If there was ever any doubt that the people at Sanrio aren’t even trying anymore (and there really is no doubt at all), the latest Hello Kitty creation should even convince the most skeptical. It has become readily apparent that they know that no matter what they make, fanatics of the evil feline will buy it. Case in point, the Hello Kitty chicken reversible plush:
The sad thing is that although we all already know that Hello Kitty has completely sold out (think Hello Kitty vibrators or Hello Kitty Hooters), this doesn’t stop others from collaborating with the evil feline and confirming that they, too, have completely sold out. There really is no other explanation for the Hello Kitty KISS collaboration:
As if there was really a need to have one more reason to want this season to end as quickly as possible (see Hello Kitty Christmas trees and Hello Kitty ornaments if you had any doubts), this should quickly put the question to rest: a Hello Kitty Christmas music video that is guaranteed to haunt you long after the new year begins (you have been warned)
Leave it to Hello Kitty fanatics to not have the patience (or common decency) to start sending me horrible reminders of what the next month is going to be like in Hello Kitty Hell. First there was the Hello Kitty Christmas tree which soon lead to another Christmas tree before the floodgates opened (which created a strong case in favor of those who believe the world isn’t worth saving). Was there really any doubt that there would be more Hello Kitty Christmas trees?
We all instinctively know that Hello Kitty guns are an extremely bad idea. There is no need to show us. In fact, we also know instinctively that if we did see a fanatic with guns that we would cringe in the best case scenario and our brains would be scarred for life in the worst. This photo dramatically shows us the worst case scenario:
While all seasons suck when you live in Hello Kitty Hell, the end of the year is the worst. I know immediately when October arrives because people start sending me stuff like Hello Kitty Halloween costumes and Hello Kitty pumpkins. And that is just the tip of the iceberg of the Hello Kitty Halloween crap that exists out there. To perfectly illustrate this point, I present the exclusive Hello Kitty Build-A-Bear Halloween orange witch:
Since anyone living in Hello Kitty Hell knows never to underestimate the lengths that a Hello Kitty fantatic will go to create Hello Kitty tattoo combinations that will almost certainly haunt them (and us) for the rest of their lives, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that some of these fanatics will take the horror they create a step further. While it’s obvious to anyone with even an ounce of sanity that the Hello Kitty Hannibal Lecter tattoo should have been the end (or rather, never even contemplated) of this evil feline mashup, we are talking about a Hello Kitty fanatic here. Thus, the obviousl next step was to create a Hello Kitty Hannibal Lecter plush:
Every time it gets to the point where I believe that things can never get worse, the evil feline makes sure to let me know that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse. It is distressing (and more than a little disturbing) that I still have people asking me where they can find Hello Kitty Converse shoes 4 years after first posting about them (not to mention Hello Kitty fanatics wishing me dead for refusing to tell them where my wife got them).
Once the people at Sanrio saw all the fuss these were causing, they decided that Hello Kitty x shoes was an impossible to lose combination which lead to unfortunate creations such as Hello Kitty Asics shoes, Hello Kitty Reebok shoes and Hello Kitty Nike shoes (not to mention Hello Kitty bowling shoes and Hello Kitty heels)
Any normal person would imagine that Sanrio had fully exploited this combo, but it now appears that they have just started by adding another horrifying aspect to the mix. Instead of leaving bad enough alone at Hello Kitty x Reebok, the powers driving Hello Kitty Hell decided that to really torture most of us, a Hello Kitty x Reebok x plush combination was somehow a good idea:
Of all living things on earth that may have a comparable Hello Kitty Hell to my own, the closest may be the dogs of Hello Kitty owners. When your owner thinks it’s a good idea to give you a Hello Kitty ID tattoo or simply dress you up like this (or this or this or this — it is quite sad that I could keep going on and on), being a dog owned by a Hello Kitty fanatic can’t be an easy life.
Knowing this, it becomes plainly obvious when a creature did something beyond evil in their past life, and now the karma has come back to haunt them in their new form. There is no other explanation when you see a photo like this:
One would assume that after the Hello Kitty latex bed there would have been enough Hello Kitty kink for the week, but then that would be greatly underestimating how much Hello Kitty loves her sex. This was made readily apparent when I found out that the Hello Kitty S&M love hotel existing was not enough, and someone felt it essential to build another Hello Kitty bondage room:
Apparently Bratz doesn’t feel that Barbie should be the only one to get to wear the dress. It really doesn’t make a difference what doll is wearing it. It’s going to give the average non Hello Kitty fanatic nightmares…
Sent in by tiff (via veik11 – used with permission)
One would think that it would be impossible to make a harem of sex dolls stored in the closet any creepier, but that is definitely not the case. That’s because when you place a large Hello Kitty plush on the top shelf to watch over them and a Hello Kitty night light on the floor so they don’t get scared at night, you pretty much have put together the creepiest room possible. To keep my sanity and prevent countless nightmares, I’m not even going to think about why those Hello Kitty items may be there…
Sent in by Getsu
If there is one thing that the evil feline can’t stand, it’s her image appearing on stuff where she hasn’t been able to fleece the buyer for the majority of their last paycheck. Because of this, Hello Kitty tattoos have always posed a problem for her. The solution for body piercings was simple. The idea of a Hello Kitty tattoo gun never seemed to catch on except in prison. So Hello Kitty has done the only thing she can to capitalize on the Hello Kitty tattoo trend by creating a Hello Kitty tattoo plush:
What is it with Hello Kitty fanatics and Hello Kitty plush fashion? Seriously, it’s one of the most disturbing trends for the simple fact that someone with absolutely no fashion sense can look at it and know instantly that they would never be caught dead in something like that. It’s bad enough that these types of outfits actually make their way onto the runway or are produced for special occasions (or worn by people that should never be let out of the house), but for someone to feel that it’s OK to wear a Hello Kitty plush coat as normal everyday wear?
There are some things about Hello Kitty fanatics I just don’t want to know. Apparently there is a a rave called Bloodfest where “the Infamous Boom Boom does his blood bath performance which is basically simulated sex in a tub full of blood and bones.” This year Boom Boom incorporated the below Hello Kitty plush into the act and for your sanity, I’ll leave out the details of what he did. While this certainly sounds like the crowd where the evil feline belongs, feel free not to share these stories with me in the future:
Sent in by Hello Kizee
The fact that Hello Kitty sushi exists is a pretty good damnation of the human race. That the evil feline also encourages fanatics to wear Hello Kitty chopsticks in their hair when she monetises this trend just further proves that all is not right in the world these days.
Sent in by Jessica
Update Mike Mozart reviews Hello Kitty plush for his failtoys Youtube channel:
My wife was already a fan of Lady Gaga due to her Hello Kitty hair bow and visit to Japan where she professed her love of the evil feline. This has only grown as Lady Gaga posed for a Markus & Indrani photo shoot for the Three Apples art collection (yet another reason to avoid this if at all possible, as if you really needed another reason).
No matter how much a Hello Kitty fanatic wishes it to be true, putting on evil feline plush ears with a bow is not acceptable behavior. Asking your significant other to try them on “just to see how they look” pretty much assures that you are comfortable with him living in Hello Kitty hell…
Sent in by amara (via hottopic)
Update: Of course, the evil feline would never allow there to be just one of these as monica shows via the Three Apples art exhibit: