Hello Kitty Cleavage

I apologize in advance bringing a day of my life into your world. It’s never a fun process of opening my emails in the morning because I know that I will inevitably be terrified by some photo from a fanatic who somehow thinks it was a good idea to send it to me. Even worse, they can’t be unseen. It’s always been a bit beyond me why fanatics of the evil feline think that she’s sexy and will attract men when in all reality she’s an automatic repellent to anyone who has half a brain, but then we have already established that fanatics have little more than air floating around in their heads. Combine lack of brains with a twisted notion that she has sex appeal and ideas like Hello Kitty cleavage get dreamed up to terrify all of us with an ounce of common sense:

Hello Kitty cleavage

I guess there are a couple of legitimate reason that this would be beneficial. It would be a wonderful way to tackle world overpopulation since nobody in their right mind would ever want to reproduce with someone wearing this. It would also be a much more effective campaign than “abstinence only” and easily eliminate teen sex for generations. But in the end, it’s simply one more thing which adds to the horrifying depths of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sunglasses

We are already well aware that the cat with no mouth tends to go a bit overboard in her decorations. For those that have any doubt, just take a look at what she does to phones and nails. Only in the world of the evil feline does it somehow make sense that the way to block the sun while wearing glasses is to fill those glasses with so much bling that the sun can’t get through them. The obvious fact that it also means that you can’t see crap out of them yourself apparently doesn’t seem to be an issue of much concern which is perfectly illustrated with these Hello Kitty sunglasses:

hello kitty sunglasses

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High Heels

I guess it was only a matter of time before Hello Kitty shoes would find a way to look similar to Hello Kitty phones. I’m not exactly why anyone would want to walk around with these on their feet other than repel every other human being on the planet, so I guess that anyone delusional enough to wear these is actually doing all humans a service in warning them to stay as far away as possible. Could there really be any other reaction to these Hello Kitty high heels?

Hello Kitty 3 inch heels

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Stockings

There are bad ideas, and then there are ideas that have simply been created to infuse the vast majority of the human population with utter and total disgust. While most items branded by the evil feline fall somewhere in between these points, it seems that more and more are finding their way closer the “total disgust” side of the spectrum. Case in point — there really can be no other reason for the invention of the Hello Kitty stockings than to recreate those revolting dry heaves that you get in the morning after drinking far too much tequila the night before. Don’t believe me? Take a look and let the queasiness begin…

hello kitty stockings

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America’s Next Top Model

How can anyone possibly make reality TV any worse than it already is? Although most people wouldn’t think it could be possible, reality has shown it was actually quite easily accomplished. Simply add “Hello Kitty high fashion” and you get what can only be described as fashion created by coughing up a massive Hello Kitty hairball. Don’t believe me? Watch the video (at your own risk as it will undoubtedly scar your brain for life)

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Dodgeball Team

There are few things that surprise me in Hello Kitty Hell these days, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t come across things on a daily basis that make me ask myself, “for the love of all that is supposed to be good in the word…why???” The Hello Kitty dodgeball team definitely falls into that category:

Hello Kitty dodgeball team

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Duct Tape Bra

I knew that things weren’t going to be good as soon as Hello Kitty duct tape came to existence. This was quickly confirmed with the Hello Kitty duct tape purse and then there was absolutely no doubt with the Hello Kitty duct tape dress. Of course, fanatics of the evil feline couldn’t leave bad enough alone and decided that a Hello Kitty duct tape bra was in order:

Hello Kitty duct tape bra

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Hello Kitty Heels and Tights

There is this extremely unfortunate (and frightening) notion among Hello Kitty fanatics that wearing very little clothing in conjunction with the evil feline is somehow a good thing. I think this photo proves that this notion is definitely not the case:

Hello Kitty heels and tights

The worst part is that this isn’t even a Hello Kitty costume which pretty much ensures a Hello Kitty Hellish day for anyone that has to lay eyes on it…

Left by Whitney Rose on Facebook

Hello Kitty Fanatic

We all instinctively know that Hello Kitty guns are an extremely bad idea. There is no need to show us. In fact, we also know instinctively that if we did see a fanatic with guns that we would cringe in the best case scenario and our brains would be scarred for life in the worst. This photo dramatically shows us the worst case scenario:

hello Kitty fanatic with rifle and hand gun

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Hello Kitty Eating Disorder

We all know that Hello Kitty claims to be a wonderful role model (and how could we ever dispute that with all the Hello Kitty weapons, Hello Kitty alcohol and Hello Kitty scarification she so generously promotes to lead all toward the good life). Now we have further proof of Hello Kitty’s goodness and role model worthiness as she tries to help girls look their best: I present the Hello Kitty bulimic:

hello kitty bulimia

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Hello Kitty Duct Tape Dress

It didn’t take long for things to get a whole lot worse. After the Hello Kitty duct tape spawned the Hello Kitty duct tape purse, you would think that those of us living in Hello Kitty Hell would get a few days of respite to heal our eyes (and minds) from the hideousness. That, of course, is not how the evil feline rolls. Thus some Hello Kitty fanatic decided against all common sense (and human decency) that a Hello Kitty duct tape dress would somehow be a positive addition to the world:

Hello Kitty duct tape dress fashion

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Hello Kitty T Shirt Collection

For some unfathomable reason, Hello Kitty fanatics feel that it’s appropriate to send me photos of their Hello Kitty collections. Believe me, opening an email filled with photos of a Hello Kitty collection is probably one of the most hellish things that one can ever experience, especially early in the morning or just after a meal. This Hello Kitty T Shirt collection left me nauseated for the rest of the week:

Hello Kitty T Shirt collection

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Hello Kitty Ear Muffs

The problem with living in Hello Kitty Hell is that there isn’t a season that is safe. The Hello Kitty bikini ensures that I have absolutely no desire for summer to arrive, but then things like Hello Kitty ear muffs (almost as bad as the Hello Kitty hat and mittens) get sent to me and it’s obvious that it’s high time for winter to be over:

hello kitty ear muff girl

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Hello Kitty Bikini

When you live in Hello Kitty Hell, you always have to be extra careful what you wish for. I was imagining how it would be absolutely wonderful when winter is over and the warm weather is once again upon us. Then this Hello Kitty bikini monstrosity landed in my email proving that exile to Antarctica would be far less painful than having to endure a summer of having to look at Hello Kitty bead bikinis:

hello kitty bead bikini

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Hello Kitty Toms Shoes

When it comes to Hello Kitty fanatics, you can be pretty sure that their unfortunate obsession includes shoes. It doesn’t matter if they are Hello Kitty Reeboks, Hello Kitty Nikes, Hello Kitty Asics or the infamous Hello Kitty Converse (seriously folks, over 300 comments mostly from fanatics whining) — and that is not to mention the Hello Kitty heels or Hello Kitty bowling shoes. So it really shouldn’t be a surprise that someone out there, in their completely deluded logic, thought that a pair of Hello Kitty Toms would be a good idea:

hello kitty Toms shoes

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Hello Kitty Reebok Plush Shoes

Every time it gets to the point where I believe that things can never get worse, the evil feline makes sure to let me know that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse. It is distressing (and more than a little disturbing) that I still have people asking me where they can find Hello Kitty Converse shoes 4 years after first posting about them (not to mention Hello Kitty fanatics wishing me dead for refusing to tell them where my wife got them).

Once the people at Sanrio saw all the fuss these were causing, they decided that Hello Kitty x shoes was an impossible to lose combination which lead to unfortunate creations such as Hello Kitty Asics shoes, Hello Kitty Reebok shoes and Hello Kitty Nike shoes (not to mention Hello Kitty bowling shoes and Hello Kitty heels)

Any normal person would imagine that Sanrio had fully exploited this combo, but it now appears that they have just started by adding another horrifying aspect to the mix. Instead of leaving bad enough alone at Hello Kitty x Reebok, the powers driving Hello Kitty Hell decided that to really torture most of us, a Hello Kitty x Reebok x plush combination was somehow a good idea:

hello kitty plush Reebok shoes

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Hello Kitty Devil Worship

Apparently there is a rumor going around that Hello Kitty was created as a result of a pact with the devil. While I would like to claim that this idea was mine (hey, I live in Hello Kitty Hell), it turns out that this episode is far more sinister:

The story is how Hello Kitty came to be…that a mother or father, depending on the version of the story had a child that had cancer. The parent made a pact with the devil that if the child was cured they would create a character in the devil’s honor that would be adored worldwide. There are different variations but they all boil down to the point that Hello Kitty is evil and that God fearing people should stay away from any HK products as they are affiliated with the Devil and Devil worship.

While this is not technically true, it’s hard to dismiss completely since Sanrio likes to use the devil theme on many of their products:

hello kitty devil bra and panty set

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Hello Kitty Graduation Cap

It’s when I get emails like this that I fear for the future generations of the human race. There really should be a rule at every college that if you feel that Hello Kitty should be on your graduation cap when you are about to graduate, you forfeit your degree and have to begin your education from kindergarten again:

hello kitty graduation cap

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