Braids

I’m not sure what it is with the evil feline and hair. Fanatics, in their delusional exuberance, feel that shaving the cat with no mouth into their hair is a good idea. Or turning their hair into a bow. Or going out and buying a Hello Kitty wig. And let’s not forget that there’s actually a Kitty hair salon. One would think that these people would have embarrassed themselves enough with all of this, but apparently not (which really shouldn’t be a surprise since it seems that this is the goal of their lives). Now we can add the Hello Kitty braid to the mix:

Hello Kitty hair braid

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America’s Next Top Model

How can anyone possibly make reality TV any worse than it already is? Although most people wouldn’t think it could be possible, reality has shown it was actually quite easily accomplished. Simply add “Hello Kitty high fashion” and you get what can only be described as fashion created by coughing up a massive Hello Kitty hairball. Don’t believe me? Watch the video (at your own risk as it will undoubtedly scar your brain for life)

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Hello Kitty Elle Cover

You know that you really can’t take a fashion magazine seriously when they are willing to place the evil feline on the cover. You know they have gone completely insane when they think that doing a double cover is something that’s acceptable. We know that Elle Taiwan editors have guzzled the Kool Aid with their December Elle Hello Kitty magazine double cover:

Hello Kitty Elle magazine

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Hello Kitty Acupuncture Needles

If Hello Kitty fanatics are willing to carve the evil feline into their skin (as well as branding), I guess that it really shouldn’t be a surprise that someone would also have no issue having Hello Kitty stabbed into their back with a bunch of acupuncture needles:

Hello Kitty acupuncture needle artist

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Hello Kitty by Swarovski

There are some things in life that when I see, I give thanks that I was somehow spared from the Hello Kitty Hellishness. That is exactly how I feel about this recent Hello Kitty by Swarovski event in Japan (prepare for 5 minutes of sickening sweetness if you dare to watch this video — I highly recommend you use common sense and don’t as this will save your mind from losing several IQ points)

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Hello Kitty Sunburn

As if you really needed any additional proof that Hello Kitty fanatics have a warped sense of thinking, you simply have to ask yourself what would you do if you were going to the beach. Most of us would put on some suntan lotion to prevent a sunburn and have a good time, but the Hello Kitty fanatic thinks a bit differently than you and me. She instead decides to put a Hello Kitty stencil on her body and then purposely get burned so that she can show off her lovely Hello Kitty sunburn to all her friends:

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Hello Kitty Deodorant – Pussy Wind

Seriously, the one thing that you quickly realize living in Hello Kitty Hell is that there is no possible way that you can make up the Hello Kitty crap that exists out there. While I am not usually a fan of Hello Kitty merchandise, there are still those rare instances when Hello Kitty goes to levels so absurd that I believe for a second that she might actually do herself in. Case in point, the new Hello Kitty deodorant which is aptly named Pussy Wind (I kid you not)

Hello Kitty Pussy Wind deodorant

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Hello Kitty Braces

It’s more than a bit ironic that despite Hello Kitty having no mouth, she has quite an oral branding fixation. This irony is all the worse because the Hello Kitty oral branding tends to be some of the worst. It’s difficult to keep one’s sanity when you see things like the Hello Kitty tooth, the Hello Kitty retainers, the Hello Kitty tongue stud and the Hello Kitty tongue and lip tattoos. One would assume that these disasters would bring Hello Kitty fanatics to their senses and that they would realize that Hello Kitty does not belong anywhere near their mouth, but that would be making the terrible assumption that Hello Kitty fanatics have common sense. Thus someone thought that Hello Kitty braces would be a good idea:

hello kitty braces

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Hello Kitty Halloween Nails

You know it’s going to be an extraordinarily terrible holiday season when it begins with Hello Kitty nails being made worse than all the examples already out there (something that any normal person would assume would be impossible). Then again, one thing I have learned over the years is to never underestimate how bad Hello Kitty can make things, especially when you believe you have seen the worst. Thus, it should be of little surprise that someone thought that Hello Kitty Halloween nails would be a good idea:

hello kitty Halloween nails

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Hello Kitty Pedicure

It is already well established that Hello Kitty fanatics love their claws. One would assume seeing that sampling of what Hello Kitty fanatics are willing to do to their nails pretty much sums up the worst of the worst, but that would be highly underestimating Hello Kitty fanatics. Case in point: the Hello Kitty pedicure:

hello kitty pedicure

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Hello Kitty Eggshell Membrane Oil

The mere fact that I not only know what this is and what it is used for should make me want to end my life. Unforetunatley, the pain doesn’t end there. My wife has actually tried to put Hello Kitty eggshell membrane oil on my face (see, your life doesn’t seem all that bad at the moment, does it?) which is positive proof that I live in Hello Kitty Hell:

hello kitty eggshell membrane oil

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Hello Kitty Wig

One would assume that it would be difficult to make anything worse than the Hello Kitty head that has tormented cats (even dead ones), dogs (including those doubly unfortunate enough to belong to Perez Hilton), babies and those related to fanatics who somehow feel this is cute. On a similar note, it would seem nearly impossible to make your hair worse than by doing a Lady Gaga and shaping it into a giant bow. Of course, this would be highly underestimating the evil feline and her great ability to take two terrible ideas and meld them together to make something far worse. Case in point, I introduce the Hello Kitty wig:

hello kitty wig

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Hello Kitty Beauty Pageant

The thing that I fear most in Hello Kitty Hell is when my wife and I have kids. It’s an absolutely no win situation, first and foremost, because she will want to have the baby conceived in a Hello Kitty bondage room and delivered in a Hello Kitty maternity ward. If it’s a baby boy, he’s going to have to grow up dealing with Hello Kitty all around. If it’s a baby girl, well, suffice to say that all Hello Kitty Hell will break loose and my current situation will seem mild by comparison. That’s because things like Hello Kitty beauty pageants for kids exist:

Hello Kitty beauty pageant

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Hello Kitty MAC Cosmetic Signage

I would basically like to wipe the entire Hello Kitty MAC cosmetic line — and the advertising they did — completely from my mind due to the traumatizing effect it caused that I’m still recovering from. It’s difficult to have a positive outlook on life when you have seen the MAC make-up video and S&M Hello Kitty men. So it is no surprise that the artwork signage for MAC also leaves one shaking their head wondering what type of drugs the people were taking that came up with the entire concept. Maybe they took a few too many tokes from the Hello Kitty Louis Vuitton bong or got hold of some of that Hello Kitty cocaine

Hello Kitty MAC cosmetic sign

Sent in by too many people – stop sending MAC stuff – the campaign is over and let’s leave it that way for everybody’s sanity…

Hello Kitty Face Stickers for Men

Let me state for the record that I really hate fashion magazines. It has nothing to do with the heroin addict thin models that grace the pages and the unrealistic “perfect” body image that they send to those that read them. I hate them for a much more basic reason. From time to time, the editors of these magazines get the ludicrous idea (or, more likely, get their palms greased with lots of Hello Kitty money) that doing photo shoots where male models wear evil feline crap like stickers on their face is a good idea and pretend that it’s a fashionable new trend:

Hello Kitty face stickers

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Eyeshadow

The thing that is so annoying with Hello Kitty fanatics is that they take things too literally. Most people who buy makeup use it as it is supposed to be used. Not Hello Kitty fanatics. When a Hello Kitty fanatic buys Hello Kitty makeup, they think that they are actually supposed to draw a Hello Kitty with it:

hello-kitty-eyeshadow

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Hello Kitty Skin Meter

You knew that it would eventually have to happen. Having already Hello Kittified virtually every real gadget out there, the evil feline has decided that it’s necessary to take the next logical step in her plot to take over the world — invent random gadgets that make no sense at all, but which she knows thousands of loyal Hello Kitty fans will buy because it has been Hello Kitty branded. There is no other explanation that can be rendered for the Hello Kitty skin analyser:

hello-kitty-skin-analyser

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Hello Kitty MAC Make-Up Collection Male Model

Any normal person would assume that MAC coming out with a full Hello Kitty line of cosmetics would be as bad as something could get — until they viewed the MAC Hello Kitty video whereupon they would reflect on their naivety and concede that it had just gotten worse (but assume that it had now gotten as bad as it could). Of course, this greatly underestimates the lengths that the evil feline will go to make sure that all normal people are always wrong with their assumption that it can’t get worse. A perfect point to illustrate: The Hello Kitty MAC male Hello Kitty model

hello-kitty-mac-man

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