I knew that once the Hello Kitty Christmas tree showed up in my email before December even began that things weren’t going to go well this holiday season. This feeling was confirmed when someone, for some unfathomable reason, thought it would be a good idea to send me a photo of Hello Kitty Christmas ornaments:
Just in case you were under the deluded impression that Hello Kitty was somehow not wanting to be on absolutely anything and everything that exists, I present the Hello Kitty bullet proof mask:
Leave it to Hello Kitty fanatics to not have the patience (or common decency) to start sending me horrible reminders of what the next month is going to be like in Hello Kitty Hell. First there was the Hello Kitty Christmas tree which soon lead to another Christmas tree before the floodgates opened (which created a strong case in favor of those who believe the world isn’t worth saving). Was there really any doubt that there would be more Hello Kitty Christmas trees?
One of the worst parts of living in Hello Kitty Hell is how the evil feline manages to ruin all types of food. It has already been well established that no food is off limits to her commercialization, and she once again proves that with stunning clarity. Anyone who loves Mexican food should be shedding more than a few tears over the Hello Kitty soft taco tortilla:
The simple fact that anyone could even conceive of this club, let alone that it actually exists, scares the Hello Kitty Hell out of me. There really isn’t any more that needs to be said about the Hello Kitty Athletic Club:
The people at Sanrio have gotten to the point that they aren’t even trying anymore. Seriously. The don’t care at all because they know that the fanatics will buy anything. I think they have even reached the point of actively trying to see if they can find anything that Hello Kitty fanatics won’t buy. There really is no other explanation for the Hello Kitty sandwich ring:
We all instinctively know that Hello Kitty guns are an extremely bad idea. There is no need to show us. In fact, we also know instinctively that if we did see a fanatic with guns that we would cringe in the best case scenario and our brains would be scarred for life in the worst. This photo dramatically shows us the worst case scenario:
I figured that if I could survive the excruciating pain of having to see all the hideous Hello Kitty Halloween pumpkin creations, I would no longer have to worry about the evil feline being carved into fruits. Unfortunately, I once again greatly underestimated the true diabolical nature within her soul when I was shown a carved Hello Kitty watermelon:
If you have to ask “When is Hello Kitty’s birthday?” or don’t instantly know that it’s November 1, 1974, then consider yourself one of the luckiest people on the planet. If you do know that November first is Hello Kitty’s birthday, you either have been endowed with an unfortunate intellect which for some unimaginable reason gives you the misguided sense to be a fanatic, or have the truly horrible misfortune to be close to a fanatic. And while it’s a truly sad existence to find yourself in either one of the two latter situations, I do believe that everyone should be wished the very best on their birthday. It’s with this in mind that I recalled the one Hello Kitty cake that I could get behind and once again present it to Hello Kitty on her birthday.