I received an email asking me what Hello Kitty item I thought would be safe for a reader to give to his Hello Kitty fanatic girlfriend. The simple answer is that nothing is safe because once you begin buying anything with the evil feline on it, you have unknowingly signed a contract that you are OK with any amount of Hello Kitty in your life. This contract may seem cute and innocent at first, but it won’t take long to see that you have made a deal that is far worse than giving the devil your soul.
The unfortunate reality is that you are probably facing the choice of getting something Hello Kitty or facing the equivalent of sleeping on the couch in a Hello Kitty sleeping bag. While I can’t tell you what would be good to buy, I can definitely tell you what you want to avoid. Here is the Hello Kitty Hell top 10 guide to what you absolutely do not want to buy a Hello Kitty fanatic for Christmas:
Why? It seems innocent enough, but if you give in here, it’s straight downhill into the deepest depths of Hello Kitty Hell for the rest of the relationship. In the annals of time and Hello Kitty couples, by far the biggest regret that Hello Kitty fanatic partners have is that they once thought that the Hello Kitty toaster would make a “cute” gift and purchased it.
Why? Because when you think of a Hello Kitty tattoo, you assume it’s going to be some small, cute tattoo that you can live with. Your Hello Kitty fanatic partner, on the other hand, has a completely different set of ideas of what that Hello Kitty tattoo should look like. Believe me, it’s not – that – cute – little – tattoo – that – you – envisioned. Not only will you have to see it for the rest of you life, you’ll have to tell the Hello Kitty fanatic how much you like it. Even worse, you will know that you are the reason that it is there.
Why? Because if there is anything that is scarier than a Hello Kitty fanatic, it’s a Hello Kitty fanatic with a Hello Kitty gun. While it certainly might be a smart move to recruit and arm our army with Hello Kitty weapons (seriously, what country wouldn’t be scared to death upon seeing a Hello Kitty army in front of them), the same can’t be said for you significant other. If the Hello Kitty fanatic snaps and uses the gun on you, not only will you be dead, you will be remembered by the world as the guy that got killed by the Hello Kitty gun.
Why? You might assume the issue is that these machines (oh yes, Hello Kitty computers come in a wide range of patterns these days) come with a premium price and under-perform. This would make perfect sense as to why you would want to avoid them at all cost, but the real reason is far more sinister.
The problem is that things won’t stop with the computer. Before you know it, your entire desk will be a range of pinks with various computer add-ons that carry the face of Hello Kitty. From there it’s a slippery slope downhill as those Hello Kittified USB gadgets migrate from the fanatics computer to your own. Before you know it, you will have one of the many Hello Kitty computers on the market yourself (because all those accessories need to match).
Now imagine having to explain why you have a Hello Kitty computer plus accessories to all your business colleagues and friends. While it will be a conversation started, it will be one that ensures that you lose all business opportunities and friendships in an instant.
6. Hello Kitty Amusement Park Trip
Why? There are actually a number of Hello Kitty amusement parks in existence (as if one wouldn’t be enough). If you agree to go to a Hello Kitty amusement park, you have unwittingly also agreed to go without complaint to every Hello Kitty store — and even every store that has a Hello Kitty section — without recourse or complaint. And believe me, nearly every store has a Hello Kitty sections these days…
Why? The purchase of that first Hello Kitty car accessory will seem innocent enough, but by doing so you have given the Hello Kitty fanatic not only permission to decorate her own car in Pepto Bismol pink, but also your car (not to mention the inevitable next step of a Hello Kitty car). That’s right. You’ll start getting Hello Kitty crap for your car and when you balk and refuse to put it in your car, you will undoubtedly get the “don’t you appreciate my gift” speech.
Why? You assume (incorrectly) that a Hello Kitty phone means some shade of pink with some evil feline graphics. This may very well be what the initial Hello Kitty phone looks like, but it will never stop there. What could go wrong with a Hello Kitty phone? This. Enough said.
If you decide to propose to a Hello Kitty fanatic at Christmas, the proper way to do so is to say, “I want to marry you if you are willing to give up Hello Kitty.” This forces her to make a choice between you and the evil feline.
If, on the other hand, you make the mistake of proposing with Hello Kitty wedding rings, you have tacitly accepted to marry Hello Kitty as well as your partner. That means that your wedding, wedding cake, wedding certificate, wedding dress and tuxedo — and every thing else remotely associated with the wedding is fair game to be Hello Kittified. Then it goes downhill from there.
Hello Kitty bra and panties as a gift may seem innocent enough at first glance, but by purchasing them you place into your partner’s mind that Hello Kitty equals sexy. That’s definitely not a road you want to be traveling down. Before you know it those innocent bra and panties will turn into sexy nightmares and you won’t know what happened when you find the Hello Kitty flogger as a gift with an invitation to visit the Hello Kitty bondage love hotel.
It doesn’t matter what Sanrio calls it, you know exactly what it’s going to be used for and it’s not vibrating knots out of the Hello Kitty fanatic’s shoulders. Do you really want Hello Kitty to be the one to satisfy your significant other when you can’t? And for those who think that it would be fun and sexy sharing the Hello Kitty vibrator together, just be warned that if you show any interest in it, it’s going to be used on you as well in unexpected (and very uncomfortable) ways…just saying…