It really is pretty pathetic when the character who is supposed to spread love and happiness to all has so many Hello Kitty gun models out there that she could start her own army — and that it’s gotten to the point where seeing a new gun isn’t really a surprise anymore. Even more disturbing, you know that there will continue to be more and more because the evil feline will brand anything to earn an extra buck. So one might make the mistake and imagine that we’d seen the worst when it came to the one with no mouth and firearms, but anyone who has followed this blog knows that doing so merely means that you’re deluding yourself because it appears that she is now looking to produce a line of Hello Kitty tipped bullets (far more terrifying than any hollow point bullet)
Note: Due to a DMCA copyright notice from the lawyers of Sanrio, we were forced to censor this image
When it comes to Thanksgiving and giving thanks to the things in our lives, I think I can say with a fair amount of certainty that the evil feline invading my life is not something which will ever make my list. In fact, Hello Kitty is pretty much the opposite of anything that anyone should be thankful for, and definitely not something that most people want to see on a day of giving thanks. Apparently the people at Macy’s see things a bit differently and want to inflict a new kind of misery upon the masses since the old version didn’t seem to be bad enough (with the obvious consequences that everyone will be relieving themselves of their Thanksgiving Day meal). Thus Macy’s has seen fit to introduce a new Hello Kitty Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon:
It seems that when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, the evil feline derives a sadistic pleasure in trying to find ways to ruin any and all things that might provide the tiniest bit of pleasurable relief from her existence. Take, for example, going to the movie theater. One would assume that barring having to sit through some type of unfathomably tortuous Hello Kitty movie, the theater would be a pretty safe place to escape from the horrendous onslaught of all things with the mouthless cat on them. Of course, that assumption would be a huge mistake because it has been well established that there is virtually nothing that she hasn’t branded in some way. It seems that nobody will now be able to go to a movie theater without the fear that they’ll end up sitting in a nightmare of a place like this:
In today’s political climate, there seems to be very little that conservatives and liberals can agree upon. At first glance, there could be nothing worse in conservative minds than the reelection of Obama, while liberal cringe at the thought of a president Romney. But the reality is that there is one things which we can all can agree would be the worst thing possible no matter your party affiliation:
I thought when I received a Hello Kitty glasses that things couldn’t get any worse. How wrong I was. I should know by now that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell. For some unfathomable reason, someone upon seeing the glasses thought it would actually be a good idea to send me something else that places unimaginable fear into my life. So what could be worse than micro dot pink bow Hello Kitty glasses? How about a pair of Hello Kitty contact lenses?
Of course, I immediately thought of my Hello Kitty contacts post and realized that if I want to keep what little sanity I still have left, I can never let my wife wear these.
I really have no idea why anybody would want to actually wear a pair of these contacts except if they were looking to alienate every single person that actually cares about them. If you think about it, there is something so disturbingly wrong with having to look at somebody with Hello Kitty eyes that there really should be some type of law against it. It’s a thing of nightmares. It’s the type of stuff that Stephen King cannot even imagine. It’s taking the worst torture possible, and elevating it another hundred levels. Seriously, can you think of anything more horrific or spine chilling than having to actually look at somebody with these contacts in their eyes? You know that these are what you’re going to be staring directly into when the Judgement Day comes.
Apparently these come in a variety of different colors, but I have absolutely no idea what color the ones sent to me are (and there is no way in Hello Kitty Hell that I’m going to open them up and to find out). I imagine that they are the color that would make any sane person want to instantly vomit.
If you enter this contest, you agree that you are over 18 years old and that you aren’t stupid enough to actually stick this crap in your eyes. This is a novelty item. I have no doubt that if you were to stick anything Hello Kitty into your eyes, you would regret it for the rest of your life. It really doesn’t matter if they are “contact lenses” — the result of doing so is not going to and good. Just don’t do it. If you get these, destroy them. They should not be placed into your eyes, and you take 100% responsibility for your own idiotic tendencies.
Just when you think that everything that could possibly be branded with the evil feline, something else ends up in my email box. Once again, Star Wars fans die a little inside with the Hello Kitty Tie Fighter
If there was ever a doubt (which there certainly shouldn’t exist at this point) that the evil feline was willing to do absolutely anything to earn a buck (do we really need to revisit the whole Hello Kitty vibrator incident?), we now have an additional piece of evidence: The Hello Kitty Chia Pet — seriously, you can’t make this crap up…
One of the worst things about my life is that people actually think it’s a good idea to send my wife all kinds of Hello Kitty crap. Believe me, the last thing in the world that is needed around my house is anything with the evil feline on it. In most cases, it’s unavoidable that it enters her collection because I have no idea what has been ordered and what hasn’t, but a few days ago a package arrived with a message on the outside that indicated that whatever was inside was a gift (“A little something for Mrs. HKH”). I stealthily brought it inside and opened it to find the following letter:
Dear Mrs. HKH,
I love Hello Kitty almost as much as you do. I’m jealous that you are able to get so many Hello Kitty products that I can only dream of having one day. The one thing that I do love the most in my collection are my Hello Kitty glasses. Everyone compliments me when they see them and tells me how great they look. I am sending you a pair because I know that you will love them as much as I do!
As you can plainly see, they’re quite hideous and undoubtedly created to inflict the greatest amount of pain on anyone who happens to come in contact with the fanatic delusional enough to wear them:
In the rare situation when I find myself in possession of something that my wife has no idea about, there is only one thing to do — get rid of it before she discovers it. The preferable course of action would be to take a hammer and let all my frustration loose, but that could leave tell-tale signs which would inevitably lead me to having to spend large amounts of time on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.
Instead, I will secretly do a little test to see how many of you out there have no qualms of willingly torturing those you love by forcing this painful look on them…
Well, I guess if you’re going to go into a zombie fight against the evil feline (which is undoubtedly how the world will end, because there is simply nothing that could be more terrifying than the Hello Kitty apocalypse), you are going to need to prepare yourself against more than a Hello Kitty chainsaw since you know you will be fighting horrors like this and this. Obviously, the Hello Kitty hatchet will be their weapon of choice when they come after you at a short distance:
One of the most disturbing aspects of living in Hello Kitty Hell is that it becomes painfully obvious that the people at Sanrio truly believe that if they simply put a bow on anything, this makes that thing cute. That, and the overwhelming fact that they simply can’t leave bad ideas alone, but feel it necessary to double down on them. By doing so, they make what any rational person would believe were the worst possible creations somehow even more disturbing.
So it really should not come as a surprise that at a recent Hello Kitty exhibit that a Hello Kitty toilet would be featured. Of course, the evil feline couldn’t simply leave it at that. Instead, she decided that since there seemed to be so much interest in Hello kitty poo (including in toothpaste form) that it would be cute to leave some with a bow on it in the Hello Kitty toilet (seriously, you can’t make these things up)
I swear the people at Sanrio aren’t even trying anymore. They are sitting in their office cubicles and seem to be actively trying to figure out something so ridiculously stupid that not even Hello Kitty fanatics will buy it. Of course, they are failing miserably at this mission.
Seriously, this really shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s already been well established that Hello Kitty will do whatever it takes to make a buck even if that means combining two previously terrible ideas together to form something that undoubtedly signals the coming of the end of the world. I have already had my run-ins with the wife concerning Hello Kitty toilet paper. Then the was the partnership between the evil feline and KISS which only confirmed that Sanrio has a special knack for making others sell-out in the biggest way possible. Any normal person would have stopped in complete embarrassment at that point, but that’s not how things work in Hello Kitty Hell. Instead, the people at Sanrio came up with the “brilliant” idea to combine these two failures to produce Hello Kitty KISS toilet paper:
While I am pretty sure that all Hello Kitty fanatics are going to deeply regret their tattoos, there are definitely some that are going to regret them more than others. My guess is that this Hello Kitty face tattoo is one that is going to fall into the category of “more than others.”
The problem of living my life is that there is no relief from Hello Kitty no matter the season. It simply seems that things get worse and worse as the years go by with each season getting worse than the last. A perfect example is that in winter there is a snowboard covered with the evil feline, so in summer there would undoubtedly be a surfboard. Since I have to deal with Hello Kitty snowmen in winter, it really shouldn’t be a surprise that now that summer is here, I will have to deal with Hello Kitty sand sculptures:
Yet again, the evil feline shows that she can’t leave a bad idea alone. After torturing an entire city with a Hello Kitty tram, anyone with even an ounce of sense would have hoped that this eye-gouging worthy sight would never have to be seen again. Of course, Sanrio couldn’t leave those in Europe as the only ones with scarred minds, so they decided to see if a Hello Kitty street car in Australia would have similar effects:
I guess this really should be expected. With all the types of Hello Kitty breakfasts including pancakes and waffles, you knew that the evil feline wasn’t going to pass up the opportunity to make even more money on everyone’s morning meal. So it makes perfect sense (in a horrible, “why am I still living in this world?” sort of way) that there would be Hello Kitty maple syrup:
It’s not often I come across a Hello Kitty product where I’m not sure whether to hate it or love it. The mere fact that it’s yet another product depicting the evil feline produces instant loathing, but if I had to have something adorned with Ms Kitty White, I think the Hello Kitty knife set would be high on the list:
It has already been well established that the evil feline is more than willing to pimp out anything that she feels will earn her a buck and that Hello Kitty loves her booze, so I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised by this. It seems that a single type of Hello Kitty vodka is not enough — and apparently not kid friendly enough as well. Thus the introduction of Hello Kitty Pink Goose vodka:
The danger with ever posting anything on this blog is that there is a good chance that whatever is posted is not the only one that exists with the evil feline on it, and someone is bound to send me other examples to completely ruin my day. While every guy in the universe secretly hoped that there was only one Hello Kitty engagement ring that ever existed, that is unfortunately not the case as can be seen by this Hello Kitty heart diamond engagement ring:
I don’t know why I hope that the evil feline will somehow come to her senses and leave her already terrible ideas alone so that the world can have at least a bit of sanity. She proves time and again that she doesn’t know how to leave a bad idea alone. It was horrific enough when Hello Kitty condoms appeared, but apparently the people at Sanrio decided that they needed something a little more. Their solution was Hello Kitty flavored condoms:
What do you get from a want-to-be TV reality star teen (Courtney Stodden) who marries a 51-year-old actor (Doug Hutchison)? You get a video like this which Courtney obviously thinks is “cute” (how can you not think that as she coughs up a hairball?) but should help purge your stomach of all if its contents with ease (warning: this video can’t be unseen)