Hello Kitty Butt Plugs Should Make You Cringe

When you live in the type of hell that I do, it’s a major risk opening up email each morning. While I never escape completely unscathed from the torment that the evil feline throws my way, there are definitely some days that are much worse than others. Today was one of those days. That’s because you absolutely know that things have gone terribly wrong in the world when you open up an email to see Hello Kitty butt plugs (clear and pink) staring back at you…

Hello Kitty anal plug

pink anal plug

Now, I think that we can all agree that there’s more than a bit of irony in the fact that the cat-with-no-mouth would feel it necessary to produce butt plugs. It also should be noted that while she doesn’t seem to have one of her own (although there are those that dispute that), shoved up someone’s ass is exactly where the vast majority of people in the world believe that she belongs. The fact that fanatics will gladly do this honor to themselves (while paying $80 to have the privilege) once again proves the people at Sanrio know exactly how to treat their customers…

Sent in by Hello Booty

Hello Kitty Cleavage

I apologize in advance bringing a day of my life into your world. It’s never a fun process of opening my emails in the morning because I know that I will inevitably be terrified by some photo from a fanatic who somehow thinks it was a good idea to send it to me. Even worse, they can’t be unseen. It’s always been a bit beyond me why fanatics of the evil feline think that she’s sexy and will attract men when in all reality she’s an automatic repellent to anyone who has half a brain, but then we have already established that fanatics have little more than air floating around in their heads. Combine lack of brains with a twisted notion that she has sex appeal and ideas like Hello Kitty cleavage get dreamed up to terrify all of us with an ounce of common sense:

Hello Kitty cleavage

I guess there are a couple of legitimate reason that this would be beneficial. It would be a wonderful way to tackle world overpopulation since nobody in their right mind would ever want to reproduce with someone wearing this. It would also be a much more effective campaign than “abstinence only” and easily eliminate teen sex for generations. But in the end, it’s simply one more thing which adds to the horrifying depths of Hello Kitty Hell…

Vajazzle (NSFW)

Although I have come to the inevitable (although still excruciatingly painful) realization that I’m going to eventually see everything succumb to the branding of the evil feline at some point, there are still things that end up in my email that I hope for the sanity of the human race never become trends. The Hello Kitty vajazzle is most definitely one of those things:

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3D Printer Vibrator

The one thing that is always certain in Hello Kitty Hell is that no matter how bad things get, all you need to do is wait another day to realize it will inevitably get worse. One would assume that fanatics of the “one with no mouth” would have gotten their fill with the multi-colored HK vibrators (oh, sorry, those are technically shoulder massagers, aren’t they?) that Sanrio so conveniently decided to reintroduce when it was obvious that they could make a few bucks off of them. That assumption, alas, greatly underestimates the evil feline’s hoards who seem to have a strange fascination of placing her near their own kitty, and must always find some new way to expose the horrific underbelly of new technology.

Most people would think that the advancing technology of 3D printers is something that was pretty interesting, and they probably thought that a lot of great things could be done with them. Of course, the naively never anticipated that HK fans would step into the picture. When they did, the horrors immediately became apparent with the Hello Kitty 3D printer vibrator being developed:

hello kitty 3d vibrator

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Flavored Condoms

I don’t know why I hope that the evil feline will somehow come to her senses and leave her already terrible ideas alone so that the world can have at least a bit of sanity. She proves time and again that she doesn’t know how to leave a bad idea alone. It was horrific enough when Hello Kitty condoms appeared, but apparently the people at Sanrio decided that they needed something a little more. Their solution was Hello Kitty flavored condoms:

Hello Kitty colored and flavored condoms

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Ball Gag

It has already been well established that Hello Kitty, that loveable and innocent little girl’s character that she is, has quite a fetsih for S&M (you simply need to look at the Hello Kitty flogger, the Hello Kitty latex bed, the Hello Kitty bondage room, the Hello Kitty bondage sofa (NSFW) or the Hello Kitty love hotel room to confirm this). So it’s quite fitting that the evil feline should continue to show her innocence to all with the Hello Kitty ball gag:

hello kitty ball gag

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Duct Tape Bra

I knew that things weren’t going to be good as soon as Hello Kitty duct tape came to existence. This was quickly confirmed with the Hello Kitty duct tape purse and then there was absolutely no doubt with the Hello Kitty duct tape dress. Of course, fanatics of the evil feline couldn’t leave bad enough alone and decided that a Hello Kitty duct tape bra was in order:

Hello Kitty duct tape bra

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Hello Kitty Heels and Tights

There is this extremely unfortunate (and frightening) notion among Hello Kitty fanatics that wearing very little clothing in conjunction with the evil feline is somehow a good thing. I think this photo proves that this notion is definitely not the case:

Hello Kitty heels and tights

The worst part is that this isn’t even a Hello Kitty costume which pretty much ensures a Hello Kitty Hellish day for anyone that has to lay eyes on it…

Left by Whitney Rose on Facebook

Hello Kitty Halloween Costumes 2011

I knew this was coming. I secretly prayed that it wouldn’t, but the mere fact that the evil feline exists pretty much proves that there is no God. It has become an annual torture fest beginning with Hello Kitty Halloween pumpkins landing in my email, then eventually a Hello Kitty Halloween costume ending up there as well. Although I had tried to mentally prepare myself for horror that would undoubtedly appear, I had no idea what an utterly frightening mess it would be. Judge for yourself:

Hello Kitty sexy Halloween costume

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Hello Kitty Spank My Kitty Tattoo

It has been shown time and again that Hello Kitty in herself is just plain wrong. Hello Kitty tattoos have a way of highlighting that wrongness in ways that make us all shake our heads in disbelief. Then, of course, there are tattoos that when seen are simply wrong in so many ways and there isn’t really much more to say. A perfect example:

Hello Kitty spank my kitty tattoo

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Bondage Sofa (NSFW)

There really isn’t any doubt that the evil feline loves her sex. She can pretend all she wants that it is a shoulder massager, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that two kitties are much more likely to meet. Simply knowing that Hello Kitty latex beds, Hello Kitty S&M floggers, Hello Kitty pasties, Hello Kitty handcuff nightmares and the Hello Kitty love hotel all exist, it shouldn’t be a shock that a Hello Kitty bandage sofa exists:

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Hello Kitty Briefs

Living in Hello Kitty Hell ensures that there are plenty of mentally traumatic experiences that have to be survived on a regular basis. That being said, some of these are much more traumatic than others. The existence of Hello Kitty low rise underwear for men was one such instance and became even more traumatic when a variety of themed Hello Kitty underwear showed up at our door.

Now most people would see the above as proof that the evil feline had finally reached her limits. Of course, they would be wrong. Hello Kitty is always able to make something that one would assume could never get worse, oh so much more so. The Hello Kitty men’s skimpy briefs are further proof of this:

hello kitty manties

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Hello Kitty Bondage Room

One would assume that after the Hello Kitty latex bed there would have been enough Hello Kitty kink for the week, but then that would be greatly underestimating how much Hello Kitty loves her sex. This was made readily apparent when I found out that the Hello Kitty S&M love hotel existing was not enough, and someone felt it essential to build another Hello Kitty bondage room:

hello kitty bondage room

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Hello Kitty Latex Bed

It became obvious long ago that despite the the innocent persona that Hello Kitty tries to cultivate, she has a lot of sex on her mind. There is no other reason that the people at Sanrio revived the Hello Kitty vibrator or that they would allow a campaign like this. This is not to mention the Hello Kitty bondage hotel or the Hello Kitty S&M flogger (I could go on, but I think you get the point). So is it really much of a surprise that there is a Hello Kitty latex bed?

hello kitty latex bed

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Hello Kitty Ultimate Cage Fighting

One would imagine that there would be certain sports where Hello Kitty, no matter how hard she tried, would never be accepted. Of course, that would once again greatly underestimating the evil feline and her quest to put her face absolutely every where. For those of you who still doubt, here is the Hello Kitty extreme cage fighter:

hello kitty cage fighting

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Hello Kitty Sex Doll Harem (possibly NSFW)

One would think that it would be impossible to make a harem of sex dolls stored in the closet any creepier, but that is definitely not the case. That’s because when you place a large Hello Kitty plush on the top shelf to watch over them and a Hello Kitty night light on the floor so they don’t get scared at night, you pretty much have put together the creepiest room possible. To keep my sanity and prevent countless nightmares, I’m not even going to think about why those Hello Kitty items may be there…

Hello Kitty sex doll harem

Sent in by Getsu

Hello Kitty Latex Fashion Show

I knew that I would regret posting the Hello Kitty handbag fashion show video. As soon as the video was posted, other Hello Kitty fashion show videos started appearing in my email box (to my disgust, but to the delight of my wife). Among these was a Hello Kitty latex fashion show (possibly nsfw)…

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Hello Kitty Bloodfest

There are some things about Hello Kitty fanatics I just don’t want to know. Apparently there is a a rave called Bloodfest where “the Infamous Boom Boom does his blood bath performance which is basically simulated sex in a tub full of blood and bones.” This year Boom Boom incorporated the below Hello Kitty plush into the act and for your sanity, I’ll leave out the details of what he did. While this certainly sounds like the crowd where the evil feline belongs, feel free not to share these stories with me in the future:

Hello Kitty Bloodfest

Sent in by Hello Kizee