Hello Kitty Mineral Water

My wife and I were taking a walk today when she asked if I’d like some water. I said “yes” and was handed one of these:

Hello Kitty mineral water

Your eyes do not deceive you. The evil feline has her own line of bottled mineral water which I’m sure they have drugged with something that completely alters your perceptions of reality. I have no doubt about this because that is the only way my wife’s explanation makes any sense when she handed me a bottle: “The reason that it tastes so good and refreshing is that it’s filled with Hello Kitty love.”

Just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Pure Gold Playing Cards

We have already established that there isn’t a single product that Hello Kitty doesn’t love to hijack into her own likeness, but she is also the master of creating events (where no even truly exists) to sell completely useless, overpriced junk that can only leave a normal person shaking their head asking, “Do people really buy that crap?” Of course, the Hello Kitty fanatic takes one look at it and begins drooling uncontrollably, and if she happens to have some poor soul that is her significant other, she begins whining about how much she loves it and just has to have it. That was the basic reaction of my wife when she found out about the pure gold Hello Kitty playing cards Sanrio is releasing for its 33rd Hello Kitty anniversary (33rd anniversary?!? What other company in the world celebrates a 33rd anniversary?):

Hello Kitty pure gold playing cards

Hello Kitty pure gold poker cards

There are 54 cards in the set which includes 2 jokers with each card being made from 0.73 grams of 99.99% pure gold. The gold cards are then laminated in a protective coating and sold for the price of nearly $5000 (567,000 Yen)

So my wife is telling me now that this would be a perfect birthday gift for me because I like to play poker with the guys (right – 1. Like I would ever play poker with Hello kitty playing cards. 2. Like the guys wouldn’t have me instantly committed if I ever brought out a deck of Hello kitty playing cards. 3. Like my wife would ever let me touch $5000 gold playing cards with the intent to play poker with them). Undoubtedly, all I’m going to hear about for the next week is how beautiful these cards are and how much she really wants them. Par for the course in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Shinto Shrine

If anyone thought that Hello Kitty would stop at trying to take over after creating her own western religion and an alternative would have greatly underestimated the world domination plans of this little feline. She also has her hand in Eastern religion with her own shrine with (of course) her as the deity under the Sanrio banner:

Hello Kitty Shinto shrine

And for anyone who doesn’t believe that it is supposed to be a true religious experience, read this description from the Pagan Prattle:

This shrine is not the only religious experience to be had at Puroland. The centrepiece of the establishment is the enormous Wisdom Tree. A path winds up the tree, alongside which are small shrines and altars to the various Sanrio characters. At the very top, you go inside the tree and encounter yet another shrine. This one is Hello Kitty’s Bell of Happiness. There appears to be no source of water for ritual purification (maybe nothing is impure once it has entered Kitty’s domain?) but, apart from that, the ritual is the same as at any other Shinto shrine. You approach the altar, and ring the bell, bow a couple of times, then clap your hands twice, then bow again. There is no collecting box in front of the altar but, as at many other Shinto shrines, you can buy an ema – a special card – on which you write your wish and hang up on a special frame located nearby.

As would be expected, my wife thinks this is wonderful. She wants to place a mini shrine in our house (like all the Hello Kitty crap isn’t enough) so that we can pray directly each morning to the feline goddess — “She would make sure that each day would be filled with love and joy” is her take on it although I prefer to substitute “love” with “despair” and “joy with “pain” which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Katy (via Pagan Prattle) who should be forced to kneel down in front of Hello Kitty 12 hours a day as penance for thinking sending me this was a good idea.

Hello Kitty Bluetooth Wireless Earphones

Earphones seem to be a theme of late. Since Hello Kitty has never found a technology she didn’t like and want to Kittify (actually, as this blog plainly shows, she has never found anything that she wasn’t willing to Kittify), it really came as no surprise when my wife found a Hello Kitty bluetooth wireless earphone set:

Hello Kitty bluetooth

At a cost of $135 (15,750 Yen), the worst part isn’t the price, but that Sanrio has decided to advertise these earphones toward males saying that they’re great for listening to music, school courses, the TV and while playing video games. This, of course, gives the Hello Kitty fanatic the right (in her mind) to insist that her significant other absolutely needs the item (because when has Sanrio ever been wrong?). While I must admit that I wouldn’t mind having wireless bluetooth earphones, one plastered with the evil feline would simply be one more thing to add to my Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Headphones

Not satisfied with only having the Hello Kitty earphone charms, my wife decided that she needed her headphones to be branded with the omnipresent feline. As is no surprise, she found exactly what she was looking for:

Hello Kitty headphones

Hello Kitty headphones

Hello Kitty headphones

My wife knows that I like music and she got to get me to wear them by telling me the sound was fantastic (yes, I know that if I had even thought about that statement for a split second that I may have saved myself from what was to come. It is impossible for someone who believes the Hello Kitty theme song is good music to have any idea about what good sound is…)

While the event has likely scarred me for life and I’m already showing signs of post traumatic syndrome, I did learn something from the experience. No matter how bad the Hello Kitty theme song sounds over lousy Hello Kitty speakers, it is infinitely worse when wearing Hello Kitty headphones.

Seeing the winces of pain cross my face as I struggled to get the headphones off as quickly as possible before my brain melted, my wife (obviously believing that my contorted facial expressions were some type of appreciation for Hello Kitty) smiled and said, “You should listen to more. You look good wearing Hello Kitty headphones (yeah right – tell me one guy who “looks good” wearing anything Hello Kitty?)

My theory is that the sound waves from the theme song being so close to my ear drums basically have the same effect as an alien probing my brain with sharp objects and no anesthesia or possibly a microwave cooking it into mush. I have no doubt that I’ll need years of therapy to come to terms with the awful experience and the worst part is that it was nothing out of the ordinary for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…

From Patrícia who should have to listen to the Hello Kitty theme song on a daily basis for even thinking of sending these to me…

Hello Kitty WordPress Theme

For those of you who have been following this blog for awhile, you may have noticed I recently changed the look of the blog. While I eventually chose the theme that you see in front of you, my wife thought that I should go with the Hello Kitty WordPress theme:

Hello Kitty wordpress theme

Yes, you know things are bad when the evil Kitty has her own WordPress theme. Of course, it makes no sense that this blog would go with such a cutesy theme, but we must once again remember that making sense and being a fanatic of that feline animation character tend to go together as well as oil and water. My wife’s rational for the cute HK theme? “No matter what you write and how much you say bad things about Hello Kitty, most of your readers are Hello Kitty fans. You should appreciate them more and show that appreciation by using the HK theme.” Ouch — one more reminder that I live in Hello Kitty Hell…

No matter, my chosen theme represents how I feel about the cat who is slowly taking over the world (and the dancing devil was starting to drive me nuts). I would like to send out a big thank you to SofaShark who gave me permission to use the image for the header that does so well represent the current life I lead…

Hello Kitty Pirate Tattoo

I guess something like this shouldn’t surprise me. If there is a Hello Kitty Star Wars stormtrooper tattoo and a Hello Kitty zombie tattoo, it was only inevitable that someone would get a Hello Kitty pirate tattoo (especially with the recent Hello Kitty skull bow tattoo):

Hello Kitty pirate tattoo

Of course, my wife loves it, especially the heart shaped eye patch. And since it was a guy that got it (what is it with guys getting Hello Kitty tattoos? It’s a nightmare come true for me because every time this happens, my wife gives me the “you don’t appreciate Hello Kitty as much as other guys do” lecture), I have to go through another round of explaining why there is no way in Hello Kitty Hell that I’m going to get one. Another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by lovelyhk (via ohxcrap) who should definitely have to get a tattoo with the Hello Kitty prison tattoo gun for even thinking sending this to me was a good idea.

Hello Kitty Fanatic On Tyra Banks

Reminder – it’s today

Time to mark your TV calendar and set your recording devices. I received an email from another poor soul that lives in Hello Kitty Hell letting me know that he and his girlfriend will be on the Tyra Banks show this Thursday, September 20th to talk about his girlfriend’s Hello Kitty fanaticism. I’m not sure if it is a comfort or an extremely distressing revelation that there is another Hello Kitty fanatic out there that is so obsessed that she warrants time on the mid-day talk shows. Even scarier is that fact that no matter how bad she is, my wife is likely infinitely worse.

If that portion of the show becomes available, let me know and I will post it here so everyone can cringe in horror at what life with a Hello Kitty fanatic is like…

Hello Kitty Car Rims

I have avoided talking about our car and the continual Hello Kittification of it lately. The reason is simple. The damn thing just freaks me out more and more every time I look at it. All those little Hello Kitty modifications add up over time and it’s embarrassing to be seen in it. It’s not going to be long before my wife orders a pink paint job on the thing which will be the end of me ever riding in it (even though I opt to walk now if possible). Just to give you a glimpse of where it’s heading, my wife told me that she wanted to buy Hello Kitty car rims for it:

Hello Kitty car rims

Hello Kitty car rims

Hello Kitty car rims

Hello Kitty tire rims

No, your eyes do not deceive you. There are people out there that believe that Hello Kitty car rims are “the cutest thing ever” such as my wife. She thinks that these aluminum rims will add the perfect touch to our car for a mere $900 (105,000 Yen) and be the perfect compliment to the Hello Kitty exhaust pipe. She especially likes that the spokes on the rims have different Hello Kitty expressions including a normal expression, a surprised expression and a winking Kitty. I’m surprised that Sanrio just didn’t go with the classic 1974 version that appears to be flipping you off because that would be much more appropriate for these. The worst part? It’s all part of a normal day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Update: And, yes, it can get worse…

pink Hello Kitty car rims and tires

Sent in by stellis

hello kitty pink car rims

Sent in by Halley

Hello Kitty bow tire rims

Sent in by Brian

Hello Kitty Epson Laptop Computer

Seriously, how many Hello Kitty computer themes do you really need in this world? There was a time not too long ago that you had to pimp out your own Hello Kitty computer, but that is far from the case these days as Hello Kitty Laptops are now made. In fact, it seems with all the Hello Kitty computer cuteness around, launching a single Hello Kitty laptop theme isn’t enough – so Epson decided to launch two Hello Kitty monogrammed Hello Kitty themes at once to give choice (or if you happen to be a Hello Kitty fanatic like my wife, you want both):

Hello Kitty Epson Laptop

Hello Kitty Epson Computer

You can even choose one of two themes that you want installed on the laptop:

Theme 1

Hello Kitty Epson Computer theme

Hello Kitty Epson Computer theme

Theme 2

Hello Kitty Epson laptop theme

Hello Kitty Epson laptop theme

I can tell you right now that one day having to look at those Hello Kitty icons on my computer and I would be doing serious bodily injury to myself. It would be a nightmare come true. Of course, my wife thinks that the themes are “the cutest things ever” (yeah, I know. I won’t go into another rant about how everything Hello Kitty is the “cutest ever”)

The Epson A4 Hello Kitty Monogrammed Laptop weighs in at 3 kilograms, comes with Windows Vista installed, has an 80GB hard drive with 1GB of memory and a Celeron M 430 (1.73 GHz) chip all for $1,640 (189,000 Yen).

I’m coming to the conclusion that Sanrio employees are monitoring this blog and coming up with these new Hello Kitty items as part of a concerted effort to make my Hello Kitty Hell more hellish. It’s seems quite convenient that after my post about the Hello Kitty wedding rings and how I may have to find an alternative for them, these computers appear for the exact same price. Par for the course in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Wedding Ring

It would seem that I would be thanking Sanrio for not creating these until after I was already married, but Hello Kitty Hell doesn’t make something like this simply disappear due to timing. While Hello Kitty wedding rings weren’t around when my wife and I got married, their appearance so close to our 10th anniversary has my wife trying to convince me that this is exactly what we need to celebrate the occasion:

Hello Kitty wedding ring

Hello Kitty wedding men's ring

Hello Kitty wedding ladies' ring

Hello Kitty wedding ring pair

It would be bad enough if I had to give her a Hello Kitty wedding ring, but it’s even worse that they come in a matching pair with Hello Kitty engraved on the inside meaning that I would also have to wear a Hello Kitty wedding ring. Sanrio, in their marketing genius, have set this up as a no win situation for any man living in Hello Kitty Hell. While the bride’s ring has Hello Kitty prominently on the outside, Hello Kitty is hidden on the inner circle of the ring on the groom’s ring — apparently even they realized the backlash if they had tried to place Hello Kitty’s face on the outside, but this strategic placement gives the bride negotiating room to argue that it is not nearly as bad as it could have been.

In reality, having Hello Kitty on the inside isn’t any better. Just the thought that I am somehow defacto married to Hello Kitty as well makes my heart seize up and gives my stomach that wonderful nauseating feeling you get before you have to run to the toilet to vomit.

Of course, the wedding rings don’t come cheap when Hello Kitty lends her face to them. The platinum Hello Kitty wedding rings run $1,640 (189,000 Yen) with the bride’s ring getting two minuscule diamond chips (0.02ct ) added to either side of Hello Kitty’s face. I’m actually surprised that they are Pepto Bismol pink.

So once again the Hello Kitty quandary arises. If I don’t get the rings, I will have to get something Hello Kitty that could be just as awful (or even worse) to placate not getting them. Either way I lose and Hello Kitty wins which is almost always the case in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Slinky

When I first saw this, I thought I might have some fun making it go down long flights of stairs until it eventually showed the wear and tear of countless missteps along the way. No such luck because it isn’t a Hello Kitty slinky:

Hello Kitty slinky

but a Hello Kitty letter holder. So instead of getting to rough Hello Kitty up, I have to see her each day as my wife has decided to place all my mail into it when it comes. Just like Hello Kitty Hell to give me a glimmer of hope that I could actually abuse Hello Kitty, and then have the hope quickly taken away…

Hello Kitty Sex Toy 2

If you have been reading this blog for awhile, then you may remember that I came across an item that I initially thought was some kind of weirded out Hello Kitty sex toy, but ultimately ended up being something else. You can imagine my surprise when this arrived in the mail:

Hello Kitty ???

Hello Kitty mystery

Hello Kitty wtf

Hello Kitty sex toy

I must admit that my mind did travel there again for a split second (hey, I’m a guy), but I did fully recover before blurting out something that likely would have put me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.

At least I feel much better these days about previously being ignorant to what these really are. We had friends stop by and while my wife’s girlfriend new exactly what they were and picked them up (they were sitting on the table after she had just unpacked them), her husband almost had a Hello Kitty heart attack – an expression that I remember crossing my face the first time I saw them. It’s not often that Hello Kitty Hell makes me laugh, but I did have to let out a smile at that…

Hello Kitty Devoted Boyfriend

Even though I specifically say not to email where to find Hello Kitty items, I still receive emails asking me where to find them. This has lead me to several theories. 1) Hello Kitty fanatics can’t read. 2) Hello Kitty fanatics don’t understand the meaning of the words “I’m not going to tell you.” 3) Hello Kitty fanatics believe that they are more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than every other Hello Kitty fanatic and therefore the rules that apply to normal Hello Kitty fanatics don’t apply to them. So despite me explicitly saying that I will not tell and that they should not email me, they still do. Here is the latest email I received:

I’m going to be forward with you. I realize that you don’t provide the whereabouts of your featured merchandise, but I’m going to try to convince you, in this isolated instance, to reconsider your position. Allow me to explain.

1. I do not know why you feel the need to stand as the unmoving guardian of the fine products you display. Perhaps it is genuine hatred of Hello Kitty and her “fanatics.” However, I think not. The idea that someone would erect, and maintain, a site dedicated to the thing they hate most in life, and that the site would so closely detail and celebrate said thing, is not alone preposterous. It is not uncommon to come across blogs dedicated to the demise of various celebrities, or whatever. However, these sites, unlike your own, do not become so comparable to fan sites as to ACTUALLY ATTRACT REAL FANS of the hated “thing.” In fact, I believe in your Hello Kitty Whiners entry you mention that when someone hates something so much that they wish it would disappear, they are more prone to ignore the “thing” than revel in it. I believe your mentality was “If you don’t like my blog, don’t visit it. Dumbass.” Therefore, I believe the blog allows you a vent for your frustration living in a house surrounded by your hated “thing.” Like so many other bloggers, you are frustrated and feel thwarted. If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.

2. I assume that because you agree to live in a home filled with Hello Kitty paraphernalia you must love your wife very dearly.

3. I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.

These three points bring me to my request: I am in desperate search of the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium your wife acquired. Please tell me where I can find one.

I will understand if you chose not to accommodate my request. However, I ask you to consider yourself in a situation which I believe you may have literally encountered before. I ask you to consider the one piece of your wife’s collection she has never attained. Think of that one piece which she turns over in her mind like a shining gem, anxiously awaiting the day it will be hers. For my girlfriend, that item is the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium.

Since a young age my girlfriend has had two great loves: Hello Kitty and Mermaids. Because your wife is collector, I do not feel that I need to say more. You will understand completely when I tell you that my girlfriend still has the first Hello Kitty Mermaid item she ever saw, a wrinkled old sticker which she stole off of another girl’s binder in the 6th grade.

I ask you to consider the look on your wife’s face as she unwraps your surprise gift to her, and discovers it is the Hello Kitty item of her dreams. Then imagine the look in her eyes when they meet your own. You, the husband who erected “Hello Kitty Hell” and who, presumably, gives her hell daily about her collection, sought out that one item she herself could never find. Then you managed to get one for her. I want to see that look for I too am the boyfriend who constantly nags about the Hello Kitty (and mermaid) shit EVERYWHERE.

Please consider revising your opinion just this once. Tell me where to find the Hello Kitty USB Mermaid Aquarium.

Thank you,
A devoted boyfriend

Here are some of my thoughts on this email:

1. I have extreme reservations whenever I receive an email like this that it is actually from a boyfriend and not the Hello Kitty fanatic herself because, being a guy, this is not the type of letter a guy writes. It is a letter that a Hello Kitty fanatic would write pretending to be a boyfriend:

A) A boyfriend would write: My girlfriend is driving me nuts so tell me where I can get the %#$@**&^!! thing so 1) I don’t have to listen to any more of this Hello Kitty crap. 2) I can get some tonight instead of sleeping on the couch. 3) I don’t have to buy anything Hello Kitty for another year.

B) Only a Hello Kitty fanatic would feel compelled to write: “I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.” Why would a Hello Kitty fanatic boyfriend ever think that? A boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic would know that there was no way that I would even consider that he thought I was evil, that I would only have sympathy for him. The only ones that consider me evil and have ever written that to me are Hello Kitty fanatics, so to stress (or to even mention, for that matter) that the writer doesn’t think that I’m evil would only come from someone who might actually think that I was – a Hello Kitty fanatic.

C) Guys don’t shout in the middle of explanations with capital letters, Hello Kitty fanatics do.

D) Guys don’t have email addresses with words like “green tea” in them.

These are the points that quickly tipped me off that this really wasn’t a boyfriend writing, but a Hello Kitty fanatic attempting to make me believe that she was a boyfriend in hopes this would result in more sympathy from me (see the lengths that Hello Kitty fanatics go to try and find the Hello Kitty crap they want). I’m sure there are many others if I was willing to take the time to read it more thoroughly…

2. Hello Kitty fanatics think that I’m holding some secret knowledge from them of where to get these things. I honestly don’t know. Further more, I could care less where they come from (although I do wish they wouldn’t all end up in our house). Yes, it is true that if I really wanted to find out, I could take the time and make the effort to talk to my wife and find out where to get them. I don’t do this because 1) I have no desire to spend my free time doing this. 2) While Hello Kitty fanatics think that doing so would be a nice favor, I see it as a disservice to all mankind. 3) It would encourage my wife into thinking that I cared about Hello Kitty and as you can already tell, she doesn’t need any encouragement in that department.

3. It is the true irony of Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty fanatics like this blog. It just shows that their fanaticism is so great that even when someone makes fun of the things they want to buy and they should be offended and walk away, they can’t because it is something that they want so much they keep coming back.

4. Only a Hello Kitty fanatic could write this sentence: “If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.” I have no desire to ruin anyone’s day. I’m a pretty positive guy which I think shows in that I’m still alive and haven’t committed suicide living in the Hello Kitty Hell that I do. Anyone who is not a Hello Kitty fanatic would not even comprehend that by not telling someone where they can buy something Hello kitty could ruin that person’s day. When your happiness depends on whether or not you can get a Sanrio character item, then you have moved beyond the comprehension of all normal people.

5. If I am wrong and you are truly the boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic (highly doubtful), I am doing you a huge favor. If you manage to track down this item for your girlfriend, she will expect you to track down every Hello Kitty item that she wants in the future. See, with Hello Kitty fanaticism, it never stops. There is never a last item. Sanrio will never run out of stuff to Hello Kittify because they are willing to Hello Kittify anything and everything. Your girlfriend won’t be disappointed if you can’t give this to her because she never expected that you could find it in the first place since she couldn’t find it herself. By not getting it you will not be beholden to find new Hello Kitty stuff in the future without suffering any consequences for not getting it for her. You’re welcome.

Hello Kitty Digital Camera – Fuji Film FinePix Z5

It didn’t take long for my wife to find something to match her hideously Hello Kitty pimped out cell phone that she is trying to convince me that I need because it comes with a “blog” function (whatever that means, but it is how they are advertising it) and since I write this blog about Hello Kitty (even though it’s anti Hello Kitty) my wife thinks it would be a good idea if I used this Hello Kitty digital camera (Fuji Film FinePix Z5) to take photos for this blog:

Hello Kitty digital camera FinePix

Hello Kitty digital camera

Hello Kitty digital camera back

Hello Kitty camera

Hello Kitty Fuji Film Z5

Hello Kitty FinePix Z5

Of course, the actual quality of the camera is of secondary importance to my wife. She just cares that it has Hello Kitty on the front made from Swarovski crystal beads and that the Z5 lights up in the dark. Nor does it bother her that it costs just over $500 (57,750 yen) as long as Hello Kitty adorns the outside.

Hello Kitty Hell will certainly reach a new level if I have to travel around Japan taking photos for my blogs with this camera bling…

Hello Kitty Yoga Mat

I should know by now that there is no such thing as a normal conversation when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. If the conversation has anything to do with something that might be needed, I will find it at our doorstep a week later in all its Hello Kittiness. That is how the Hello Kitty yoga mat arrived:

Hello Kitty yoga mat

Hello Kitty yoga mat

Hello Kitty yoga mat

This is the conversation that lead to the arrival of the Hello Kitty yoga mat:

wife: “Isn’t that uncomfortable?”

me: (doing stretches for my back) “Not really. It’s not too hard here”

wife: “But wouldn’t it be more comfortable with a mat?”

me: “Maybe, but it doesn’t seem worth the trouble of buying one. It’s not that bad.”

wife: “hmmmmm”

That was the entire conversation. Now that I think back on it, I should have known that something Hello Kitty Hellish would take place. When my wife says, “hmmmmm” it means she’s thinking and when she is thinking, that invariably means it has something to do with Hello Kitty. Of course, when I saw it, my initial reaction was:

me: “Honey, what’s that?” (thinking: “wtf is going on here?”)

wife: “It’s the workout mat you wanted.” (no tone of sarcasm at all – as if this is what I had truly requested)

me: “I didn’t say I wanted a workout mat…” (thinking: “did I say I wanted a workout mat?”)

wife: “Sure you did.” (still smiling)

me: “No, I think I said that I was just fine…” (still thinking: “did I say I wanted a workout mat?”)

wife: “You said it would be more comfortable with a mat, so I bought you a mat. Don’t you like it?”

me: “It’s fine, but…” (thinking: “uh oh, this is not a good turn in the conversation”)

wife: “But???” (her tone raising to the Hello Kitty Hellish level)

me: “but… but… (thinking hard how to escape without having to spend the night on the couch in the Hello kitty sleeping bag)…I don’t think Hello Kitty would appreciate me sweating all over her. (thinking: whew, that was a close one and a damn good come back if I do say so myself)

wife: “You can exercise, but you can’t sweat on Hello Kitty.” (in a stern voice as an order)

me: “Umm, then I can’t use the mat because I sweat when I exercise.” (thinking: cool, I’m getting out of this one)

wife: “You can only use it when you stretch. When you do your sit-ups, you can’t use it.”

me: “Then why do I need the mat at all? (thinking: “oops, that shouldn’t have slipped out…this is going to mean trouble…”)

wife: (raising the Hello Kitty Hell eyebrow and using the Hello Kitty Hell voice of question) “You don’t appreciate that I got this for your health?”

me: “No, I greatly appreciate it…” (backpedaling as quickly as possible thinking: “this is not going to end well”)

wife: “Good. Then you can use it for stretching, but not for exercise. And you may want to use it under the Hello Kitty sleeping bag as well” (as she pointed toward the closet)

So now I must use the Hello Kitty yoga mat for my daily stretching (or face the Hello Kitty Hell wrath of why I am not using it since my wife bought it for me), but can’t use it when I’m doing my exercises (when I really need it the most). I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does in Hello Kitty Hell. I can also tell you there is nothing less manly than doing stretches on a Hello Kitty yoga mat. And so Hello Kitty Hell continues…

Hello Kitty iPod Earphone Charms

We have already established that Hello Kitty will Hello Kittify virtually everything even to the point of creating the most useless Hello Kitty product ever. Of course, having invented the most useless product ever, she couldn’t stop there and had to try and outdo herself. Thus, we have the Hello Kitty earphone charms:

Hello Kitty Earphone Charm

Hello Kitty Earbud Charm

Hello Kitty Earphone Charms

Taking this to the next logical step (at least for Sanrio and Hello Kitty fans) we should be seeing an accessory for the Hello Kitty earphone charms in the not too distant future (you know, while you just shook your head at the complete stupidity of that last sentence, someone at Sanrio just took it and is now making a presentation on what a great idea it is and telling their boss that even further down the road they can make Hello Kitty accessories for the Hello Kitty accessories, for the Hello Kitty earphone charms).

Of course, my wife thinks it’s a brilliant idea (would you expect anything else?) Yet another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Skull Bow Tattoo

There are Hello Kitty tattoos. There are Hello Kitty combination tattoos. There are Hello Kitty tattoos on dogs, above breasts and in the form of zombies. What these all had in common was that they were tattooed onto Hello Kitty fanatics of the female persuasion. Apparently there are also men that feel a permanent etching of Hello Kitty on their skin is an appropriate sign of affection for this feline monstrosity:

Hello Kitty Skull Bow Tattoo

Now that my wife knows that a man is willing to get a Hello Kitty tattoo, she has begun to think that I should also be willing to get one. “Honey, don’t you think you’d look absolutely charming with a Hello Kitty tattoo that matches mine?” I’m relating much too closely to how that tattooed dog must have felt and things can’t get much more Hello Kitty Hellish than that…

Sent in by Scott, who should have to get his own Hello Kitty tattoo (actually multiple Hello Kitty tattoos) for giving my wife one of the worst Hello Kitty Hell ideas she has ever had