a good insanity defense that will probably get him off…
It’s all right. Settle down and catch your breath. I know you read that headline and just about had a heart attack thinking that I had finally completely lost it. I’m sure you pictured me having been taken away in a Hello Kitty straight jacket to spend the rest of my life knocking my head against Hello Kitty themed padded walls (which is undoubtedly coming soon). No, in reality you once again failed to realize the utterly ridiculous levels Hello Kitty will go to sell her image. The headline is unfortunately literally accurate — The evil feline is now selling hand painted rocks that are done in her image:
Just when you believe that Sanrio can’t possible think of a more completely useless product than the Hello Kitty banana cover, they go and do this. Can Hello Kitty dirt be far behind? Or possibly a Hello Kitty slingshot to add to the ever growing arsenal of Hello Kitty weapons.
Of course, my wife absolutely loves these. Upon seeing them, the ever present “this is so cute” came with an overly elongated “soooooo” that is a unbreakable secret code that Hello Kitty fanatics use to determine exactly where in the overall scheme of Hello Kitty each product ranks.
You know how this came about. Someone at Sanrio said, “Hey, remember years ago when the pet rock was all the rage? Why don’t we make a Hello Kitty pet rock?” Now, at any other corporation in the world, that person would have been fired the next day, but in the world of Hello Kitty, that person has been promoted to a management position. Which simply means that more stuff like this will continue to flood the market for Hello Kitty fanatics and continue to move my Hello Kitty Hell to new depths…
Sent in by Adora who deserves to have to spend her life painting rocks in the image of Hello Kitty and then have them thrown at her for thinking that sending this to me could be a good idea in any way, shape or form.
Update: Apparently the evil feline didn’t feel that painted rocks were enough and found a way to put her likeness into a natural Hello Kitty stone:
There is not much in this world that I would consider a worse form of torture and torment than having to sit through something like this Hello Kitty fashion show:
While my wife would view attending something like this close to heaven, I think I would need to carry around the sack full of the Hello Kitty barf bags just to make it through the first few minutes. It’s painful enough having to watch it on a video, let alone imagining what it would be like attending live. Of course, my wife is already frantically searching to see if there are other Hello Kitty fashion shows planned for the future — which means that my life could soon dive much, much deeper into Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by kttops who really deserves an extra special horrifying punishment for 1) making me sit through that video 2) upon seeing it, convincing my wife that not seeing a Hello Kitty fashion show will mean her life has somehow lost all its meaning 3) Thinking for even a fraction of a second that it would be a good idea to send me something like this…
Yep, this sums Hello Kitty up pretty damn well…
I know that they have Hello Kitty ash trays and Hello Kitty Zippo lighters, so Hello Kitty cigarettes really aren’t that much of a stretch – Sanrio probably already has them in the production pipeline and they will undoubtedly come with substances that produce further Hello Kitty addictive behavior. One more thing to dread that will only increase my Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Jon, who deserves a beer from me if we ever meet for showing Hello Kitty for who she is so well…